AMBER
Iknow the doorbell is about to ring moments before it actually does, because Elsa starts dancing around the door, wagging her tail and vaping happily. She’s not a ‘chase the mailman’ type of dog. In fact, she thinks everyone who visits the house is here to see her. Often, she isn’t wrong.
“Calm down, you crazy thing,” I say, as I gently maneuver her into her crate, just so she won’t go barreling into whoever it is.
I’m still distracted by Elsa as I open the door, so for a moment what I’m seeing doesn’t register properly with me. Then my comprehension returns, and all I can do is stare in muted shock.
Tucker stands in front of me. In one hand he’s holding a massive Teddy Bear with a red bow, and in the other, the most ostentatious, over-the-top stroller I’ve ever seen. It’s even got gold plating on the wheels!
I stand there blinking rapidly, trying to make sense of the scene before me, when Tucker offers me a sheepish smile and asks, “So, can I come in?”
His voice snaps me back to reality, and all at once everything makes sense.
Caitlyn told him about the baby. Or more accurately, Caitlyn told Joshua, and then Josh told his brother. And now Tucker is here with a bear the size of a toddler, and a stroller that looks more at home in Long Island than it does in East Hampton.
I should have expected this really. Not the over-the-top stroller and giant bear, but Caitlyn telling Josh. It’s not like the pair of them keep secrets from each other. Even if it wasn’t Caitlyn’s secret to share.
Who am I kidding? Deep down inside I knew that by telling Caitlyn I was pregnant it would eventually get back to Tucker. Maybe that’s what I secretly wanted.
So, now he’s here, with useless gifts, what am I going to do about it?
“Well, I guess there’s no point denying it. You better come in,” I say, moving aside so Tucker can enter the house.
He leaves the bear and the stroller by the door and follows me through to the living room.
“Were you ever gonna tell me?” he asks, and the expression on his face startles me. I expected him to be angry, but instead he looks hurt and disappointed.
“Honestly? No.”
Tucker heaves out a sigh. “I don’t need to ask why. Listen, Amber, I know I keep fuckin’ up. It’s what I do. But when Josh told me, something clicked inside me. Something changed.”
I sigh too, because he’s trying, he really is. In his own Tucker way, he’s doing his best. But as I realized recently, Tucker might be the man I want, but he isn’t the man I need. And he certainly isn’t the father my baby needs.
“The fact you showed up here, without even calling first, and with those ridiculous presents, proves you haven’t changed. Not really.”
“What? I wanted to buy nice things for my kid!”
“A kid who is barely the size of a strawberry seed. They don’t need that stuff yet. They won’t for at least nine months. And even then, you didn’t consider me or my feelings.”
“I was trying to be helpful. I know I can’t offer much, but I have money--”
“Tucker, this was never about the money. Okay, so I’m not a billionaire, but I’m hardly scrimping and saving for every cent I can get. I own a business. I own a home. I don’t need your money. What I need is someone I can rely on, and you’ve proven time and again, you’re not the one.”
“Is this about the surfing practice?” Tucker asks, the volume of his voice rising. “The baby is important to me, but so is my career. You have to accept that.”
I sigh. He really doesn’t get it, does he?
“I’m not saying your career shouldn’t be important, but the fact you didn’t even mention you had practice the following morning, when you invited me to spend the night, shows I’m not a priority to you.
Just like you come here, unannounced. What if I was out?
Or busy? Listen, Tucker, I’m not saying you’re a bad guy.
I had fun with you, I really did. But you’re the guy to go for a good time.
If you wanna get drunk and do something wild. Not the guy to raise a kid with.”
“It’s my kid too,” Tucker grinds out, his earlier laid-back attitude fading.
“In as far as a sperm donor is a father, sure.”
I know it’s a low blow, but I need to shut this down right now, because deep down inside, part of me is so incredibly touched that Tucker is making the effort -- even if his choices were wrong, his heart was in the right place -- that part of me wants to accept him with open arms. But I know that can never happen.
I’m only setting myself up for heartache by doing that.
Tucker stands, all semblance of calmness vaporized by my last words.
“Is that all I was to you? A good time? A sperm donor?”
Tucker’s eyes blaze with an angry fire I’ve never seen before. It’s actually kind of scary.
“Come on, Tucker, don’t delude yourself.
We both know you’re not the settling down type.
Sure, you might think you want this baby now, when it’s easy.
When it’s all buying Teddy Bears and outrageous strollers.
But what about when it’s 2 a.m. and the baby won’t stop screaming?
What about when you can’t throw a crazy house party for fear of waking up your kid?
Are you telling me when the drugs and hot women are begging for your attention, you’re just going to turn you back on all that for a screaming, snotty, stinking kid?
Because that’s the reality, Tucker. And it’s not pretty. ”
“I could do it. For you. For us,” he mumbles, but he sounds so defeated, so dejected. The fight has left him, and as much as I want to believe his words, I know they’re not true.
He may think he wants that now. Hell, he might even want me. But it won’t be forever.
Nothing in Tucker Braddock’s world is forever.
Knowing he doesn’t get it, that he will never get it, and that we’re just going to keep going around in circles forever, I straighten my shoulders and adopt a firmer tone.
“You need to leave.”
Tucker looks up at me and blinks. “Is that what you really want?”
“Yes.” No.
What I want is for Tucker to prove to me he means what he says. But I have more chance of being cast as the next Spider-Man as I think of that happening.
Tucker stands, head bowed, looking like I’ve just kicked him in the guts and killed his puppy too.
“You can keep the bear and the stroller. They’re meant for the baby. If you don’t like them, you can sell them or whatever. I don’t care.”
I open my mouth to speak, but there’s no words to say, and all I can do is watch helplessly, as Tucker walks out of the living room, and then lets himself out of my house.
I stay standing in the center of the room, not moving, until I hear Tucker’s car pull away. That’s new. Has he really traded the bike for something more sensible? Unlikely. It’s probably a rental, or a cab or something.
Once I’m sure Tucker is gone, that’s when I let everything crash over me.
I collapse to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest, as sobs wrack my body. If I thought watching Tucker walk away the other day, when he visited me at the dog kennels, was heartbreaking, it’s nothing compared to the pain I’m feeling now.
It’s like my previously broken heart was hastily stuck back together with Elmer’s Glue, only for it to be ripped out of my body again and shattered once more. And then a giant stamped on those shattered pieces, grinding them down into the dust beneath its feet.
That’s what my heart is now. Dust.
-----
The next few days after Tucker’s visit are surprisingly quiet, and I worry it’s the calm before the storm, until I remember he will be flying out for his surfing contest in California soon, so I imagine all his focus is on that.
I feel bad that he had to find out about the baby the way he did and wish I could have kept it a secret longer. But there’s no way to turn back time. I just have to hope it doesn’t distract him from winning the surfing contest. I know how much it means to him.
For the first few days, Caitlyn doesn’t mention the pregnancy or Tucker. We don’t avoid each other -- that would be practically impossible given we work together -- but our friendship is strained and tense. It’s like there’s an invisible barrier between us. And I hate it.
I need my best friend.
During one of our breaks, I make us both mugs of hot chocolate, and settle cautiously on the break-room couch.
“I know you told Josh I’m pregnant, and that he told Tucker. I suppose you heard how Tucker came over to my place with a stroller and Teddy for the baby, and I made him leave.”
Caitlyn looks sheepishly at me over the rim of her mug. “I’m sorry. I thought I was helping. Even you were starting to realize you couldn’t keep the pregnancy a secret forever. And the moment I got home; Josh knew there was something going on. I couldn’t lie to him.”
I sigh. “I suppose this makes us equal for me telling Tucker you were pregnant, so Josh could rescue you from David.”
Caitlyn gives me a small smile. “And that all worked out in the end. Maybe you and Tucker can work things out, too?”
“Cait, you know he isn’t like his brothers.
Don’t you think that if I thought there was actually any chance that Tucker really meant what he said, I would have accepted his olive branch?
I know he means well, and he probably does think he wants to be a good dad.
But that’s now, while the baby isn’t even born yet, and things are easy.
A leopard doesn’t change its spots, and a guy like Tucker won’t just walk away from partying, drinking, doing drugs and getting laid.
Sooner or later, he will get bored, and move onto something new, and then my baby will be left without a father.
It’s best I don’t put them through that pain. ”
“Don’t you think I know what it’s like to have a dad walk out on you?
My dad left when I was three, or had you forgotten?
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish he would come back.
Even now I’m an adult. Hell, if he called me up tomorrow, I’d let him back in my life.
And I have never, not even once, wanted to erase the memories I do have with him.
Don’t Tucker and the baby at least deserve that?
Don’t they at least deserve a chance? Yes, it’s highly likely he’s gonna do what he always does, and move onto the next, new shiny thing.
But if there’s even the slightest possibility that he’s willing to change, that he’s willing to step up and be a good father, shouldn’t you take it? ”
I shake my head. “I can’t Cait. It will cause too much pain.”
“Cause too much pain to whom? You or the baby? Are you really trying to protect your child? Or are you trying to protect yourself from having your heart-broken again?”
Fire burns in my core. How dare she? Caitlyn of all people should know how I feel -- to have that maternal instinct to do anything to protect your child. And yes, I’m protecting myself too, but it’s the way it has to be. There’s no alternative.