Chapter 26
My head is all over the place following Rory’s departure. I find myself checking my phone every five minutes and spend an unhealthy amount of time hovering around the bins, to see if a message will pop through. But, so far, nothing.
I’ve never been one for moping around. Even when Seb cheated on me, I lost my job and felt like my world had imploded, I started to make my escape plans.
But this feels different. Even though Rory’s away, I feel like I’m surrounded by him.
Pete whistles away in the shop next door, while I catch sight of Finlay taking Piper up the hills for a walk.
Every time the bookshop door opens, I expect to see Rory popping through for a chat, or a rant, or a cuppa.
I miss him already.
By the morning of the wedding, I am contemplating a trip to Inverness, to halt the wedding just to take the handsome groomsman off their hands and claim him as my own.
I’m in countdown mode, wondering when the ceremony will finish, where the pictures are being taken and when Elle will take her chance to drop her love bombshell on Rory.
It is the perfect night for The Next Chapter support group and, desperate for company, I’m ready to welcome everyone with open arms. I won’t even care if Margaret complains that the toilet’s not flushing.
I’m in good company too. Eilidh is glued to her phone as she arrives, awaiting updates from Mark. She eventually agreed to the boys travelling abroad to Spain and has come along to the bookshop early, for some company, to keep her mind off things. She curls her long red hair around her fingers.
‘You’re almost as bad as me,’ she says as I hover with my phone in the air near the bookshop’s front door. ‘I just want the text that says they’ve arrived safely. What are you hoping for?’
‘A bloody miracle,’ I say, explaining the whole situation to Eilidh, from start to finish.
‘No way, so Elle was talking about Rory?’ she says. ‘Are you sure? I don’t even remember them being together. It can’t have been for long. Maybe she has more than one ex at the wedding?’
‘I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t going to be Rory. But that would be a pretty big coincidence. And he “forgot” to tell me he was going to a wedding. Who forgets to tell someone something that significant?’
‘He’s been single for a long time,’ Eilidh reasons. ‘He’s probably not used to keeping someone in the loop.’
It may be true, but it still stings.
‘If I hadn’t known Elle’s plans, I probably wouldn’t even care that he forgot to mention the wedding.
But we didn’t part on good terms. I just can’t believe he has known me this whole time but didn’t tell me.
I don’t like that he’s been lying to me.
Or that we had the fight when Elle is about to confess her undying love for him.
Most of all, I hate the bloody wedding. I just want it to be over and done with. ’
‘He’ll be back before you know it. I know it’s not an excuse, but I can see why he was embarrassed. Rory was painfully shy as a teenager. He really struggled with his confidence.’
‘But he’s changed so much. Surely I’m not the first person not to recognize him since his glow up?’
Eilidh shakes her head. ‘I doubt it, Ava. You’ve got to remember, Rory has never really left Ullapool.
It’s all he knows. It’s not like he’s meeting new people all the time.
When you change here, people don’t notice.
They see you every day, so the process is so gradual that it’s hard to recognize it, even if it’s big.
I’m not sticking up for him, though. I’m on your side, I promise. ’
‘Well, Elle clearly likes what she sees. Anyway, enough about me. Have you heard from the boys yet?’
‘Not yet. They arrive tonight and they’ll call tomorrow morning. I keep wondering if they’re okay. What if they miss me? Even worse, what if they don’t?’
Eilidh sighs. I pull her in for a hug that I need just as much. ‘Of course they’ll miss you. You’re their mum.’
‘I can’t stand the thought of them being sad without me, you know? Oh, screw this. I hate being a single parent. I hate Mark for putting me in this situation. It’s shit.’
‘I know, Eilidh. But they’ll be back next week and things’ll be back to normal.’
‘Yes,’ she grumbles. ‘I have the school to sort out, the activities to organize. All the boring stuff, while he gets the holidays and the fun. I don’t mean to sound like a child myself, but it’s bloody well not fair.’
‘Book the caravan holiday,’ I remind her. ‘Don’t let yourself feel like that. You can be the fun parent too.’
She nods. ‘I can be the fun parent. I will. I’ll book the caravan break.’
‘Good,’ I say with a smile.
I start to set up the chairs and tables for the breakup bookshop, reviewing the list, as Eilidh pops out to check her messages.
I don’t want to mention it – not that there’s any hiding from Eilidh – but shop sales have dipped this week.
Any moment now, she’s likely to get back on my case about charging people for the support group.
At least I managed to submit the funding application.
I just have to pray that it’s successful or it could spell the end of my business.
I must focus less on emotions and more on finances if I want to save my sinking ship.
*
I don’t mean for the attention to turn to me at the breakup bookshop.
I’d planned to stay extra quiet tonight. I don’t trust my own emotions and I hadn’t wanted to say something to the group that I would regret. But I can’t seem to halt the thoughts of Rory and Elle together in my mind and somehow the floodgates just open.
Margaret’s jaw almost hits the floor, as I find myself recounting the moment I walked into my London flat or, more accurately, Seb’s, to discover my best friend underneath my bedsheets.
‘I never expected it,’ I say, my lip trembling.
I stare at the legs of one of the chairs, not trusting myself to look at anyone directly in case it throws me off.
I have to talk about this now; it is time.
‘Not in a million years. Macy and I had been inseparable since I met her in high school. The teachers always said we were a “two for the price of one” deal, and we were until this happened. She was the last person I ever expected to hurt me. Macy wasn’t just a best friend, she was like a sister to me.
Seb hurt me, but Macy… she’s the one that broke my heart. ’
The whole room is silent as the tears land on my cheeks. Donna envelopes me into a tight hug as I finish, while Eilidh hands me a hankie.
Donna squeezes me a little tighter. ‘That can’t have been easy to talk about.’
‘You’ve never even mentioned Macy,’ Eilidh says. ‘You poor thing.’
I nod slowly. ‘I’ve not been able to talk about it for so long.
It’s been months now and I haven’t opened up about it to anyone.
I’ve gone through all the emotions with it, but I guess the real reason behind the breakup bookshop wasn’t because I’d broken up with some guy.
That was horrible, but I think the thing I’ve really been struggling with is mourning the end of such an important friendship.
That meant more to me than one hundred Sebs. ’
‘Euch.’ Donna shivers. ‘One hundred Sebs – no thank you. One sounds bad enough.’
I shrug. ‘Seb was great, until he wasn’t. It’s losing Macy that I’ve struggled the most with. I don’t feel like I’m over that yet.’
‘You know what I say to Macy?’ Margaret interjects, her small eyes looking like they might pop out of her head. ‘Fuck her.’
The whole support group looks at one another in surprise. Everyone bursts into laughter, including me.
‘Margaret!’ Eilidh laughs.
‘Ah, come on now,’ Margaret says. ‘We women should stick together, shouldn’t we? If anyone ever made a move on my Bill, I’d have knocked their block off.’
Pete shakes his head, sadly. ‘Your Bill never had eyes for anyone but you, Margaret.’
‘I bloody well know that, and nor should he have. Nor should anyone in a relationship, truth be told. You don’t settle for these silly men, do you hear me, ladies?’
The group, including Pete, nod in unison. Margaret is right; we shouldn’t settle for less. I love her words of wisdom. I am pretty sure, minus the swearing, that my granny would have said the same thing.
My sudden confession, and the unwavering support, makes me feel lighter.
If I am finally opening up about Macy, it means I am healing, doesn’t it?
I look around the circle, wondering how many others are keeping their real battle hidden.
My eyes land on Donna. She’s back to her usual cheery, supportive self, but I’ve not forgotten her faraway look in the courtyard that night.
I know she’s concealing her own secret. I’m just not sure what it is yet.
Eilidh lets out a long sigh as I pass the book along to her, signalling her turn to take over.
‘Well, I can’t imagine ever feeling like I’m over Mark’s affair, but I know everyone is different.’
‘Ah, come on, Eilidh, you and Mark were married with two kids and now he’s having a baby with someone else,’ I point out. ‘No wonder you’re not “over” it.’
‘I want to be, for the sake of the boys.’ Her voice cracks as she looks around the group, who nod sympathetically. ‘I can’t keep holding on to this anger, you know?’
It is the most emotional breakup bookshop meeting yet.
Fiona even starts to open up about her long-lost love and, while she doesn’t ‘come out’ to the group, she talks fondly about her relationship and the devastation she faced when it ended, keeping the pronouns firmly gender neutral.
Margaret reminisces about her husband Bill, revealing that, while they’d been lucky to have so many happy years together, they’d never been able to conceive the child they wanted so desperately.
‘I think we used up all of our luck getting each other,’ she says with a smile, her eyes crinkling.