20. Chapter Twenty #2
"What did you tell her?" My voice sounds rough, and it has nothing to do with how punches landed.
"Haven't answered yet." Quinn finishes the wrap, then secures it. "What should I tell her?"
"That I'm fine."
Quinn shifts on the bench and looks me in the eye. She's known me for four years. She's seen me skate with the Cup after the championship and limp in bloody from bad fights.
"Are you?"
"No."
Quinn's quiet for a moment. Her hands still lightly rest on my wrapped knuckles.
"Kevin...whatever's going on...she cares about you. You know that, right?"
I know. But caring isn't loving, and I need her to love me.
I need her to let me love her.
"Yeah."
The door opens. The team's coming in.
The game must be over.
The locker room's quiet. Not celebrating. Not quite cemetery-silent either. Something in between.
I look at the monitor. Final score: 4-3 Vancouver in OT.
They fought back. Tied it 3-3. Almost pulled off the comeback.
But they couldn't finish in overtime.
Maybe I could have made the difference. Maybe I could have helped. Maybe I shouldn't have put us in the situation to need OT in the first place.
Liam spots me first. His face is red, exhausted, and I see the disappointment. He left it all out there, even if I didn't.
Then he stares hard at my hand. My face. The blood.
"What the fuck was that?" His voice is unusually sharp, without the usual sarcasm.
"I lost my temper."
"That wasn't losing your temper." He's right in front of me now. His eyes are searching my face for answers I can't give. Sweat drips from his hair onto his jersey. "That was something else. What's going on?"
"I can't talk about it."
"Can't or won't?"
"Both."
Aiden joins us. His captain's C catches the light as he moves closer. "Does this have to do with Sarah?"
My silence answers for me.
"Fuck." Liam's voice is tight. "Did something happen?"
Oh, only everything.
Y'all were there, I want to say. We were all just a bunch of clueless guys arguing about trivia and wings and Momo's TikTok following while Sarah and the girls were in the bathroom and the whole world was changing.
"I can't—" My voice cracks. It's Sarah’s call on who we tell and what we say and when we do it. I let my boys down out there. But I kept my mouth shut and didn’t let Sarah’s rights and choices down.
And I'll keep on holding all of this in until Sarah tells me otherwise, even if it means a hundred more fights and threats of phone calls that might lead to suspensions. "I can't talk about it right now."
"Okay. But we're here. When you can." He pauses. Looks at me hard. "We almost had it. Came back from three down. But in OT..."
He doesn't finish. Doesn't have to.
They needed the top D pair in overtime. I wasn't there.
I nod. Don't trust my voice.
They leave me alone.
Paige appears in the doorway. Scans the room, finds me, then makes her way over.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Coach wants you to skip media. Quinn told him you're being evaluated."
I'll take that small mercy.
"Thanks."
She crouches down. "DoPS is probably going to call tomorrow. That fight was intense."
"I know."
I wasn't the aggressor. That was Fjellvik and Vostrikov for three periods. Fuckers. But I know how this goes. "Got it."
She studies my face. "Kevin? Are you really okay?"
I can’t lie to Paige. Too drained to even want to try. "I might have just fucked everything up."
"The game or...?"
"Everything."
Understanding crosses her face. She looks around, lowers her voice. I'm the only one who can hear her. "Have you told Sarah? About the possible suspension?"
"Not yet."
She nods. Thinks through what she's going to say next, then drops her voice even softer. "Have you told her how you really feel about her?"
Paige sounds like she could be my sister. Actually, that's not too far off the mark. She’s probably the closest thing I’ve ever had to one.
My throat closes and I force the words out. "I can't."
"Kevin—"
"You were there, Paige. At Wing Wednesday. You know." Paige was in that bathroom with Sarah and Quinn and Lindy. She knows about the baby. "If I tell her now, she'll think it's only because of that. She'll never believe it's real."
Paige shakes her head. "Or she'll hear the guy she's trusted since the day you met, telling her the truth. You can't control the timing, only the honesty. The timing's a mess — but we both know your feelings aren't."
Her words cause a literal shiver in my spine. I shake it off. She makes so much sense that it scares me even more.
"Tell her about DoPS tonight. Tomorrow, you keep it boring for the league.
But for tonight, you have to make things clear for her.
You're already in the deep end. The risk is drowning.
But Kevin, as someone who's known you for a decade and cares about you, I'm telling you that you need to take the risk. "
"I know you're right." I lower my head into my bruised up hands.
Paige squeezes my knee. Stands.
After a few deep breaths, I stand up and pull my phone out of my stall. Turn it back on.
Ranger’s Mom
Are you okay? That fight looked bad.
Sent during the third period. Right after it happened. More than half an hour ago.
She was worried.
I'm okay. Hand's fine. Quinn checked it.
Three dots immediately.
Ranger’s Mom
That's not what I meant.
I know.
Can we talk when I get home?
Ranger’s Mom
Of course.
Two words that hit me in the chest. Of course.
Like it's obvious.
Like I don't have to ask.
Like she'll always be there.
Even when I don't deserve it.
The drive home is quiet. Just me and the Austin streets and the weight of what I have to say.
I pull into the garage. Sit in my truck.
She's upstairs. Waiting.
I don't know what words will work best. Don't know how to tell her I might miss Ranger's debut. That the brand deal she needs might start with a story about how Ranger St. Clair is at TexTech Arena, but Kevin St. Clair is sitting in the press box, in his suit, suspended.
All because I lost my mind over Vancouver and a cross-check.
I count every second I’m in the elevator.
Outside my door, I stop. I just stand there, holding my key in my hand.
When I finally unlock the door and open it, the condo's quiet. The lights are on in the living room. Everything seems soft and warm.
Everything seems like home.
Ranger appears first, still wearing his custom jersey. Seventy pounds of chocolate lab is launching himself at me before I'm two steps inside. His tail whips so hard his whole back end wags.
"Hey, buddy." I try to catch him with my good hand but he's already jumping. Those large paws hit my chest. My wrapped hand comes up instinctively to steady him and pain shoots through my knuckles.
I glance past him to the couch. There's some kind of white stuffing on the floor.
"Ranger, down." Sarah's voice, firm but gentle.
He drops immediately. Sits. Tail still going like a propeller. He looks up at me with those eyes that say I missed you and also I definitely didn't eat your throw pillow.
"He had feelings about how those jackasses from Vancouver treated you," Sarah says.
Despite everything — the loss, the fight, the suspension hanging over me — I almost smile.
Then it fades.
Because I have to tell her what I did. What it might cost her.
"Sarah—"
"I made a doctor's appointment," she says at the same time.
We both stop. The air in the room shifts.
"What?" My voice comes out rough.
"Two weeks from tomorrow. One o'clock." She's not looking at me, focused on Ranger instead, scratching behind his ears like it's the most important task in the world. "First prenatal appointment."
Two weeks from tomorrow. We're gone the end of next week and back the following Tuesday night. I'll be in Austin that Friday. And I know exactly where I'll be at one o' clock.
"I'm coming." I hesitate. I hope I didn’t overstep. “That is, if you’d like me there.”
Now she looks at me. "What if you have a game that night? You have a whole pregame routine. Game day nap time has not changed in the whole time I've known you."
I move closer, careful, like she might bolt. "Even if I did, I’d ask for a maintenance day. This is more important than a nap."
"Kevin—"
"I'm coming, Sarah. I want to be there."
She bites her lip, and I can see her working through all the reasons to push me away. All the ways to protect herself.
"Okay," she says finally. Quietly. "Okay."
The relief that floods through me is almost embarrassing.
But then reality crashes back in.
"I need to tell you something." I sink onto the couch. Ranger immediately jumps up next to me, shoving his head under my hand. "About tonight. About tomorrow."
Sarah sits in the chair across from me. Not next to me. The distance feels like miles.
"I'm probably getting suspended." The words taste like ash. "DoPS is calling tomorrow morning. I know how this works. Game misconduct for the instigator. They might give me a game, maybe two. Which means—"
"You'll miss Ranger's debut." Her voice is flat. She immediately knows what's on the line.
"Yeah." I can't look at her. "The biggest day for the rescue.
The brand deal launch. Thousands and thousands of dollars riding on Ranger being the story, being the feel-good moment.
And instead, the headline's going to be about how Kevin St. Clair got suspended for losing his shit in a game we needed to win. "
"Kevin—"
"I fucked it up." The words come faster now, pressure building.
"The whole thing with Ranger was supposed to help you.
Help the rescue. And now the story tomorrow is going to be about me sitting in the press box, suspended, while everyone talks about what a liability I am.
Super PawMart's going to see that and think — what did we just sign up for?
Another hockey player who can't control his temper?
They're going to wonder if this deal is worth the risk. "
I finally force myself to look at her.
She's watching me carefully. Those green eyes can probably see I’m right on the edge.
"You think they'll cancel the deal?" she asks.