24. Chapter Twenty-Three Gloria
Chapter Twenty-Three: Gloria
A s we leave the karaoke bar hand-in-hand, walking back to London's car, London stops halfway to the parking lot, and spins me around to face him. I look up at him quizzically, tilting my chin back.
"What's up?" He's seemed off since we sang the Adele duet, but I assumed it was just because he hates karaoke.
"I…" He sucks in a deep breath, like he's about to dive into deep, murky waters. "Raina told me you hid your feelings from me for a long time, because of something my mom said or did."
My stomach drops. "London…"
I never intended for him to know about that incident at Thanksgiving so many years ago, not wanting to force him to choose between me and his family. I was so caught up in the rush of the honeymoon phase of our relationship, I let myself believe it didn’t mean anything. But it does.
"What did she do or say to you?" His voice is hard.
"It's not a big deal," I insist. "She's your mom."
She's his mom . No matter what he says, we only recently started dating.
How could I expect to compare to his family when his family is everything to him?
When he's the kind of guy who wakes up early on a Saturday morning to take his nieces horseback riding?
Who would attend family dinners every week no matter how busy his life gets?
Who would do his best to hold things together even when no one else in his family cares?
How could I tell him that something his family did hurt me?
And even if I told him, what would he do about it?
"No. Tell me, Gloria."
I cross my arms over my chest, and his hand drops from my elbow. "It was a long time ago. Can we change the subject, please?"
"What did she do?" His dark eyes are fiery, his jaw tight.
"She basically told me I'd never be good enough to date you," I say in a rush. “She raved about how amazing you are and about how no woman would ever live up to her standards for her favourite son.”
"Ria," he says. In the dim glow of the streetlights, he looks indignant that his mom would say such a thing to me. "She doesn't know what she's talking about."
I shrug, rubbing my hands over my arms even though I'm not cold. I'm just trying to keep from letting him touch me—because if he does, I'll break my carefully crafted self-control. "She raised you. Doesn't she know what she's talking about?"
"She didn't know anything about you. She doesn't know anything about you."
"But she knows you ," I say. I don't know why I'm insisting that his mom is right.
Maybe because deep down, I want her to be.
Part of me wants that to be the reason things don't work out between us—that we can say we tried but his family got in the way.
Because he might discover that I'm imperfect, unworthy of him checking off every box on my list, and leave instead. And that would break me.
"She thinks she does." He runs a hand through his hair, a muscle ticking in his jaw. "She thinks she knows what's best for me."
"She loves you," I say. I barely get the words out.
"And I love you !" he says. "I love you, Gloria Romero, and I'm not about to let anyone get between us."
"Even your family?" I say.
He's silent for a moment. "No, Gloria. Not even my family."
London's arms wrap around me, and my composure melts faster than an ice cube dropped into a pot of boiling soup.
"I'm sorry she said that to you," he murmurs into my hair. "You are so much more than enough for me. You're everything I've ever wanted, everything I didn't know I needed."
I want to believe his words. But I don't know if I can.
Walking into the McMann and Ma gym the next Saturday morning, to my surprise I spy Raina there, wearing a cute athleisure outfit despite her baby bump. Sasha is next to her, holding an iced matcha. Raina’s sipping from a water bottle, and her eyes light up when she sees me.
"Hey!" She practically skips over in her running shoes, Sasha close behind.
“Hey, guys. What are the two of you doing at my office gym?" I ask as we walk toward the locker room. I throw my stuff into a locker and lock it with the combination: London's birthday, April twenty-first.
Sasha answers first. “I was dragged here because Raina promised to make me an iced matcha. So now I have to fulfill my end of the bargain.”
"I bought a monthly pass because the doctor told me to do more yoga and Pilates in my third trimester," Raina says, making a face as she says the last two words.
She prefers Zumba or other cardio, as opposed to slower, more gentle workouts.
"Your gym has both of those classes, and I've been going stir-crazy these past few weeks with nothing to do while Kostas is working on his business. "
"Can I join you two?" I ask. I wanted to do a Zumba class, but I've never tried Pilates before. Plus, I'd love the chance to talk to my friends. Especially about the whole London situation and what happened last night.
"Of course!" Sasha says as the three of us walk together toward the Pilates studio.
We set up, grabbing mats, light pink dumbbells, and resistance bands, then wait for the instructor to show up.
"So, what happened last night after karaoke?" Sasha asks. She unfurls her yoga mat next to Raina’s, which is to the right of mine. "You and London seemed pretty into the duet. I have to say, he did a surprisingly good job of belting Adele."
I laugh at the memory despite what happened after that. "He did tell me he used to be in choir when he was in high school."
"Oh, London Boy’s choir background definitely shows." Raina laughs.
I repeat everything that London said on the way back to the car. “I’m not sure how to feel about it, still. His family…”
"He's a family man," Raina says.
"He'd give up anything for them. And I don't see how I can compete with that." I stare down at a piece of lint on my leggings. "His family sounds pretty toxic from what he's told me, but he’d still never give up on them or cut ties. I can respect that in a way, but…"
"You wish he wouldn't?" Sasha asks. "You wish he would give them up for you?"
"I don't want him to give his family up for me," I say automatically. "I would never ask him to give up anyone he loves for me."
"But what if both you and his family needed him at the same time?" Raina asks .
“I don’t know.” And that hurts more than anything.
She's about to say something more when the instructor enters the room and says, "Alright, who's ready for Pilates today?"
I lose myself in the movements as we warm up with a few stretches and light cardio, then move on to glute exercises with resistance bands. The instructor prompts us to 'feel the burn', which I do in muscles I didn't even know I had.
"This is almost as hard as horseback riding," I whisper to Raina.
She chuckles. "When did you go horseback riding?"
"With London," I say.
She waggles her eyebrows. "So, he's been checking off your boyfriend list?"
I bite my lip, having forgotten that I didn't tell her London knew about my list all along. "Something like that."
"More donkey kicks, less chitchatting in the back!" The instructor calls out, clearly targeting us with her command. "Next, we'll move on to clamshells…"
Everyone in the class groans as we do the next few exercises.
"I thought this was supposed to be easy," Sasha mutters under her breath as we take a water break halfway through the class.
I wipe sweat off my forehead, glad I had the foresight to bring a towel. "Me too."
It always looks easy and aesthetically pleasing when I watch people do it on Instagram and Pinterest. I should have known better than to trust aesthetic photos of women in matching legging and sports bra sets, who aren’t even breaking a sweat.
When the class is finally over, Sasha says goodbye, claiming she has a work appointment to run to.
Raina and I head back to the locker room to shower.
As we shower in side-by-side stalls, we continue our conversation.
Maybe it’s weird to talk in the shower, but Raina and I used to do that all the time as roommates.
"Are you nervous about becoming a mom?" I ask Raina.
She's silent, making me wonder if she heard me over the spray of the water. Then she speaks. "Mostly, I just wish I had my own mom here to see me having a baby. She would've been such an awesome grandmother, and I know she always wanted Leo to have kids so she could be an abuela ."
My heart twinges at the thought as I rinse conditioner out of my hair. "I'm sorry, Raina. I didn't mean to bring up a sad topic."
She chuckles. "You didn't. Having a baby is joyous and fun and exciting and all those things people say it is, it's just also… a lot."
I adjust the water temperature so it isn’t so cold. "Do you ever feel like people expect you to be more excited than you are? There's all this pressure to celebrate promotions or weddings or having a baby, and you don't even have time to process how fast your life is changing."
Raina lets out a deep sigh. "That's exactly how I feel right now. Yiayia and Skye and Leo are all buying baby clothes for me. I don’t even know if we're having a boy or a girl yet, and everyone's talking about baby names and I'm just wondering… What if I'm a horrible mom?"
We both shut off the water at the same time. "Aw, Raina, just the fact that you're asking that question proves that you couldn't be a horrible mom."
"But I don't want to just not be a horrible mom," she says, opening the stall door to grab her towel. "I want to make sure I don't mess up my child for life in all the little ways that you don't even realize you're doing. You know?"
I towel off and apply body lotion, thinking about the times my parents made me feel like I was second-best compared to Paulo and his accomplishments.
I know they love me and they're proud of me now, but part of me always questions whether it will be enough.
Whether the things I do are enough to make them happy, whether if I quit my job and started doing something less lucrative, they would be disappointed in me.
"I know what you mean." I take my second towel and twist my hair up to get it out of my face.
"I can think of a few ways our parents messed us up.
But there's no such thing as a perfect parent, Raina.
There's no 'perfect mom' manual or guidebook that will ensure you never mess up.
The important thing isn't not messing up; the important thing is that you keep trying. "
She sighs. "Ugh. Why do you have to say that? What about my perfectionist tendencies?"
I giggle, understanding her struggle all too well. "Sorry, Rain. Should I validate your perfectionist tendencies by saying there is a perfect parenting technique and you're failing because you haven't mastered it?"
"Yes. That makes me feel so much better." She pads out of the shower stall, her flip-flops smacking against the wet floor. "Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?"
I do a mental skim of my calendar. I could work, but even with my boss's thinly veiled 'encouragement' to work harder for the promotion, I don't feel like it. For once, I want to do what I want to do.
"Nope."
She grins. "Want to get lunch?"