Chapter 10 Face My Fears Alone
FACE MY FEARS ALONE
Declan
I hit send on what had to be the hundredth email of the day, while I listened to a status report on the rebuild of Nicolas’s new network.
Everything was on track, exactly how I had planned it.
If things continued to go well, I might be going home in a couple of months.
My chest tightened at the idea of going back to the UK. What the hell was wrong with me?
Another text came in and made my whole desk buzz.
Smiling, I picked up the phone and sat back while I swiped the new set of pictures Isla had sent me.
A whole three weeks had gone by since she had agreed to play nanny for me in exchange for the opportunity of a lifetime.
Was I an asshole for dangling that carrot in front of her to get what I wanted?
Yes, I was. Did I regret asking her to move in with us? Hell no.
In the short time I’d known her, I’d become addicted to her energy.
Joey loved her, too. More and more, I found myself leaving the office early just so I could spend the afternoon with the two of them.
Was that the reason why I kept dragging my feet when it came to finding a permanent nanny?
Casey had sent me three well-qualified people, but they all felt wrong.
They were not as warm or full of life like Isla. Joey needed someone like that.
I needed someone like that.
I scrolled through more photos of them at the park.
The sun on their happy faces made the tightness in my chest unravel.
In the back of my head, buried in the deep recess of my mind, a tiny voice told me I should get on with it already—find Harper, get a permanent nanny, and let Isla go.
Even though that was the last thing I wanted to do.
When she was around, having a brand-new baby didn’t scare the shit out of me.
The tabloids would have a field day with that bit of juicy news. Declan Noble was afraid of a tiny baby. I’d bet Isla could come up with a better tagline—something witty and funny.
“Mr. Noble.” My new assistant’s voice boomed in the intercom. “You have a call on line two. It’s the investigator you hired.”
“Thanks, I got it,” I said loud enough for her to hear me from her desk and picked up the call. “Declan here.”
“Mr. Noble, it’s Perry.”
“Do you have news for me?” I sat forward, heart beating fast.
Last week, I had asked Nicolas to recommend a good private investigator.
I’d also asked him for a doctor who could do a paternity test—quietly.
Nicolas had his assistant put a short list together for me.
He didn’t even ask why I needed a PI or a DNA test. I supposed he sensed I needed space.
I called Perry a few days later and asked him to find Harper Sokol for me.
I gave him her Instagram account. Apparently, that was all he needed to get the ball rolling.
Another reason why I didn’t do social media.
Getting someone to track Harper’s whereabouts had been easy.
But reaching out to Nicolas’s doctor to get a paternity test was way harder because as much as having a kid scared me, losing Joey scared me even more.
That was the thing with my new situation.
I had never in my life been this terrified.
And that included the time I went cliff diving in Mexico to get over my fear of heights.
One thing at a time. Harper first, then I could see about that test. Until I found Joey’s mom, if he was mine or not was irrelevant.
“Yes and no.” The sound of papers shuffling came through while Perry breathed heavily into the speaker. “I did confirm Harper has not left the state. However, I have not been able to pinpoint her whereabouts. It’s like the Earth opened up and swallowed her.”
I furrowed my brows at him even though he couldn’t see me. “Do you think she’s in trouble?”
If Harper was in some sort of trouble, it would make sense why she would take off and leave our baby behind with someone who, for all intents and purposes, was a stranger to her.
Harper and I weren’t exactly friends. We weren’t even fuck buddies.
Sure, we had spent a whole night in bed together, but I wasn’t the only guy she’d been with that evening.
I rubbed the side of my face as I remembered that day and how it all got started.
She had been having sex with another guy when I met her at the Crucible.
I knew this because I watched them for quite a while before she came over to me.
I never said I was a saint. The thing about the tabloids and the stuff they print—they weren’t always wrong.
“My gut feeling says yes. I’ll work that angle and report back as soon as I have something.”
“Yes, please do that. I need to find her this week.” If all went well, my contract in the States would be over in a month or so. I needed Joey’s situation resolved before then. “Thanks for the heads-up.”
“No problem, Mr. Noble.”
“Cheers.” I hung up.
What the hell was Harper into? Why didn’t she ask me for help? If she trusted me enough to leave Joey with me, why not straight up tell me what she needed? I raked a hand through my hair, shooting a glance at the clock. Was lunchtime too early to go home?
I rose to my feet then sat back down. No doubt Joey was taking a nap.
Isla liked to take that time to catch up on the projects she was due to inherit when she returned to the office.
I tried not to think about what that would mean for me.
I liked having her home. Even if I spent most of my time avoiding alone time with her.
Things were light and causal when Joey was in the mix.
Dinners were the highlight of my day when we would cook together and then watch Joey make a mess of his meal.
The problem was when he went down for the night, and Isla and I were left alone.
Every time it was just the two of us, a raw energy would begin to build until it was too unbearable for me to be in the same room as her.
Our one encounter outside the guest bathroom didn’t help matters.
I was coming out of my suite after a long day and ran into her in the hallway.
Literally, our bodies collided while I wore nothing but a pair of pajama pants and her a silky white tee that left nothing to the imagination.
And I meant nothing. I’d bet I could draw her tits from memory.
I groaned and sat back in my executive chair, my cock stiffening in my pants, which was the exact same reaction I had that night while a sleepy Isla pressed her tight body against me.
Shit. I needed to find a nanny sooner rather than later.
As much as I wanted her near me, this situation with Isla couldn’t continue.
I wasn’t being fair with her. More than that, I was being a selfish asshole because a part of me didn’t want to let her go.
“She doesn’t belong with you.” I gritted my teeth.
“I’m sorry. What was that?” My assistant shot to her feet and darted toward my office door.
“No, not you. I just remember I have to leave for a meeting. I won’t be back the rest of the day.” I shut my laptop and stuffed it in my computer bag. “Have a good weekend. I’ll see you Monday.”
“Thank you. You, too.” She smiled politely as she stepped back to let me through.
So what if the sexual tension between Isla and I made things awkward?
Our time was almost up. With the biggest grin on my face, I texted my driver and headed out to meet him in the lobby.
I climbed in the back seat of the SUV and called Casey.
For once, I was ringing her at a decent hour. She answered immediately.
“You’re finally ready to pull the trigger on the nanny?” Like me, she was never in the mood for pleasantries.
“Yes.” I rested my elbow on the door and pinched the bridge of my nose. Why did it hurt to say that?
“Which one?”
“Sophia, the one with the child development degree.”
“You mean Sarah.” She deadpanned. Casey was used to my inability to remember people’s names. “I’ll give her a call and see how soon she can get started. From what I remember, she was available to start this week. So maybe she can start Monday.”
“Thank you. That should work.”
“Isla will be happy to be back in the office. We’ve been chatting every day. She’s ready to get to work.”
“What did she say?” I sat up. Was it that unbearable to live with me? “Did she specifically say she wanted to leave?”
“She said she was ready to get to work. Declan, she didn’t sign up to be your nanny. You can’t keep her tucked away in your ivory tower forever.”
“Forever is a bit dramatic, don’t you think? What is that even supposed to mean?” I furrowed my brows. Yeah, Casey was my chief of staff because she got things done and didn’t take crap from me. That didn’t mean I liked it when she called me on my bullshit.
“When I suggested you call Isla, I meant for her to stay as your nanny for only a couple of nights. It’s been weeks. I know you, Declan. It’s commendable that you’ve managed to keep it in your pants this long. But it’s time you move on before your good intentions go out the window.”
How did she even know I hadn’t slept with Isla? “If you think this is about her, you’re wrong. I just wasn’t ready to leave Joey with a stranger. I’m not in the habit of sleeping with every woman I meet. Despite what the tabloids say, I do have standards and self-control.”
“Of course. My bad.” She let out a breath which sounded a bit like a chuckle. “I’ll have Sarah report to your flat first thing Monday morning.”
“Lovely.” I hung up and tossed the phone on the seat.
For the rest of the ride home, I considered heading out to the Hamptons for the weekend while Isla collected her things and moved out.
Spending some one-on-one time with Joey would be good for the two of us.
A cold sensation rushed down my spine. I pushed the thought away because I still couldn’t wrap my head around being a single dad.
But Casey was right. I couldn’t bring Isla down with me by making her my anchor in all this. She deserved better. Come next week, she’d be out of my flat. And in a few months, I would be back in London and out of her life. This attraction I felt for her meant nothing.
A couple of blocks from my building, a pair of long legs caught my attention.
More than anything else because I recognized who they belonged to.
Isla turned off the sidewalk and into a small park crowded with other strollers and dogs.
She found a bench and scooped up Joey into her arms. An odd fantasy unfurled in my mind’s eye.
A scene I had never considered before—a family.
I wasn’t the family type at all. I worked long hours, and most of them weren’t even near London.
Hell at this point, Manhattan felt like home as much as London did.
And two months ago, Tokyo was beginning to feel familiar, too.
The point was, I was a drifter, not someone who could wish for something as wholesome as a family.
And how fucked up was it that I wanted Isla in that picture?
The poor girl didn’t even know. All she had done was flash me her ass when she was drunk. This was a new level of creepy.
I grabbed my phone and texted my assistant to ask her to schedule an appointment with Nicolas’s doctor. I needed to know for certain if Joey was my son. No more dragging my feet. That had to end right now. She replied immediately with a “Consider it done.”
There. That was progress—I had Perry double-timing it to find Harper and a paternity test scheduled.
Now all I had to do was tell Isla I had to fire her again.
Well, sort of. I had to let her go and face my fears alone.
Despite the dread that settled in the pit of my stomach, I smiled at Isla and my son.
I could get out of the car now and join them, but what would be the point of that?
We weren’t exactly a family. We were strangers.
“Should I pull over?” Tommy asked.
“No, that’s fine.” I rubbed a hand over my cheek and sat back, letting the car window frame the garden with a happy Isla holding my baby.
As usual, it seemed, I was the outsider looking in. Isla had managed to waltz in and be comfortable with the huge responsibility I dumped on her. She took it all in stride and made the best of it.
Yearning mixed with want bubbled inside my chest as I watched her bounce Joey gently, then kiss his head.
When she bent over to set him down, my cock twitched.
That was the other side of this coin. This desire I felt for her was getting the best of me.
No matter how hard I tried to stay away from her, it was always there.
Isla lived rent free in my head—her voice and her smell.
“I know it’s last minute, but would you be able to drive us to the Hamptons this evening?”
“Not tonight. But first thing tomorrow, I’m free. I’m free all weekend if that’s what you need.”
“That’s exactly what I need.” I met his gaze in the rearview mirror and nodded once.
Yeah, a few days out of the house sounded like a good idea. Until Isla and her skimpy pajama sets moved out, it wasn’t safe to go home.