Chapter 23 #3
‘OK. If you say so. I’ll turn us around.’
We stay silent as he begins to turn us around.
Soon we’ll be off this damn, tiny boat, and I can get some space from him.
Only, he makes a mess of turning the boat and ends up having to use one of the oars to push us away from the bank before we crash into it.
But he pushes off with such force, I lose my balance on the narrow seat and fall forward into him.
Instinctively, he reaches out, putting his hands on my arms to steady me.
At first, I’m too concerned about not falling into the water to consider the heat of his palms, or how still he is, how unnecessary it is for him to keep holding me when the boat is no longer rocking.
I look up at him, and instead of laughing at my clumsiness or making a joke, his face is as serious as I’ve ever seen it.
This time he’s not untroubled. This time I can’t convince myself there’s nothing there.
His eyes lock with mine, his chest rises under his shirt, and I can hear his breath above the sounds of the riverbank.
‘Elliot, I—’ but he doesn’t wait to hear me finish.
He gently places his index finger beneath my raised chin and leans forward so our mouths are only inches apart.
After a few excruciating beats when I’m not sure if Elliot might be about to kiss me, he moves forward to press his forehead against mine.
He closes his eyes, and I do the same. Long seconds pass before either of us moves again, and part of me hopes that he’ll pull back, that he’ll remind me we can’t do this, but a bigger part hopes he won’t because I can’t fight it anymore.
This is it. The moment I’ve wanted for months, the moment I’ve tried to stop thinking of, to stop fantasising about but haven’t managed to get out of my brain, despite how hard I’ve tried.
I’ve done everything to not want this because this moment can’t happen.
But now it’s here, and I should be doing everything I can to make it stop, only there’s no fight in me. Instead, my mind is oddly still.
Every part of my body is telling me I want Elliot, and I’m exhausted trying to ignore that.
When he finally closes the gap between us and places his lips on mine, relief washes over me.
He kisses me carefully at first, his lips a question for me to answer with mine, but when I press back, when I open my mouth against his, he moves his hands to my back and pushes me against him.
We kiss desperately, like we’re running out of time and nothing else matters.
I surrender myself to the feel of him. For so long I’ve been in my head, trying to talk myself out of how much I want this, but now I’m all senses.
He’s holding me so tightly, and I melt into him, never wanting to pull apart, not sure if I’d be able to until the boat hits the riverbank and takes the decision from me.
We jolt apart, and as soon as we do, a valve re-opens in my mind.
I sit back down and hold my head in my hands as huge waves of guilt crash over me.
I’ve just kissed my best friend’s boyfriend.
Fuck. I’ve just done the worst thing I could have possibly done to Teddy.
Lovely, supportive, amazing Teddy, who would never in a million years do anything to hurt me.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have done that to her? I’m horrified at myself.
‘Lizzie,’ he says, gently, but I don’t dare look up at him.
‘I want to go back,’ I say.
‘Lizzie,’ he tries again, but as he does, another boat draws up to ours.
‘You boat number four?’ a male voice asks. ‘If you are, your hour’s up and you’re due back. There’s a queue building at the boatyard.’
‘Yeah, going back now,’ Elliot says, his voice shaky. He uses the oar to push off again and starts to row us back.
‘Please look at me,’ he says once he’s got into a steady rhythm with the oars. ‘We should talk about what happened.’
‘That’s the last thing we should be doing.
I don’t ever want to talk about it again.
’ I can’t deal with how Elliot feels about this.
There’s no space for him right now. My mind is full of Teddy.
She only went ahead with his stupid ex swap plan because she cared about me, she wanted to give me a chance of meeting someone great and this is how I’ve repaid her.
‘But, Lizzie—’
‘Stop!’ I shout. I want him to pay attention, to see in my eyes how serious I am about this, how I can’t bear what we’ve done. ‘I just want to get off this boat.’
When he swallows and pales a little, I know he’s seen through me again, to how fucking horrendous I’m feeling. ‘OK,’ he says and turns his attention to rowing us back as quickly as he can.
When we finally pull up to get out of the boat, the teenage boy reaches for the rope Elliot throws to him. The second I’m close enough, I stand and lunge out of the boat.
‘Woah. Slow down there,’ the teenage boy says, but I don’t. I’m walking away before Elliot’s off the boat, and I don’t stop.