ANTONY
Once things at home are settled, I insist we all restart therapy with Jason. The twins are doing much better, but I don’t want them to slip back into old bad habits of not sharing their feelings. Plus, I know once the baby is born, there’s bound to be some jealousy.
“How do you feel about having a little brother or sister?” Jason asks after we tell him the news.
“I’m excited. I can’t wait to have someone else to play with,” Aaron says immediately, a grin covering his face.
However, Elizabeth doesn’t reply with the same enthusiasm as her twin.
“What about you, Elizabeth?” Jason gently coaxes.
My daughter looks at me and Erin hesitantly.
“It’s okay, tell us how you feel,” I encourage.
“Will you love the new baby more than me and Aaron,” she asks, her lip quivering.
“What? No! Never. The good thing about being a parent is, your heart is filled with endless love, so no matter how many children you have, you’ll love them all equally,” I say.
“But what about Erin? She isn’t our mom, but she will be the baby’s mom?”
“Elizabeth, sweetie,” Erin begins, getting out of her seat and coming to sit in front of Elizabeth.
She takes my daughter’s hands in hers, and stares deeply into her eyes.
“I love you both with all my heart. Even before your Daddy and I got together, and made a baby, I loved you. Nothing will change that.”
“But you left once before,” Aaron says in a small voice.
“I know, and I'm sorry. It’s the thing I regret most, and I promise, no matter what happens in the future, I will never leave you again.”
“Even if Daddy makes you sad again?” Elizabeth asks.
“Even if Daddy makes me sad again. But Daddy and I are making a promise -- we’re going to get Jason’s help talking about our feelings, so we never make each other sad again.”
We finish up the session with advice from Jason on how to make the twins feel loved and secure in the coming months, as the pregnancy progresses, and when the baby comes. As we’re leaving, Antony books me and him in for a couple’s session the following week.
After leaving Jason’s office, we take the twins to the park and then for ice cream as their, “talking about their feeling,” treat.
“What Elizabeth said has got me thinking. I don’t think we’ll ever go through what we did before--”
I entwine my fingers with Erin’s. “I will do everything within my power to make sure we won’t.”
“I know, and I will too. But, well, you never know what might happen. I want to make sure, if anything did go wrong, that I’m always part of the twins’ lives. I want them to grow up knowing their brother or sister.”
“I want that too. We can discuss it next week with Jason, and then I’ll get in touch with my attorney.”
“Thank you. I’d like that.”
I raise our joined hands, and kiss Erin’s knuckles -- an unspoken promise that now I’ve got this second chance, I won’t make the same mistakes.
-----
The following week we’re back in at Jason’s office, only without the twins.
“I was happy when you booked couples sessions with me,” Jason says, as we all get settled. “It’s really helped Antony and the twins, and I know it can help you both before the baby comes along.”
Erin smiles. “That’s the plan. And I wanted to thank you for getting Antony to really look at his feelings.”
“He did all the hard work,” Jason insists. “I just gave him a nudge.”
“Still, I don’t think we would be here without your help,” I say.
“All part of the service,” Jason says. “Have the two of you talked everything through?”
“Somewhat.” I fill Jason in on what was said between Erin and I in New York.
“It’s a good foundation. I think it might be helpful if you both agree you made mistakes the first time around, but that you won’t hold a grudge now you’ve got this second chance.”
“I agree,” Erin says, glancing over at me. “The past is forgiven, and we’ve started anew.”
“That’s good to hear,” Jason says. “What’s important is you’re always honest with each other. It won’t always be easy at first, but in the long run, being honest makes relationships stronger.”
“I agree,” I say, before adding, “There’s something else we wanted to discuss. After the last session with the twins, Erin expressed her desire to make sure, no matter what happens between the two of us, she’s always in Aaron and Elizabeth’s lives.”
“An excellent idea. I was actually about to suggest the same thing. Stability is vital for them, especially once the baby comes. They need to feel secure and know you both still love them unconditionally.”
“Right,” Erin agrees. “That’s all I want, for Elizabeth and Aaron to know I love them unconditionally. They might not be my children by blood, but they’re still my babies.”
I grin. “I’ll call my attorney as soon as possible.”
-----
Later that evening, when the twins are in bed, and Erin and I are cuddled on the couch, I can’t stop thinking about what Jason said about stability, and the twins feeling secure and knowing we love them unconditionally.
I know it’s vital after everything we’ve been through, which is why I fully support the idea of Erin adopting them.
But it’s not enough. At least, not for me.
It isn’t just the twins who I want to feel secure.
After how I messed up with Erin, I don’t want to leave any doubt in her mind that I love her, and I’m committed to her forever.