17. Unwanted
Chapter seventeen
Unwanted
E strellas shivered with fear. What if William cleared their thoughts and put Talia’s life in danger? They wouldn’t be able to live with themselves. What other human could have divided their heart? The way they felt about Talia was so overwhelming they couldn’t imagine ever feeling this way about another. But without answers, they would be stuck in Angela’s body, and Talia would never forgive them.
Perhaps it was worth the risk. They could find a place to hide Talia first, then if they did end up back on the mothership, at the very least, they could find a way to give Angela back. Talia’s happiness and safety was all that mattered to them anyway.
With their mind made up they said. “Okay, William, let’s do it, start digging into the deepest recesses of my mind.” Estrellas said, face set with determination.
“Wait!” Talia's voice went up an octave. “Just like that? We’re going to risk a direct line to the mothership? Are we really ready for that?”
Estrellas warmed at the possibility of Talia being concerned for them. The worn kitchen chair screeched against the linoleum as they turned from Bill to face her. “We’ll hide you first, I promise, no harm will come to you. At the very least, we can get Angela back into her body. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that happens.”
When Talia’s bottom lip quivered, it took all of Estrellas’s willpower not to still it with their thumb. To not lean over and wrap their arms around her.
Talia swallowed thickly. “But…what if I never see you again?”
Estrellas’s mind raced. They had only ever hoped that Talia was emotionally invested in them. But they had resigned themselves to believing that any care she showed them was caused by a combination of being concerned for her own safety and her desire to be reunited with her best friend. But now, for the first time, it dawned on Estrellas that Talia truly did care for them, possibly even as much as they cared for her. More than just an obligation to do the right thing by helping Angela’s body. But perhaps those short moments they had together as Brad, and then their journey so far as Angela, had made some small impact beyond moral duty. The idea that Talia would miss them, possibly even long for them, did something to them that they could not put into words.
They reached their hands across the table and gently laid them on top of hers, and when Talia intertwined their fingers and squeezed back, Estrellas thought their heart might burst out of their chest.
“I do miss my friend.” Talia spoke softly, slowly. “But if this is goodbye, then why rush? Please give me one week.” She laughed and wiped a tear from her eye. “I know Angela would understand if she knew what I was feeling right now.”
Hot damn!
Her words came out nearly a whisper, as if she was breaking an unwritten law by saying so. As if by giving Estrellas permission to stay in Angela’s body, even if for a short while, she was betraying her best friend. “Just one week… to say goodbye. Then we make contact.”
Estrellas was tongue tied. A hot windstorm full of butterflies swirled around inside them. She wants more time with me. Salty tears lingered on their lips and flowed down their chin. How will I ever say goodbye to you?
They smiled and nodded at Talia. “One week.”
Bill stood more swiftly than they thought possible for a person his age and clapped them on the back. “Great!” His old deep voice boomed. “I could use the company!”
Estrellas looked up at him. “Are you sure, Bill? We could be putting you at risk as well.”
Bill shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry. Your head is so full of tangled spaghetti all mixed up with love sauce, there’s no way the mothership is going to get a line on you.” He smiled and whispered as if they were conspiring together. “Besides, I do love me a good budding romance, gives me all the tingles.” He wiggled his shoulders like a showgirl, winked, and shuffled off toward the living room. He gestured for them to follow him. “Come on ya lovebirds.” He looked over his shoulder. “Let me give y'all the grand tour.”
Estrellas glanced sideways at Talia and a little thrill ran through them when they saw a blush on Talia’s features, her eyelashes fluttered just slightly against her cheeks when she looked down and smiled. The energy cycling between them was like a magnetic pull that Estrellas had a hard time fighting. They wanted to give in to the force attracting them together. To live in that small space they created that belonged to only the two of them.
Bill stopped at the stairs that led up, he gripped the handrail tightly and the old mahogany wood creaked with each careful step as he climbed. At the top of the landing, he opened a closet revealing extra blankets and towels. “Help yerselves to whatever you need in here.” He closed the closet and moved down the short hallway, pointing to two doors on either side. “Those are the spare rooms, up to you’s if ya want to use one er both.” He turned again to look at them and waggled his thick white eyebrows.
Estrellas smiled but held back a laugh when they saw Talia look away.
Bill stopped at the first door and turned the knob, but the door stuck. He leaned his shoulder into it and using his weight the door cracked open. “Now this room don’t connect to the heater very well, so it gets mighty chilly at night.” He mosied over to the only window adorned with white dotted swiss, a sheer cotton fabric that had yellowed with age. “This window is busted. Y’all try to open it and it’s gonna fall right outta the rails, so best to leave it shut.”
They made their way back out to the hallway which made a sharp right turn, and Bill led them to the final door on one side and a blank wall in front of them with a long rope hanging from the ceiling. “That there’s the restroom, takes a while for the water to heat up. And this rope here pulls the stairs down that lead up to the attic. No need to be going up there though, the floorboards are rotting.” He took a deep breath and looked at them. “That’s all of it! Make yerselves at home.” He inched between them and headed back down the way they had come, hollering over his shoulder. “Bout an hour or so and I’ll start us some supper.”
The quiet that fell between them after Bill left was palpable. Estrellas could have sworn the air between them rose a few degrees. They cleared their throat. “I’ll take the cold room. That closet looked stuffed full of blankets, I’ll just bundle up.”
Talia clenched and unclenched her hands at her sides, as if there were something she wanted to say, but fought the words from coming out. After a long pause she nodded her head and said. “Thanks. I appreciate that.” She threw Estrellas a smile that seemed forced before walking away and going into her room.
The sound of a small lock clicking into place was like ten steps back, a freshly sharpened dagger to their chest. They were so thoroughly confused by Talia’s mixed signals that their memory loss was becoming only one of many of their mental health struggles. They wanted so badly to tumble off the cliff, through the waterfall, and into the deep pool that was Talia’s heart. They thought about knocking on her door and saying the first true thing that would come to their mind, whatever that may be. But they refrained, and instead pulled a couple thick blankets from the hall closet and brought them into their room, purposefully leaving the door open.
After making the bed, they sat and watched the bright moon and stars through the window. They were so tempted to open the window, to feel the night air against their skin, but remembered William’s warning. The last thing they needed to do was break ol’ Bill’s window, especially after the hospitality he’d shown them. They decided the next best thing would be to go on a walk. They searched the bedroom closet and found an old mildly moth eaten, light pink sweater and pulled it over their head.
In the hallway, they nearly ran right into Talia.
“Oh.” She exclaimed while catching her balance.
Estrellas reached for her elbow to help steady her. “Sorry, you okay?”
Talia let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, just took me by surprise.
Estrellas quickly dropped their hand and cleared their throat. “Um, I was thinking of taking a walk, would you like to join me?”
“Ah-” She hesitated. “I was going to see if Bill needed any help in the kitchen.”
Suddenly William shouted from downstairs. “I’m good down here darlin!”
His clear interruption elicited an unexpected bout of laughter from the pair of them.
“Yeah!” The old man shouted. “I can hear a mouse fart from down here, house is as old as I am, well, as old as this body is anyway-”
His voice faded and mumbled away from their ears as Estrellas clasped their hands behind their back and tilted their head. “Well, what do you say? Take a walk with me?”
Talia grinned. “Sure.”
The night was clear, and the sky sparkled. The chill air stilled as they walked in silence. Nothing but the occasional tumbleweed or cactus dotted the long dead farmland. Behind the house stood an old barn with its large doors hanging open on weak hinges. Run down and rusted pieces of old farm equipment filled the interior.
Estrellas glanced to their side and saw the faintest cloud of breath spill from Talia’s lips. The idea of herbeing even the tiniest bit uncomfortable in any form made their skin itch.
“Would you like my sweater?” They asked with concern laced in their voice.
Talia laughed, bringing forth more fog from her lips. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m the one who is actually wearing a jacket, all you have is that worn out sweater.” For the first time since they started their walk, Talia looked at them when she asked. “Where’d you find that thing anyway.”
Estrellas had to force air into their lungs when they saw the light from the stars above reflect in Talia’s dark amber eyes, she glowed with warmth despite the cold that surrounded them.
They gave their head a shake. “Um, it was hanging in the closet in my room.”
Talia stopped and turned her body to face them. “Estrellas!” She nervously chuckled, “You can’t just take Bill’s things without asking. I’m sure that was Miriam’s and he’s probably sentimentally attached to it.” Her lips hung slightly open, begging to be warmed by theirs. “Next time, just… ask first, okay?” She said.
Estrellas nodded. “You’re right. I should have asked first.” But the only thing their mind could focus on was her. The way the tip of her nose had a pink tinge of color against the soft tan of her skin. The way her face was always framed in small curls no matter how hard she tried to tie her hair up into a smooth bun. And most of all, the way they could feel the racing of her beating heart when they stood close enough to her and when they placed their hand against her chest.
Talia didn’t pull away. “Estrellas, please-” She closed her eyes as she spoke. “I’m already beating myself up, I don’t need you to make me feel more guilty.”
Estrellas whispered. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… “ She hesitated, kicking dirt with the toe of her shoe as she talked. “I had this moment earlier… when I realized we were safe, even if temporarily, and had bought ourselves more time together. I was… happy. And that moment made me feel guilty. Because I should only be thinking about saving my friend. Saving her should be the one and only task on my to-do list.”
Estrellas knew that they should pull their hand away from Talia’s heart, but they took one last step forward, closing the inches between their bodies, only their faces stayed apart.
The softness of Talia’s voice as she spoke melted them. “I make it a habit of not getting close to people, they only ever disappoint me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel things. And what I feel for you… I’ve only felt it three times in my life. It’s strong-” She hesitated, “and I’m greedy for more.”
Estrellas matched her whisper when they said. “What-who, do you feel these things for?”
She looked up from her shoes and directly into their eyes. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, obvious , doesn’t come naturally for me.” A quiet laugh escaped them.
“It’s you.”
Talia’s hot sweet breath warmed their mouth, so close for the taking, centimeters apart, their heart skipped a beat.
“I felt it for the first time, years ago-and again, instantly, the moment I met you, when you were Brad. I didn’t notice it right away this time. I think my platonic love for Angela, and then my fear for realizing what you are, clouded the feeling. But it’s clearer now than ever before. I can’t explain it, I hardly know you-heck you hardly know you, but I am unequivocally and passionately in love with you.”
Their knees turned to jelly and the world swooped around them. But Talia was their anchor. They latched their eyes on hers and held on tight. Love. They knew they were in love with Talia, but to hear her say it, to have their feelings reciprocated, was beyond anything they could ever dream of. Words failed them. They wanted to fill the small space that separated their mouth from hers, but just as they tried to place their lips on Talia’s, she pulled away. The magnetic pull that drew them to her, was now reversed and pushing them away.
“I want to.” She said. “But I can’t cross that line again. No matter how badly I want to kiss you, that body you are inside of has not given consent. I won’t. Please understand.”
“I do. I understand.” It was as if a bucket of ice poured over them, extinguishing the heat between them.
Worry creased lines in Talia’s brow.
Estrellas smoothed the lines with their thumb and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I love you too.”
Talia fell into their embrace, snuggling her head against their chin.
Estrellas whispered. “I have to tell you something.”
“Hmm?”
Their pulse kicked up like a racehorse on a track and they could feel cold sweat along their hairline. Too late to turn back now.
“You know how you mentioned you had this feeling only three times in your life and two of them were with me?”
“Yeah?” Talia asked quizzically.
“Well… I was also the third.”
Talia laughed. “What do you mean?”
“You know at the white sands, when I had that vision?”
Talia nodded. “Um hm.”
“It wasn’t a vision, it was a memory. I was holding your hand, you were younger, maybe late teens, and I was a tall skinny white boy with a mess of dark hair.”
Talia gasped and pulled away covering her mouth with her hands. She turned away. “Oh my God. Holy shit. Oh my God-Oh my God-Oh my God. Shit.”
“Talia? Are you okay?” Worry tugged at their core.
She spun back to face them, her voice steadily rising. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Their words came out in a rush. “I wanted to. Right away, I did.” They took a deep breath. “But I was scared it would damage you in some way. Take something away from the person who you have become. If you knew your first love wasn’t who you thought they were-”
Talia began to pace, hands on hips, walking bath and forth as if her footsteps could reveal some hidden truth to solve all her problems.
“I loved that boy!” She suddenly shouted. “I gave him everything. And one morning, the day before senior prom mind you, he suddenly didn’t know who I was. I didn’t believe him of course! I thought it was his way of breaking up with me, you know, a new form of ghosting, pretending to not remember someone. I was heartbroken. I cried for days. My mother wanted to have an intervention, to put me in a psych ward!” She pointed a finger at them, fury in her voice. “YOU broke me !”
Tears were streaming down their face. Seeing her pain bubble over so furiously, so suddenly, was torture. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tal.”
She started pacing again as Estrellas pleaded. “Please, I don’t know what happened. I only know that if I could have stayed with you, I would have. Without a doubt. Nothing would have kept me from you if I could have helped it.”
Talia spun to face them again. “You don’t know that! You don’t know anything!”
“Tal, please. I hate seeing you in pain. Please, tell me how to fix this. I’ll do anything.”
She bit her lip and shook her head. Placing her hands back on her hips she looked to the sky and sighed deeply. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” She stomped past them and headed back to William’s house.
Estrellas held back the sobs that threatened to overtake them, head hung low, and followed her back to the house.