Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
CHELSEA
We left the field before we even had a chance to congratulate Jackson on his State Championship win.
I think we were actually the first truck to pull out of the parking lot, the loyal fans staying and celebrating into the night.
He hasn’t said a word to me, even after Dominic passed out in his car seat, and the forty-five-minute ride home was long and silent.
We pull into my driveway, Adam cuts the engine off but doesn’t make a move. I sit staring straight ahead because I don’t know what to do with this Adam. This Adam is losing his control and he is trying desperately to hold onto it.
“Did you let her convince you of something that wasn’t real?”
I hate that we don’t even have to explain who ‘she’ is. She’s been a shadow in our relationship since I moved to Christmas. I drop my head, my hands wringing together in my lap.
“Chelsea. Answer me,” he snaps. “Did you fall for lies instead of coming to me?”
I’m still silent trying to get control of my thoughts.
I don’t want to just blurt things out. I want to have a reasonable discussion.
I’m tired of fighting over the same thing.
I thought it’d be different now. But I see as long as we’re here in Christmas, and so is Grace, it will be a constant cause of malcontent.
He’s gripping the steering wheel and his breathing picks up. He’s getting angry because his thoughts are spiraling. He has no control over this because I’m not giving him any words to grab ahold of.
“So, are we back to just being co-parents again, Chelsea Jo? Not being able to talk anything out.”
“I don’t want to be.”
“Then give me something! We made a mess. I’m trying to fix it!
” At his outburst, I turn abruptly to check that Dom hasn’t woken up.
When I see he is still quietly tucked in, I jump out my door, and open the back door, taking Dom out of his car seat and heading inside.
I need to get him in his own bed to sleep before we continue with this.
I hear Adam shut his door, following closely behind me.
He opens the front door for me, helping me inside.
I head right to Dom’s bedroom, placing him down, taking off his shoes, and tucking him in for the night.
I shut the light and walk back down the hall.
Adam is pulling at his hair with one hand, his hat in the other. His eyes are frantic.
“I thought we were on our way to fixing this. We told him tonight who I am. Tell me what to do,” he pleads in a whisper-yell. “Was it me, or was it rumors? Was it my hours? I was always committed to you Chelsea, you’re the one who would leave me. I didn’t want that.”
“Yeah? And who did you see when I left?”
“Do you hear yourself? You just acknowledged leaving me! How can I be at fault for doing something when you left me?”
“We were on breaks, Adam. You know I could never leave you fully.”
“But you did leave! And breaks?” he scoffs. “How did I know it was a break when you would disappear? Not tell me anything. Not answer calls. And that final exit of yours? Twenty-four months is not a break, Chelsea.”
Tears run down my face. I’ve broken us and I don’t know if we’ll ever get past it. I knew when I met this man, he’d either be the life or the death of me. He had the power to shatter me if I let him. And I wasn’t strong enough to stop myself from letting it happen.
We’re facing each other, he on one side of the kitchen island, me on the other. “If we could go back, would you do it again? Would you keep the secret, or would you tell me?” Adam pleads for a different outcome.
Would I have left? Stayed? I honestly don’t know. Hindsight is 20/20 of course and seeing how his family responded to me coming back, I’d like to say that I would have stayed. I’d like to say I would have told him, and we could have been happy together.
“I’m not perfect but I would have been there. Whatever you needed, I would have done,” he declares.
“But would you have wanted to?” I question him tentatively, afraid to know the answer.
“Of course, I would have wanted to! There’s been nobody but you since I was twenty years old! But you took that choice from me.” His hands are gripping the island. “He’s my son, Chelsea! I love him now and I would have then. We would have figured it out.”
“I didn’t want to be something to figure out. I wanted us to be the first pick. First choice. First love.”
He rips his hat from his head again and is pulling at his hair furiously now.
“But what does first mean to you? You were my first love, Chelsea! You still are! I’ve been trying to do it all, be all for everyone.
There’s so much pressure on me to take care of them.
Dad left the business to me, but I still employ him.
This is his and Mom’s life. And Billy! I had to make sure Billy got his life straightened out.
I let him work for me so I can keep an eye on him.
And I had to get Francesca home, and Tom need—”
“Adam! Do you hear yourself? You can’t be everything to everyone!
Billy can take care of himself. I think he acts like he can’t just so you’ll feel needed.
” He blanches at that. “And Tom is doing very well for himself. If you haven’t noticed, he and Farrah seem to be spending time together.
A lot of it. So, he’s not alone. And Chess has Jackson now. ”
“But it’s always been me. They depend on me, and I like that. It’s my purpose.”
“It’s not purpose, it’s control, Adam.” I stand firmly in my declaration.
With a mocking tone he says, “Control? When it comes to you, I have none.” He clears his throat and speaks softer now.
“I had no control over falling in love with you, Chelsea. It just happened. It’s like the universe just knew it was always supposed to be us.
” His words float around the room. I had no control over it, either.
It was instantaneous even though I fought that feeling all the way.
If I had allowed myself to trust, I probably wouldn’t have put us in this position.
“Then let it be your time, Adam. Let it be our time. You have to choose you now. Choose Dom.”
Choose me.
But I would never ask that of him. I’m still afraid I won’t get the answer I need.
His grip loosens on the island. He seems defeated. He has no fight and I’ve never seen this look on him before. He doesn’t allow himself to be vulnerable. I walk around to the island to be near him.
“I was so mad at you,” I whisper.
“Was there someone else?” He chokes these words out. The look in his eyes, its tangible pain, pleading with me to say no, there was no one but him.
I shake my head. “No. Never, Adam. It’s only been you.”
His body relaxes slightly. “Why did you come back, Chels? Why are you here? I know you said you came back for Dominic, so he had his family. But what about you? What do you want out of this?”
Taking a deep breath, I speak the words that if not heard, really heard by Adam, can crush me for good. “I want this. I want you. I want our family. I want to be first. I want Dom to be first.”
When he just stares at me, I answer the question again. “Why did I come back? Because I love you. Is that enough? Is it enough that the whole reason why I exist is to love you?”