Chapter 25
My room, while dated and a little on the small side, is clean and cosy and has the most amazing bed I’ve ever laid on, aside from my own.
The thick white cotton sheets and perfectly plump pillows invite a good night’s sleep, but I don’t feel anywhere close to that as I lie awake listening to the sounds of the B&B and waiting for Elliot to get back from the bar.
Once I told everyone I was leaving, I didn’t wait around for Elliot to offer to join me.
I wanted to get away from him. I thought I needed some space, but it turns out I was wrong.
What I need is to talk to him, to understand what happened with Teddy.
I want to talk to her, too, but guilt stops me from picking up the phone and calling her.
I know I have to, but first I need to know more from Elliot.
There’s not a chance I’ll sleep tonight before speaking to him, and after the abrupt way I left, I’m sure he’s not going straight to bed without trying to talk to me either.
So I’m not surprised when there’s a quiet knock on the door just after midnight. I get up automatically, pull down the oversized T-shirt I got free when joining the National Union of Teachers and open the door, my heart doing somersaults in my chest.
‘Oh.’ He swallows, and even though he’s the one who came to my door, he takes a step back.
‘I’m glad you came. We need to talk.’
‘Yeah, I, erm—’
‘Elliot?’
I see his problem. He tries to look at my face, but his eyes can’t help resting on where my T-shirt meets my thighs.
I don’t remember it being this short. I pull down the material until it comes to rest at a much more respectable length.
Unfortunately, doing so stretches out the letters N U T over my breasts, but at least it helps break the spell as he is able to meet my eyes for the first time and give me a sheepish smile.
I roll my eyes at him. ‘Smiling? Really? I’d have thought you’d have been turning up at my door utterly ashamed of yourself for letting me find out about Teddy like that.’
‘Sorry, you’re right.’ He coughs. ‘I’m with them too,’ he says, pointing at my breasts. ‘NUT. Good choice. How have you found them?’
‘Elliot, focus,’ I scold. ‘I’m guessing you’re not here at midnight to shoot the breeze about unions. What’s going on with you? I can’t believe you failed to mention you and Teddy aren’t together anymore. What happened?’
He takes a deep breath and walks across the room to sit on my bed. When he stops straightening my duvet and finally looks at me, I’m expecting it will all come flooding out, but all he says is, ‘It’s complicated.’
‘So complicated you couldn’t have mentioned it before you kissed me? Before you let me think I was the worst person in the world for letting that happen? Or did the break up come after the kiss? Is that why you ended it with her? What the hell is going on?’
He swallows. ‘I should have told you. Teddy and I decided that we weren’t going to let you know until after this weekend, in case, you know, it felt awkward between us or anything.’
At least he blushes while he says it.
‘Yeah, good job with that, El,’ I say, making my voice drip with sarcasm. ‘Now things aren’t awkward at all.’ I hide the relief that at least he’s saying the break up came before the kiss, that it wasn’t a reaction to what happened.
‘I know,’ he concedes. ‘I should have told you sooner.’
‘Yeah, you should have. The second this weekend began would have been the right time.’
‘You’re right,’ he says quietly.
‘I am.’
I’ve moved over to the window, and I look down at the streetlights below for a few seconds as I bring myself to ask the question that’s been playing on my mind since his announcement in the restaurant. ‘So now I do know, tell me, was it you breaking up with her or her with you?’
‘It was a joint decision.’
‘Right, and when did it happen?’
‘Tuesday night.’
That makes sense. Teddy normally never bails on our weekly Tuesday cocktail meet up, but this week she did. Now I know why. Teddy’s been texting this week, but we haven’t spoken, and I’m relieved again to hear it’s so recent, that I’ve haven’t been in the dark for longer than a few days.
‘I don’t get it. I thought everything was great between you both. You’ve not mentioned once that you were thinking about breaking up with her. And she’s not mentioned it once either, so I don’t get where this has come from.’
‘Has it ever occurred to you that maybe we don’t have to tell you every last thing about our relationship? Or we might not want to, given you know both of us so well? You might have put us together, but it doesn’t mean you have to be part of every fucking thing that happens, Lizzie.’
My lips part but nothing comes out, shock stopping my brain from working out what to say. I stare unblinkingly at him, and he stares unblinkingly at me, and something I can’t read sets in his expression. Something that almost looks like anger.
I could probably justify that anger, agree with him even, if it wasn’t for what happened on that boat.
‘I never said you had to tell me everything about your relationship, but when you go in to kiss me after just breaking up with Teddy, then, actually, yeah, you do need to tell me what’s going on.
Have you any idea how awful I felt after it happened when I thought you were still together?
You owed me the truth, El. If I’d have known—’
‘What? You’d have never kissed me back? Or you’d have stuck around and not run away as soon as you got back on dry land?
You’d have admitted you wanted it every bit as much as I did?
Tell me, Lizzie, because I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it ever since it happened.
What would you have done in that moment if you’d have known? ’
I put my hands to my head and run my fingers through my hair, pressing into my skull as I do. ‘I don’t know. But it wouldn’t have led to this.’
‘And what is this? What is going on between us? You’re blaming me for not telling the truth, but I’ve got nothing on you.’ We’ve been gradually raising our voices, and he almost shouts his last words at me.
‘Sorry,’ he says. He takes a breath before he speaks again, and I mirror him.
‘Look, Teddy and I talked, and we recognised that we weren’t each other’s priorities.
When it came down to it, we both admitted we didn’t want to be.
You know her life isn’t going the way she wants it to be.
She wants to focus on finding out what makes her happy, and she’s not in a place to have a relationship.
I get that. There wasn’t a whole load of drama to it.
We broke up on good terms, and we promised each other we’d stay friends. ’
If what he’s saying is right, I’m glad Teddy’s starting to move her life along, that she’s putting herself first. I’m glad she’s chosen to spend some time working out what she wants.
I can’t believe she’s still not quit her job, but I guess breaking up with Elliot is her taking some kind of step towards the future she wants.
Mum always tells me that the person you have to love the most is yourself, and you have to be in a good relationship with yourself before you can love anyone else.
I believe that, and I’m proud of Teddy. But I’m also curious to know what Elliot’s reasons are for ending it with Teddy as something tells me there’s more to it than that.
‘A joint decision. You sure about that? It wasn’t that you got cold feet because this was turning out to be the longest relationship you’ve ever had?’
He laughs at that. ‘Oh my God, Lizzie. What is it with you and this idea I don’t do long term?’
‘Erm, you don’t do long term.’
‘Yeah, I do. I’ve had serious girlfriends before.’
I scoff at that. ‘Yeah, right. And when did you happen to have all these serious girlfriends?’
He pauses before answering, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.
‘Before I slept with you,’ he says quietly.
‘After that, I don’t know. It felt like I stopped meeting the right women.
It became harder to carry on with anyone for more than a few dates.
It wasn’t until you started this ex-plan thing that I finally realised what I was hoping for wasn’t going to happen, that we want different things. ’
‘And what is it you want?’ I get out through a mouth that has become as dry as paper.
He pauses before giving himself a tiny nod.
‘Right now, what I want is to be honest. To stop pretending.’ He gets up from the bed.
In a few paces he’s right in front of me.
I suddenly feel more nervous than I ever have with him.
His eyes are intently focused on mine, like he’s looking right through me again, trying to read my heart.
Only, it’s so conflicted, I’ve no idea what he’ll find.
His arms stay by his sides, but the stance is too deliberate as though he’s forcing them to stay there instead of reaching forward and touching me.
‘As soon as I knew that Teddy was growing colder with me, that she was creating distance and I worked out there might be a break-up on the cards, do you know how I felt?’
I don’t dare speak, so I shake my head instead.
‘Relieved. All the months we spent together, and I felt relieved that she didn’t want to be with me.
We had fun together, and we did like each other, but while she might have been the longest relationship I’ve had in a really long time, we hadn’t grown close.
I hadn’t let us. So when she said she wanted out, I was relieved that I didn’t need to hurt her.
’ He pauses, and before he speaks next the rise and fall of his chest grows more pronounced through his T-shirt.
‘I thought if, after this weekend, she told you we’d split up and that she was fine, that she wanted out, and I hadn’t broken her heart or anything like that, then maybe there’d be a chance that you wouldn’t completely shut yourself off from the idea of us at some point in the future. ’
‘Us?’ I croak.
He reaches out a hand and picks up a strand of my hair.
It’s the lightest touch – almost a non-touch, but it’s enough to spread heat throughout my entire body.
‘Yeah. Us. You and me. Together. We work, Lizzie. It’s kind of terrifying how much we work, but we do.
I’m tired of pretending we don’t, of pretending that I’m not always thinking about you.
How to make you laugh, how to make you smile, what I can text you so I’ll get a reply, what funny story I can tell you about my day that will make your eyes light up.
I promise you that kiss wasn’t planned. I wanted to give Teddy a chance to talk to you first before I got the balls to talk to you too, and to finally be honest with you in the hope you might feel the same, but I don’t regret it.
’ He pauses momentarily, and his voice is less certain when he continues.
‘It made me more certain than I’ve ever been. It’s you, Lizzie. It’s you.’
His fingers move from my hair to my jaw, skimming the contours of my face.
His eyes roam as he takes in every part of my reaction.
His breathing deepens, and my stomach pulls tight in response.
It would be so easy to reach for him, to let this properly begin.
Knowing how his hair feels when I run my fingers through it, how his stomach contorts when I kiss it, how hot his mouth feels on my skin only makes it worse.
But I take his hand off my face and move away from him to the other side of the room so there’s as much space as I can get between us.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve dreamed of Elliot saying words to me just like this, and he’s managed to do a far better job of it than anything my imagination could conjure.
But it doesn’t matter. He’s just broken up with Teddy, and this is all wrong.
He might say she’s fine about it, but I don’t know that, and I can’t believe she’ll be fine with any of this.
‘This can’t happen,’ I tell him, and I’m proud of how firm I sound when inside nothing feels steady. ‘You just broke up with my best friend.’
‘I know I did. But Teddy’s fine, I promise. I’m sorry you didn’t know before it happened, but we did nothing wrong.’
I let out an incredulous laugh at how neat and tidy he’s making this mess sound. ‘Yes, we did! The second I set you up together, I closed the door on anything happening with you, and that still stands. You need to get that, and you need to go.’
He rapidly shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, but the bite to my words stops him arguing back.
‘You’re really not willing to do this? To even try?’
When I answer, I have to work hard to keep my voice as solid as I can. ‘No. I’m not.’
His face falls. ‘Then I should go.’ My chest tightens painfully seeing how hurt he looks, but still I square my shoulders back.
‘You should.’ I’m standing in his way. He needs to pass me to get out.
When he’s in front of me again, he stops.
So close, I can reach out and put my hands on his chest. And I do.
I should stop myself, but giving into a moment of weakness that undoes the intent of my words, I push my palms against him, not so hard to move him away but hard enough that I can feel his heat and his defined muscles underneath my palms. He stands perfectly still as I continue to touch him.
I don’t know how long we stay like this, listening to each other breathe, each of us unwilling to move away.
‘Lizzie.’
He uses my name all the time but never like this, never so delicately, so revered. He backs away from me and puts a finger under my chin, tilting my head up.
‘Goodnight, Elliot,’ I get out. It’s a whisper, but it’s enough. He steps away. The air that’s swished in to fill the space between our bodies is ice-cold, and I want to rush back to him, but now he is leaving.
‘Good night,’ he says before passing me and letting himself out.
I return to my bed and somehow, I manage to close my eyes and somehow, I even drift into a dreamless sleep for a few hours before my alarm goes off.
I get up, make it down to breakfast with the rest of the department, make it back into Len’s car where the three of us endure close to four more hours of Jeffrey Archer thanks to a traffic jam on the M5.
I make it all the way back to my flat, stopping by to thank Mr Galanis for looking after Bud and give him a postcard and box of fudge from my trip like nothing is out of the ordinary, and I get all the way back inside my flat to dump my bags before turning around to leave it again.