Chapter 30 #2
‘I wasn’t exactly brave either,’ he says eventually.
‘I should have worked out that this time was different, that we were in a different place, but I couldn’t get past that first morning and the absolute certainty you had that we’d made a mistake.
You were asleep next to me, and I knew I couldn’t see that look on your face again, so I ran before finding out what a second morning would be like with you. ’
‘I get that. I’ve spent so long telling you – and myself – that we’re only friends, it’s understandable you’d think nothing had changed from the first time. But it has because I’ve worked something out now. I’m willing to lose you as a friend.’
‘OK. Thanks,’ he says, looking at me curiously.
‘What I mean is, I’m sure I can get used to not being friends with you if we become something else, but the thought of not getting the chance to be with you because I’m too scared of it is the part I can’t handle. So I’m telling you now.’
‘What are you telling me?’ he asks, turning to face me, exasperation in his voice. ‘I’m listening to every word you’re saying, but I’m going to need you to spell it out because this is too important to me. What do you want to happen?’
I should be nervous. This should be the point of trembling hands and nausea, but those things are absent.
I’m ready. No matter how he reacts, what he decides he wants, I’ll have told him what I want, and that’s all I can do.
I might be about to get hurt more than I’ve been hurt before, my heart may be about to be shattered, but I’ll have fought for him and knowing that is enough to make me know I’m going to be OK.
‘I want a chance to see what happens if we’re honest. That’s what I want.
For you to give us a chance. I’ve already fallen in love with you, but I want to keep falling.
I want to wake up with you, I want to come home with you at the end of the day, I want any rumours that start about us being together at school to be true. I want you.’
His eyes have widened in surprise, and when I stop talking, he runs a hand through his hair and breathes out heavily. ‘Wow.’
‘I know. You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to. You can think about it, or you can pretend I never mentioned it. You can even leave if you want to.’
‘Yeah.’ At that, he stands up, and it’s like someone has taken my heart out of my body and stamped on it.
‘OK. I get it. You don’t need—’
He holds out his hand to me. ‘Let’s keep walking, shall we?’
I take his hand, and once he’s helped me up, he doesn’t let go. He sets off, and I walk next to him. He doesn’t speak, and nor do I. We just walk, holding hands.
‘How long would it take to walk to your flat from here?’ he asks eventually.
‘I don’t know. An hour?’
‘OK. Good.’
We walk all the way back. Sometimes, he asks if he’s going too fast and I assure him he’s not.
Sometimes, he tells me the things he likes about the buildings we pass or tells me funny little stories that link to the roads we end up on or the posters we see or the pubs we pass but don’t go in.
I do the same. We talk and we laugh, and the whole time he holds my hand.
It takes everything I’ve got to let him say what he wants to say when he’s ready.
I squeeze his hand, and I hope. That’s all I can do.
Eventually, we get to my front door, and it’s only there he lets go of me.
‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘That was the best date I ever had.’
‘That was a date?’ I ask, confused.
‘Yeah, and it was perfect.’
‘I wasn’t sure you wanted it.’
‘I did. Very much. The moment I saw you standing there with that family in the museum foyer, I wanted it. Then you went and said you loved me.’ I can’t help but smile at the bemused expression on his face, like he can’t believe it’s true.
‘You couldn’t have told me earlier?’
‘I could have, but you told me to think about it, and that’s what I’ve been doing. Thinking what I need to say to you, what to do next. Can I come in?’
I fumble getting my keys out of my bag and into the lock.
I walk into the hall, feeling how close he is to me.
He shuts the door behind him and puts his hands on my shoulders.
As soon as I turn to him, he pulls me in and brushes his lips against my cheeks, my eyelid, my ears before they find my lips.
His arms pull me tight against him, and we’re so close I can feel the heat of his body against mine.
I could stay like this forever, let the world carry on around us, let my neighbours come and go having to squeeze past us to get out the door.
There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, and when Elliot pulls back, a groan escapes my mouth.
I clasp my arms around him even tighter to keep him in place.
‘Let me look at you, will you?’ he asks, his voice caramel soft. ‘There’s something I need to say.’
I pull back and find I don’t hate it as much as I thought, as he immediately puts his hands on either side of my face and tilts my head up so I’m looking into his eyes.
‘This is better. Now I can take you into my arms like this,’ he says, his arms snaking around me, his fingers interlinking so they rest against the small of my back.
‘I can look at your beautiful face, and I can tell you that I love you too. I’ve always loved you, from the moment you burst into my classroom and introduced yourself, and I’m sure I always will. ’
His eyes are sparkling, and we’re grinning at each other when a flash of something darker crosses his expression, wiping away his happiness like a cloud crossing the sun.
‘I should have told you that all along. From the very beginning. I’ve just been too worried about fucking it all up to do anything, and I’m sorry.’
‘Hey.’ It’s my turn to reach for his face, to pull it down so he’s looking at me.
‘That’s all done with now. We’ve done scared, and we’ve done not being honest, and it’s not worked.
Now we need to try being madly, ridiculously in love, and we need to try not worrying about what might happen in the future because we’re too busy being happy.
A wise woman once told me that love was a leap of faith, and I want us to leap together. ’
‘Let’s leap then,’ he says quietly.
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. Really.’
‘Good.’ I stand on my tip toes so I can kiss him on his lips, just once before breaking away so I can look at him, show him how sure I am of this.
He rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes, and it’s almost as good as everything else we’ve done.
‘Now we’ve got that sorted,’ I say, pulling back, ‘would you like to come upstairs?’
‘Lead the way.’