40. SWOT
Alexander
When I leave Sam’s apartment, guilt gnaws at me, but something else is taking shape inside me. A cold, relentless determination.
I have to change.
Not tomorrow. Not later. Now.
No matter how much time it takes. No matter how much energy it demands.
I will become the man I should have been from the start: the one who doesn’t hurt the person he loves, who doesn’t push the other into the background, who speaks when things begin to crack instead of barricading himself behind silence.
But where do you begin? How do you become the man she deserves?
Self-analysis has never been my strength. I see that now with almost brutal clarity. I’ve spent my life dissecting markets, anticipating trends, modeling human behavior to extract value from it. I built a company on observing desire and aspiration.
But turning that lens on myself—really turning it—without numbers, without charts, without the reassuring armor of professional success… I’m at a loss.
How does someone become better?
Standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling window in my office, I face my reflection. Not the one others see. Not the confident, high-performing, controlled man. But the one who failed. The one who hurt the woman he loves.
When did I stop being enough?
I think about all the actions that shame me now: my misplaced priorities, my snap judgments, my unfair accusations.
Is this really who I am, or just a lapse I could bury and forget?
No.
This part of me didn’t appear by accident. It had been there for a long time, hidden beneath the surface, waiting for the right combination of exhaustion, stress, fear, and insecurity to emerge.
A primitive response.
Defensive.
Brutal.
*
The next day, during my lunch break, I lock myself in my office with a blank sheet of paper and a pen.
I decide to run a SWOT analysis on myself.
It’s a strategic tool, designed to analyze a company. I’ve never seen it applied to a person.
But I don’t see why it wouldn’t work.
STRENGTHS
Loyal to my friends and family.
Attentive, as long as I remain in control.
Kind, as long as the pressure stays manageable.
Present, as long as it doesn’t conflict with my schedule.
WEAKNESSES
A workaholic, to the point of losing sight of what matters.
I measure my worth by my professional performance: when MatchMapping thrives, I feel invincible. When work falters, I feel diminished.
I never processed Kristel’s betrayal. I view my relationship with Sam through the lens of that infidelity. I punish Sam for Kristel’s mistakes.
The jealousy and anger simmering inside me make me cruel.
I’m incapable of healthy communication: instead of saying “I need you,” I decide she’s pulling away, and I attack. Rather than showing vulnerability, I turn it into reproach.
And then there’s the rest: my need for control, my inability to let go, this obsession with mastering everything, including other people’s emotions.
OPPORTUNITIES
Learn to communicate instead of assuming.
Be vulnerable without feeling weak.
Trust until proven otherwise.
Be a present partner, not a man who apologizes for being absent.
Earn the only validation that truly matters: the woman I love.
Be worthy of Sam’s love.
RISKS
Losing myself.
Taking the other person’s love for granted.
Confusing protection with control.
Becoming toxic.
Being incapable of building a healthy relationship.
That’s it.
It’s not perfect. It’s not elegant.
But it’s a start.
I open my browser and type: therapists in Paris.
My finger hesitates. A voice whispers that I can handle this on my own. That asking for help would be an admission of weakness.
But am I willing to take that risk, with our future at stake?
No.
I click on the first link. Then on book an appointment.
I don’t know if Sam will ever forgive me. I don’t even know if I deserve it.
But I know one thing: this time, I won’t run.