Chapter 13
The smell of a loaded pizza met Josie when she opened her front door.
She could almost taste the sausage, kalamata olives topped by the marinara sauce and two kinds of cheese.
“Is this fancy enough for a tree decorating meal?” Malcolm asked, balancing the pizza box in one hand.
“Thin-crust veggie pizza, topped with sausage.”
He looked so handsome, standing there in his cut-off shorts and white T-shirt. For one blinding instant, Josie fought the impulse to hug him. But that would be silly.
“Works for me.” She nodded toward the island in the kitchen area. “Put it next to the paper plates.”
After setting the pizza box on the island, Malcolm turned. Rubbing his hands together as if he couldn't wait to get started, he glanced at the boxes and the bulky green bag that held the tree. “Where do we start?”
The pizza smelled way too tempting. “Let's eat before it gets cold.” She marched over to the drawer and found a spatula.
“Can you believe this weather?” Malcolm said.
“Sweater weather, and that's fine with me. Would you rather have a white Christmas?” Sometimes Josie thought she would love to have snow. What would that be like?
“White Christmas? Bah humbug,” Malcolm growled with disgust. “New York has snow right now. Traffic is backed up everywhere. Looks miserable on the news and my mother can't leave her apartment. Not for me.”
The weather had turned a bit warm for December in the Carolinas.
Josie had no complaints. Would she have liked a white Christmas?
Someday maybe. But the caroling party was a lot easier on Christmas Eve if it wasn't thirty-five degrees, especially for the little baby who would appear in the manger.
She wondered how the group was coming with that.
“Beer or soda pop in the refrigerator,” she said. “Root beer for me.” Flipping open the top of the box, she grabbed the spatula. The pieces came away easily, trailing fragrant strings of Parmesan cheese. She quickly popped two pieces on each paper plate.
Taking the stool across from her, Malcolm handed her a frosty mug of root beer and sat down with his own beer. They dug in. For about five minutes they ate, murmuring about sausage and kalamata olives. She made a mental note to order in pizzas for the whole staff at the library next week.
Sitting there with Malcolm felt incredibly easy. So comfortable that it made her feel miserable. They felt like a couple, but that could never be. Despite Emily’s encouragement, Josie had to be realistic about the situation. Acceptance was always the best route to overcome disappointment.
“When are your parents arriving?” he asked.
“Couple of days before Christmas. They'll probably come with a ridiculous number of packages, all beautifully wrapped.” She pictured them arranged under the tree that they still had to set up.
“Gifts for their only child,” Malcolm said with a smile.
“Hey, aren't you an only child?”
“Yes.” He shrugged. “Mom's flying in and I hope her flight doesn't get canceled. Your parents are driving, right?”
“Right. That way they can fill the entire trunk.” She gave him a pointed look. “What mother arrives empty-handed?”
“The one thing my mother’s bringing isn't very big.” Then he closed his mouth, a muscle flexing in one cheek. Jumping up, Malcolm began to clear the paper plates. What was this about?
“Sounds like you know what you’re getting for Christmas.” She wasn't letting this go. Was Darcy coming with his mother?
Folding the empty pizza box with two strong hands, he wouldn't meet her eyes. “It's nothing. Something small. I really don't need anything.”
Maybe it was something personal. Maybe she shouldn't be asking. Sliding off the stool, Josie walked over to the large green bag and unzipped it. Did anything look as pathetic as the separate limbs of an artificial tree? Taking out the color-coded assembly sheet, she put it on the coffee table.
“I've got this. My mother has a tree like this.” Malcolm took over. In no time at all, he had all of the limbs in the correct order. She began working on the boxes. Lifting off the covers, she arranged the ornaments on her coffee table. And with each ornament, Josie’s past washed over her.
The year Santa brought her a pair of roller skates had been so special.
Malcolm glanced over. “Is that all stuff you bought yourself or did it come from your folks?”
“Memories,” she said, taking out a felt ornament shaped like a roller skate. “I made this in preschool.” She held it up for him to see. Most of the glitter had fallen off over the years, but her name was still faintly visible. She looked up to find him smiling at her.
“What?” Suddenly this evening had become very personal.
“Nothing.” He scooped up a snowman made from Styrofoam. “I'm just thinking that you were probably a cute little girl with lots of curls.”
To her amazement, he reached out and fingered one of her curls. Josie felt that touch to her toes. Then Malcolm stood there studying his hand as if he wondered how that strand of hair had gotten there. “Gee, your hair is so soft.”
The words gently wrapped themselves around her heart. “I... I did have lots of curls.”
What were they talking about? Malcolm had turned and was frowning at the tree. Then he scrubbed his hands together. He was probably thinking that comment was a stupid mistake. Eager to get this evening behind her, Josie reached for a box of ornaments.
“I'd better put on the lights first,” he muttered.
“Right.” Digging down in one of the cardboard boxes, she found the strings of lights, all jumbled together.
Using his usual methodical process, Malcolm spread them all out on the floor and plugged in each string individually to make sure that no lights were burned out. “Oh great. They'll work,” he said with satisfaction. “When did you last use them?”
“I don't know.” Had she even had a tree last year?
Josie couldn't recall. And right now? Her mind was a blank.
This evening was such a mistake. Memories flooded back to her.
Her parents had always made a ritual of decorating the tree together.
That was one of her first Christmas memories.
She would decorate the lower branches, while her parents worked on the top.
Malcolm should be doing this with Darcy. Wasn't that the way it went? From this year forward, Josie knew that every time she looked at her decorated tree, she would think of this Christmas. This evening with Malcolm. They decorated in silence.
When they couldn't fit one more ornament on the tree, he plugged in the lights. The tree looked magical, and she drew back to get the full effect. Of course the fact that Malcolm was standing next to the tree added a certain something.
“Come on.” Motioning her over to the tree, Malcolm pulled his phone from a back pocket. “We need a selfie.”
And before she could protest, before she could say, “Oh no we don't,” the man had taken a picture. “I'll send this to you.” A couple more clicks and it was done. She felt sick to her stomach and blamed it on the pizza.
As she began to clean up the living room, she decided to ask the hard questions.
Malcolm had mentioned his mother but not one word about Darcy.
And she’d waited long enough. A decent amount of time, she thought, when all she wanted to do was grab him by the neck and wring the answer from him.
When would the torture really begin? When would the elegant Darcy Hightower arrive in Sweetwater Creek to assess the situation?
Would they be married here or in New York?
Probably New York. All kinds of questions surfaced in Josie's mind, like darts waiting to be thrown at her heart.
“You haven't mentioned your fiancée,” she said casually, closing up the empty boxes and stacking them to put in a back closet.
“Oh she's not coming.” Malcolm turned to her as if he were surprised. “Haven’t I told you?”
Josie stopped stacking. “Told me what?”
“We called it off.” He grabbed the first three boxes. “Where do you want these?”
“What do you mean you called it off?” Josie felt lightheaded and collapsed onto her blue couch so quickly that it creaked. “You mean she gave the ring back?”
“There never was a ring.” He was edging through the kitchen, where two hallways lead to the back. “Right? Left?”
“No ring? But you said you were engaged.”
Malcolm slowly walked back, set the boxes on the coffee table and plunked down next to her. He looked like her father when he’d decided to explain baseball to her years ago.
“It all happened so fast last summer when I came back.” Eyes distant, Malcolm seemed to be assessing last summer.
And she wanted to hear it, all of it. So she said nothing, which was always hard for her.
“I wasn't feeling great when I got back, Josie. I had some doctors to see, and there was Darcy, the girl I dated in high school. So sweet...at least, I thought so back then. So understanding. She knew me.”
Better than I know you? But Josie was not interrupting the flow.
“And she seemed solid, you know. A way into the future. I wanted to believe in the future back then. And she seemed to be so accepting.” He heaved a giant sigh.
“Accepting of what? Your Peace Corps experience?” She wanted to understand what he was saying.
Malcolm turned troubled eyes to her. And there was such a pain in those eyes that she leaned forward. What could she do to ease that pain? “I probably will never have children, Josie.”
“Oh, Malcolm.” Once upon a time he had mentioned that he wanted a big family. Malcolm was an only child and she’d always assumed that his childhood had been rather lonely. So what he was telling her now must have been devastating. “I'm so sorry.”
“Yeah. Some exotic tropical fever. Caused a lot of trouble and the doctors in New York had to figure it out. Most of it could be cured by medications, and I don't get night sweats anymore. But another result of that fever can't be cured.” He dropped his eyes.
“And Darcy didn't accept that?” What could be that bad? Josie wanted to wring the neck of a woman she’d never met.
Shifting his gaze to the Christmas tree, Malcolm slid down a bit more on the sofa.
“That was one thing of course. But it wasn't really the deciding factor. We weren't a couple. The more time passed, the more I realized we weren’t a good match.” Here he gave a gutsy chuckle as if he were laughing at himself.
“And Darcy knew it too. We have different values.”
I could have told you that. But she didn't. Hearing his news brought her such a relief. Maybe people have to learn the basic truths about themselves to be happy. And although she considered Malcolm to be very wise, he might still be learning some of those basic truths. Wasn’t life one long learning process?
“But there are lots of ways to have babies, aren't there?” She hadn't given this a lot of thought. “Like adoption. Stuff like that?”
Reaching over, he squeezed her hand. “Always looking on the sunny side, Josie. That's you.”
“Is that a bad thing?” She wanted to keep her hand in his forever. But he slowly drew it away.
Pivoting, he faced her. She couldn't remember when she'd had a heart-to-heart with anyone like this. Of course she’d had a lot of conversations with Malcolm over the time they worked together.
Non-fiction books would come in and they ended up talking about family relationships, the meaning of education, the greatest political figures in American history.
Really interesting stuff, at least to them.
But this was different. This was personal.
“So now what?”
Throwing back his head, he laughed. Malcolm had such a nice strong throat. But she was becoming distracted. “This is the manager in you, I guess,” he said. “You always need the next step. Well, I don't really have a next step. But I know I'm going to be very careful.”
“Well, I would hope so.” Her relief was edged with caution.
She didn't want to make too big a deal out of this, but she was so relieved.
Darcy didn't deserve this man. But all this didn't mean that the door was open for her.
She wasn't that foolish. Obviously Malcolm had been hurt by what had happened. Who wouldn't be?
Later Josie would think back to the confusion at the door and wonder how it had happened. She was hugging him goodbye. Just a hug, that was all. When he went to kiss her on the cheek, she moved. Not intentionally. No, of course not.
But his lips landed on hers. And they felt so good, so welcoming.
“Josie,” he whispered between kisses. Because yes, there was more than one kiss.
Later she decided that they both kind of lost it right there.
Embarrassing as it was, she knew this was the kiss she'd been waiting for all her life.
Of course she wanted more. Was one chocolate chip cookie ever enough for her? Not on your life.
Then they came to their senses. Drawing back, Malcolm looked shocked, as if he hadn't meant to do this. Josie’s heart folded.
Was it even still beating? While she stood there, one hand pressed to her chest, Malcolm stumbled backward.
“Guess I should go. Thanks. I mean, it was fun. Setting up your tree. And everything.”
“Sure. Good night.” She watched Malcolm stumble out to the jeep and slam the door behind him.
Turning, she fell against the door frame and brought her fingertips to her lips.
They were still tingling. He drove away and she went inside.
Wandering into the kitchen like a sleepwalker, she dug the pizza box from the trash.
Flipping it open, she was relieved to find one piece left.
Somehow she made it to the sofa. The tree looked so beautiful. Josie would never forget this evening. That kiss? She didn't know what the heck it meant. Did it have to mean anything? Maybe it had been an accident. Maybe it had been nothing.
Sometimes a girl has to settle for cold pizza.