Chapter 37
CHAPTER 37
CALLIOPE
I’m doing my best not to look as terrified as I feel. I’m not sure I’m doing a great job at it when he looks over at me while I’m driving. “Don’t speed. If I thought it was an emergency, I would’ve called an ambulance.”
“I know. I’m not speeding. I just need to get around this guy out here taking his car for a walk.”
His smile makes me feel a little better.
The emergency room is busy but they’re expecting him, and we’re escorted straight back. I guess when you’re dealing with a heart patient, they take no chances. We’re tucked into a corner room where they attach electrodes to his chest.
“Looks good,” the doctor says after a few minutes. “No sign of a heart attack. Dr. McAllister has ordered some further testing, an echocardiogram and a cardiac MRI. Have you had any symptoms before today?”
“No, I’ve been fine.”
“Any change in your routine? Taking your meds? Increased exercise?”
Arlow glances over at me and his response is reluctant. “I’ve been overdoing it a little. Some more vigorous exercise lately…farm work.”
Oh god, this is from the digging. I asked him before, when we were burying Carl, if it’d be too much and he said not to worry, that he knew his limitations. He accomplished so much during the hour I left to have a private, sobbing breakdown because he overdid it. I do my best to suppress the guilt. This isn’t about me. It’s about saving him.
The doctor nods, noting it down. “Okay, they’ll be in to get you for the tests soon and your cardiologist is being updated as we go.”
Once the doctor leaves, I move beside the gurney to grab his hand. “How do you feel?”
“The same. I’m not dizzy or weak or anything. It just hurts.”
A nurse comes in to remove the electrodes and instructs him to change into a gown. “Woo, sexy,” I tease, helping him by tying the back closed.
If he’s afraid, it doesn’t show. He grins and climbs back onto the gurney. “These were not made for someone my height.”
“I think everyone’s ass hangs out of them,” I giggle, pulling the thin blanket up over his legs.
The orderly comes to take him to another floor for the tests, and I drop a quick kiss on his lips, squeezing his hand. “I love you.”
“Love you, Peach. Be right back.”
Tears fill my eyes the second he’s out of sight and I let them fall. I’m terrified. Anything could happen. He could need surgery or have a sudden heart attack. After everything we’ve been through, I can’t lose him already. We’ve fought to be together. We deserve some happiness. I can’t imagine my life without him, never hearing his voice or seeing his smile.
The tests take over two hours—the longest of my life—and by the time they roll him back in, I’ve regained my composure and washed my face. “About time. I thought maybe you got bored and went home,” I quip, moving my chair closer to the gurney.
“I tried after they lubed up my chest, but then they locked me in a tube.”
“My poor guy.” His smile is sweet when I kiss his forehead.
It’s another hour before the doctor returns. “All your results look fine, but your cardiologist wants to review them with you before we discharge you.”
As if his words conjure him, a gray headed man strides into the room, plants his hands on his hips and shakes his head at Arlow like a disapproving mother. “Just what the hell have you been doing?”
The emergency doctor chuckles and excuses himself.
“Dr. McAllister, hope I didn’t interrupt something important,” Arlow says, noting the dress clothes his cardiologist is wearing.
“Actually, you got me out of the world’s most boring charity event so thanks for that, but that’s not the point. Your heart is fine. No changes since your last scans. The pain is from costochondritis. It’s an inflammation of the cartilage in your ribs and presents with cardiac symptoms, but it’s completely unrelated to your heart.”
Relief pours through me. It’s not his heart. He’s going to be fine.
He notices a blister on Arlow’s finger and picks up his hand to look. “The doctor told me you reported some vigorous exercise. What were you doing the last few days?”
“Uh…some yard work around my property.”
“Digging,” I announce. We can’t tell the truth about what we were digging, but I can make sure his doctor has all the information that might be pertinent. “We were digging some ditches for irrigation pipe in our back field.”
Doctor McAllister looks at Arlow then me. “Your girlfriend has sense enough to tell on you. I like her.”
“Calli,” I introduce myself as Arlow sits up.
“It’s nice to meet you. Calli.”
He turns back to Arlow. “Hot and cold compresses and some rest will take care of the pain. Before I discharge you, I have a question. Do you want me to crack your chest open again? Was it such a wonderful experience that you want to recreate it?”
“Definitely not.”
“Then get somebody else to lay the irrigation pipe. No more digging. No shoveling snow. Nothing more than moderate exercise. You know these rules. This time you got lucky but next time you may not. Keep taking your pill and monitoring your blood pressure. People tend to grow lax after a time when things are going well. Keep in mind that following those guidelines is why you aren’t having issues. So don’t be an idiot.”
Arlow’s grin has a tinge of embarrassment as the doctor scolds him. “Understood. I’ll take it easy.”
He’s direct. I like him. They talk over his test results for a few minutes, and he informs him that since they’ve done the routine tests a bit early, he doesn’t need to see him again for six months.
A few minutes later, we walk out of the hospital, and Arlow interlaces his fingers with mine. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m just glad you’re okay. Are you hungry?”
“I could demolish a cheeseburger about now.”
“Sounds good to me.”
It did scare the hell out of me, and the anxiety will always be there when it comes to his health, but he’s worth it. Over the next few days, I don’t let him do anything but rest. We spend our time curled up together with a heating pad on his chest, and his pain quickly resolves.
He’s livestreaming tonight, and once he’s cloistered in the barn, I make my way to the top of the hill to build a bonfire. It’s funny. Not that long ago, I would’ve been nervous to walk through the graveyard alone. To be out here by myself at night at all. Now it’s only peaceful.
Arlow’s trip to the hospital has me concerned but not about his heart or what may happen in the future. His doctor says he’s doing well. This is the first time he’s had a scare like this since we got together, and I’m worried he’ll go back to his old way of thinking. That he’ll want to spare me future terrifying situations.
The fear is probably unfounded. He hasn’t acted any differently. Despite how much it’s improved, I’m sure it’s my anxiety leading the way, but I still need to talk to him about it. I need some reassurance.
Barely an hour after I’ve started the fire, Arlow sits beside me on the log. “Hey,” he says, softly. “Do you want company?”
“I always want your company, but I thought you were livestreaming until midnight?”
“I wasn’t feeling it. Couldn’t focus.”
“Is your chest hurting again?”
“No.” He slides his arm around my middle, tucking me against his side. “I feel fine.” He presses his lips to my temple. “But something is on your mind.”
It’s strange to be so easily read by someone, to be known that well. My only response is a nod while I try to find the words to explain. “I was going to talk to you about it tonight.”
“I know I scared you. That you got a peek at how…temporary this could be. Are you reconsidering things between us, Calliope?”
“No!” I turn to him, horrified that he’d even think that. The way his expression relaxes with relief breaks my heart, and I run my fingers through his scruff. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere. All we ever have is now, and if now is all I get, I’ll take it. You’re worth every moment of fear and worry. Don’t you understand that?”
He delivers a quick, soft kiss on my lips. “I do understand. If I lost you tomorrow and had to live with half a heart for the rest of my life, I’d have no regrets.”
“I was worried the health scare might’ve changed your mind about us. You were so set on not dating or letting anyone get close to you before,” I confess.
“I was wrong. You helped me see that. The therapy you suggested helped me realize it too.” He holds me tighter. “Do you remember the drawing of the storm drain we talked about? With all the trash caught in it?”
“Of course I do.”
“You did for me what I did for it as a teenager. You cleaned away all that litter and freed me, not only to draw again but to feel again. I love you. I’m yours for as long as you want me.”
“Forever sounds about right.”
“Forever then.” Amusement seeps into his voice. “I do have a request that you might find a tiny bit scandalizing.”
I peek up at his grinning face. “I’m intrigued.”
“Model for me this summer. Let me draw you naked by the creek where I first saw you. It’s a vision that never leaves my mind.”
I imagine it, lying on the bank completely nude for hours with his eyes on me.
He pulls in a deep breath as I run my nails over the back of his neck. It never fails to raise goosebumps on his skin. “Only if you fuck me right there afterward.”
He nips at my earlobe. “Until you beg for mercy.”
We sit there by the fire under the stars the way we did our first night together. He isn’t the only one who feels changed. I don’t worry as much about what I may have inherited in my blood or what kind of person I am deep down. He’s shown me we’re all capable of wonderful and horrific things, especially when it comes to love.
He’s taught me that soft and sweet doesn’t mean weak, that the kindest most respectful man on earth can also be the one who won’t hesitate to kill for you then fuck your brains out.
So much can be true at once. Arlow is a sweet, thoughtful man who can’t stand to see a bug suffer. I’m a woman trying to overcome my upbringing by choosing to be better and more kind. We both cherish our friends, care for animals and revere nature. We also killed two people and fucked on their graves in the moonlight. Are we good? Evil? I don’t know. The truth is I don’t care.
Watching the smoke swirl into the air, I think about how we’re all fucked up. Just damaged people interacting. How we bounce off each other, our insecurities grating together, our bruises not quite matching. How we hurt each other. How we heal each other.
Love isn’t what it’s portrayed to be, a soft fragile thing draped in flowers and hearts and sweet words. It’s gritty and painful and terrifying. It reveals truths about our nature and shows us we’re capable of things we never imagined doing before.
Love exposes us. Like a swelling sun, it illuminates us from the inside out, its light revealing every intimate corner and vulnerability to each other. We shine with it. Nothing remains hidden.
I see him, and he sees me. Good or evil, together we know who we are.
I wouldn’t change a thing.