Chapter 18 #2
‘You should know there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want me to say any of this, that wants me to shut up and just enjoy another night with you, because it’s you and you’re incredible and you’re all I’ve ever wanted in a girlfriend, but I know I’ve got to ignore that part, because this isn’t working anymore.
I can’t keep pretending that we’re both in this together and we both feel the same when I know it’s not true. ’
‘What’s not true?’ I ask. ‘You know how much I like you, how great I think we are together.’
‘I know you like me,’ he concedes before putting his hand on the table.
Despite knowing there’s no coming back from this, that his hand is nothing more than a comfort hand to make this easier to bear, I find myself reaching for it and interlocking my fingers with his.
He looks down at our hands long enough for me to begin to hope that now we’re together he’s changed his mind, that the next time he speaks it will be to tell me to forget what he said.
But when his eyes meet mine again, there’s determination in them.
‘I know you keep telling yourself that this is working, but it’s not.
Not really.’ He takes a deep breath before he continues.
‘It’s like I heard your mum saying: you’re settling with me. ’
Guilt washes over me at the thought of Jordan hearing all the things Mum said about him the afternoon we went over to hers. ‘No, I’m not. I’m really not.’
‘Yes, you are.’ He gives me a sad smile, and I know then that this break up is about me, that he’s doing this for me, not him, because that’s the kind of decent guy I’ve ended up with, and it’s all about to implode.
‘You might tell yourself you’re happy with me.
You might believe it, but you’re not. I’ve seen the difference in you too.
It’s not just your mum. You’ve changed since we first met.
Those first few dates of ours were amazing.
You shone with this optimism and openness that I couldn’t help but fall for.
You’re amazing, Lizzie, you are, but you’ve also changed since we’ve been together.
I’m not sure you’re as happy now. I don’t want to be the reason for that, and I don’t want you to wake up a year down the line, five years down the line, and resent me for it.
That would kill me. If we stay together, we might make it work for now, but we’re going to end up miserable.
You because you’re not in love with me the way you want to be in love, and me because I’ve known that, and I’ve been selfish trying to keep you. ’
‘I, I don’t know what to say.’ His words are so gentle, I can’t argue against them, not when amid the shock and the embarrassment of being broken up with in a restaurant with people clearly eavesdropping, there’s relief that he’s been brave enough to be honest, and that he’s helping us get out of something that might be comfortable and nice but isn’t what either of us dreamed of, what we wanted for our futures.
‘You don’t need to say anything, Lizzie. Honestly, it’s fine. Just know that I’ve had a wonderful time being with you these last few months, and I’ll always be grateful Karina set us up.’
There’s the tiniest break in his voice, and it’s enough to set me off.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I tell him, sniffing back tears that I don’t want to fall, because that will make it harder for him, and he’s just given me the kindest, most decent break up I’ve ever had.
‘I wish things could have been different. You’re perfect, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t—’ I don’t finish as a huge sob fills my throat, shoving my apology out of the way.
I wish I could stop, but I can’t. I’ve no control over it.
Tears plummet down my face and shaky breaths wrack my body.
I’ve never cried like this before with a man, never felt this awful no matter how long the relationship has been or how much I’ve liked the guy.
In a lot of ways my reaction to this ending with Jordan doesn’t tally at all with the emotions I felt when we were together.
I’m sitting here in public with a guy I know I’m not in love with, who has been nothing but kind to me when ending things, and it’s made me come undone.
‘Hey, it’s OK.’ He gets off his chair and comes to sit next to me, putting his arm around me. ‘I do too. It was always going to be a losing battle though, especially when your heart was never really free to give to someone else.’
‘What?’
His shoulders rise up as he exhales a long sigh of an incredulous laugh.
‘Come on, Lizzie. We both know there’s always been more than two of us in this relationship.
For a while I told myself it didn’t matter, that I got to be the one with you, that it was me you fell asleep with, not him, and that was enough.
But it was hard to keep believing that whenever I saw you together, or all the times you were miles away or just quieter than you normally are, and I knew you were thinking about him.
And since the engagement party, it’s been clearer than ever that I can’t keep ignoring the fact that deep down, you want him, not me. ’
‘Who?’ I ask, but it’s such a stupid question, it would have been better to stay silent or to simply apologise again.
‘You know who I mean.’ There’s a hardening in his voice that’s edged with hurt, and it hits me how unfair I’ve been on him this whole time. How unfair it would be again to make him say Elliot’s name.
‘You certainly don’t need me to tell you that.
Look, I think I’m going to go now,’ he says, standing up.
‘Do me a favour, Lizzie. Whatever’s going on between you both, deal with it.
It might be hard, and it might not lead to what you want, but pretending there’s nothing there isn’t helping anyone.
People might get hurt. No—’ He shakes his head at that.
‘People already have been hurt. It’s time to sort out how you feel and do something about it. ’