Chapter 34 #2
His lips twist into something that might be a smile but never touches his eyes.
"I wanted you to come over," he says, voice dropping to a growl.
"But I've dreaded you coming over, too." He slams his fist against the doorframe, making the hinges rattle.
"I knew you would come over, though, after my stupid text.
" His knuckles whiten as he clenches his fist so hard it trembles.
"I wanted to rip that phone apart the second I sent it. "
“I know,” I say. “Tell me what’s going on.”
He shakes his head, his jaw clenched so tight a muscle jumps beneath his skin.
"Lilith, this is tearing me apart." His voice breaks.
"You're this—Christ—this radiant fucking miracle.
Pure sunshine burning through everything.
And I'm what? A black hole. A goddamn supernova of rage that's been collapsing in on itself for twenty-two years. "
His fist pounds against his chest. "I can already see it happening—you trying to save me, letting my poison seep into your veins because that's who you are.
You'd set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
" He grabs my shoulders, fingers digging in.
"I can’t watch you dim yourself for me." His breath comes ragged now.
"Because I love you." The words rip from him like a confession. "There. I said it. I fucking love you. I’m fucking in love with you.” He runs his hands through his dark hair and starts pacing the floor.
“I’m drowning in you. I wake up choking on how much I need you.
And that's exactly why—" his voice cracks open, "—why I have to walk away before I destroy the only thing that's ever mattered. "
My heart doesn't just leap—it explodes into a thousand sparks when he confesses he loves me. Because I don't just love him too—I crave him, need him, worship him with a desperation that terrifies me. God, I would tear open my chest and offer him my still-beating heart if he asked for it.
The words burst from me like they've been trapped for years.
"Oh, Roman, I love you too!" My voice breaks, my whole body trembling.
"I can't believe you feel the same way. I thought...
" The confession dies on my lips. How could I tell him I'd been terrified this was just another conquest for him?
That every night I'd lain awake wondering if I was just a warm body while my heart was being ripped apart by wanting him so completely?
My eyes burn with tears as I grab his shirt.
"I've been drowning, Roman. Drowning in you.
And now—" My voice catches. "Now I'm not alone anymore. "
He shakes his head violently. "No. Don't you fucking see?
Because I love you so goddamn much it's tearing me apart inside, I have to let you go.
It's survival for you, Lilith." His voice breaks.
"You'll drown in my darkness. You'll suffocate under the weight of my demons.
I can't—" He slams his fist against the wall.
"I can't destroy the only pure thing in my life.
Your light. Your heart." His eyes burn into mine.
"If I didn't love you, I'd take you right here against this wall until neither of us could stand.
Because Christ, Lilith, looking at you right now is like dying of thirst in front of an ocean I can't drink.
But I won't be that selfish monster. Not with you. "
I grab his face between my hands, forcing him to look at me.
"Roman, stop. Just stop." My voice cracks.
I grab his wrist, my nails digging into his skin.
"Yes, you're damaged. God, we both know that.
" My voice drops to a whisper, eyes blazing into his.
"But you're like lightning striking sand—violent, scorching everything it touches, yet creating something so exquisite it takes my breath away every time I look at you.
" My fingers dig into his skin as tears burn in my eyes.
"Your father abandoned you, your mother died, and you've been carrying that rage like it's the only thing keeping you alive.
But he's back now, don't you see?" I'm almost shouting, desperate for him to understand.
"He's back, and you're talking to him, and it's only a matter of time before—"
His eyes flash like a predator's. "Don't. Finish. That. Fucking. Sentence. Lilith," he snarls, each word a bullet. "There is no 'matter of time' before I reconnect with that bastard. I saw him today for one reason—I refuse to watch him crash and burn."
When he catches my hopeful expression, something raw twists across his face.
He slams his palm forward. "You don't get it.
I need him successful because my brothers are my goddamn heartbeat.
If he fails, he'll crawl back into a bottle because he's pathetic.
Then he'll drag himself to Uncle Thomas, bleeding shame, and destroy every one of my brothers' souls.
And what's left of mine will be obliterated.
" His voice drops to a dangerous whisper.
"So yes, I need him sober. Clean. Functional.
But for them—never him. For Cam, Silas, Asher, Kalen, Connor, Ansel and Max.
Especially Max." His fist clenches white-knuckled.
"That kid would shatter into dust. He's carried the blame like a fucking cross his entire life. "
I nod. “Can I read some cards about this situation?”
He jerks his head violently, veins bulging at his temples.
"No. Fuck the cards, Lilith. This isn't about tarot—it's about you accepting that my father destroyed something in me that can never be fixed.
Never." His jaw clenches so tight that I can hear his teeth grinding.
"You deserve the goddamn world, Lilith. Every.
Fucking. Thing. A man who falls to his knees for you.
Who trusts you completely." His voice breaks.
"And the second part’s not me. I don't lie—I can't trust you because I can't trust anyone.
" He slams his fist against the wall, leaving a dent. "But as for the first part…” He shakes his head. “Christ, I worship you. Take a bullet for you. Burn alive for you. I’d let the flames consume me until there’s nothing left but ash. "
My throat constricts like someone's tightening a noose around it, but I force the words out anyway, my voice raw.
"Roman." I grab his arm, my nails digging into his skin.
"I will not let you throw everything away.
Not like this." My voice breaks, tears streaming down my face.
"There's a light inside you—something good and pure that burns brighter than all this darkness.
I've seen it. I've felt it." I press my palm against his chest, feeling his heartbeat hammer beneath my fingers.
"It will win, Roman. I swear to God, it will win. "