AMBER
‘Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, and your ‘sperm donor’ comment. I’m the baby’s father and I will fight for custody when I’m back from California.’
My stomach clenches. I know Tucker is angry, and hurt, and acting on those emotions, but fuck it doesn’t make it any easier to read.
The pile of dust that used to be my heart shudders, and a few little specks roll down the pile, getting lost with the other debris laying around.
I need to sweep up my broken heart, and slowly mold it back together into something functional.
Especially as Tucker’s message swirls around and around in my mind along with what Caitlyn said to me the other day.
Who am I really protecting? Me? The baby? Both.
I don’t want my child growing up with a hot-and-cold dad. And even if Caitlyn says she’d never want to erase the good times her and her father had before he left, I can still remember my best-friend, crying into her pillow at sleepovers when she thought no one else was awake to hear.
But she isn’t wrong, either. I did push Tucker away to protect myself too.
God, I’m so weak. Just like with Cody. All it takes is a few nice words, a couple of empty promises, and my resolve is crumbling.
There was a moment there, when Tucker was at my place, when I was this close to believing what he said and running into his arms.
I want him, and I want to believe he means what he says. I want the happily ever after. I deserve the happily ever after.
But it’s such a risk. A risk to me. A risk to our child.
If Tucker can’t keep to his word, so many people will be left devastated.
Even if my child doesn’t grow up resenting Tucker being in and out of its life, will it grow up resenting the man who broke their mother’s heart?
And how am I going to be the best mother I can be, when I’m constantly fighting to pull my heart back together and get on with it.
I haven’t eaten for days and that’s nothing to do with the constant morning sickness, and everything to do with how utterly shattered I am over how things with me, and Tucker worked out.
I feel like shit on so many levels. I feel like shit because I really did have a good time with him, and maybe things could have been different -- perhaps we could have made a casual relationship work?
-- if I hadn’t found out I was pregnant.
And I feel awful for the things I said to him the last time we saw each other.
I knew exactly what I was saying and doing to hurt him, so he’d leave and never come back.
I didn’t mean it. Mostly. I really don’t think he is just a sperm donor or the guy you go to if you want a good time.
Tucker isn’t perfect. Far from it. But I know deep down, there’s a decent guy in there.
But I had to do what I did to protect me and the baby. Okay, I admit it. I’m protecting myself too. Even if that means making Tucker think I hate him and lumping him with all this shit when he has a huge surfing contest to attend.
I didn’t mean to do it so close to his trip to California. That’s just horrible timing.
But Pandora's box has been opened now, and I can’t take back all the hurtful things I said.
All I can do is move on … but to where?
Even though Tucker’s message was filled with venom, and I hope secretly in my heart he didn’t mean it when he said fuck you and called me a bitch, I know one thing is for certain.
He’s gonna fight for custody. He’s a Braddock. That’s what they do. They think they own the world. Honestly, I’m surprised Ryan hasn’t stormed over here, demanding I hand over his niece or nephew the moment they’re born.
And maybe Caitlyn is right. God, I hate to admit it.
But maybe I owe it to my child to at least try to have some sort of semblance of a relationship with Tucker.
I’m not saying I’m going to let him have even joint custody, but perhaps I can speak to a lawyer about visitation rights.
And maybe if and when Tucker proves he actually wants to be a decent father, I can start letting him have more responsibilities.
Those are the thoughts that consume my mind while Tucker is away in California, but thankfully, I have something amazing to distract me from them.
My first ultrasound scan.
Caitlyn had hers not too long ago and showed me the pictures.
They were amazing. I vaguely remember finding the old ultrasound scan picture my mom kept of me, but that was like twenty-odd years ago.
Technology has advanced so much since then.
And, as I’m seeing this reputable obstetrician that Caitlyn went to too, I know they’ve got all the best tech, including 3-D imaging.
I’m so excited.
Caitlyn insists on coming with me, and we take my car together to Southampton. My friend has warned me that the medical building looks more like a stately home than a medical center, and damn she isn’t wrong.
“Are you sure we’re in the right place?” I ask as we cross the parking lot.
Caitlyn loops her arm through mine and giggles. “This is the place. Amazing, isn’t it. And the spa Josh and I stayed in isn’t too far from here.”
Before my friend can launch into a detailed reminiscing session of her and Josh’s most-recent romantic getaway, we enter a reception area with marbled flooring and sleek furniture.
A woman behind the reception desk looks up, and when she sees Caitlyn, her smile turns into a frown.
“Caitlyn, I don’t have you scheduled for today. Is everything okay?”
Caitlyn offers the woman an easy smile. “Don’t worry, Shirley, I’m not here for me. My best friend, Amber, is pregnant too, so I referred her to Doctor Lennox.”
“Aww, how lovely that your babies will be close in age.” Shirley smiles and scans the computer screen for a moment. “Miss Henderson, I assume?”
“That’s me.”
“And do you have a urine sample, and your medical notes for your regular G.P with you?” Shirley asks.
“Yes, all here.”
“Perfect. Then please take a seat. Doctor Lennox will call you when she’s ready to see you. You’re her next patient, so you shouldn’t be waiting long.”
“Thank you.”
Caitlyn and I sit in the waiting room, and it’s only a matter of moments before Doctor Lennox calls me for the appointment.
Eager to avoid causing the doctor to worry thinking it’s Caitlyn here to see her, I stand and extend my hand.
“Hey, Doctor Lennox, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Amber Henderson, friend of Caitlyn Jackson. The moment she found out I was pregnant too, she recommended you to me.”
Doctor Lennox’s gaze moves over to Caitlyn for a second, and then she smiles.
“Well, it’s not the first time I’ve had best friends who’re pregnant at the same time.
I once had twins pregnant at the same time, too.
I assume, since Caitlyn is here with you, there isn’t some scandal with you both having the same baby daddy? ”
Caitlyn laughs and comes to stand beside me. “No, the only baby Josh is having is with me. Amber isn’t with her baby’s father; it was a one-time thing.”
Doctor Lennox looks at me sympathetically, but instead of passing judgment, she says, “Well, plenty of women have gone on to be excellent single mothers. There’s no reason you can’t, either.”
Doctor Lennox leads us into her office, and after we’ve both taken seats, she asks, “And how have you been feeling, Amber?”
“Not too bad. It helps that I have someone with me who’s going through all this too.”
Doctor Lennox smiles. “Yes, having a good support network is vital, so it’s good you and Caitlyn can compare notes and what not. So, do you have your urine sample and doctor’s notes with you, please?”
I hand them over, and Doctor Lennox tests my urine sample. After informing me that the protein levels are normal, she adds, “I’d like to take a blood sample, too, please. It will need to be sent to a lab for analysis, but we’ll call you in a few days with the results.”
I roll up my sleeve so that she can draw blood and offer the doctor my left arm.
Doctor Lennox slips my blood sample into a medical envelope, seals it, and writes my details on the front, then asks, “Do you have any questions or concerns?”
“Honestly, no. Caitlyn has filled me in on all the gory details, as it were.”
We all laugh, and then Doctor Lennox says, “Okay, if there’s nothing else, I’ll hand you over to our ultrasound tech, Nicki. But please, if anything changes, you start bleeding, or feel anything unusual, call me immediately.”
“Thank you. We will.”
Caitlyn and I leave Doctor Lennox’s office, and Nicki is waiting outside to take us to the ultrasound room.
Just like when Shirley saw us, for a moment Nicki looks worried, but I quickly explain who I am, and the situation, and just like the reception and doctor before her, Nicki expresses how nice it will be that mine and Caitlyn’s babies will be close in age.
As we enter the darkened room, Nicki says, “Just take off your shoes, and hop up there on the examination table. Caitlyn, you can take a seat nearby.”
I remove my shoes and get on the medical examination table like Nicki asks, and as I get into position it’s then that I realize when Caitlyn was in my place, she had Josh by her side.
If only things were different, and Tucker could be here.
I glance over at Caitlyn, trying not to let my light disappointment show, and instead just focus on the fact that at least I’m not doing this completely alone. I still have my best friend by my side.
“Can you lift your shirt up to just below your bra line, and push your pants down to your pubic line please?” Nicki asks, as she takes the medical probe and covers it in gel.
Then she spreads the gel on my stomach and starts rolling the probe around.
Caitlyn catches my eye, and I can see she’s watching the monitor in wonder.
Even though she’s been through this, I imagine the experience is different when she’s not the one being probed.
Glancing away from my best friend, I watch the monitor, completely mesmerized, as a picture of my growing baby appears on screen.
“Oh my god!” I exclaim, as tears fill my eyes.
Caitlyn squeezes my hand and whispers, “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
“It is,” I reply, but all I can think about is how I wish it was Tucker here instead of Caitlyn.
He deserves to see his baby for the first time, too.
That’s when it hits me. I don’t know if Tucker and I will ever be able to work things out between the two of us, but I owe it to him and our child, to at least try and facilitate them having some sort of relationship.
“Would you like a picture?” Nicki asks, as she finishes entering data into the computer.
“Can I get two, please?” I ask, and Nicki replies “Of course.”
Caitlyn catches my eye, and raises her brow, and I mouth ‘I’ll explain once we get back to the car.’
Nicki gives me two printouts of the ultrasound, and I tuck them into my purse, before me and Caitlyn head back through to the reception area, and I book an appointment with Doctor Lennox for when I reach twenty weeks.
The moment we’re outside, Caitlyn grabs my hand, a triumphant grin on her face. “The other picture is for Tucker, isn’t it?”
I smile and nod my head. “Yes, but don’t go getting ahead of yourself. I’m not expecting anything. All I’m doing is offering an olive branch. I’m willing to give him visitation rights, and that’s it. If he proves himself, then in the future we can discuss shared custody.”