Miscommunicated
I had not realized just how much I needed to breathe fresh air that was not sullied by a mixture of stale air, pills from the doctor, and a large dose of my sadness. For what first like the first time in forever, the sight of food did not make my stomach churn, or at least it did in the right way.
The scent of freshly made orange juice and blueberry danishes set out on the picnic table only made my mouth water and my empty stomach growl. I turned to my best friend the closest thing I had to a sister with a smile. "You planned this?"
Of course, she did. I had to be the luckiest human on the planet to have everyone I had in my life now.
She rounded the table, taking her seat with a knowing smile. "I was hopeful that today would be a good day."
I tilted my head, a fresh wave of guilt pulling at my chest. I had been so drowned in my sadness that I had completely neglected everyone, myself included. "I'm so sorry for shutting you out too, Bess."
She shook her head tersely, "Nope, we are done with all the apologies and emotional talk. Right now, out here, I want to have lunch with my second favorite person in the universe like we used to."
I placed a hand on my chest, feigning hurt, "I thought I was your only favorite person in the universe, now I'm second? Harsh."
She chuckled, "sorry, a certain someone named Alexander came into my life,"
I could hardly remember the last time C and I got together like this to talk like we always used to. I knew I had missed weeks of her life, "so tell me, any new deets on you and Alexander."
Her cheeks reddened in a way only talking about Alexander would make them do and she looked away, picking up one piece of the pastries laid out on the table, "only a lot, but I'm only telling you when you show me those pictures from you and Lucas' getaway."
I chuckled, for the second time today and actually in weeks. It was a little rusty, but it came sincerely and for once I could forget my grief, "deal."
Lucas and Alexander found us in the garden sometime later. Alexander had called C, asking where we were because Lucas was already worried after he didn't find me in our room. I winced at the thought of how worrying that must have been for Lucas given all that had happened recently.
Way to go, Christine, keep scaring him and making him more worried. He clearly does not have enough of your bullshit on his plate.
As they approached us, a mixture of sudden surprise and relief and confusion played on Lucas's face and I knew he was wondering just what C had done to get me outside. The question though remained unvoiced.
He offered a simple smile, and I hoped the smile I returned was convincing enough. C got to her feet, embracing Alexander. Lucas held on to my gaze longer and I could not blame him, after two weeks of small glances, careful words, and touches, even I did not want to stop looking at him.
"I'm glad to see you outside again, Chris," Alexander said, breaking us apart from our long stare. "It's nice to see you all better."
"It's all thanks to her," I nodded towards C, who could not stop grinning now. "She has magic in her words."
He tilted his head lower, placing a kiss on her forehead as he pulled her closer. "She does,"
I loved that look of adoration in his eyes as he looked at her.
It was good to see that at least one of us was not screwing up her relationship.
For the first time, I not only approved of someone C was seeing, but I also had a good feeling her heart was safe in his hands.
"I'm sorry you both had to stay this long here in Italy.
I know it wasn't exactly how long you planned to stay. "
"It wasn't," Alexander did not bother sugarcoating his words, "but it's lovely out here and a much-needed break from what San Diego is, so there's no regret,"
"Besides," C stepped closer, taking my hand, "you know I am happy to be right here where you are too, Bess."
"I know," I smiled, "and thank you for today."
"Are you kidding me, you don't have to thank me, just please never shut me out again or hesitate to talk to me. That really hurt."
We enjoyed brunch together, a welcome substitute for that lunch C and I had planned together for the men months ago.
While that was meant to get Alexander and Lucas to know each other better, they were already better acquainted at this point and that made this brunch even better.
Some time into our meal though, I realized Lucas was on edge.
It was completely out of the blue and I worried about what could be on his mind.
I had something on my mind too and it had everything to do with those bandages on his knuckles concealing bruises I knew were there.
I would wait for the perfect time though before bringing it up.
Eventually, C and Alexander had to leave after we ate.
Their excuse was terrible, and I knew for a fact they were only leaving to give Lucas and me a chance to be alone.
I was grateful for it because it was also terribly needed.
I had missed Lucas so much, and I had to at least try to talk to him to know if he would ever forgive me.
To know if we would ever go back to normal.
To my shock and horror though, just as C and Alexander disappeared from sight, he pushed his chair backward, getting to his feet after drowning the contents of his glass in a smooth swig.
My stomach churned, nearly forcing me to out the food I had just had as he turned his back to me, leaving without so much as a glance in my direction.
Yes, that's right. He really hates you now.
"You're leaving," I blurted out, surprised at my words as they were meant to be said in my inner voice. I hated the accusation in my voice, but could not help it, regardless.
Lucas stopped in his tracks, and I could hear the sharp intake of breath, his strong muscled back rising and falling before he turned to me. "I need something stronger than orange juice," he said simply, shoving his hand in his pocket.
I raised my eyes, risking a look at him.
That handsome face that made angels weep and gods go to war was now marred with tired forehead lines, dark under eyes circles, a rugged scruff of beard, and most of all deep sadness.
Not anger or hate, just sadness caused by me.
"Is it not too early to drink?" I whispered.
I had never known Lucas to be an early drinker.
Shoving his hands in his pocket, he looked away but didn't leave.
His jaw flexed, and I knew he had something to say but was holding it back.
But that was not what I needed right now.
I needed to talk to him and I needed him to talk to me, too.
It didn't matter how angry he was at me, I could not keep this distance between us any longer.
Willing my legs to support me, I got to my feet and strode over to him in careful steps.
He flinched slightly when my palm rested on his arm, making me rethink that action.
God, how angry was he with me. It didn't matter though, I was not letting the day end without fixing us.
Swallowing back my hurt, I snatched my hand back, resting it in the other. "I really need to speak to you Lucas."
This time his jaw worked harder, "you don't have to say it. I get it."
I leaned back, giving him a genuinely shocked look, "you do?"
He finally looked at me and I could swear he was almost going to cry, "I get it, Chris.
You have gone through so much and I hate that I could not protect you, I hate that I could not keep you and our baby safe from Sarah.
But I'm really trying here, I'm trying to earn back your trust and build our family again.
I can take it that you blame me for everything, but I can't believe that you would really let Sarah succeed with tearing us apart. "
My face dropped in confusion, "Letting Sarah tear us apart, what are you talking about?"
He looked down to my finger, pain flickering in his icy blue gaze, "you don't have your ring on."
My eyes snapped down to my bare fingers.
Celine had distracted me so much with picking out a bright outfit for our picnic today and I had forgotten to get it back from the bathroom where usually I kept it when I took a shower.
Through our meal I had rubbed desperately at the finger where it was supposed to be, waiting to go back to our room and get it.
I almost left halfway through brunch but knew Celine would think I was running away again, so I decided to wait until later.
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with any of this? "
He chuckled drily and this time there were definitely tears in his eyes as he shoved his hand in his pocket. Realization flooded me as the outline of the large diamond came into view. I whispered the words I wished were not true, "you thought I was leaving?"
"What else was I supposed to think. You've barely spoken to me in weeks, you won't even look at me, my mind was going crazy with you shutting me out..."
"That was not intentional," I choked out, but I was sure he would not hear the words through my croaked voice soaked with unshed tears.
"You were angry at me and rightly so..."
"You thought I was angry?" my gaze snapped up to him and a humorless laugh escaped my chest, followed by tears welling in my eyes. "That's funny because I thought you were angry. I mean if anyone has a right to be angry that would be you,"
His face twisted in a mixture of confusion and surprise. He closed the distance between us, cupping my cheeks and making me look him in the eye, "why would I be angry with you Muffin?"
The floodgates I had struggled to keep closed all afternoon broke loose with his hands on me and the tears streamed down in heavy streaks, "I don't know, because it's my fault our baby is dead, because the man that attacked me was from a past I thought I was done with, because our baby would have been alive and well if I hadn't been a careless bitch, because we would have been safe and back home in San Diego if I wasn't so stupid, because I didn't listen to you and stay home the day I had the accident. The list is quite long."
I met Lucas's eyes through my wet lashes and was surprised to see him frowning.
He wiped my cheeks with the pad of both his thumbs them pressed a chaste kiss on my lips before speaking again.
"First off, no one is allowed to use that term on you, not even yourself.
Secondly, you are not stupid Chris, you are stubborn yes, but not stupid.
And no, our baby dying was absolutely no fault of yours.
Sarah saw baron as a weak link and as usual, she used him because she wanted to get to me. I'm the one at fault here, not you."
He paused for a second to inhale a long breath, then continued. "I just hate that you never told me how you feel. You know you can always tell me anything Muffin."
"I was grieving, I still am," the admittance lifted a heavyweight off my shoulders, "It's hard to go from being 2 months pregnant to suddenly not being pregnant and completely unable to ever give birth again. I was hurt and mad at myself for letting that happen."
"Again not your fault," he reminded me, but that was easier to say and hear than believe. Even without words, Lucas saw through me as I chewed on my bottom lip, keeping my eyes on the ground.
He held my chin up, bringing my face barely an inch away from him, "remember what I told you last night?"
"That you love me," it sounded more like a question than a statement.
"Are you asking?" Lucas asked, one brow cocked.
His question made me realize how much I had pushed him away, so much so that he thought I had to question his love for me.
But hadn't I done the exact thing up until a few hours ago?
Shame made me fall silent and thankfully, Lucas continued speaking, "That's okay.
You have been through enough recently and I have not done enough to remind you of the fact,"
He kissed me again, much deeper than the first, and I melted into him, tasting the salt of my tears in our kiss but even better realizing how much I had missed his hands and mouth on me.
"I'm so sorry Lucas," I sobbed when we broke apart, "for shutting you out, for shutting everyone out, I'm sorry.
I was so lost in my own pain that I did not realize I was hurting everyone else, that I was hurting you. "
His fingers trailed my cheeks slowly until they reached my chin, "I'm just glad that you're out here with me, actually talking to me. It was worth the pain, and I know this does not mean you are suddenly over it, but you should know I'm right here Muffin. Always and forever."
His words made my heart gurgle with emotions and I fought back the fresh wave of tears ready to spill.
I stood on my heels, pulling him in for a fiercer kiss.
Lucas hesitated for only a moment before slipping his tongue into my mouth, deepening the kiss and claiming my mouth.
Our breaths came out in pants when we broke free and I found myself wondering how I had managed to live without so much as a kiss from Lucas in weeks.
But right now, standing here, knowing all my doubts were not only unreasonable but miles away from what was the truth, I wanted Lucas to do more than just claim my mouth.
I wanted to feel him, I needed him to touch me and make me his in a way that only he knew how to.
"Make love to me," I whispered, surprising both Lucas and myself by my plea.
It was not a request I had to make twice, but with all that had happened, I understood his trepidation.
I inched closer, the only barrier between us now our clothing, and placed one hand on his chest. I loved the way his heart beat against my palm.
That increasing yet gentle thud told me he wanted the same thing.
"Chris..." he murmured, but I stopped him with another kiss on his lips.
"I need you, Lucas,"
There was no further question this time, I could see whatever fear and question he had in his eyes shatter now, replaced with that familiar hunger as he picked me up, leading me in the direction of the mansion.
I shook my head, knowing there was no way I could wait to take the seemingly long trip back to the bedroom. "Here," I whispered.
"In the garden?" Amusement flickered behind the hunger in his eyes.
I nodded, biting my lip shyly.
In the end, our desire won out before any rational reasoning.
The garden was not exactly an open space and the trees and greenery surrounding us would provide a suitable cover for us.
Yet, if someone decided to take a walk into the garden, maybe the kids decided to play hide and seek today. ..well that would be quite a horror.
The thought vanished from my brain as Lucas set me down on the cool grass. His lips captured mine, kissing me hard like he was trying to make up for all the days he had gone without claiming me. And Oh God he did.
I gasped when he freed his cock from the confines of his briefs, rigid and hot with the tip already leaking with white-hot desire for me.
I could not be thankful enough for my choice of clothes this warm afternoon.
The thin layer of fabric did nothing to hide my dripping pussy, weeping for his attention, and I arched my back, offering my swollen cleft to him.
There was no rush, not on Lucas's or my part.
Every action carried out with slow precision, not to get off, not fueled by lust or desire, it was Lucas's wordless promise to me that everything was going to be okay, that he loved me that he was mine just as I belonged to him and that nothing would ever change that.
A soft gasp escaped my lips when our bodies joined together, my arms swung around his neck and his cradling my back. We clung to each other, his lips locked with mine as we rode toward the edge.
In that moment there was no need for any words, no apologies, no promises.
Whatever had been left unsaid between Lucas and I melted in a delicious yet overwhelming understanding of our emotions as our bodies moved in sync until we exploded.
We held on to each other as the vibration racked through us, making all the events of the last few weeks no more than a memory.
Neither of us let go after we came, heavy breaths, slick skin on skin, and holding to each other in a grip tight enough to leave a bruise.
I dropped my head on Lucas's chest, the rhythmic beating of his heart yet another proof that this moment was real and not just a figment of my imagination.
In the peace of his arms, I drifted asleep in no time, this time with full certainty that whatever demons waiting to crawl into my sleep-dazed mind were already warded off by this beautiful man.