TUCKER
“That’s the last of it,” I say, as I place down the box full of Elsa’s belongings. The chow-chow bounds around me, her tail wagging happily.
I reach out to fuss the dog behind the ear. Since Amber and I have been spending more and more time together, I’ve grown to love the puppy, and I think the feeling is mutual. When I asked Amber to move in with me, there was no doubt that Elsa would be joining us too.
I head upstairs, Elsa following me, to where Amber is unpacking her clothes in the bedroom.
She looks up at me and smiles. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is perfect.” I feel like I’ve been smiling more recently than I have my whole entire life up until this point. I’m smiling so much, in fact, that my face aches.
I kneel down next to Amber and help her unpack. “Have you had any thoughts about which room you’d like for the baby?”
“Yeah, I’d love the little one to grow up with a sea view. I know he or she is going to adore the ocean just as much as their father does.”
“Sounds good to me. And we can start decorating soon. I’m glad you mentioned the ocean, because I actually had an idea.
” I pull out my phone and show Amber a picture I found online.
It shows an ocean nursery, with blue-green walls, sandy colored furniture, and decals of sea animals on the wall. “What do you think?”
Amber giggles and pulls her own phone out of her pants pocket. She brings up a picture and shows it to me with a grin.
It’s the exact same picture.
We both laugh. “Great minds, eh?” I say, pulling her into my arms.
Amber snuggles against me, and I stroke my hand over her stomach.
It’s still too early in the pregnancy for her to be showing yet, but I like having this connection with the baby.
As our twenty-week scan draws closer and closer, I can’t help but wonder if we’ll have a boy or a girl.
Honestly, I’ll be happy either way. I never imagined myself becoming a father -- I thought I was too fucked up to have kids -- so now that I’m about to, I’m enjoying every moment.
Elsa bounds over and joins us, not wanting to be left out on the family snuggles, and she lays her head in my laps, as Amber scratches behind her ears.
Once everything is unpacked, we head downstairs and order takeout for dinner, and then have an early night. We’re both exhausted from moving all of Amber’s things in, and I have an early start the following morning, as it’s the first day the surf school will be open.
I’m both excited and nervous.
I have bookings secured for the next three months, with a waiting list of people to contact after that period.
Despite everyone’s words of encouragement, I’m still worried something is going to go horribly wrong. That I’m going to let everyone down somehow.
Even though I'm tired, I stare up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, as a million horrible scenarios play through my mind, all of which ending with Amber leaving me and Ryan telling me what a failure I am.
Obviously sensing my tension, Amber snuggles closer and runs her hands down my back. “Everything will be okay tomorrow, Tuck”
I chuckle at the fact I’m so easy to read and pull her into my arms. “What if something goes wrong, and everyone cancels their bookings?”
“Not gonna happen. You’ve put in too much hard work over the last few weeks for something to go wrong.”
I sigh and rake my hair. “I’m just so scared of letting everyone down … you, Ryan, the baby.”
“You could never let me and the baby down. We’re so proud of you,” Amber assures me, pressing her lips to mine. “And I know Ryan is too. The two of you have come so far in the past few weeks. You just have to believe in yourself, Tucker, like I believe in you.”
Knowing that Amber believes in me, and that I will always have her support eases some of the tension in my chest, and with her arms wrapped around me, I manage to drift off into a peaceful sleep.
-----
I wake up early the following morning to an empty bed, and worry for a moment, before I catch the scent of bacon and eggs cooking.
I know Amber sometimes likes to get up early to walk Elsa while the beach is still quiet, and figure she decided to make breakfast afterwards.
I climb out of bed, ready to start my first day as a surfing instructor.
After a quick shower, I get dressed and head downstairs to find Amber serving up bacon and eggs.
“You didn’t have to go to all this trouble,” I insist, as I settle at the table, and pour myself a cup of coffee.
“It’s no trouble,” Amber says, leaning in to kiss my cheek, as she lays a plate of food in front of me. “I woke up early with the baby pressing on my bladder and decided to get started on the day.”
“Everything okay?” I ask, unable to keep the worry out of my voice.
Whenever Amber mentions the baby, my first instinct is to be scared something terrible has happened.
Life is so good right now, and part of me still expects it all to be swept away at a moment’s notice.
It’s something I'm working on with my therapist, but it still takes time. Amber smiles.
“Relax Tucker, the baby is fine. Just very active today.”
Over the last couple of weeks, Amber has felt the baby moving around more and more.
At first, she said it felt like she had butterflies in her stomach, or something, but now the movements are becoming more clearly kicks and punches, as our child gets used to its growing body.
I haven’t felt anything yet though, and I long for the moment I get the first hint of life from the baby.
Even though Amber gave me a picture of her twelve-week scan, it still doesn’t feel quite real yet.
“Oh, there they go, using Mommy’s insides as a punching bag,” Amber says, though she’s smiling. “Come feel.”
I get up from my place at the table, and cross to Amber, then lay my hand on her rounded stomach. The other times she’s invited me to feel the baby moving, I haven’t noticed any difference, but this time, I feel a distinct pressure against my palm, as though a tiny hand or foot is pushing back.
“I feel it!” I say, a grin covering my face, and tears filling my eyes.
Amber lays her hand over mine and stares down into my eyes. “I love you, Tucker.”
“I love you too.” I press a kiss to her lips, then one to her stomach, before Elsa bounds over demanding our attention.
After giving the dog some fuss too, it’s time for me to leave for my first day at work.
“I’ll drop by at lunchtime,” Amber says, as she follows me to the front door to see me off. Elsa stands beside her, baking in approval.
I wave, and then make my way down the block to the beach hut-turned-office building Ryan recently bought for me.
I open up the doors to the building to let the sun and sea air in, and check I have everything ready for my first client.
I have a large desk that holds all my important documents, including a diary where all appointments are written down.
My very first client is a teenager named Mark, whose mother let me know Mark has been struggling with bullies and self-esteem issues, and she hopes that by properly learning something he’s always been interested in -- surfing -- he can build some self-confidence.
-----
I’m closing up the surf school building when I sense someone approaching, and glance up to see Ryan.
He offers me a smile. “How did your first day go?”
I return his smile, and say, “Really well. My first client, Mark, loved it out. I really think I can make a difference to that kid. Then after lunch, I had an older couple booked in. I’m surprised how agile they were.
And the phone was practically ringing off the hook.
I’m going to have to hire a secretary, I think, to handle all the bookings.
I’ve got people wanting lessons six months from now. Can you believe it?”
Ryan grins and claps me on the back. “Of course, I can, you’re very good at what you do.”
I grin back. Since starting therapy, me and Ryan have been a lot more open with each other and have managed to work out our issues.
He even confided in me that the reason he was always so hard on me was because I reminded him of himself at the same age, and he was worried I’d make the same mistakes he did.
But he’s assured me I have to live my own life -- and make mistakes if that’s what’s on the cards -- but that he’ll always be here for me.
“I’m proud of you,” he says, as we walk up the beach, and head in the direction of my place. “I know Mom and Dad would be too.”
Hearing that means a lot to me. “Thanks, Ryan.”
“Do you and Amber want to join me and Alicia for dinner tonight?” My brother asks, as we reach my house.
I let him in, and we settle at the breakfast bar.
“Thanks, but some other time, yeah? I wanted to visit Mom and Dad tonight,” I admit, taking two bottles of water out of the fridge. I hand one to Ryan and add, “I was going to ask Amber to come with me.”
Ryan smiles and nods his head in understanding.
“Yeah, it would be nice for her to meet them, as it were,” he agrees.
“I took Alicia last weekend, and we told them about the baby. It never stops hurting that they’re not here to see all their grandchildren, but I know, without a doubt in my mind, that they’d be proud of the men we’ve all become. ”
I offer him a small, slightly sad smile. “Yeah, I know they would be too. And A lot of that is thanks to you. We couldn’t have gotten through it without you.”
Ryan wraps his arms around me in a strong embrace, but before either of us can get too emotional, Elsa bounds into the kitchen, announcing she and Amber are home from the dog kennels.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Ryan says, breaking the embrace and bending down to stroke Elsa behind the ears.
Amber comes into the kitchen, and seeing me and Ryan, he eyes widen for a moment.
“Hey Ryan,” she says hesitantly.
He looks up and offers her a wide smile. “Hey Amber. Everything good?”
Amber’s shoulders relax and she says, “Yes. Did Tucker tell you he felt the baby move this morning?”
My brother turns to me, grinning. “It’s an amazing experience, isn’t it?”
“I smile back.” It sure is.
After Ryan leaves, Amber and I make dinner, and then I ask her if she will come to the cemetery with me.
“Are you sure you want me to come?” Amber asks.
I reach out to take her hand. “There’s no one else I’d rather have by my side.”
Amber smiles, and we head out to the car. On our way to the cemetery, we stop off at a florist, and I buy some flowers for my parents.
Taking Amber’s hand, we walk silently through the peaceful and neatly kept cemetery, until we come to my parents’ double plot. A twin headstone made from marble marks the top of their graves, and is inscribed with:
In loving Memory of
James and Marie Braddock
Who are Deeply Missed By Their Five Sons
Seeing my parents’ graves is never easy, but with Amber by my side, it’s easier than it has been before.
I lay the flowers down in front of the headstone, and then kneel down beside it to speak to them.
“Hey Mom and Dad. It’s Tucker. The first day of the surf school went well. I wish you could have been there.”
I feel tears prickle my eyes, and Amber lays her hand comfortingly on my shoulder.
I swallow the lump in my throat and continue. “I felt the baby move today. Amber’s twenty-week scan is soon. She’s with me now, and I know you’d love her as much as I do.”
I gaze up at Amber, whose eyes are also shimmering with tears, and offer her a small smile.
The sound of a bird whistling catches both of our attention, and we look up at a nearby tree, where a pair of male and female cardinals sit, grooming each other. One of the male’s red feathers falls, landing directly by the flowers I bought from my parents.
“Some might say that’s a sign,” Amber says wistfully. “Isn’t there a folklore belief cardinals represent loved ones who’ve passed on. And those look like a mated pair.”
I don’t believe in superstitions or the like, but the thought that my parents are watching over me, approving of the man I’ve grown into, brings me comfort.
“Could be,” I say, climbing to my feet, and offering Amber my hand.
With the woman of my dreams by my side, and a baby on the way, I can finally look to the future with no regrets.