3.
J ANIS
“Ladies, I’m going to need you to strip and show us what we’re working with here,” Tad ordered as she sank into the couch in front of the dressing rooms in the boutique next to our friend Opal’s hair salon.
“How did I end up involved in this?” Dahlia asked.
“You said you wanted a makeover, and this is how that works,” Raven, Dahlia’s cousin, explained as she sat down on the couch between Tad and Dahlia’s younger sister, Scarlet.
“I said that I understood where Janis was coming from, not that I needed a makeover.”
“But you do,” Scarlett insisted.
“You’re aware of what I do for a living, aren’t you?” Dahlia asked as she looked down at her perfectly buffed fingernails with moisturized cuticles just like mine, which was something that neither of us understood, and then up at her sister. Since she was a mechanic, she wasn’t wrong when she said, “About five minutes after I get to work tomorrow, this is going to be all fucked up.”
“What are you bitching about?” I asked as I held my hands up in front of me. “They only painted yours. They gave me talons , Dahlia.”
“That may have been a mistake on our part,” Tad admitted. “The idea of you walking around with ten easily accessible sharp objects is terrifying.”
“If I end up having to walk around with an eye patch for the rest of my life, it’s gonna be all your fault.” I snapped as I carefully scratched my nose.
“That’s the price of beauty,” Raven said with a condescending look. “Now, strip.”
“I’m not getting naked in front of you,” I said firmly.
“We don’t need to see either of you naked. We just need to see what your body looks like when it’s not covered in OshKosh or a potato sack.”
“I wear Carhartt overalls, thank you very much,” Dahlia corrected haughtily.
“I like them because it’s the closest thing I can wear to pajamas in public,” I added.
Scarlett’s sister Wren was sitting in a chair nearby, scrolling through her phone, and looked up to say, “That’s what I love about wearing scrubs.”
“I might be able to . . .”
“No! You’re not going to go from Farmer Janis to Nurse Janis. That is not an upgrade,” Tad insisted.
Wren flipped her off and said, “I make this shit look good.”
“Are we doing this? I’ve got a carburetor soaking that I need to get back to.”
“What I’m dying to know is what prompted this adventure,” Wren said as she leaned forward and stared at me with narrowed eyes. “Did someone say something that hurt your feelings?”
The room erupted in laughter at the thought that I’d care or wouldn’t have eviscerated someone who even tried. I ignored all of them and answered, “Marley and I were talking about how it’s hard for us to find someone who can see past our prickly exterior to the wonderful women we really are . . .”
“All of your personalities are prickly.”
“I do not have multiple personalities,” I snarled.
“I’ve seen what happens when you encounter a baby or a small animal. The change that comes over you should be studied by professionals for the good of humanity everywhere.”
“Fuck off,” I responded.
“Although, I’m sure professionals would really enjoy studying that one,” Tad said with a fake smile.
I decided that it was best to just get this over with and started unbuttoning my flannel shirt . . . or trying to, anyway. My new acrylic nails made it nearly impossible. I was still struggling with the first button when Raven got up and came over to help, trying her hardest not to laugh at my fumbling, as Tad said, “Have you figured out who is going to help us learn to be more personable?”
“I’m still drawing a blank on that one,” I mumbled as Raven showed me how to use the sides of my fingers instead of the tips so that the nails didn’t get in the way. When I kept fumbling, I said, “Okay! I’ve had enough. Take these fuckers off me.”
“It doesn’t work that way, babe,” Scarlet said with a grin. “It will get easier over the next few days.”
“Explain this mission to be more pleasant. How does that work?”
“Well, first we have to find a tutor,” I explained.
“A tutor? To teach you how to be nice?” Dahlia asked.
“Yeah. Someone who is just naturally nice and . . .”
Tad laughed before she tattled, “Janis said she wants to be bubbly!”
“That’s reaching for the stars,” Wren said through her own giggles. “I think we should take baby steps and help her figure out how to be approachable before we try to say ‘Janis Grissom’ and ‘bubbly personality’ in the same sentence with a straight face.”
I had finally finished unbuttoning my shirt and ripped it off before I tossed it at Wren and said, “I don’t know why I thought any of you fuckers could help me.”
“Holy shit. Look at the guns on Janis,” Scarlet said as she looked at my arms. “How did that happen?”
“I work,” I answered flatly.
“The guns are nice, but holy shit, Janis! Where did the boobs come from?” When I looked over at Raven with a glare, she said, “Did you buy those recently or . . .”
“I tried to sneeze with my mouth closed one time, and the pressure just popped them out,” I said sarcastically. “No, I didn’t buy them. I’ve been dealing with them since I was twelve. You’ve seen me in a bathing suit before. It’s not like they’ve grown recently.”
“Ditch the overalls, and let us see what else you’re working with,” Tad ordered.
“Whoa,” Wren said from behind me.
“If you say a thing about my ass being too big, I will end you,” I threatened, without turning around.
“Honey, let me just say that I have figured out where all of your audacity is stored. That ass is . . . Damn, girl! Where have you been hiding that thing?”
I spun around and glared at Wren and heard the other girls gasp before someone actually poked my left butt cheek. I turned back around in time to see Raven snatch her hand back and asked, “Is it necessary to touch it?”
“I just wanted to see if it jiggled.”
“It does with every single step I take,” I assured her. “I know this and that’s why I wear shirts that cover it.”
“I don’t think so,” Raven argued. “Take off your overalls and let us see.”
“No.”
“There’s enough of us here to take you,” Tad threatened. “Strip.”
I lifted my hands up, curled my fingers into claws, and hissed like a cat before I said, “Don’t forget you gave me ten sharp objects.”
Tad rolled her eyes and said, “I think I saw the perfect outfit to show off your ass ets.” As she hopped up off the couch, she said, “Give me a second to grab it so you can try it on.”
“Let’s just get this over with so we can have a drink,” Dahlia muttered as she yanked off her shirt. As Tad rushed away, Dahlia yelled, “Get something for me, too, because I’m not gonna make it here much longer without going on a killing spree!”
“While Tad finds some clothes, let’s talk about your plan to become amiable and . . . bubbly,” Raven suggested.
“At this point, I think the only way to do that is to ingest copious amounts of beer,” I muttered as I unbuckled my overalls and resisted giving a shout of joy that I got both sides undone on the first try, even with my new talons. “Besides, I don’t know that there’s a way to make me a nicer and gentler Janis.”
“Keep your mouth shut. Every time you want to open it and speak your mind, smile instead. When the urge to yell passes, say something nice. Simple as that,” Raven suggested.
“I think I can do that,” I said in shock.
“Let’s test it,” Scarlet suggested. After I nodded, she said, “My cousin Corey is the sweetest and most handsome Forrester. He’s such a wonderful guy that we should nominate him for an award and throw a party in his honor. And I think you should make him a five-tiered cake and write, ‘Corey is the perfect man, and I love him more than anyone else in the world’ on it.”
I gulped before I cleared my throat and tried my damndest to hold myself together. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that I could taste blood, but the pain helped me focus long enough to smile instead of scream.
Raven, Scarlet, and Dahlia all shrunk back and stared at me in shock, but I just smiled even bigger.
I turned and smiled at Wren as she came to see what had her sister and cousins so terrified. She yelped loudly as she jumped back, tripping over Dahlia’s backpack and losing her balance, but managed to settle on the arm of the couch next to Scarlet and never once took her eyes off me.
Raven whispered, “Make it stop!”
“I can’t look away,” Scarlet hissed. “What’s wrong with her?”
I glanced over and saw Tad walking toward us with clothes draped over her arms. When she got closer, she looked up and stopped suddenly with her eyes wide before she asked, “What the hell is happening right now?”
“I’m smiling, goddammit!” I yelled angrily.
“Is that what that was?” Raven asked warily. She shook her head and said, “Please don’t do that again. It’s terrifying.”
“If I can’t practice on you guys, who am I gonna practice on?” I asked.
“Corey!” Dahlia said cheerfully. “Practice on Corey. Just saying his name makes you want to snap and start killing people. If you can manage to talk to him without losing your shit, you can do it with anyone!”
“She’s got a good point,” Tad agreed. When I glared at her, she asked, “What? It’s a good idea!”
“Marley said that Corey doesn’t even think I’m a woman,” I blurted.
Tad narrowed her eyes before she asked, “Is that why you’ve suddenly decided to dress like one?”
“Fuck you,” I muttered before I scowled and looked away. I reluctantly admitted, “That man makes me madder than a wet hen, and I sometimes wonder how I can be so mean while I’m talking to him.”
“That clinches it. He’s the gold standard to gauge whether or not you can do this,” Wren said firmly. “Actually, he can be the guinea pig for all of it. You can try out the clothes and practice being nice to him at the same time. If you can manage to do that without killing him, you’ll be smiling at strangers on the street before you know it.”
“I wouldn’t go quite that far,” Raven muttered.
“Baby steps!” Tad announced. “Work out the kinks on Corey, and then you can release your charm on the rest of the world once you figure out how to be a nicer, gentler Janis.”
“That thought terrifies me,” Dahlia whispered. She looked at me and asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“I’m sure. I can do this, dammit! I know I can! I’m gonna find my femininity and cheerful side all at the same time.”
“And on the way home, I’m going to go buy a shovel so I can start digging a fallout shelter in my backyard.”
◆◆◆
COREY
I glanced up when the server stopped at our table and smiled when she asked if our meal was okay. I was about to answer when my date announced that her food was horrible, her tea was too weak and not sweet enough, and she wanted to speak to the manager.
She had mentioned that her food was bland but insisted that she could fix it with a little salt and pepper. When I offered to swap entrees with her, she waved me off and said it would be fine . . . which was exactly the opposite of what she was telling the poor server who had the misfortune of asking her if there was anything she could do.
I had already known that our first date was going to be our only because of how vapid and self-centered the woman seemed to be, which was totally different from the cheerful woman I’d met at the gym. And now, here she was with yet another personality that she had aimed at the server.
Once again, I wondered why in the hell I even tried because I apparently really sucked at choosing someone to ask out. My last girlfriend had seemed wonderful until she wasn’t, and the one before that was just as bad.
I’d dated off and on since high school and had never once come close to asking a woman to move in with me, let alone marry me. When I considered the personalities of the women I’d taken out, including the one currently unraveling in front of me, it took everything I had not to shudder at the thought of spending the rest of my life with any of them.
Yes, I looked for someone to have a good heart, but I didn’t want them to be a doormat. However, I also didn’t want them to be a raging bitch to people for no fucking reason, like the way this woman was acting toward the server who had no control over how the chef seasoned the food.
As I’d done many, many times, I shot my sister an SOS and explained that I was on a date with a pharmaceutical rep that I’d met at the gym. Marley asked for her name, and after I replied, there wasn’t a response, but I knew that within a few minutes, Marley would appear like an apparition sent straight from hell to run off my date, and she’d love every single second of it.
My sister was a weapon that I didn’t draw often. I only let her loose in extreme circumstances, which I definitely thought defined this evening’s outing. When my date, who just happened to have the same name as my friend Crow’s cranky next-door neighbor, insisted that she needed to talk to the manager and the chef so she could explain the definition of fine dining and make them see that this was not it, I knew we were heading for an epic disaster.
Fuck my life, and fuck dating. I was going to learn to be content with my animals, my friends, and my job - although not necessarily in that order.
My sister finally replied to my text, and it worried me when she sent a GIF of her favorite villain laughing instead of writing anything. That meant she was more than excited to unleash on someone since she’d been on duty for hours today and had to resist speaking her mind for fear of losing her badge.
I was surprised that she made it so quickly, though, and appalled that she’d brought an entourage with her.
“Well, shit,” I muttered as I looked at the woman across from me. Yes, she was annoying, and yes, I wanted to make sure that she never called me again, but I didn’t want her to cry and I had no intention of scarring her for life. Those were two things that my sister very much seemed to enjoy doing to the women I dated.
And her friends weren’t much better.
“Corey, my love!” Diamond Hamilton, or, as I liked to think of her, the right-hand woman of Satan herself, said as she somehow managed to squeeze herself between me and the table and perch herself on my lap. She threw her arms around my neck before she laid a smacking kiss on my cheek and said, “I know we were supposed to wait next door at the bar, but you know how hard it is for us to stay away from you for too long.”
“Did you make a decision yet?” Esme Cardenas, a woman who wasn’t quite as bad as Diamond but a force in her own right, asked. She pulled out a chair and sat before she clapped her hands and whispered excitedly, “I can’t wait for you to bring another one home!”
My sister wasn’t quite as outrageous as the other two, but she looked like she meant business when she sat in the other empty chair and propped her elbow on the table so she could rest her chin in her hand. She studied Margaret’s face for a second before she ordered, “Tell me all about yourself so I can report back to Mom and Dad.”
“What? Who are . . . What’s going on?” Margaret asked.
“Margie! He didn’t tell you about us yet?” Diamond asked.
“It’s Margaret,” my date said with a disgusted look aimed at Diamond and then at me. “What. Is. Going. On?”
“My brother is so bad at this,” Marley said in a voice that sounded very much like Cher Howowitz, one of her favorite movie characters.
Diamond picked up on her impression at the same time I did and flipped her braids over her shoulder before she said, “I’m Dionne, and that’s Tai. It’s so nice to meet you!”
“Tell us all about yourself,” Esme said, slipping into her role. She looked over at Marley and asked, “She’s very Monet, isn’t she?”
“Very!” Marley agreed with a grin.
“Monet?” Margaret asked as she pushed her chair back, hopefully to get up and run away before this got ugly. “Like the painting?”
“As if!” Marley said loudly. “Monet was an artist.”
Margaret knew there was an insult in there somewhere but couldn't put her finger on it, so she asked, “Then why did she call me that?”
“He painted pictures that look better from a distance than up close,” Diamond explained.
“Corey said that you’re a pharmaceutical sales rep,” Esme chimed in before Margaret could react to Diamond’s barely veiled insult. “What is that exactly?”
“I . . . uh . . .” Margaret looked at me before she asked, “What is going on here?”
“Does that mean you like to fuck people over and take all their money? If that’s the case, we’re not down with prostitution.”
“No. Big pharma can suck it, am I right?” Diamond asked when Esme looked over at her.
“Totally buggin’,” Marley agreed.
“I’m going to go,” Margaret said primly as she twisted around in her chair to grab the strap of her purse.
“Is that a Coach?” Marley asked.
“It’s a knock-off,” Diamond answered. She looked absolutely repulsed when she scoffed and said, “So generic.”
Margaret’s mouth dropped open, and she gasped before she said, “This is vintage.”
“That’s what trashy people say about things they buy on eBay,” Diamond whispered loudly to Esme.
So loud, in fact, that I could almost guarantee everyone in a three-table radius had heard her say it.
My sister cleared her throat to stifle a laugh and asked, “So, how’s the date going? Did he propose yet?”
“Propose what?”
“He’s wearing these two out, so they finally convinced him to bring in a third.”
“A third what?”
“Girlfriend, of course,” Diamond said before she and Esme laughed annoyingly. “We love our man, but he’s an animal, you know? A girl needs a good night’s sleep now and then.”
“You can have him on Tuesdays, Fridays, and every third Sunday,” Esme said as she pulled her phone out and unlocked the screen. “I’ll put it on the calendar.”
Margaret looked horrified and ready to bolt. The server came back carrying her new plate, and when the girls’ attention was diverted, she saw her chance and took it, sprinting across the dining room and narrowly avoiding a server carrying a tray of drinks before she made it to the door.
Our server watched her leave along with the rest of us and then looked at me in question as Diamond got off my lap and walked around the table to sit in Margaret’s empty chair. She reached up and took the plate out of the server’s hand and asked, “Would you mind bringing us some menus? We promise to be much nicer than the hag who was here before.”
“Of course!” the server said cheerfully, not arguing that Margaret was anything but. “What can I get all of you to drink?”
“I’ll take an iced tea,” Esme said.
“The other woman said the tea was too weak.”
“No, honey,” Marley said as she waved toward the door. “She was weak. That’s why she’s gone.”
Maybe I shouldn’t give up dating after all. Even though I almost always realized that the company I’d chosen sucked halfway through the date, the grand finale never disappointed.
When my sister and her friends enjoyed themselves so much, how could it ever be bad?