Chapter 28
I take two quick steps out of the bathroom and toss the recorder under the bed as I yell out:
“Yeah, I’m here, one second!”
When I open the door, the caretaker, Anna, is standing outside.
“I hope I didn’t wake you up?” She frowns, a look of concern on her face.
“No, of course not.” I shake my head and, remembering my lie from earlier, put my hand over my lower stomach. “I’ve just been doing breathing exercises. Trying to work through the pain.”
“Can I come in?” Anna asks.
She’s holding a small white paper bag and a bottle of water. Her white-blond hair is down, pulled out of its usual ponytail, the blunt edges of it brushing against her linen-clad shoulders.
“Sure.” I step back from the door.
“Are you sure you weren’t asleep?” Anna asks, walking into the cabin and looking around. “I thought I heard you talking. I figured you were dreaming.”
She turns around, staring at me.
“I was just, uh…” I go for an embarrassed smile. “I was talking to myself. It’s stupid, I know. I do it sometimes, when I’m alone.”
Anna shakes her head.
“No, it’s not stupid at all!” she exclaims. “I do it too. Last year, I was on my own for, like, months, and I kept talking to myself just to keep myself company. I think it was just because I was so used to having someone around, you know? After my ex left me, it got really lonely. I was so used to having someone to talk to, so I just started talking to myself instead.”
“Yeah, exactly.” I exhale.
“I was just … I’m sorry, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I was worried you had someone in here.” Anna smiles, not un-sheepishly.
“What? Why?” I’m bemused.
She makes a face.
“Well, you know, it’s stupid, but there are rules against fraternizing. Sexually, I mean.”
“Oh.” I finally understand what she’s getting at. “No, no one is here. Just me.”
“Well, I wouldn’t tell.” She winks at me. “It’s a silly rule, really. I mean, this place is supposed to be all about love, right? Who’s to say when you meet the right person?”
“Well, not to worry. The clientele doesn’t exactly swing in the direction of my orientation.” I shrug.
Anna smiles.
“Well, Katarina told me you weren’t feeling well, you poor thing,” she says. “I thought I’d come by and give you some painkillers.”
She holds up the white bag.
“Belinda put a little goody bag together for you,” she continues. “A couple of paracetamol, and a sleeping pill, if you want to take a nap. I told the doctor you won’t be able to make your individual therapy session this afternoon.”
I reach out and accept the bag, opening it and looking in. Just as she told me, there’re two 500-milligram pills of paracetamol in there, still in the packaging, and a small, round pill which, when I pick it up, says zolpidem.
“Zolpidem?” I read out loud. “I’ve never heard of this.”
“It’s like Ambien,” Anna says. “Fast acting. It should get you a few hours of decent sleep. I usually try to nap through my cramps.”
I look up at her.
“Don’t you need a prescription for this?”
“I don’t think so.” Anna shrugs. “Martina has a stash in her office. For patients who can’t sleep. Like you. I’m surprised Belinda didn’t offer you any last night.”
“Me too.” I look at the pill again.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it.” Anna turns to go. “Sweet dreams, and so on. I hope you feel better.”
“Wait, hold on a second.” I drop the pill back into the bag and look up.
Anna stops.
“What’s up?” she asks me.
“Are you ever…” I try my best to sound calm, cool, and collected. “Okay, I hope I’m not offending you here, but you don’t seem like you’re … all in on Martina’s practices.”
Anna grimaces. It’s small, and seemingly involuntary, barely more than a twitch.
“I know you’ve only been here for a few weeks,” I say. “But have you heard anything about patients … getting hurt? Or … going missing?”
“Going missing?” Anna becomes very still. “What do you mean by that?”
“I … well, I heard about someone coming here for treatment and not coming back.” I choose my words as carefully as possible. “I was just wondering if you might have heard anything about her.”
“What was her name?” Anna’s voice sounds different, in some way I can’t put my finger on.
“Susannah,” I say. “Susannah Wallin.”
A beat. She stares at me.
Hope flares in my stomach.
Then she shakes her head.
“Never heard of her.” Anna makes a face. “Sorry.”
“Yeah, I figured as much.” I do my best not to show my disappointment. “But you haven’t heard anything else? About anyone else getting hurt, or … leaving?”
“No.”
I’m not sure if I imagine the hesitation in her voice.
“Don’t take this the wrong way.” Anna is looking at me like I’m a puzzle, and she can’t find any of the corner pieces. “But why would you come here, if you’d heard that people had gone missing? That seems like a very strange thing to do.”
I need to backpedal, and fast. I got overexcited, took too big of a risk; I have to laugh it off now, make it seem like nothing, or she might bring it up with Belinda, or Martina, and whichever one of them left that note might decide that a note wasn’t enough of a deterrent.
“God, I’m sorry.” I laugh, going for embarrassment. “It’s the hormones. I get really weird when I’m hormonal with the cramps and the exhaustion and everything … yeah. I mean, I figured it was just a weird story. I guess the intensity of group therapy today just really got to me.”
I silently apologize to my foremothers for blaming my idiocy on my period.
“Just … would it be okay to keep this between us?” I ask her. “I feel really stupid for even asking. I don’t want Martina thinking I’m running around seeing ghosts.”
“Don’t worry.” Anna holds out her pinkie, and I grasp it with my own, finding it oddly charming. I haven’t done a pinkie swear since I was a kid.
“Your secret is safe with me,” she adds, and winks.
As she goes, closing the door behind her, I sit back down on the bed, dropping the paper bag onto the floor.
That’s the second time today I’ve messed up.
It’s so much harder than I expected to find the right balance, to ask questions without raising suspicion, to gather information without getting caught.
I reach in under the bed for the recorder, but my attention is caught by the paper bag.
It looks innocent, crumpled up on the floor. But when I pick it up and open it again, the pill seems to be staring at me.
Zolpidem.
“It’s like Ambien.”
I’m no expert, but I know enough—you definitely need a prescription for Ambien. In a flash, I see Pernilla’s sluggish movement yesterday, Leyla’s empty, drowsy face after the break.
And I think of all those endless cups of tea, strewn all over the clinic. We’re offered tea with breakfast, during therapy, after lunch; always herbal mixtures, always with a slightly strange flavor and a chalky residue left in the bottom of the cup.
I think about my own strange feelings during therapy. The way I’ve felt dizzy, and powerless, and suggestible.
Maybe Martina decided that the force of her sheer personality wasn’t enough.
Maybe, at some point, she decided to give us all a little chemical help on our way toward our “better selves.”
r/ActuallyLesbian
How to know if you are in an abusive relationship?
posted by: u/throwawayduckling123
22:16 07/02/2023
I’m 29F, in a relationship with 28F since a few months back.
I thought we were really happy. We had what I guess they call a “whirlwind romance.” I’ve never really been in a relationship before, and it just felt intoxicating to be with someone who seemed to like me so much.
I’ve felt really lonely since my mom died. I don’t know if that’s relevant or not. I don’t have a lot of friends, or any, really, and no family. I guess I always felt kind of … broken. And when I met my girlfriend, it made me feel whole.
But in the last few months, it feels like everything has been going wrong. She keeps getting really upset with everything I do and saying that I’m doing it on purpose to hurt her. I’m not very smart, and I know I’m bad with people, so I’ve been trying to be better, but nothing I do seems to work.
I posted in another subreddit a couple of months ago, trying to get advice on how to get better and be a better partner, and there they told me I was being abused.
I didn’t see it at all, and I thought it was just that they couldn’t see the whole picture, and couldn’t see how hard I am to live with.
But then yesterday, we had a fight, and my girlfriend grabbed me really hard. I got scared. It was only for a second, and then she let go.
She left bruises. I saw them this morning.
My mom always told me to never stay with a man who hit me.
That I should always leave the first time it happened, no matter what.
But I don’t know if that applies here. If I was with a man, he could really hurt me, because he would be stronger than me.
I feel like it’s different with a woman.
I said maybe we should take some time apart, but she said she wouldn’t be able to live without me, and I got scared.
I don’t want her to get hurt, or to hurt herself.
I don’t know if I’m just overreacting. I know I do that a lot.
She has good qualities, too. So many. And I think she’s genuinely trying to help me, and trying to make this work.
She’s really into psychology. She even suggested we go to this therapy clinic together.
Maybe I should just go? Maybe if we went together, the psychologist could help us work it out?
It’s out in the woods. If I could get some time off work, maybe it would help. Maybe it could be just what we need.
I don’t know. I’m just so confused. I feel bad even writing this, like I’m telling on her. If she could read this, there are so many things she could tell you that I’ve done. She thinks I might be a narcissist. Maybe she’s right.
7 upvotes
4 comments
u/SapphosRoommate—23:11 07/02/2023
First of all, abuse can absolutely happen in relationships of any gender. It doesn’t matter whether she’s physically stronger than you—women can abuse men, too. It’s about power, and it does sound like you are being abused. I am so sorry.
Second of all, absolutely do not go to therapy with your girlfriend. Abusers can manipulate psychologists to their advantage.
Thirdly, she threatened suicide when you implied you wanted to leave. A threat of violence against herself is still a threat of violence. I don’t think you are safe with this person.
Sadly, the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave.
u/PapadomBaby—23:31 07/02/2023
seconding what Sappho said above (love your username btw).
i was in an abusive relationship in college, huge age difference and power differential, and when i waned to break up she insisted we see a counselor together.
it was horrible. it just gave her all these new tools to punish me.
whenever i tried to stand up for myself, she would call me toxic, or say that i was retraumatizing her, and i would end up staying and comforting her. look up darvo.
u/SapphosRoommate—23:47 07/02/2023
I’m so sorry that happened to you. And yes, OP, please look up “DARVO.” It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim & Offender. See if it sounds familiar. Based on what you wrote about your girlfriend calling you a narcissist, it sounds like she might be doing exactly that.
u/MedusaInChains—23:21 07/02/2023
Is no one else worried about this retreat??? Do not go anywhere with her. It could be ANYTHING. Who knows if you’d even come back?? It’s literally in the woods. What kind of therapy happens in the woods? This sounds like a horror movie.