Chapter 33 #2
‘I was miserable because every time you touched me you were igniting a flame.’ He shakes his head. ‘It was terrifying.’
Another step forward. His shoes almost at my toes. He’s too close.
I scramble to my feet and put some distance between us.
‘I don’t believe you,’ I say. ‘I think you saw an opportunity and grabbed it.’ I shuffle back until the curtains brush my arm and, I swallow hard, trying to douse the burning in my throat.
‘I was a mess over my feelings for you and seething with jealousy over Natalia, and you were writing notes about it all. Was all that flirting with her for this as well?’ I open his notebook and flick through the pages.
‘I never flirted with Natalia,’ he says. ‘I never did and never would. I will not cheat on you. Ever.’
‘No, you’ll just lie to my face about everything else.’
His shoulders sag. ‘I should’ve told you what I was working on,’ he says. ‘I was wrong to keep it from you.’
Shaking my head, I press my back deeper into the curtains until it hits the glass of the window.
The rising sun has warmed it and it’s comforting against the wave of emotions coursing through me.
‘I don’t believe you. Not about that or about your feelings for me.
I’ve seen proof of how you really feel.’ I turn to the pages on me again.
‘She has zero filter and seems to just say the first thing that comes into her head. Sometimes it’s so nonsensical, it’s comical. ’
I toss the notebook onto the sofa. ‘I’m glad I’ve been so entertaining.’
He snatches up the notebook. ‘You are seeing snippets of my thoughts on you. If you want to know how I really feel, keep reading.’ He thumbs through the pages. ‘Here. Read this.’
I cross my arms over my chest.
‘Fine,’ he says. ‘I’ll read it. Sabrina has this way of knowing exactly what I need to hear.
It’s like an instinct. When I’m so deep in my own head that I can’t see beyond the doubt, she’s there with a quip or a jab or a kind word.
Her voice is the one I seek in all the chatter.
I want to hear everything she has to say.
I wish she knew how much her words matter.
Maybe then she’d speak up around her family and they’d see what I see. Magic.’
He looks up from the page, eyes finding mine, his face flushed.
‘So now I’m going to get another lecture about finding my voice?’
‘Why do you think you’re able to speak freely around me?’
I shrug.
‘That’s not an answer.’
‘Because you annoy me,’ I snap. ‘And I don’t care if you know that you annoy me. I don’t care if you hate me. Or think I’m stupid. Or a failure.’
Except I do care. I care what he thinks about me so much that it hurts. And seeing what he truly thinks written out in his messy scrawl is like a thousand punches to the gut.
He moves in close, his hand finding my waist, setting my skin ablaze. ‘You speak your mind with me because you can. Because what we have is real.’ He squeezes my waist gently. ‘I want us to be together, Sabrina,’ he whispers, tilting my chin up. ‘I want this to work.’
Tears blur my vision as his lips cover mine. I feel myself slipping under the spell of his kiss, succumbing to his pretty words. But the lie that floats between us is ruining everything that has happened here.
Shaking my head, I pull away, my hands pressing his chest, pushing him.
‘It’s not real, though, is it? How can it be when this whole time you were keeping this from me.
’ My voice catches, teetering on the edge of tears.
‘If this was real to you, you would’ve told me what you were working on.
I asked you so many times and every answer you gave was a lie.
How am I ever supposed to believe a word you say now? ’
‘Sabrina.’
‘You lied to all of us so easily and used us all like…like lab rats. You called my mum manipulative.’
‘You’ve called her manipulative too,’ he says softly.
‘I’m allowed to! She’s my mother. But you have no right…’ I trail off as a tight knot lodges in my throat.
‘What you read barely scratches the surface of this book. Trust me when I say I won’t betray your family. Or you. Especially you,’ he says, his voice earnest, his eyes holding mine, imploring me to believe him.
‘Trust?’ I ask. ‘You’ve played me for a fool, Adam. I thought that being here with me was helping you break through your writer’s block, and I guess it was, but only because you were writing about me.’
‘I’m writing about me,’ he says again and scrubs a hand over his face. He tips his head back. ‘I was lost, stuck in my grief over losing my grandparents. I was drowning. Working on this has… it’s helped me find myself again.’ His eyes glisten as his pinkie finger stretches and loops through mine.
Swaying on my feet, I fight the urge to fall into him and let his words wipe away the broken shards of trust, but I don’t know if they’re enough. No matter what he says now, he can’t wipe away the lies he’s already spoken.
‘Sabrina.’ His finger squeezes mine.
‘I’m glad you’re healing,’ I say and swallow hard. I look over his shoulder, too scared to meet his eyes, in case I crumble. ‘But—’
‘Sabrina,’ he cuts me off and reaches for me.
‘Don’t do this. Don’t walk away because things got hard.
I know I kept things from you, and I regret that, but my feelings for you are real.
’ He leans in, his forehead coming to rest on mine, his hand cupping my cheek.
‘You’ve stolen my heart,’ he breathes into my lips.
I squeeze my eyes shut and lean into his palm.
My heart aches. If someone had told me a week ago, even a few days ago, that Adam Whittaker’s touch would not only be familiar, but something I’d crave, I would’ve laughed in their face.
Now, his touch is everything. Almost everything.
What I crave more is someone who doesn’t hide things from me.
I breathe in deeply and slowly open my eyes.
‘Do you remember when we talked about what my ideal boyfriend was like?’
His face falls, the fight draining from him as his palm slips from my cheek. Of course he remembers. If he can remember what I was wearing the night we met, he’ll remember my non-negotiables.
‘He is honest with me,’ I whisper. ‘All you had to do was tell me the truth when I asked you about that damn notebook.’
He winces as though I’ve landed a punch squarely on his jaw.
‘I just…I don’t know, Adam. I need to think. Away from you. You’re banned from today’s excursion,’ I say before shutting myself in the bathroom.
Yanking on the tap, I wait for the water to gush out before I allow a tear to slide down my cheek. I don’t know what to believe, what to think, what to do.