Chapter 14
JORDAN
· SIX MONTHS AGO ·
I’m fully costumed and standing in Santa’s Grotto at the Pine Lakes Christmas Festival, and I can already spot three people wandering around outside who look more like Santa than I do. When Mrs. Delgado asked me to volunteer for the festival, being Santa was not what I’d had in mind.
An unsettling bout of imposter syndrome creeps through me as Mrs. Delgado straightens the bright-red robe on my shoulders before picking out bits of who-knows-what from its white furry collar.
“There.” She nods. “You look like the real deal.”
I give her the most confident smile I can manage while knowing I have her niece’s fake pregnancy belly strapped to my middle.
The synthetic Santa beard makes my face itch, and I move it to scratch my chin, but Mrs. Delgado swats my hand. “Moving your beard ruins the illusion.”
A twenty-three-year-old playing Santa ruins the illusion, but I don’t dare say that aloud because Mrs. Delgado is a five-foot-nothing firebrand who isn’t above rapping my knuckles.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Santa’s helper should be here any minute. She’ll help control the line.” Mrs. Delgado winks at me then snaps a lid on an empty box of ornaments and shuffles toward the door with it.
My forehead scrunches. Santa's helper? I didn’t know there would be someone else with me tonight. Suddenly I know exactly why a twenty-three-year-old is playing Santa—Mrs. Delgado is playing matchmaker. She’s practically the yenta of Pine Lakes.
“Remember, tonight is about connection, Jordan,” she calls over her shoulder. “Don’t ruin this.”
Yep, she’s definitely setting me up.
I’m in the process of going through a list of all the single girls currently residing in Pine Lakes when an elf in striped tights and a tiny fur-trimmed skirt taps at the glass door with a pointed shoe. In her arms, she’s got two giant boxes full of little cellophane baggies and is holding the top box in place with her cheek.
I run to the door and open it to let her in. “Here, I can…” I begin, about to take the top box.
“If you take that one, it will all come down. But if you can make sure I don’t trip over anything, that would be great.”
“Sure.” Something is achingly familiar about her voice. Paige? It’s all I can do not to pull the boxes out of her hands just to see her face.
I stay next to her, making sure she doesn’t run into any of the gold poles or velvet ropes around Santa’s cushioned chair. When we get to a trio of tinsel-draped trees, she drops the boxes with a sigh, shakes her hands out, then turns to me.
With one look in those green eyes, I feel weightless but grounded, happy but sad, home but homesick. Either this pregnancy belly is doing something to my hormones or Paige is the elf.
“Paige?” I pull my beard down.
Paige’s mouth drops open as her eyebrows shoot up. “Jordan?”
I run a hand across my mouth, pulling out several wisps of Santa’s beard. “I can’t believe… You're an… When did you… You’re here.” Smooth, Jordan.
Paige laughs, and I swear I’m going to record that sound and make it my ringtone. How have I gone over four years without hearing that laugh?
She shrugs and smiles. “Mrs. Delgado.” The name is the answer to my questions, and I know we both understand who’s responsible for tonight’s reunion.
I need to send Mrs. Delgado some flowers or give her volunteer hours for life.
“Wow.” Paige looks at me in awe. “This is crazy. It’s been a while.” She comes in for a brief side hug, and my heart feels warm and gooey like it’s been dipped in chocolate fondue. But when she pulls back, she’s biting her lower lip, a nervous habit of hers. At least, it used to be.
“You look amazing,” I say, taking in this new version of my old best friend. Paige has always been pretty, but the Paige in front of me now carries herself with a new maturity that has my heart beating double time. But it’s still Paige Devons—the sparkling eyes, the bright smile, the chocolate-brown hair, and that unforgettable dimple.
Paige looks down and tugs at the hem of her skirt, looking uncomfortable. Her cheeks redden.
A moment later, it hits me that she might have thought my compliment was alluding to her shorter-than-average skirt. “Oh no, I didn't mean you look amazing in your outfit. I mean, you do look amazing in it, but not just because of your legs. I mean, your legs look really good, but…” Shut up, Jordan. Shut up.
Paige chuckles. “I didn’t think you were checking me out, Jordan. But I’m glad to know my legs look good.”
I blow out a short breath before trying to recover from my verbal spewing. “You just… You look very elf-like.” Oh, kill me now.
Paige grins and pulls at the fur lining of her elf clothes. “I’m pretty sure Mrs. Delgado got this outfit from one of those trashy Halloween shops, hoping to save a penny.” She smirks then gestures at my white beard. “You’ve aged.”
I chuckle, grateful she’s put an end to my babbling, and look down at my red-and-white apparel. Out of all the times I imagined seeing Paige again, not once did I picture myself in a pregnancy belly and a beard that smells like the ghosts of Santa's past. It seems we’re both out of our element tonight.
All too soon, two children with their parents come into the room, and I snap my beard in place. “I guess that’s our cue.”
We both linger for a moment, though, and I can only hope she’s as eager as I am to keep this conversation going after we’re done here. She smiles up at me, and my insides feel like they can power every Christmas light in this room. I may not look much like Santa, but at this moment, I’m pretty sure I could out-jolly the best of them.
“Where do you want the kids to line up?” Paige asks, reaching for some cellophane treat baggies to give the incoming kids.
“If they line up on the left, that would probably make the line flow best.”
I sit on Santa’s velvet chair, and Paige starts lining the kids up on the right. For a moment, she seems confused. She looks at me then at the awkwardly placed line.
I laugh. “Your other left, Paige!”
“Oh, right!” She jingles her left wrist, flashing her golden L bracelet.
I’ve missed her. Suddenly, the hole in my chest that is reserved solely for Paige begins filling in with every nuanced piece of her that has come back to my life.
Two hours later, Paige and I walk side by side around the Pine Lakes City Center. I’ve traded my Santa clothes and beard for joggers and a puffer coat, and Paige is still wearing her elf outfit buried beneath a shoulder-to-ankle coat. She’s about as close to a walking sleeping bag as they come.
I can’t help but watch Paige’s amazed expression as she takes in the decorations around us. Every tree gleams with twinkling lights, and every railing is wound with garland and red ribbon. We stop to listen to a tightly harmonized version of “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen,” sung by a group of old-timey carolers bundled in festive apparel. Paige bounces on the balls of her feet and sings along under her breath.
Since Mom’s diagnosis, holidays haven’t felt particularly exciting—they’ve been mostly low-key and quiet. But watching Paige glow with Christmas cheer, I suddenly feel like a child again, experiencing the magic of the season just by watching her.
“It’s like a Hallmark movie on steroids,” Paige says as we continue our walk around the decked-out city center. “Any moment, I expect a small-town tree farmer to run into a big-city lawyer and fall desperately in love.”
I laugh. “Will their whirlwind romance save the family farm from bankruptcy before Christmas Day?”
“Naturally.” Paige smiles, just before she starts sliding on the patch of ice beneath her feet. She turns sharply, legs wobbling, and her hands jut out, grasping the front of my jacket.
Her legs stop moving, and her eyes widen as she looks up at me. “That was close.”
We both look around and find that we’ve walked straight into the center of a large patch of ice.
I put an arm around her back to stabilize her as we step forward. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you fa… ah…”
My mouth shuts as my feet sweep from right under me. Instinctively, I grasp for anything to keep me upright and end up bringing Paige down with me. She slams hard against my chest as we both hit the ice and groan at the impact.
Paige pushes up on her arms until her face is right above mine. “I’m sorry—what were you saying?” Her eyes shine with pure amusement.
I jab her playfully in the ribs. “Get off, you brat.”
Paige starts laughing as she slowly gets to her feet, then she reaches out a hand and pulls me up. She grabs my wrist and starts to walk forward. “Don’t worry.” She glances back at me. “I won’t let you fall.” Her voice goes low on the last sentence, mimicking me with her eyes full of laughter.
Just then, both of her feet slip forward, knocking her back into my chest. I put both my arms around her middle to stabilize us, but our feet start sliding in different directions. We grasp at each other’s arms to stay upright, readjusting to new positions every time our feet slip awkwardly around the ice. Just when I think we’re in the clear, Paige’s foot slips behind mine, and we go spiraling to the ground yet again. I wrap my arms around Paige’s head and back and pull her in front of me, just before landing in the same position we were moments ago. The air in my lungs gets knocked out on impact.
“Are you guys okay?” a woman’s voice asks.
When I finally find my breath, I tilt my chin and find a mother and her kids looking down at us with worried expressions.
Something vibrates against my chest, and fear floods me as I imagine Paige hurt and crying. Her body is draped haphazardly against mine, and I gently brush the hair from her face. That’s when she looks up at me, tears streaming down her cheeks. She’s laughing , laughing so hard I can feel her whole body shaking in her cocoon of a jacket.
I roll my eyes and push up onto my elbow to address the small family. “We may need a chiropractor tomorrow, but otherwise, I think we’re good.”
The mom hesitantly returns my smile before she urges her children forward and down the lighted walkway.
Paige rolls off me, still laughing, and I can’t help but smile as I get onto my hands and knees. I can see the edge of the ice several feet away. I’ve already lost my dignity, so I have no qualms about crawling like a baby to safe ground.
“Wait.” Paige reaches out for me.
I scurry forward on my hands and knees until I’m beyond her reach, laughing. “No way, I think we’ve proven we’re no help to each other.”
She clutches the bottom of my coat. “Jordan Samuel Miller, get back here.”
As we crawl off the ice together, we’re both laughing so hard that people start gathering around to watch.
When we finally get to our feet, Paige’s face is beet-red, and tears of laughter continue to streak her face. She dabs at them with her coat. “I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.”
We face one another, holding onto each other’s coats like we still need the stability. Eventually, the hilarity fades, and I’m left with her beautiful green gaze.
“I’ve missed you,” I say.
I’m not sure what reaction I expected, but Paige’s expression immediately sobers as she drops her arms and steps back.
“Jordan.” My name is nothing but a whisper from her lips.
My eyebrows draw together in confusion at the sudden shift in her features. What did I do?
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I never called you when your mom…” She chokes on her words, and her eyes go glossy but not from laughing this time. “I should have been there for you, Jordan.”
She begins crying, hard and fast, and I pull her into me, letting her get it all out. “Hey, hey, Paige. You did nothing wrong.”
Her sobs deepen, and I rest my hand behind her head, cradling her against my chest.
“You called me every Tuesday for months, Jordan. And I never answered. I told myself I couldn’t. I thought I just needed time. But you… and your mom’s cancer diagnosis…”
My heart hurts knowing that Paige has carried this guilt with her for years when I’m the one who pushed her away.
The last time we spoke, she told me she loved me, and I left her without a word, not brave enough to tell her how I felt. I wasn’t brave enough to tell her that I loved her back. I wasn’t brave enough to tell her that I wasn’t going to go to California with her and that two days before graduation, I’d learned of my mom’s cancer diagnosis.
I wasn’t brave enough to tell her that I was terrified of changing our relationship when she was the only thing grounding me.
I wasn’t brave enough. And it cost me Paige.
I run a hand down her hair as her tears drip onto my coat. I’m not sure why Paige came back to Colorado, but I can’t help but feel that I’ve been given a second chance with her. And this time, I will be brave enough.
When Paige’s breathing slows, I draw back and lower my head until my eyes meet hers. I place my palms on either side of her face, wiping her tears with my thumbs. “It’s okay, Paige. I’m okay. My mom’s okay. Now, can we please start over? Because I’ve really missed my best friend.”
She glances up at me through tear-soaked lashes and smiles. “Yes, please.”
“Good.” I pull her in for one more hug.
Paige wraps her arms tight around my back. “Jordan?”
“Mmm?” I close my eyes, relishing the feel of her after all these years.
“I’ve missed you too.”
Paige and I spend the next half-hour talking about the lost years between us. I find out that Paige came to Colorado for an internship, which, to be honest, surprises me. Ever since I’ve known Paige, she’s wanted to get out of Colorado. She chose a college in sunny California for a reason. Plus, Paige’s parents moved to Nevada the year after she left for college, so I wouldn’t think Pine Lakes would be much of a draw to her. But I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, especially when I also find out that Paige doesn’t have a boyfriend. She’s single.
The more we talk and laugh, the more tiny threads of hope weave through me. This night has brought so many incredible surprises that I almost feel guilty hoping Paige still feels about me the way I feel about her. Then there are times when our eyes linger a little too long or our hands brush a little too often, and I think, This time, things will be different .
But that’s when the ball drops.
“Z3 Group. It’s this amazing ad agency in San Francisco that specializes in global marketing.” Paige’s whole countenance seems to brighten as she answers my question. “So yeah, that’s the dream. I had a professor that sang Z3’s praises during my freshman year at Berkeley, and ever since, I’ve wanted to work for them.”
I nod, my heart sinking.
She continues. “I actually spoke with their creative director last month, and it went really well. We talked about the company and how I want to be an advertising executive one day, and he even looked through my portfolio. He said the only thing he would recommend is getting an internship before applying there. So that’s why I’m here for the next six months. Well, that and Ji and Missy were planning on living together, so I didn't want to miss the party.”
“So you’re not staying in Colorado?” I ask.
“The plan is to apply for Z3 in the summer, around the end of my internship,” she says breezily, as if her words aren’t crushing my internal organs.
Paige tells me more about Z3, including how their San Francisco office is right on the beach and that if she gets high enough in the company, she could even travel to and work in Z3’s international offices. Paige has always wanted to travel. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect fit for her, and from the excitement in her eyes, I know she sees it too.
I’m so happy for her, but I also feel like a match has been lit and it's setting fire to any hopes I had of having something more with Paige. If her future is still in California—or anywhere other than Colorado, really—then I can’t follow her there. Not when my mom is here.
Four and a half years ago, I found out about my mom’s cancer diagnosis, and since then I’ve realized my selfishness is part of the reason she’s still suffering the side effects of chemo years later. Now, I watch my mom struggle every day because of my immaturity. I cannot and will not leave her, not when I’m responsible for making her life worse.
Never before have I told a soul about my role in my mom’s pain or why I struggle to leave her. And in one brief moment of insanity, I consider opening up to Paige about this… but it’s Paige. Paige with her big, selfless heart. Paige who would put her dreams on hold if it meant being there for a friend. If by some chance Paige does still love me, and I open up to her about my feelings and why I can’t leave my mom, what would Paige do? Would she give up her dreams to stay here with me?
That thought makes me sick. No, I can’t tell her.
Just like I can’t abandon my mom to suffer on her own, I can’t hold Paige back from her dreams. If she wants to move to California, to live by the beach, to travel the world, I couldn’t live with myself if I held Paige back from her ambitions in any way, not when they bring so much light into her eyes. I’ve already ruined one life—I won’t be responsible for stunting another. Not when I love Paige like I do.
“You okay?” Paige reaches out and places her hand over my fingers in a friendly gesture.
My hand burns under her touch. I want to turn it over and lace my fingers between hers. But I don’t, because looking into her bright eyes, I know Paige deserves to be happy with someone who can give her the world. And I can’t.
So I pull my hand from beneath hers. If friendship is all I can give Paige, I need to act like a friend. I can’t hug her too long, hold her hand, or get too close. Not when one touch from her has the ability to weaken my willpower.
“Yep.” My lips lift in a half smile as she looks up at me, nose red and eyes twinkling. Paige deserves everything, I remind myself, and that is not me.
At that moment, I tell myself that if the only way I can love Paige is as a friend, then I am still lucky I get to love her. And I promise myself that when the time comes and another man enters Paige’s life, I will step aside and not interfere.