Chapter 23
PAIGE
The doorbell rings, and I push against the unsettling feelings in my chest. That’s probably Ian. I glance at my watch. Quarter to eight. We technically still have fifteen minutes before game night starts, but “on time” to Ian is usually ten minutes early, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s him. I place my empty water glass inside the kitchen sink and head for the door.
Tonight is our friend group’s annual back-to-school game night, a tradition we started years ago. And while the only person still in school is Colton, we’re all about tradition, so we do it anyway with whoever is around. And this time, Ian’s coming.
Briefly, I comb through my straightened hair with my fingers as I look in the hallway mirror and readjust my light-blue square-necked top. I just saw Ian last night, and for some reason, seeing him today feels too soon.
Quickly, I review the list of conversation topics I created for us during work. Topics that aren’t centered around things we used to do together when we were in high school. Because lately, that’s the only thing we seem to talk about.
I paste a smile on my face and open the door. “Jordan?” My lips part in a true grin as my heart flutters inside me. He stands on my doorstep in a white short-sleeved Henley, jeans, and a backward baseball cap. Hello, kryptonite.
“I brought snacks,” Jordan says, raising the bottle of Orange Fanta and barbeque Pringles in his hands, two of my favorites.
“You’re my hero.” I take them from him.
He follows me into the kitchen, where I place his offerings on the island next to the charcuterie board Ji made for tonight.
“Am I the only one here?” Jordan stops at the opposite end of the kitchen counter, putting a solid eight feet between us.
“For now. Ji had to run to the store for more prosciutto. Missy is on her way back from her cousin’s house. And Colton and Ian should be here soon.”
Jordan nods and picks up a water cup, turning it in his hands.
“So, what’s the latest with your Cali team?” Jordan asks, his favorite question as of late.
“They are not my team yet,” I remind him once again. “But it’s going really well. Kitty, the graphic designer on the team, is a deep thinker, so she always gets us on some weird tangents. Today’s was about the ingenuity of the spork and how she thinks it is the superior utensil. And Cody, the art director, sent me pictures of his four-month-old baby boy, and I swear I could nom-nom his little cheeks all day. He’s so adorable.”
Though Jordan smiles, it doesn't reach his eyes. This is the first time I’ve mentioned California around him that he hasn’t been all Great, great, that’s so great about it.
Our eyes connect, seeming to minimize the distance between us. His mouth opens to say something, but then he closes it.
“What?” I ask, wondering what’s caused the sudden shift in his mood.
Jordan ducks his head and places the cup on the counter. “I’m just… I’m going to miss you.”
I’m stunned into silence. I mean, I’ve always assumed he would miss me if I went to California. We’re best friends. But this was the first time he’s actually said it out loud.
“I think… These past couple of weeks, I’ve realized it’s just a matter of time. And I have a lot that I…” Jordan stops abruptly, looking like he’s rethinking his words.
“What is it?”
For a moment, his fingers tap restlessly against the counter, then he turns his gaze to me. “I guess… I don’t know how many more chances I’ll get to say this. But sometimes, I find myself forgetting what life was like before you. When I met you, it was like everything up to that point was in black and white, then I found you talking to a faucet behind that bush.” He laughs a little. “It was like you put color into my world, Paige. And I know that wherever you go, you’re going to change lives. Just like you’ve changed mine.”
I’m a puddle on the floor. A gooey, swoony puddle. Jordan has said many sweet things to me over the years, but this takes the cake.
The seconds tick on as Jordan and I stare at one another across the counter. We don’t move. We don’t talk. We just soak each other in.
But our moment is swiftly interrupted with a very loud, very offkey rendition of “Soon May the Wellerman Come.” I hear the garage door roll shut from across the house.
“Is that Ji singing?” Jordan whispers.
“Yeah,” I whisper back, not knowing why we’re whispering.
Jordan’s face lights up with a mischievous look I know all too well. At the same time, we both start looking for a good place to hide, because we are too immature to pass up an opportunity for a good jump scare. And Ji, despite her no-nonsense persona, is a jump-scare proficient—we’ve all been her victims at one time or another.
I hear Ji’s footsteps approaching as I pull open the pantry door, and Jordan and I jump in. He closes the door behind us, leaving the tiniest crack of light. All thoughts of Ji instantly vanish when I find myself pressed against Jordan’s chest with my arms between us.
This pantry isn’t the walk-in kind—it’s got floor-to-ceiling shelves with only enough space at your feet to put a bag of flour and a few cans. Jordan’s left hand holds onto my upper arm while his right forearm gets pressed between my waist and the wire rack. Everything goes quiet, and all I can hear is the sound of our breathing.
I accidentally step on a can, briefly losing my balance and squishing Jordan’s arm in the process. He moves his arms so that one rests on the door frame to my right and the other is on the shelf next to my left shoulder.
“Sorry.” My lips rise in a small smile as I meet Jordan’s half-illuminated gaze.
When I do, the way his eyes take me in feels anything but friendly. They are filled with a heat and desire that I have never seen from him before.
In a movement so soft, I swear I’m imagining it, Jordan lifts his hand to my face. He runs his thumb over my single dimple.
“Have I ever told you that I love this dimple?” His voice is barely a whisper.
Against my will, my eyes flutter shut, and I soak in Jordan’s touch. His thumb trails lightly down my cheek and across my chin, seeming to outline every feature of my face like it’s made of delicate porcelain.
Breathless at his touch, my body seems weightless. Every moment sends a delightful shiver down my spine. Jordan cups a hand around my face, his fingers combing into the hair behind my ear.
I don’t move at first, afraid that if I do, this moment will end. Regardless, I find myself flattening my hands against his chest and leaning into him.
Jordan gently tilts my face up to his. His lips are whisper-soft as they press against my cheek, making my skin blossom into a million tingles. His mouth trails slow kisses along my jaw until it finds the corner of my mouth and…
And the pantry door flies open, assaulting us with light.
Ji screams. Then I scream. Then Jordan jumps back, knocking into a shelf of dried beans and noodles, sending a Tupperware of lima beans scattering all over the kitchen floor.
“What are you guys doing?” Ji lowers the wooden rolling pin that, up until this moment, she was holding like a baseball bat.
“Um, we were”—Jordan stumbles out of the pantry, crunching lima beans with every step—“trying to scare you.”
Ji’s eyebrows can’t rise any higher. “Oh, it looks like you were doing a lot more than that.”
JORDAN
I sit on the floor of the living room, playing with the edges of the Scattergories card in my hand. The game timer ticks on the coffee table next to the alphabet die, and I can’t think of a single word that starts with the letter L.
I glance up at Paige, sandwiched between Ian and Missy on the couch, and just as I do, her gaze flicks from her card to me. I am heavily torn between tossing my game card aside and either finishing what we started or walking out the door, leaving temptation behind.
I break our eye contact before I do something dumb. Again. What was I thinking? This is Paige. Off-limits Paige. Paige, here with Ian. Paige, who has a promising life awaiting her in California.
I tell myself these things over and over again, but then I remember how Paige’s eyes fluttered closed, the feel of her silky-soft skin beneath my fingers, the way our embrace filled my heart with hope. Hope that she feels the same about me. I want it to be true so badly.
All the while, I know what the right thing to do is. I should talk to her. I should tell her I’m sorry. That I won’t let it happen again. But I’ve tried to separate myself from Paige and failed. I have no more chance of breaking myself away from her than a fly from sticky paper. The more I try to resist Paige, the more I get sucked in. Holding her and kissing her felt so right. For one fleeting moment, I felt whole with her in my arms.
The game buzzer goes off, rattling against the table.
“Okay, who’s starting us off?” Colton asks, silencing the buzzer.
Ji’s hand shoots up way too fast. “I’ll start.”
I look at the blank game card in my hand, where I was supposed to write a word that started with the letter L next to each phrase on the card.
“Number one. Items you find in a purse.” Ji looks at her card. “I have ‘lipstick.’”
Missy groans and crosses “lipstick” off her card. Then everyone else rattles off the L words they came up with and writes their score down.
“Number two,” Ji says. “Things in a pantry. I have ‘lovers.’”
“You find lovers in a pantry?” Colton asks.
I immediately glance at Paige, who blushes and looks away. Then I meet Ji’s eyes right before she winks at me with a knowing smirk on her face.
“Oh, my bad.” Ji continues. “That was my answer for number three. My answer for two is ‘lima beans.’”
I tug at the collar of my shirt. Suddenly, the living room feels stiflingly hot. I pop to my feet once we finish scoring our cards. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go get some more food.”
In the kitchen, I load a plastic plate to the brim with finger food when I hear a crunch beneath my feet. I look down to find a rogue crushed lima bean. Suddenly, I can almost feel Paige’s lips close to mine. I don’t think I’ll ever look at a lima bean the same way again. I pull off my hat and run a hand through my hair before replacing it on my head. Then I pick up my plate and pivot toward the living room, but when I turn, Ji stands in front of me.
I flinch, nearly toppling my plate. “Ji, you scared me.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She looks zero-percent repentant.
I step right to go around her, but she steps too, blocking my path. I step to the left, this time faster, but she moves in front of me again, crossing her arms.
Ji points an accusatory finger at me. “You like her.”
“Who?” I ask.
She gives me a don’t-play-dumb-with-me look.
“Paige?” I pinch a piece of cheese off my plate and pop it in my mouth as casually as possible. “Of course I do. We’re best friends.”
Ji shakes her head in disbelief. “I suspected this, but then you rejected her so many times that I thought, okay, maybe he doesn’t have feelings for her.”
“Ji, Paige is with Ian.”
“Jordan.” She tilts her head. “Ian and Paige were in love… once. And what I saw then versus what I see now is not the same. In high school, they could barely sit in two separate seats, they were so into each other.”
“I didn’t need to know that.”
“But now, she’s uncomfortable with him.”
My back straightens. “What?”
Ji shakes her head. “He’s not mistreating her or anything like that. I can just tell it’s not insta-love like it was last time. They are different people now, and I think she sees it. AKA you still have a chance.”
My jaw clenches. “I’m not trying to have a chance, Ji.”
“What do you mean?” She points to the pantry. “You clearly have feelings for her. Wait.” She narrows her eyes at me. “This isn’t some male-ego dominance thing, right? You’re not suddenly interested in Paige because Ian is back and you want to get even with him?”
“What? No!” I draw back, repulsed by the idea.
Ji smiles. “So you do like her.”
“Ah. Ji.” I try to sidestep her again, but she jumps in front of me once more. She’s like the pins on a pinball machine, blocking my every exit.
“You’ve got to tell her how you feel, Jordan.”
I set my plate on the counter. If Ji has her way, as she always does, I will be here until she decides this conversation is over. “I can’t tell her. Have you ever thought that maybe there’s a reason we’ve never been more? It doesn’t matter if I like her.”
I take a deep breath, a freeing feeling sweeping through me. I’ve never admitted my feelings for Paige to anyone. Not even Colton or Miles. But a lightness envelops me as I say it to Ji. I might not be telling her everything, but letting someone know a portion of what I feel is a relief, and suddenly, I want to say more. “I don’t want to hurt her.”
Ji bites her lip, and I can tell she’s refraining from telling me what she’s thinking. Then her face twists with curiosity. “How long have you liked her?”
I cross my arms, wondering how much to tell Ji. But what does it matter when she already knows how I feel? I clear my throat. “A while.”
“Oh, my gosh. You’ve liked her since junior year, haven’t you?” Ji asks. My expression must say it all because she doesn’t wait for a response. “But the night of graduation? She told you she loved you, and you didn’t say anything. Instead, you walked out of a closet with that girl.”
I try to remember the fragmented pieces of that night. I walked out of a closet with a girl? Oh… “April Barker?”
“Yes!” Ji glares at me. “You broke Paige’s heart when she saw you with her.”
My heart burns as I add a new layer of regret to graduation night.
“But that wasn’t… we weren’t…”
“You weren’t together?”
“No!” I say a little too loudly.
Ji and I glance toward the living room entrance, hoping I didn’t just alert all our friends to our conversation.
“Jordan, you need to stop getting into closets with women,” Ji whispers. “You’re sending way too many mixed signals.”
“Everything all right in here?” Missy saunters in and trashes her empty plate before looking between Ji and me curiously.
Ji looks her way. “I’ll tell you later.”
I glare at her. “No, Ji, you won’t.”
“Oh, she will, sugar,” Missy says, laying her accent on thick. “You underestimate the power of Southern charm.”
Finally, Ji steps to the side to let me pass, but before I can move, she speaks again, her voice quiet and serious. “Jordan, I don’t know what’s holding you back from telling Paige how you feel, but there are two people in your relationship, and Paige deserves to have a say. Don’t take her choices away from her. Let her in.”
Ji pats my shoulder and heads to the living room with Missy, who looks eager for the tea. But I stay in the kitchen, revisiting Ji’s words. Paige deserves to have a say. The words strike a new chord within me. If Paige really does like me, then who am I to withhold a decision from her? I would want one.
But that would mean telling Paige how I feel. It would mean going against the usual doubts and fears that flood my mind when I think of a future with her. If Paige decided to stay here with me, I would still be holding her back from California.
I blow out a deep breath and run my hands down my face as Ji’s words echo once more in my mind. Don’t take her choices away from her. And I can’t help but believe Ji is right. Taking away Paige’s choices is as bad as holding her back. She deserves to have a say.
And in order to give her a say, I need to tell her how I feel. I need to let Paige in.