Hearts But No Flowers
Dear Vishous,
I am a twenty-seven-year-old woman and in a relationship with a nice guy. He and I have been together for three and a half years, and we’re talking about moving into an apartment later in the spring. On the whole, I’m happy, and so is he. We have one problem that keeps cropping up, however.
Valentine’s Day is an issue. Well, at least it is for me.
It’s not that I want him to shower me with chocolates and jewelry and perfume and roses.
I just think it would be nice to get a card or maybe be invited out for a dinner date or…
you know, do something or have something that tells me he’s thinking about romance still on that particular day.
I guess part of the problem is my work environment.
I feel like Pam in that episode of The Office when Phyllis was getting all the presents from Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
I work for a data processing firm and there are a lot of us in this open-office area.
Every time there’s a delivery for someone, I look up, even though I know it’s not for me.
And every time it isn’t for me, I’m disappointed that this man who I love and I might even marry, won’t even send me a card or a single flower.
When lunch comes? It’s a nightmare. I have to sit in the break room and listen to everybody else talk about what their partners are doing for them.
I’ve told my boyfriend—in a non-confrontational way—how much I would enjoy a small gesture from him, but he dismisses anything Valentine’s Day-ish because it’s so “commercial.”
Can you give me any advice on how to handle this?
I don’t know what to do, and I hate the feeling I have as soon as the first of February comes up.
It’s like this dread creeps up on me and then the actual day hits and I’m miserable.
The feelings linger for a while afterward, too.
It just makes February a nightmare and this is going on the fourth year I’ve had to face this.
Sincerely,
Hopeless in Romancelandia
Mary: Hopeless, I want to start off by saying I’m sorry you feel this way. Valentine’s Day is a tradition that can be enjoyable, but clearly, for you, it is a gauntlet, and that is no fun. *glances at V, who is lighting up* V?
Vishous: *exhales* I’m not saying a goddamn thing.
Mary: *blinks* Um, you realize this is your column.
V: I got criticized last month for being too harsh—
Mary: To be fair, you were a little off the chain.
V: —so I’m keeping my mouth shut.
Mary: …
V: *shrugs* Okay, fine. The boyfriend’s an SOB.
Hopeless is perfect in every way. She should break up with him because Prince Charming is just around her corner and unlike the rube she’s with now, the next guy is going to send her twelve dozen red roses in front of all her fellow workers, and she’s going to win first prize finally in the Boyfriend Olympics. There. You happy now?
Mary: V, you’re a jerk.
V: I know. Moving on.
Mary: *refocusing* Hopeless, there is a part of me that agrees with your boyfriend, namely that Valentine’s Day is super commercial and nothing more than an excuse to spend money on gestures that may be, in some cases, quite hollow.
But the larger issue is your statement that you communicated your feelings to your boyfriend.
V’s point is right. Your relationship shouldn’t be about proving your love in front of others.
It should, however, be about you feeling heard and seen in the relationship—
V: Hold up, did you just say I’m right?
Mary: I did. With regard to that point.
V: I love being right.
Mary: I know. *rolls eyes* So, Hopeless, how about you share your thoughts one more time, and we’ll see how it goes?
It’s really important that your boyfriend consider how you feel about the day, even if it goes against his opinion.
*V leans in and opens his mouth* And, V, before you speak, maybe you dial back on the hostility a little and instead really try to be constructive.
V: *settles back and stares at the lit end of the hand-rolled* Well, okay…
I can give the safe-space shit a try. See, that statement bothered me, too.
About her going to the guy and being all, I’d like you to do something for me on a just-case.
I think anything a couple does to impress other people is bullshit—Instagram, I’m looking at you.
But what does it cost him to override his distaste for heart shit if it’s important to her?
Mary: *claps* Exactly!!! See, you can do this!
V: I mean, fuck him. Like he can’t drop $2 bucks on a dumb-ass card with some stupid poem in it—
Mary: *smacks forehead* Your delivery is so terrible.
V: Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at being a boyfriend, but you just want to show off, too. They’re meant for each other.
Mary: *mutters* Annnnnnnd there it is.
V: Look, Hopeless, just check your motivation, okay?
If you honestly only want him to send you something because it’ll make you feel good, give you a smile, and cheer your day up?
Then I’d sit him down, talk to him one more time, and if you believe he’s not budging or hearing you?
Then probably he’s doing the same thing in other parts of your relationship.
Maybe that’s more what the feeling of dread’s about.
Maybe it’s not the Valentine’s Day shit, it’s all the other times he’s not taking you into account.
Like vacations, money decisions, where to live, what to do.
Does he compromise when you two disagree?
Do you feel like there’s a lot of instances like that, where you go to him and make a request that’s not a screamer, but ultimately reasonable, and he just fucks you off?
If that’s the case, you gotta get out, true.
The relationship’s no good. On the other hand, if you’re really just getting jealous over what your coworkers are receiving?
And the rest of the relationship is going okay?
Then you gotta drop this shit. There’s no reason to beat the guy over the head because you want to compete with the other people at work.
The answer to your question lies inside of yourself— *double-takes at Mary* What?
Mary: OMG, yes, V. That’s what I think, too.
V: *holds out knuckles* Pound me.
Mary: *knuckle taps*and *breathes a sigh of relief* I’m going to end this here because, hey, it’s a great place. I agree with exactly what V said, andIwishyouluckletusknowwhathappenspeaceout—
V: Man, you’re talking fast.
Mary: Ending on a good note! Fade to black! Out, out, out!