Failure as a Monster #2
Lill nodded. “I thought I was telling the truth. I—I was, but—he … he tried to. Master Dumuz, Yellow Adder, he … he … I didn’t realize it until just now.
I woke up in his apartment with my tunic half off, and my sash was on the floor, and I didn’t know what—what …
That was why he sent me away. He said it was my fault, but it wasn’t. ”
“You just remembered that someone tried to rape you,” Vanu translated.
“Not remembered—I hadn’t forgotten anything, I just didn’t …
I didn’t understand what it was. I was drugged.
He’d put something in the wine, and I passed out.
And when I woke up … He’d been caught—someone saw him with me.
He’d have been in so much trouble. He was supposed to be celibate.
We all were, but he had a, a mania about it.
He used to carry on at me about how I was too pretty, I should be ashamed of myself for looking like a girl—lots of people said things sort of like that, but he always made it …
let me know it was my fault, made sure I felt guilty for it.
And all the time, he wanted me and he knew …
he thought he shouldn’t. Then he did something about it, and he got caught. Of course he had to get rid of me.”
“The fucker,” said Vanu succinctly.
“Yeah.” Lill took a deep breath and went on, even faster, “There’s something else.
I had to kill the first man I was ever—had ever—the first man I felt desire for.
Before I even knew what it was, what it meant to feel that—I had to kill him.
His name was Zish. I had to strangle him, and I was too weak to, it—it took longer than …
I couldn’t even give him a quick death.”
Vanu was silent for a long moment. “When you said you’re not all right … ”
“That’s what I meant. That’s … There’s a lot more.”
Vanu nodded. “We’re a fine pair.”
Lill looked up into Vanu’s eyes, startled.
“We’re both … ” He fumbled to put into words what Vanu had just intimated so easily.
“We’ve got scars. From the past. You drink more than you should, and I—I’m scared of, scared to …
But I think we’ll be all right, though. We’re both quite tough, aren’t we? ”
What was he talking about? He was babbling. He was reeling on the edge of some precipice. The fucker, Vanu had said, of Master Dumuz, and Lill had agreed with him.
“Extremely,” said Vanu.
“You didn’t hurt me, Vanu. You didn’t. I—I was yelling at you. I attacked you, and you were drunk, but you still didn’t really hurt me. But why were you angry with me in the first place?”
“Why was I … ” Vanu rubbed his forehead as if to dislodge a memory. “Nothing. No. I made a mistake.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not angry with you.”
“I’m glad. I’m the one who should apologize. You were drunk, and I tried to take advantage … ”
Vanu laughed softly. “No, that’s absurd.”
“Yes, a bit, but—I tried to make you do something you didn’t want to do. Just because I didn’t really want it either … or … ”
“Yeah, neither of those things is true, hey? Lill, I’m not sober enough for this yet.”
“Sorry.” Lill smiled. “I’m sorry I woke you. You should go back to sleep.”
Vanu put out a hand but stopped short of touching Lill. “Will you stay?”
“Here? Of course! Of course.” He settled down on the bed next to Vanu with an eagerness that he would have found shameful a week—a day—maybe even an hour ago.
Vanu woke with Lill tucked against his chest, curled up under his arm. It felt so good having him there that Vanu barely noticed his own aching head. He lay still, not wanting to wake Lill, but when he looked down, he saw Lill’s eyelashes flicker and realized he was already awake.
Awake, and lying there enjoying the warmth of Vanu’s arm over him, the feeling of being curled up against Vanu’s bare chest? Or just not wanting to wake Vanu for some secret reason of his own. Vanu couldn’t guess.
He curved his hand around Lill’s slim shoulder and watched Lill realize that he was awake too. Lill looked up. For an instant there was a warm, open affection on Lill’s face. It flickered back into hiding so quickly that Vanu couldn’t be sure he’d really seen it.
“Good morning,” Lill said, his voice soft and drowsy.
“Morning.” Vanu got the word out on the second try. “Sorry about last night.”
Lill was silent for a moment. His expression was as guarded as usual, but his body was relaxed, lying there beside Vanu.
“Do you remember much of what I said after I came in here?” he asked finally.
Vanu nodded. He remembered all that clearly, or at least he thought he did.
“I see. So you know … when I’ve been reluctant, it’s nothing to do with who you are. I suppose I was wary of you at first, having been told that you were a beast and so on, but mostly it’s … it’s not that.”
“Mm. Yeah, I see that.”
“You saw it from the beginning. You thought I was … that there was something in my past.”
“Yeah.” He hadn’t had an inkling what it was, though. He did now.
Lill turned to lie on his back, and Vanu saw the side of his face that had been hidden against the pillow. There was a bruise on his pale cheekbone.
“Did I hit you?”
“Ugh, no. We bumped into one another.”
“You’re sure?”
“I was sober.”
Vanu snorted. “Not what I meant.”
“I’m not lying to protect your feelings. If you’d hit me, I’d tell you.”
Vanu looked at him and decided he believed that. He wondered what other things Lill might tell the truth about. He didn’t want to risk finding out just then.
“Dreamed I’d done stuff like that to you. Hurt you. Nightmares.”
Lill looked surprised. “You mean when you’ve woken from a bad dream … it was about that?”
“Not any of the evil warlord shit I’ve actually done? Yeah. I’m a real piece of work, hey?”
Lill laughed out loud at that. “You’re a complete failure as a monster, Vanu Urártu. Most of your crimes you didn’t even commit, and the rest you feel guilty for. Earth’s cock, or whatever you people say.”
Vanu laughed and winced at how much this made his head hurt. He scrubbed his hands over his face.
“Want me to get you something to eat?” Lill suggested, rolling up to sit on the bed.
“What? No, I gotta get up myself.”
“You could rest. I imagine you don’t feel … ”
Vanu shook his head. He sat up and signed, “I’m not supposed to drink. I shouldn’t indulge myself when I feel bad because I did. It’s time for me to get up.”
“I suppose that makes sense,” said Lill, but he didn’t sound convinced. “Did you tell Susami that you drank last night because you’d had bad news in that letter?”
“No. Don’t want to bother her with that. Not a good enough excuse anyway.”
Besides, he was no longer sure what to make of the contents of that letter. He no longer believed what Makhi had written.
Lill got up and headed for the steps down to the door, mumbling, “I’ll leave you to … ” He stopped, one hand on the railing, and looked back. “Last night, I … ”
Vanu had tossed back the quilt, and Lill looked as if he couldn’t remember what he had been about to say. It was adorable, and it was more than a little flattering.
“Last night?” Vanu signed.
“I didn’t hate it,” Lill signed back. And he fled.