Chapter 51
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
From dawn until dusk, Helaina filled her days.
The fae still took the early mornings to practice her swordplay.
Afternoons were spent on that miserable hike with Callum.
And after the sunset, she was Theo’s, as he helped her unravel her curse.
She wanted so badly to wield it as her own, to stop being scared of it.
Every day, his training techniques frustrated her. Every day, she found herself wanting to walk out on his harsh words. But every time that feeling bloomed to the surface, she replayed the sincerity in his eyes in her head. She recalled the devotion in his words.
My heart is alive and beating, and it will go to every hell realm and back for the ones who offer it the same.
That kind of loyalty . . . it reminded her of the people she loved the most. The ones she had to say goodbye to all too soon.
The kind of grief she had been navigating, Theo had done it for lifetimes.
Theo had loved and lost. Past his power, past the gruff exterior, below all of that was a heart of pure gold.
She didn’t bring up the words he had said, the things he had voiced when they had warred with each other down here, but she thought of them often.
I would have looked for you.
He didn’t go after her anger anymore. He had said things not with the intention to hurt but so she would see that her power was untamed when she let her emotions run rampant. It was stronger that way, that was certain, but less controlled.
He focused on small tasks at first, to help fine-tune her focus and control. They were obnoxiously simple, so it angered her to find them so challenging.
“Move that bowl from this side to that side.”
“Stack these three rocks atop one another.”
“Dump that pail of water onto the fire.”
The tasks proved to be harder than anticipated. It took her hours to focus that deeply, to finesse her shadow into completing these minuscule actions. She cast out feathers of shadow until her chest felt raw.
The first time he had brought her here, he had remained close, kept contact with her. He couldn’t really keep his hands to himself when she was close. But these past weeks, his touch wasn’t drawn out. His appraisals weren’t relaxed. He simply gave the order of tasks and she accomplished them.
And she was accomplishing them.
Every so often, a faint smile or glitter in his eye appeared, giving some semblance of pride in her successes.
“Did you make it to the top today?” Theo asked one day as he set up her next challenge. He was tying a rope to one of the rock formations, putting all of his weight against the knots to ensure they held.
“Almost, and we ran a good part of the trail.”
“You kept up with Callum?” Theo asked in surprise.
“I wouldn’t call it keeping up as much as not losing sight of his back through the trees.”
She took note of the raise in his eyebrows. “Well done.”
“Finally, a compliment.”
Maybe he was just as exhausted as she was today, because his words had no bite; his praise was genuine.
He worked against the rope again, putting his large frame nearly horizontal, ensuring it wouldn’t break. “I compliment you plenty, you just choose not to hear it.”
She rolled her eyes, her knuckles resting under her chin. “What are we doing today?”
He walked over to her, holding the other end of the rope, and began tying loops around her waist.
“I’m not following . . .”
“You’re going to walk . . . out there.”
She blinked, following his pointed finger toward the sinkhole. “I am?”
“You are. Using your shadows to support your weight beneath your feet. Like forming your own path.”
“Is this a grand scheme to get me to plummet to my death? I know I irritate you, but I thought we were past all that.”
His lip twitched, almost a smile.
“That’s what the rope is for.” He tied his final knot. “I’ll catch you if you fall.”
Why did that last part leave her a bit breathless?
Helaina got to her feet. Oddly enough, in these weeks, as hard as Theo pushed, as bizarrely brutal as he was, it was always what she needed to get past the mental barriers that had been crippling her for far too long.
She didn’t say another word. She just threw him the bracelet that had offered her so much security. She used to dread parting with it. Now every time it left her skin, it was like being set free.
Her boots ground in the dry dirt and rocks as she slowly stepped forward, the distance between her and the edge growing slim.
“Find that burn, and don’t let it go. It listens to you, not you to it.” His words offered her surprising comfort.
Another step. Her toes were on the earth’s edge. Tiny pebbles broke free and tumbled into the pit of black.
Her exhale was deep and prolonged. Then her foot stepped out into the air.
A gust of wind erupted from below, like all of a sudden there was a tunnel letting the outside air through the endless trench. The instant breeze brought her power with it, forming a swirling black bridge.
Where her next step landed, her foot was greeted by the solid presence of her magic.
Sweat dripped from her forehead. Her hands shook at the energy she was using.
“I knew you could do it.” She could hear his pride. “Now come back.” Theo gave a gentle tug on the rope, indicating she should turn around.
“I can keep going.” She wanted to show him she was giving it her all. She wanted his approval, needed his approval.
“If you stay out there, you’ll drain. We’ve been at this for weeks. Listen to your body and come back.” There was concern in his voice now.
She took another step as her long hair blew in all directions, the gust of shadows creating an upward flow of air. She wondered how far it was to the other side; she couldn’t see it from here.
Her head began to fog. She suddenly wanted her bed.
“Theo,” she gasped, as her shadows disappeared with her wavering concentration.
Her body fell. Her heart ascended into her throat.
But she didn’t fall far. Muscular arms enveloped her, bringing her back to safety.
When she opened her eyes, there he was, the snaking veins bulging from his milky skin, the razor canines, the horns, the wings.
She didn’t pull away. She let him carry her, placing her back against a nearby boulder. He tried readjusting her position. She didn’t mean to flinch the way she did. It was purely instinctual. But the minor movement altered his face into somber disappointment. She had to say something.
“Sit with me?”
He looked like he was going to march in the other direction despite her invitation. To her surprise he collapsed at her side.
“You’re almost ready. You can take the rest of the day to relax, probably tomorrow too.”
She didn’t like the sound of that, that it wouldn’t be necessary to see him tomorrow. “I can push through it. Just let me sleep tonight and—”
“I’ve never had to help someone train their magic before a trial.
This part comes after they return. Your limits are different in a mortal body.
We shouldn’t risk it. Hike with Callum tomorrow; we’ll see how you feel after.
” He sipped from his water skin, tossing her one of her own.
“Maybe we can get you something stronger than water? Help you get a solid night’s rest.”
She drank, still watching him, observing his every move, the curve of his boulderish shoulders as he stared at the ground. “I’ve never been a fan of the strong stuff. I’ve seen the others here drink plenty. Not you, though, why is that?”
“I have also never been a fan.”
“How come?”
“Control is essential to me, anything that can disrupt that would cause problems.”
“Is that what happened before? With Breyer? You lost control?”
Theo didn’t look up. “Yes.”
“Has it . . . happened before Breyer?”
Theo’s jaw worked as he considered. “Once.”
She didn’t want to push this. “Callum said you had a family . . . What were they like?”
Theo looked up at that. There was no animosity there; his face looked broken somehow. “Memorable. Even after all this time.”
Memorable. A single word, and it cut so deep to hear it.
“You must miss them very much.” It was a stupid thing to say. His face didn’t show anything of the sort.
“Do you miss yours?” he asked, catching her completely off guard. He hadn’t brought up her losses in a while.
“I miss what they could have been the most. It’s like you had all these plans for tomorrow, for another day, and then your chance to make them a reality . . . just goes away.”
He didn’t speak, but his eyes were hanging on her every word.
“Adriel would have been such an incredible ruler . . . Krysta too. I think she was more excited to be a mother, though. She would have been good at that.”
“What about you? Do you wish for children? The dagger . . . the ritual . . . it—”
“I know, Fee told me.”
“Does that disappoint you?”
“No. I don’t think I have a parental bone in my body.”
“You comforted Aaron when he was scared, you made him feel hopeful, you made him feel safe. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of a mother.”
She smiled. “I think there are other ways to be a mother, outside of bearing children. I like taking care of others. For me, I think that is enough.”
Theo gave some sort of hum, considering. “It is more than enough, but . . .”
“But what?” Helaina turned toward him.
“Who takes care of you?”
She wanted so badly to echo the question back at him.
Who takes care of you?
She didn’t know why, but she felt the need to place her hand atop his. So she did. He sat there, eyeing the physical connection she created. The skin of his knuckles was tough, and she couldn’t help smoothing her fingertips over the bony prominences.
“I feel like we have more in common than I realized.”
Theo’s gaze didn’t leave her hand. “On that, we can very much agree.”