Chapter 31
I wake up to another bleary day. The sun is shining brightly. Birds chirp outside my window. The smell of fresh-cut grass wafts in, courtesy of Lauren’s mowing earlier. It’s lovely out there, but I wallow in this inner gloom and grief that I debate staying in bed even longer than I already am. I’ve got no willpower to get up yet, not when nothing excites me. It’s a similar funk I endured after my parents’ deaths.
I overheard Lauren telling Marian that I’m like a husk of my former self, but she just doesn’t get it. She’s never lost someone like this. She’s never had to live through a horrible spell of not getting what she wants. Even when she and Caleb struggled after she went back to Jeremy, she had a light at the end of the tunnel. She’s since confided in me, explaining that she had a plan when she went with Jeremy. She intended to somehow find her way back to Caleb. I have no such strategy. Dalton left, while I’m still here, pining after him.
It’s been eighteen days and nine hours since he left. Not that I’m counting or anything. These last three weeks have been nothing but a serious pull of grief and loss, and it hurts so damn bad. Each time I let my mind go to thoughts of him, I’m flogged anew with deep regret.
I should have heard him out. I should have let him explain this complicated crap with his ex who kept hounding after him.
But no. I didn’t. I was too damn scared of being hurt again, of being left again. This terror isn’t getting me far in life, but I still suffer from that worry that I can feel something so profound for someone and still be at risk of the universe proving to me yet again how easy it is to lose something I love.
And every time I debate with myself and wade through the guilt, I know it’s partly my fault. I was too stubborn, too scared, and now, I’m so very single to eke a way through life solo.
I should have—
My phone rings and I roll my head on the pillow to glare at it.
“I swear, Lauren, if you’re seriously calling me from the first floor again, I’ll scream.” I know I should appreciate her concern, but this is too much.
Let me wallow alone. I deserve that much.
I pick up the device though, curious if it isn’t her, who could be calling. I doubt it’s Dalton. He showed me what he thought of me when he left.
It’s a number I recognize, and I’m glad I didn’t dismiss it.
“Hi, Sherry,” I answer.
“Oh, no. Did you catch a cold? You sound terrible.”
I cringe. No, this is sinus inflammation and a scratchy throat from crying to sleep every night. “Eh, just allergies. How are you?”
“Excited! The board said I’ve got the honors.”
My heart races. She is just one of those people whose enthusiasm is infectious. It even gets to me while I’m in this gloom.
“You’ve got the job, Aubrey! Just like I knew you would!”
I jolt up and sit in bed. “Really?”
“Really! I’m so happy for you, but then again, I knew it. I knew you’d get it.”
“Oh, thanks, Sherry. Thank you. This is good news.” It truly is. Knowing I’ve been given a second chance at my career is a blessing. It seems whatever my former school said wasn’t so bad to prevent me from getting another chance elsewhere. A huge weight has lifted off my shoulders with this boon of good fortune. I wish I could share it with Dalton, but I can’t be picky about my fate.
“Not only that, I’ve got another suggestion for you. I suppose an offer.”
“Not sure what you can offer me that would make this day even better.”
“I spoke with Ms. Henning. She’s paid for her apartment in full for her lease, which would expire next summer. Her sister passed so suddenly, she didn’t even have the time or energy to deal with it. Just up and moved. She went numb, handled business, and hurried to her orphaned niece. Didn’t even think about the apartment she had in town. Just dismissed all those details. Grief can do that to a person.”
Oh, don’t I know it.
“Anyway, the apartment is just sitting there. Fully furnished and right near the school. She asked me to relay this offer to you. It’s already paid for, so why don’t you stay there? Just pay for utilities, no rent. It’s much closer to the school than Marian’s place. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but Meadow Lane is a tricky stretch of pavement.”
I laugh. “I’m well aware of how treacherous this road is.” A memory of Dalton speeding past me on it when we both arrived comes to mind, and I tamp it back.
“And when it’s snowing, goodness. You won’t want to drive up and down it every morning.”
I nod, smiling. She’s right, and I can’t pass it up. I tell her as much, then hurry to find Lauren and Marian to share the news.
“Oh, I’ll miss having you here,” Marian says with a pout. She hugs me, though. “Sherry is so right. I’d hate to worry about you driving up and down every day and early in the morning when plow trucks might not be through yet.”
“And you’ll still be here!” Lauren clasps her hands together under her chin and smiles. “I mean not here here. But here!”
I join in her giggles and take her up on her eager idea to go check out the apartment. For the first time in a long while, I’ve got something to look forward to. Curiosity fills me about what the place is like, and a sense of adventure comes with the prospect of making another new home for myself. Maybe this building’s front door won’t be out of whack.
Lauren drives us down the road and into Breckenridge. It’s more on the outskirts, and it’s quite easy to locate Ms. Henning’s former residence. We enter the building—no questionable door out front, yay—and scope out the place that will be mine until I either decide to renew the lease or move somewhere else. Hopefully with a steady income again, I’ll have some options to consider.
Fortunately, the apartment is nice. It’s on the small side, but that doesn’t bother me. Why would it? I’m a bachelorette, for life it seems. I don’t need a ton of room to move around and do much. It’s not crowded and confining, but cozy. The furniture Ms. Henning left behind is all new and in excellent condition. Wide windows let in ample light, and when I peer through one, I smile at the café on the corner across the street as well as the pub in the otherdirection. Fairy lights are draped from bistro tables on the sidewalk, and I can hear the surprisingly good cover band practicing on a makeshift stage. I didn’t count on having local live entertainment too. If I only have to focus on covering the living expenses here, versus California, maybe I can afford to have a nightlife again.
What a novel idea.
“This is so cute!” Lauren hugs me again. Her eyes sparkle with excitement, and I’m so happy I can share this experience with her. My sister, my best friend. I wouldn’t trade her for the world, and having her here makes it all the sweeter. I’ll never regret getting her out of marrying Jeremy, not even at the cost of my career—which it looks like I’ll have again.
“Look!” She releases me and hurries to a window, pointing at the scene. “I’ll never tire of those mountains in the distance. It’s so beautiful.”
“It’s just so gorgeous,” I agree. I lean against her, resting my cheek on her shoulder as I give her a side hug.
“I’m so glad you’re staying,” she tells me. “I worried when I came here and decided to stay with Caleb that I’d miss you so much in California. I guess we can thank Jeremy for changing up your life and bringing you here.” She steps away, smirking and rolling her eyes. She said his name with such clear disgust, I have to smile a bit. “Really, though. I’m very happy we can spend time here together, especially away from my parents.”
“They were awful.” I stroll around the room, feeling lighter with the idea of what I can do here. Read in that chair there. Make my own food when I’m unable to enjoy Marian’s. Sleep without noisy neighbors like I had in LA.
“This winter would’ve been unbearable. Caleb will be back and forth between here and New York so much, and while he’s bouncing around like that, I can stay busy with you.” She playfully narrows her eyes and points at me. “I’m not forgetting about your promise to help me renovate and design the long-term housing in Frisco.”
I grin. “I’ll be there.” It’ll be so much fun. The creative opportunities are endless.
Lauren plops onto the couch and I join her. After a long sigh, she faces me. “You’ll be happy here?”
I gesture at the living room. “How could I not be?”
“You’ve been miserable since…”
I sniffle and cover my face. Tears hit me at once. It’s either PMS, or I’m losing it. “Since he left.” All this time we’ve been checking out the apartment, I’ve been stubbornly clinging to the happiness I should feel with my best friend here. I’ve got a new job. A new place—rent free. I shouldn’t be sad, but it’s like a lurking monster beneath the surface. All it takes is one comment for me to burst.
“Oh…Come here.” She holds her arm out and I crawl in to lean against her.
“I made such a huge mistake.”
“How?”
I cry harder. “By pushing him away.”
“He was already planning to go back to New York. For work. And to tell his ex to back off.”
I shake my head. “That’s not all of it.”
“Then tell me.” She strokes my hair back from my face and comforts me.
“I love him. But I never told him.”
“Why not?”
“I was scared. I used this whole thing with Johanna and all her drama with him as an excuse to push him away. I wanted to hide how terrified I was of being in love with him. Instead of just going for it, instead of taking a risk for once in my life, I chickened out.”
“You are one of the bravest women I know,” she confides gently and soothingly, but no less certainly. “You took a huge risk standing up for me. You took big risks trying to make a new life somewhere new.”
I sniffle, letting her words sink in. I know that. I’m aware what I’ve done is no small thing, coming out here with nothing. It’s not the same thing as the matter of my heart though.
“One day, Aubrey, I know you will let love in.”
I cry harder and she holds me tighter. “But I lost the only one I do love.”
“I’m confident he has to be feeling the same way. I don’t know all the details, but from what Caleb has shared with me, it sounds like Johanna has done a number on him. I’m not saying he’s excused for his actions, but I think both of you have significant hurdles to overcome. And that’s normal. That’s life.”
I hear the heartbreak and sympathy in her words. I feel her concern in the way she lets me lean on her in my moment of weakness, but I can’t console myself. I’m positive I’ve lost my chance with someone great. Still, I wipe my tears away. I’ve learned when to let the tears flow and when to lift my chin and face forward again. I’ve got things going for me again even if I’ve ruined a future with Dalton. I’ve got a class to teach, a new home to break in.
I’ve got to make the best of it.
No matter how much it might hurt.