Chapter 1 #2
But Sam had to come first. Always and forever. It was the only non-negotiable in her life.
“He’s a quiet kid.” Rob scratched at the dark stubble lining his jaw. “Are we sure this isn’t an overreaction? He’ll catch up.”
“But what if he doesn’t?” Jessica said. Growing up without friends wasn’t fun. She ought to know. It wasn’t easy to make them as an adult either.
“He’s so good with his letters and numbers,” Rob said.
Rob made it sound like Sam was a child prodigy. Typical. Her ex had always clasped onto good things and overexaggerated them.
“Which is wonderful,” Miss Molly said. “But we need to ensure Sam’s as well-prepared for school as possible. Socialisation skills are very important too, especially when a child is on the cusp of the age cut-off.”
“What about more play dates? I could find the time,” Rob asked.
Jessica’s cheeks reddened because play dates didn’t just ‘happen’.
Not for every kid. The ones she’d organised had been a bust. Sam had either ignored the other children or flat out refused to go.
She hadn’t loved making small talk with other parents either.
And because Sam spent his weekends with Rob under their current custody arrangement, her window for organising them was only so big.
She wouldn’t mention how many times she’d asked Rob to try to get Sam into activities with other kids.
So far, Rob had only managed swimming lessons, and Sam’s attendance was spotty.
Jessica shook her head, shame filling her, because another thing Sam appeared to have inherited from Jessica? Her fear of the water.
“Supporting Sam in developing friendships will always be beneficial.” Miss Molly smiled gently, but Jessica could hear the rest of the unspoken answer: it wouldn’t be enough. She hadn’t done enough. She’d already failed her son in more ways than she could count.
“Why don’t you take a few more days and discuss this privately? We can meet again next week.”
“You can’t force us to hold him back, can you?” Rob asked, and Jessica didn’t even try to contain her cringe. If she asked when Rob had got his early childhood teacher qualification, she’d set their tenuous peace on fire. Which would impact negatively on Sam. And it was all about Sam.
“I’m simply offering my professional opinion.” Miss Molly’s smile was tight. A few years ago, Jessica had considered doing a teaching degree. Until she remembered people made her nervous and parents were a whole other kind of people.
“I’ve heard you’ll never regret holding them back, but you might regret sending them too soon. Would you agree?” Jessica asked.
Miss Molly’s polite smile relaxed into a more natural one. “I would.”
“But—” Rob cut in, and Jessica held up her hand, silencing him. Ever since Rob had re-entered their lives a couple of years ago, it had been like this. Him believing everything could be fine again. Jessica having to remind him that some things couldn’t be fixed no matter how hard a person tried.
“We’ll have an answer for you next week.” Jessica stood and gestured for Rob to leave the office.
“Sam,” she called over to where he had moved to play with toy cars on a racetrack mat. “Time to go, buddy.”
“Why don’t we go to the park? Talk about this some more?
” Rob suggested like she’d known he was going to.
There was no extra fat in Jessica’s bank account, but she could’ve bet her weekly grocery budget that Rob would try to extend their contact time.
She sighed heavily and chastised herself.
She hadn’t meant it, and she hadn’t verbalised it—she would never say anything about bets or gambling around her ex—but it still wasn’t cool.
And she wasn’t perfect either. Case in point: getting arrested for public intoxication during her first week at uni and ending up with a criminal record?
That was nothing to be proud of and she’d had it expunged from her record as soon as public intoxication had been decriminalised in Victoria.
Regardless of her feelings for Rob now, he was working on himself and doing what he believed was best for Sam.
Jessica had had a front-row seat to what it was like to grow up without a father, and she didn’t want that for Sam.
But that didn’t stop it from being hard to navigate a way to the middle ground when they had such differing opinions.
“Come on, Jess. I miss you.” Rob reached for her but dropped his hand to his side when she shook her head.
Why did he always do this? Push for more than she wanted to give? Insist on living in an idealised version of their past? “I’ve got stuff to do.”
“I could take Sam then. Drop him off later.”
She stiffened, and Rob sighed loudly. “Or we could hang out at your place. I’ll keep him busy.”
“No.” Jessica didn’t want Rob in her house. He’d do something that looked nice on paper, like organise dinner, but then he’d want to stay and try to convince her they could be happy again.
“I want to help.”
“And I’m going to be late.” Jessica had collected a stack of parcels at the post office from the companies she did product reviews for, and she wanted to get started once Sam was asleep.
There’d be no time in the morning. Her first online yoga class was scheduled for six o’clock, and she needed every dollar she could earn.
“When are we going to talk about this school stuff? I can bring dinner over one night? How’s next Tuesday?”
They’d reached where Jessica had left her bike. She crouched in front of Sam and secured his helmet, which was shaped like a Tyrannosaurus rex’s head. At the top of her wish list was a bike for Sam. But until then, he’d have to keep riding in the cargo bike she’d found at the local Salvos.
“Strap in, bud.” She turned to face Rob again. She’d seen this hopeful expression on his face too many times to count.
“We can talk about this over the phone. I’ll call you later tonight once Sam’s in bed.” She mounted the bike and clipped her own helmet into place. Sam had already pulled out a stack of leafets, ready to pass them to her to put in letterboxes. They had this routine down to a fine art now.
“Jess …”
“No.”
“I wish you didn’t say that to me so much.” Rob’s mouth tipped down at the corners. That was another expression she saw regularly.
“Say bye to Daddy,” she prompted Sam, her cheeks tight with the effort of the smile she didn’t want to wear.
“Bye, Daddy.”
“Bye, little man. I love you.”
Jessica released the brakes and started pedalling before Rob could do something stupid like tell her he loved her too.
Her life was complicated enough.