Chapter 22 #2
I see how this could quickly get sticky, but I always feel it’s better not to sugarcoat things.
This shouldn’t be any different. “Not since we tried the first time and it didn’t work,” I tell her, and the words hit her in the chest. I watch it happen.
For a second, I hate myself. Her heart has been sore, and I’m not trying to cause more harm by being honest. “I respect you, Daniela. I love that we’ve managed to give Teddy a family even without us being together, but when we called it quits years ago, I forced any thoughts of a traditional one out of my head. ”
“I understand,” she says. “But what if you’re able to shift perspectives now too?”
She sees the look on my face and bows her head.
I want to hug her. Ease the unintentional hurt I’m causing.
But I don’t want to confuse her, so I choose to deepen the conversation instead.
“Tell me what suddenly made me seem like an option for you? I’m not asking for my ego, by the way, but I’m warning you that it might accidentally become inflated. ”
This gets her to smile a little. She picks up her chin and says, “You’re a great dad, you cook, you have your shit together, and you’re good-looking.”
“And you’re all of those things, minus a good cook,” I say.
She laughs and my chest loosens. “Exactly my point. You could be in this kitchen.”
“But that’s all it would be,” I say. “Me checking off boxes. Nothing more.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You didn’t mention having feelings for me,” I point out.
“Feelings can grow,” she says. “We’re getting older. Love doesn’t have to look like it did in high school.”
“No,” I say, wondering if that’s a slight against whatever she might think I have going on with Olivia, “and it probably shouldn’t. But I don’t think we should force a relationship just because we can check off boxes for each other, just because we’re getting older.”
“That’s true, but how do you know we’ll be forcing something if we’ve never truly tried? That’s the question that’s been on my mind. And honestly, I can imagine how easy it might be. Simple. A comfortable type of happiness,” she says.
I think of Olivia mentioning how she believes there are many ways to love. And I know plenty of people who have grown to love. But Daniela and I have Teddy; I don’t think we could go slow and find out if we can, if there will ever be a spark. It would be serious right away.
“But what if there’s someone else that could make you feel something more than that?” I ask. She doesn’t answer, so I press forward. “Are you worried you’re going to be alone now?”
“If you haven’t noticed,” she says, “dating in Rhode Island feels pretty limited. My cousin’s current boyfriend just swiped on my Tinder profile. And…”
“And what?”
“Even when you think you have a good one,” she says, “they can prove you wrong.”
“What if we decided to try and I proved you wrong?” I say.
She cocks an eyebrow. “We both know you’re one of the good ones, Carmello. And you’d never hurt me like Connor did.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because of Teddy,” she says.
“Kids are so important,” I say. “But I don’t think we should choose each other because of Teddy.
You’re right, I would never cheat on you.
But I couldn’t promise that I’d feel things for you that I think we should all get to feel in our relationships.
Maybe those feelings would grow, but I don’t want that to be a goal.
And what if we tried and it didn’t work?
We might hurt Teddy later. One of the things I appreciated about my parents calling it quits early was that I never had to be affected by the resentment of them sticking it out just for me.
And I think they had more love for each other after they split.
Their bond taught me co-parenting can work. ”
This is what gets her to break. Tears stream down her cheeks, droplets landing in the popcorn. “I thought Connor and I were crazy in love,” she says. “I fell hard and he still hurt me. I don’t know that I can trust feeling like that again. I don’t even know if it’s out there for me.”
Even though I was young, I felt that way after Olivia left.
I closed my heart up, protected myself for years, and I still move cautiously now.
“I understand,” I say. “And since I’ve been dating, I’ve been careful not to base everything on crazy-in-love feelings that might just be chemistry, but that doesn’t mean we should settle.
I do believe you can grow to love someone, but I think when that happens it’s because you’re naturally already heading in that direction too. ”
Her chin wobbles. “I don’t want to end up alone.”
I bridge our gap now, squeeze her shoulder and look her in the eyes. “I know,” I say. “Neither do I. But we are still young. There’s plenty of time for you to heal and get back out there. I don’t think you should let what he did keep you from opening up to someone else.”
She leans her forehead against my chest the way Teddy does, and for a brief flash I see a life here.
Something easy with Daniela. Contentedness that I know could be possible.
Having more kids. Growing a family. Being here every single night even after Teddy sleeps.
A voice in my head says, He’d be safer if you were here too.
Maybe he’d have less anxiety. Maybe he wouldn’t have bad dreams. Maybe you’d sleep a little easier too.
But I swallow and shake those thoughts away.
Teddy is safe here with his mom, and I meant every word I just said to her.
I pull back and give her a serious face. “I was going to take the popcorn with me,” I say, “but it might be too salty now that you cried in the bowl.”
“Shut up,” she says, laughter making her shoulders shake before she swats at her eyes.
***
When I get back in the car, I watch Daniela shut the front door and then I sit in her parking lot for a second.
There’s a small part of me still trying to turn her words over in my head, a voice asking if I shouldn’t have been so quick to shoot her down.
But then my phone buzzes. A text from Olivia.
And I realize right away that it was the right thing to do when the notification makes me light up.
Hope this doesn’t wake you, it says. But I wanted to tell you it was really nice running through the questions with you. I think this is going to work.
It takes me a moment to register the text.
My heart instantly attaches the word this to us.
Knowing there’s still a spark and wondering if maybe there’s something worth working for.
She might not have been in love with Michael, but she was in love with me once.
I know it because there’s no way energy of that magnitude wasn’t reciprocated.
All of these feelings remind me of why I needed to shut Daniela down.
Not for Olivia, but to be fair to me and to the mother of my child.
I want to feel things for whoever I end up with. I want her to have that too.
I know I won’t end up with Olivia, she’ll be off to Japan before I know it, but despite myself, one thought still leads to the next, and I’m wondering what her bottom lip tastes like tonight.
Shit, I’ll even be happy with another conversation.
It’s stimulating talking to her. And I wouldn’t mind a little more of that tonight, tired and all.
I fight myself so hard, but my body tells my brain to fall back.
I’m awake, I text. But she never reads it. She must’ve fallen asleep.