Chapter 40
AVA
Iwoke up in the middle of the night, feeling thirsty, and tossed my comforter off to put on my slippers and a robe as I wandered to the kitchen to find a glass of water.
As I took a sip and looked out the windows, I noticed our phones lighting up on the table in the balcony.
Surprised, I set my glass aside and walked up, pushing the balcony door open to the chilly midnight air.
Then, I saw a text on Desmond’s phone that made my heart pound.
It was from Ellie Hunt, and when I read it, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
Ellie: Brody’s had an accident. Nick and I are on our way. Where are you?
I inhaled sharply when I read the message. It had been five hours ago when we said goodbye to Brody. When had this accident happened?
My heart thudding in my chest, I ran to the bedroom and shook Desmond awake, feeling weak.
When he woke up and made sense of my incoherent mumblings, he grabbed his phone and made a call while I hunted around for his clothes and wallet.
Stashing them on the bed, I ran to the bathroom to get ready myself. When I emerged, Desmond was dressed and halfway out the door, phone pressed to his ear, when I called for him to stop.
He turned around. “While driving home, Brody had a seizure two blocks from here. He has a concussion and isn’t conscious yet. Ellie and Nick, Brody’s bandmate, are with him in the hospital.”
“I’m coming with you,” I said, running to catch up to him while he reached to pull the door shut.
“No,” he said, his expression thunderous.
I froze. “What?”
“Ellie is there,” he said, his voice strained. “You and I can’t be seen arriving together. Please, I can’t think straight right now. But let me just go alone.”
I must have looked aghast because he reached up to me and cupped my face in his hand.
“I’ll call you. I promise. As soon as I’ve reached him and gotten the update, I’ll call you.”
I nodded, and once Desmond left, I sank against the door, tears rolling down my cheeks, hoping Brody would be okay.
It was five hours later when Ellie and Nick left and Desmond let me join him at the hospital.
I got out of a cab at New York-Presbyterian Hospital and walked into the emergency room.
I passed nurses and doctors in scrubs until I finally found Desmond in an exam room.
He was seated on a chair by the wall, Brody lying down on the bed next to him.
Brody was in the white hospital gown with a neck collar for support.
He appeared drowsy, and his eyes were barely open when he shifted in his spot to wave at me.
There was a bedside monitor next to him with multiple sensors attached to his body to monitor his heart, oxygen, and blood pressure.
Desmond seemed sleepy and fatigued, but determined to keep his eyes open.
When I neared him, his eyes flickered with something like hope before they dulled again.
“How’s Brody?” I asked when Brody’s eyes closed shut again, and Desmond gestured for me to follow him out.
“He’s going to be fine,” Desmond said faintly after we shut the door to the exam room and walked down the corridor to the waiting room.
“He had a fit while driving, drove onto the curb, and crashed into a storefront. Thankfully, he was driving slowly, and his injuries aren’t as bad as they could’ve been.
A mild concussion, two broken bones in his right leg, and many cuts to his face and arms. They need to fix his medications, and he won’t be driving for a while, but at least he’s alive. ”
When we reached the waiting room, now mostly empty, I turned to him. His eyes were moist, and he was looking vulnerable. I could imagine how hard the night must have been on him.
“Oh, Desmond,” I breathed out. “I’m so sorry.”
His hands were on either side of my shoulders in an instant, and he seemed like he wanted to cry. He put his forehead on mine for a minute, just shaking, and when he looked up, getting ahold of himself, he pulled me to him and held me tight.
“He’s alive,” he repeated, more to himself as his arms went around my shoulders. “He’s alive.”
I leaned against him, feeling a well of relief. We stood quietly, holding each other, when a slight noise reminded us of the nurses walking past us. Stepping away, I remembered the café I’d seen on the first floor.
“Perhaps I can get you a cup of coffee?” I asked.
It was a little after seven, but I didn’t think Desmond would be leaving Brody’s side anytime soon.
I glanced at him. His brown eyes were distant, his face weary. He had dark under-eye circles, and he was frowning, a faraway look in his eyes, as though he hadn’t heard me.
“I checked my phone’s call log and saw that Brody had called me.
He was conscious after the crash for a bit.
He called me a couple of times. He had crashed into a store two blocks down.
I could’ve gotten to him in five minutes, Ava.
But I didn’t. He slipped in and out of consciousness, and it was a good fifteen minutes before someone passing by called 911 and the ambulance reached him.
Luckily, no one else was injured. What would have happened, Ava, if Ellie and Nick hadn’t been available?
I was so irresponsible. I could have gotten to him on time.
He was two blocks away, for heaven’s sake. ”
He wasn’t putting up any walls this time or hiding his emotions. Desmond was blaming himself again, and I wished it didn’t feel so ominous.
“Come to the café with me,” I insisted. “Let’s get you something to eat.”
After checking in on Brody once more, who was still asleep, we went down to the cafeteria for a bite. Grabbing croissants, we walked out onto the street.
“I always check in to make sure he’s reached home safely,” Desmond said, leaving his croissant untouched. “If only I’d done it that night, I could’ve gotten to him on time. He wouldn’t have to deal with a concussion in addition to his existing problems,” Desmond said, his head in his hand.
I put my arm around him, not knowing what to say.
“What was the point of my learning CPR, or making sure Brody’s home was safe for him, or, hell, making sure my home was safe in case he fell when I couldn’t even check in on him to make sure he had reached home safely?”
I blinked in the hazy light of dawn, stopping on the footpath to turn to him. For a minute, our eyes roved over each other’s faces, neither of us moving. He was searching my face for something with eyes that looked tired, strained, and worried.
“After I lost Mom,” Desmond began, turning to look away from me, “I promised myself that I would always be there for my family. The ones I had left at least. But once again, when they needed me, I was nowhere to be found. I was in bed with you, besotted, losing my mind.”
I stared at him, feeling a tendril of defiance. “Are you blaming me?”
He shook his head. “No, not you. Me. I was the one to blame. I should have remembered to check up on him instead of dragging you off to the bedroom.”
I put a calming hand on his arm. “We’ll be careful the next time,” I began when he cut me short.
“There will be no next time.”
I drew my hand back. “What do you mean?”
“After my aunt died and my uncle got Alzheimer’s, I became responsible for Brody.
Even though he is an adult, I consider myself to be something of a guardian to him.
And last night, I let him down, Ava. Something I cannot risk happening again.
I don’t want to make this mistake again, Ava.
I don’t want to do it and risk losing Brody. ”
I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. “Do you mean that you don’t want to be with me and risk losing Brody?”
He gave me a look that seemed like death before he finally nodded.
I stared back at him in disbelief. “Last night, you told me that you wanted to go public with our relationship. The same night, Brody got into an accident, and you’re letting me go, just like that? We go back to being miserably single again?”
He didn’t say anything.
“Desmond, I know why this is scary. I know what this reminds you of—losing your mom. It must bring back some terrifying memories. But this isn’t the same. Brody is going to be fine.”
“Brody has a concussion, and the doctors don’t know what long-term effects this might have on his health.”
He looked around, at anywhere really but me, while he ran his hand through his hair. “I’ll take care of you. I’ll make sure you get a better job elsewhere. We won’t need to see each other at work anymore.”
“Desmond, please. Think straight. You’re tired and exhausted from a night spent in a waiting room. Please don’t do this.”
He was pushing me away again. Hurting me again.
He stepped back. I looked at him and wished, just for once, that instead of pushing me away, he’d reel me back in.
Why didn’t he fight for us? Why didn’t he care about us?
He shook his head. “This is my mistake, Ava. Believing I could do serious relationships. Believing I could do a serious relationship with you.”
“Because I’m bad luck?” I asked, fighting with feelings of fear and helplessness.
There was no arguing with Desmond anymore. He was stubborn.
I had fallen for him all over again. And he was pushing me away all over again.
I was a fool. He was a fool with a foolish heart but a strong mind.
One that couldn’t be swayed to leave his family.
I had no such tug-of-war going on within me.
I had nothing to hold on to, except for my restaurant.
And I was prepared to give that up while he would give nothing up for me.
If only I hadn’t watched Maid in Manhattan about a trillion times and cried over how amazing Ralph Fiennes was to follow Jennifer Lopez. We needed more Ralph Fiennes in this world.
“The serious Desmond—the one who is capable of commitment—doesn’t exist. This incident showed me that. I should not have let you believe I was serious about my relationship with you. I’m sorry.”
Desmond turned away, his voice starting to shake.
“If I pretend that my fears don’t exist and try to live with them, even while they constantly hound my every waking moment, I’ll soon be a miserable shell of a man.
Someone you can’t love. And I don’t want to see that happen, Ava.
It’s best we end things this way. We part with the best memories of each other instead of when we see the worst in each other.
I don’t want us to go down that trail of unhappiness. ”
I closed my eyes for an instant, feeling both pain and anger before I faced him. “I don’t know what’s more terrible—the fact that you’re afraid of a future with me or that you simply don’t trust me enough to work through your fears with me. We ought to talk things out together, Desmond.”
His face contorted with pain as he took two steps back.
Des shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ava. You deserve to be happy, and I’m just not the man who can make you happy anymore.”
I had been happy until a few minutes ago, but Desmond didn’t want to hear that. He’d decided that protecting Brody at all costs was his job, and when it seemed rightly impossible, he’d convinced himself that no one could be happy in this situation.
“It’s time we end things,” he said, the terrible words falling off his lips easily, as though he wasn’t destroying me again.
I turned away, the tears falling freely down my cheeks.
“Goodbye, Desmond,” I said as my throat burned, my voice sounding alien to my ears. “For the last time.”
I didn’t wait for a response.
Holding on to my handbag, I turned on my heel and marched back down the same path we had come from. This time, I didn’t have a warm hand to clasp. Five minutes later, I found an empty bench and sat down, willing my body to stop shaking as I sobbed.
He didn’t follow.
That evening, as I sat alone in my studio, an empty box of Kleenex by my side, I heard a calm knock on my door.
“It’s me,” came Rishi’s voice. “Just checking to see why you canceled our dinner plans for today. Though, if you’d rather I go away, just yell leave me alone, and I’ll let you be alone for another half an hour.”
I got up and padded to the door in my slippers. I opened it and stared at him with bloodshot eyes.
“You’d come back in half an hour?” I asked as Rishi stood there, his expression getting graver when he saw me.
“Sure. I’d be armed with a hot chocolate and marshmallows next time around.”
I rubbed my cheeks and eyes. “And Kleenex,” I added in a low voice. “I’m all out of Kleenex.”
He walked up to me. “I’d definitely get you more Kleenex,” he began. But one look at my face, and he stopped speaking. He had no more questions. “Come here, my dear,” he said and enveloped me in a gigantic hug.
“It’s over,” I sobbed, my tears soiling his blue cashmere sweater.
He hugged me tighter. “I’m sorry, Ava. I’m really sorry.”
He was quiet for a second and then asked, “Now, will you let me buy rotten eggs to fling at his windows?”
I nodded, and he held me tighter.