Chapter 46
“What happened, Athol?”
“Forgive me, Princess. I shouldn’t have told you anything.”
“You should have. I needed to know. It’s the only way I have to reach him. He’ll never be able to open up, and now I know why. I can’t even imagine all the horror he went through.” I start crying again. “I’m not usually emotional, but I love him. I can feel his suffering as if it were my own.”
“I understand.”
“And his father . . . what he did is unforgivable. Negligent. As if it weren’t enough to fail by not believing his son, traumatizing an already abused child by committing such an act right in front of him . . .”
“I think he did it out of remorse. He was consumed by guilt, and in his mind perhaps killing the woman who’d abused his son and then himself was a form of atonement.”
“To me, it was a final act of selfishness. If he had thought of Rodrick, he would never have done something like that in front of him. There’s no excuse for his behavior.
” Then I remember something. “Athol, why does Rodrick hate Gilroy so much? Did he perhaps . . . ?” I can’t finish the sentence.
The terror of the mere possibility makes me dizzy again.
“No. The hatred comes from the fact that Gilroy knew Rodrick was telling the truth and lied in front of the duke, defending his mother.”
“He knew?”
“Yes. That’s why Rodrick expelled him from his lands after he became duke.
There’s a lot of resentment between the two of them.
Only recently did I learn that Gilroy himself was also a victim of that woman.
I’m not defending him, but his life wasn’t easy.
He became a drug user and is now trying to get back on his feet. ”
“She abused her son?”
“Yes. According to what he told me, from the very beginning. Have you ever heard the story of the elephant that’s tied to a stake when it’s small?
It grows, becomes strong, but inside it still believes it’s a calf.
That woman was toxic, abusive, and cruel.
She nearly destroyed the lives of two little boys. ”
“Even so, that doesn’t excuse his lying. If he had supported his foster brother, the outcome might have been different.”
“We’ll never know, lass. We’ll never know.”
“I understand why Rodrick hates him.”
“So do I, but life isn’t black and white. Emotions like fear and guilt can create chaos inside a child. Shape their character.”
“You feel sorry for Gilroy.”
“Yes, I do.”
“I can’t be that generous. Where is Rodrick?”
“On his way here. It took me a while to find him because his phone was out of range, but he should be arriving soon.”
I drift between waking and dozing but keep my eyes closed.
The recent discoveries were more than my exhausted mind could handle. I needed a pause, a complete shutdown. The physical and mental exhaustion is so intense that I even wonder if they’ve given me something to make me sleep.
When I wake to daylight flooding the hospital room, Rodrick is sitting in an armchair in the corner.
His dark, heavy gaze doesn’t leave me.
“Hi.”
He comes closer. Without a word, he pulls me into his arms and holds me tight.
The pain and anguish of the recent revelations ease a little.
Once again, I cry. It seems to have become a habit, more tears in the last twenty-four hours than in years of my life.
It’s the first time I’ve done so in front of him, though, and I feel a little awkward.
“I’m sorry you found out this way.” Despite the words, he seems to feel nothing. His voice is flat, detached, as if he is a spectator and none of it concerns him.
I lift my face to look at him. “There’s nothing I can say that will erase what happened, but I want you to know that I love you with my whole soul and that I hate those two. Your father included.”
He looks surprised. “My father?”
“It was his negligence that led to this tragedy.”
“No. I was the cause.”
“That’s impossible, my husband. You couldn’t have foreseen such an insane act. You were only trying to protect yourself, since your father chose to pretend nothing was happening.”
“He didn’t know.”
I stay silent because I have my doubts. How can a parent not notice the signs? In Rodrick’s case, he tried to get help. He told the truth and was ignored.
“Now that everything has been clarified,” he says as if we’re discussing the week’s dinner menu, not something that shaped who he is today, “we can forget the past.”
“Nothing has been clarified. If you were truly coping with this, you’d be living your life normally.”
“And isn’t that what I’m doing? I became a successful businessman independently of my family’s fortune. I honored my father.”
“He doesn’t deserve to be honored,” I say, unblinking. “Negligent. As guilty as that wretch.”
Again, he seems startled by my hatred.
“You once told me you thought you were responsible for your father’s death, but the only one to blame is him.”
“This conversation makes no sense anymore, Jazmina. It’s over.”
“Is it really? If you’ve overcome everything like you say, why don’t you want children? You’ll never convince me that this refusal to have heirs isn’t connected to what you went through in childhood.”
His jaw tightens. “Yes, you’re right. It is connected. I will never allow my child to be vulnerable. If something happened to us, they would be raised by strangers.”
“Not strangers. I have relatives and a best friend who would take care of our child.”
“This isn’t a subject I’m willing to negotiate on, Jazmina. I’m crazy about you, and even if I think I don’t have the right to want this, I want to spend the rest of my days by your side.”
“As long as it’s on your terms,” I conclude.
He doesn’t even blink. “You’re not obligated to stay with me forever. I’ll understand if the day comes when you want to have children of your own, not just nieces and nephews.”
I pull away from his arms. “You say you’re crazy about me and you’re giving me a free pass to have children with another man?” I ask, feeling as if I’ve been punched. “Get out!”
“Jazmina—”
“Get out, Rodrick. It’s too much for me to process all at once.”
He walks to the door and stands there with his back to me for a moment, as if hesitating before leaving.
Then he turns to look at me again.
“I love you,” he says. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I cry harder because I know he’s telling the truth, but I can’t fight alone for our future.
It’s not only about Rodrick refusing to have a baby with me. Many couples are happy without children. It’s about him giving a definitive no, as if my opinion doesn’t matter and I’m meant to simply submit to his will.
Once, he told me I would never have to bow my head to him and that our relationship was a partnership of equals. For that to be real, however, my wishes have to carry the same weight as his.
I’ll accept negotiation, but never an ultimatum.
“Are you hospitalized?” Adeela almost shouts on the other end of the line.
“I fainted. It wasn’t serious. Now tell me, do you think it’s safe for me to come to Rheadur for a few days?”
“Are you planning to leave him?” she asks bluntly because she knows me so well she can read even the changes in my voice.
“No. I’m in love with him, and even though my head is confused right now, I won’t give up on my marriage. But I need a little distance. We both do. I want to see Dad. Stay there for a few days.”
“And then?”
“I’ll come back home, of course. My place is by his side. We’re going through a crisis, but this isn’t goodbye. I love him too much to give up so easily.”
London
Days later
We’ve just returned from a dinner—one of his work commitments—and I, like a proper wife, princess, duchess—so many roles that I fear one day I won’t even know who the real Jazmina is—put on my mask of composure.
Despite our fight at the hospital, since I came home two days ago, the sex has remained the same—perhaps even better.
It’s as if, faced with our minds’ inability to find a solution for the future, our bodies are searching for the answers.
We look at each other in the apartment entryway. This morning I told him I’m traveling to Rheadur. He didn’t ask me to reconsider, but I could see the unspoken questions—the doubt about whether the separation will be final.
He takes a step closer, and my heart races. I think it will always be this way. No matter how long we’re together, I’ll always react to him the same: anxious and in love.
Without warning, he scoops me up and carries me in his arms.
There’s a wild ferocity in his gaze, and tonight, I want everything from him, without disguise or restraint.