Chapter 39
I spring from my chair the moment the door closes, and I put my arm around Katarina. She’s shaking, the muscles in her thin shoulders tense like springs, as though she’s about to fall apart. Or explode.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
Leyla has joined up at the other side of her, and I see, to my surprise, that Pernilla has stood up as well, wringing her hands, her face white and drawn.
Katarina shakes her head.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” she murmurs. “I shouldn’t have … I shouldn’t…”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Leyla grasps Katarina’s hand lightly in her own.
Katarina looks over at Leyla, and the sight of Leyla’s calm, steady gaze seems to soothe her.
“You don’t mean that,” Katarina says.
“I do,” Leyla says. “What she did was horrible. There’s no excuse for it.”
When Pernilla speaks up, we all start in surprise; her voice is low and, for the first time I’ve heard it, unsure.
“Surely she shouldn’t be … doing that,” Pernilla says, hesitating, seeking reassurance and landing on Leyla.
“Telling the rest of us what we’ve shared in private. That can’t possibly be how it’s done?”
“It’s not.” I stand up. “It’s not how it’s done. It’s illegal. And immoral. It’s wrong on every level.”
“When she … well, I thought she was helping.” Pernilla’s eyes are drawn to Clara, the only one still sitting.
“It felt … good in the moment.” Pernilla is speaking slowly, seeming to feel her way through.
“But after, I felt … well, it felt horrible. Dragging everything I’d said out like that, without asking me first. And making me …
or, rather, encouraging me. To say those things to you.
” This last part she addresses to Clara, who’s looking at her without speaking.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” The apology is choked but sounds sincere.
Clara’s lips pinch together for a moment. But then she says:
“No. Don’t be. It’s the Hastings Method. You were doing it to foster growth.”
Leyla raises her eyebrows, and I say:
“Come on, Clara, you can’t actually believe that. Not still.” I gesture to Katarina. “I mean, look at her,” I say, and then I direct a quick “Sorry” to Katarina.
“Don’t worry,” Katarina says.
“Does this seem right to you?” I ask Clara. “Does this seem like the actions of someone who is trying to help anyone? Leyla is right. This isn’t what therapy is supposed to be like. Whatever is going on here isn’t healing or helping anyone.”
Clara shakes her head, crossing her arms, much like Martina crossed her arms earlier. “You guys just aren’t committed enough,” she says. “Growth isn’t always pleasant. It’s not easy. You have to do the work.”
“Fuck the work,” Leyla exclaims. “This isn’t work, this is torture.”
Clara rolls her eyes. “Please,” she says. “If you knew how much research had gone into the method, you wouldn’t be questioning it. You’re all just scared.”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to be scared in therapy.” Katarina is speaking very quietly but loud enough to be heard.
“Listen, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” There is just a hint of remorse in the tilt of Clara’s head, in the pause before she continues.
“I didn’t mean to say anything that would offend you, or anything. But the Hastings Method requires radical honesty between peers.”
“But we’re not peers,” Pernilla chimes in.
“Well, of course you would say that.” Clara rolls her eyes. “You think you’re so much better than the rest of us.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Pernilla says, and she actually sounds wounded.
“I just meant … Dr. Martina isn’t treating us like we’re peers.
She goes on about how we are supposedly in the same boat, saying that we all have something to learn from each other, but she’s pitting us against each other. ”
“Some of us haven’t made it much of a challenge for her,” Leyla mutters, and Clara’s eyes widen; she stares at Leyla, radiating hurt feelings.
“I can’t believe you’d say that to me,” Clara says. “After—”
“Well, it’s the truth.” Leyla shuts her down.
“Yeah, it’s always the truth with you.” Clara stands up, spreading her arms wide. “What, like you’re not doing what you always do? Don’t you see? You’re all just repeating old patterns! You’re doing exactly what she said you’d do!”
“Wait.” I hold up my hand. “Did you tell Martina? About me?”
“Yeah.” Clara’s laugh is tinted with hysteria. “Because everything is about you, Isobel. You’re the most important person in the world, right?”
“No,” I snap. “Stop pretending. Repeating old patterns. Are you working with them? With her? Is that why you were out last night?”
“You’re fucking crazy.” Clara shakes her head. “You’re a mess.”
“Sure,” I agree. “But answer my question. Are you in on it? Whatever it is that they’re doing here?”
“What are you two talking about?” Pernilla exclaims, throwing her hands wide.
“I don’t know!” Clara says.
I turn to the others.
“There is something really wrong with Himlafall,” I start.
“With the Hastings Method, and with the staff, and with Martina. It’s not just what she’s doing to us in here.
Weird stuff has been happening the whole time we’ve been here.
A patient went missing from here nine months ago, and I think they covered it up.
I think something happened to her here. And it might be happening again.
Stuff has disappeared from my cabin. Someone’s gone through my stuff.
And I got chased by someone last night in the woods.
They followed me out there, and I heard them talking about the last woman who went missing. ”
“Wait, why were you in the woods?” Leyla crosses her arms. “What were you doing out there?”
“It’s a long story,” I say. “But I had my reasons. And I wasn’t the only one out there.”
I turn my head, looking at Clara.
“Clara was out there, too.”
Clara smiles, small and tight. She looks around at the rest of us.
“I don’t know why she’s trying to freak you all out like this,” she says, “but I think there’s something you should know.”
“Clara—” Leyla starts, a warning note in her voice, but Clara just keeps talking over her.
“Isobel isn’t who she says she is. She’s a journalist. She’s been here this whole time, lying about who she is, listening to all your secrets for a fucking article she wants to write.”
The others turn and stare at me. I put my hands up.
“Listen,” I begin.
“What the—?” Pernilla draws up, every syllable clipped and furious.
The door swings open and hits the opposite wall. Martina is standing there, holding a tray of cookies, Anna right behind her with a teapot and a stack of mugs.
“Ready to continue?” Martina asks, as the wind makes the windows shake in their frames.
198k likes
doctormartinahastings A year of planning, countless hours of sweat, blood (sometimes literal!), and tears, and now I finally get to say what I’ve been dreaming of saying for almost eighteen months: The Himlafall Clinic is finally open.
I’m not ashamed to tell you all that I cried when the contractor called (shoutout to @mikkelrasmussen for helping me make my dreams come true!) to tell me that everything was, finally, ready to go.
When I started this project, I wanted to create something that had never been done before.
I wanted to fuse my years of research, of practice, of psychology and philosophy and spirituality, into something completely new.
A place where women could go to heal their inner children, to learn how to love themselves and love others, and to value their own inner voices.
In short: I wanted to create a place where we would treat our patients so well, they would never settle for anything less than what they deserve ever again.
And now it’s here. It’s reality. I still can’t believe it. (I actually woke up last night from a nightmare where I dreamed that they had found snakes in the pond … how very Freudian of me.)
In just a couple of weeks, we will open our doors to our first batch of patients. We already have a monthslong waiting list, and I am so honored by that fact. Your belief, your trust, and your patience got us here. Together, we are going to change the world.
Together, we are going to mend each other.
If you are interested in starting your healing journey with us at the Himlafall Clinic, you can go to the link in my profile to sign up for the waiting list. The criteria for admittance are all listed in the form, and we are open to anyone who identifies as a woman and has a broken heart.
If you want to follow along on our journey, or learn more about the Hastings Method, you can sign up for my newsletter, Musings with Dr. Martina (link in profile), where we discuss everything from the healing power of rage to how to tackle dating with an intentional mindset.
Please, come join our community of over 20,000 like-minded women, where we grow and evolve together.
Tonight, I will be celebrating the culmination of all our hard work with a special bottle of champagne, delivered to me by @weeklywines!
Every bottle at Weekly Wines is organic and handpicked by their award-winning sommeliers, and right now, you get 15% off when you sign up for their weekly delivery service and use code “DoctorMartina.” Whether you’re celebrating a win or drowning your sorrows, wine is there to help.
4189 comments
mmmmarie001 you are amazing!!! I wish I could go but sadly im still married, haha!!
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clarabellavida Are you hiring? I don’t have a degree in psychology but I’ve read a lot about it and I am so passionate about helping people!! I would love to work with you. I’ve read all your books twice and I really look up to you.
susiew oh my god!! congratulations! i signed up for the waitlist, i didn’t get a spot yet but i can wait.
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