9. Miller
Miller
I had to quit it with the constant hovering.
It was Tuesday, and Collie’s surgery was scheduled for Thursday.
We both knew he was okay, because he was wearing a heart monitor all day, every day, and it hadn’t alerted him to any problems. Still, I felt compelled to check on him a lot.
I also found myself pestering him to make sure he was eating, hydrating, and generally taking care of himself.
It was too much. I got that. After he had surgery, he really would need me to take care of him. But he didn’t need it now, so I knew I needed to dial it back a notch.
“I’ll be fine, Miller.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Because you literally just explained 911 to me like I’m five.”
I ignored that and told him, “I’m going to leave work by four tomorrow, so I can pick up your van. It’s supposed to be done by then.”
“I can pick it up.”
“You shouldn’t be driving. What if you pass out behind the wheel?”
“That’s not going to happen,” he said. “I have this heart monitor, but even without it I know the warning signs now, and what to watch for. If I start to feel any sort of irregular heartbeat, I can pull over and wait until it passes.”
“You’d be taking an unnecessary risk, and endangering not just yourself but everyone else on the road.”
He muttered, “I hate the fact that you have a point.”
“So, you won’t drive? You promise?”
Collie held up his hand and made some sort of gesture. “Scout’s honor.”
“You were never a scout, were you?”
“What gave me away?”
“You just signed the letter ‘K’ in ASL.”
He frowned at me. “Because of course, you were a scout.”
“I was. I made it to Eagle.”
“That’s good, right?”
“The best.”
I couldn’t tell if he was serious when he asked, “Are there other birds leading up to Eagle? Like, do you start as a swallow scout, then a pigeon, then a peacock?”
“No. There are no peacock scouts.”
“And that’s why I never enlisted.”
“You don’t enlist in the Scouts. You join.”
“I never did that, either.”
I said, “I just remembered that I got you something. Hang on.”
When I returned to the office with an box, Collie sat up and clapped his hands. “I love presents.”
Now I wished I’d gotten him something better. I sliced the tape with the tip of a pair of scissors and fished out a pair of slippers. “I promised to replace your hazardous Scooby slippers,” I said, as I handed them to him. “These were as close as I could get.”
They were printed to look like the Mystery Machine, with the whole Scooby gang looking out the van’s windshield on the top of the slipper. Since they fit snugly and had a nonslip sole, I figured they were a lot safer than his puffy, oversized pair.
He squealed with delight and put them on. Then he stuck his legs out so he could admire them. “Thank you, Miller. I love them!”
“There’s one other thing.”
I unpacked an airhorn and handed it to him. He raised a brow and said, “Thanks. Why, though?”
“I’m a really sound sleeper. If you feel like you’re going to pass out, or if you need something during the night, I might not hear you if you call out. But I’ll hear it if you push that button.”
He turned the airhorn around in his hands and gave the button an experimental jab. The horn shrieked, and so did Collie. This sent the cat launching off the couch and running out of the office. He yelled after her, “I’m sorry, Kate!”
“Anyway, I just thought it might be helpful. Good night, Collie.”
“Good night, Miller.”
He probably thought I was nuts, but whatever. I couldn’t help but worry.
I left the office and bedroom doors slightly ajar on my way through. Then I started to get ready for bed. A minute later, the air horn went off. I dropped my toothpaste and dashed to his aid.
Collie was sitting right where I’d left him.
His eyes sparkled with mischief as he announced, “This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have found me looking like this.” He flung himself halfway off the couch and rolled his eyes back as his tongue flopped out of his mouth.
Then he sat up again and said, “This now concludes our test.”
“I totally set myself up for this.”
“Yeah, you did.”
I was grinning as I left the office.
The next morning, I took a Lyft to work, since I planned to pick up the van later. I was in the building for all of two minutes before Daria intercepted me at the coffee maker.
“So,” she said, with a huge smile, “how goes it with the boy toy?”
“He’s not my boy toy.”
“You and that little hottie have been living under the same roof for days. If nothing’s happened, that’s an actual tragedy.”
I filled my coffee mug and turned to her with a raised brow. “He has a heart condition, Daria.”
“And he’s been living with it all his life. If you suck his dick, do you think he’ll instantly fall over and die?” I rolled my eyes, and she said, “Okay, so you aren’t having sex. But what about the rest of it? How are you two getting along?”
“Great. He’s really sweet.”
“So, this has relationship potential.”
“We’re friends. That’s it.”
“Don’t try to tell me you aren’t into him. I saw the way you kept looking at him on Sunday.”
“How did I keep looking at him?”
“Like he was the only thing that mattered to you in the entire world.”
I hadn’t thought I’d been so obvious. Still though, I went with denial because I wanted Daria to let this go. “I’m concerned about his health, so I tend to check on him a lot.”
“That’s not all it is. I know it’s not.” She frowned and followed me to my desk as she said, “It’s been a year, Miller. Don’t you think it’s time to get back up on that horse?”
“I’m done with horses.”
“Forever?” When I didn’t answer, she said, “Your ex was an ass. I knew that long before he dumped you. He was always trying to change you, which is bullshit. You deserve someone who appreciates you for the sweet, wonderful man you are. Someone like Collie.”
“Some people are better off on their own.”
“Not you, though. We both know you’ve always been a relationship kind of guy. Just because that one didn’t work out doesn’t mean you should give up.”
“Maybe my priorities have shifted.”
“Or maybe you’re still really hurt, and afraid to try again.” I didn’t say anything, so she pressed ahead with, “Bruce already took almost a decade of your life. Are you really going to let him take this shot at happiness, too?”
“I’m fine, Daria. I don’t know why you think I’m so miserable.”
As I took a seat and fired up my computer, she said, “If I believed you were fine, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“But I really am okay.”
“You’re not though, and we both know it.
” When I once again failed to reply, she sighed dramatically and told me, “The universe gave you an incredible gift, Miller. It dropped a sweet, adorable person into your lap, and Collie could make you happy if you let him. But you’re letting the past stand in your way. Just think about that.”
Daria spun on her heel and returned to her workstation. Now it was my turn to sigh. She meant well… and she wasn’t wrong, but I couldn’t think about this stuff right now. Not when I had so much work to do.
I pulled up my most recent sketches for the video game we were currently developing, and after I cued up some music, I put on a pair of headphones to block out any distractions.
I usually worked from home because having a bunch of people around me made it hard to concentrate, but it was good to show up in person occasionally.
It helped reassure my team that I wasn’t slacking off.
I frowned as I scrolled through my sketches. When I’d met with my art director last Friday, she’d told me my work was uninspired. She had a point. I closed the files and moved them to the trash. Then I picked up my stylus and started again.
If I wasn’t careful, I was going to get fired from my dream job. Then where would I be?
After spending the day trying to come up with some fresh ideas, I left work a little early, so I could make it to the garage before they closed. My mechanic greeted me with, “Hey, Miller. What’s up?”
“I came to get my friend’s van.” I didn’t see it, so I asked, “Is it around back?”
“No man, Collie came and got it a couple of hours ago.”
So much for promising not to drive. “What do I owe you?”
“Nothing. He paid in full for the brakes and the house call.”
I thanked him and left the garage a little irritated. As I walked home, I sent Collie a text, which said: I thought we agreed you weren’t going to drive. When he didn’t reply, I texted again: Where are you? Neither of those messages showed as read.
I knew he wasn’t home as soon as I opened the front door, because the cat was sitting there waiting for him. She let out a meow of protest when she saw me, and I muttered, “Yeah, I know. I’m not him. Life is full of disappointment.”
Just to prove to myself that he really wasn’t home, I cut through the house and took a look in the garage. My car was in there, but the van wasn’t.
When I went into the office, the first thing I noticed was the heart monitor and all its connecting wires, sitting on the neatly folded pile of bedding. There was a piece of paper beside it. As I crossed the room to check it out, I noticed all of Collie’s things were missing.
I picked up the paper and read the note, which said: I’ll never be able to thank you enough for wanting to help me, but I can’t go through with that surgery tomorrow, Miller. I just can’t. I’d rather take my chances with my defective ticker.
I know it wasn’t cool to sneak off like this. I’m sorry about that. But if I stuck around, you’d definitely try to talk me into having that operation, and there’s no way.
This isn’t goodbye, because you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met in my entire life, and I hope we’ll be friends forever.
But I figure you’re pretty mad at me right now for making this decision, so I’m going to give you some time to cool off.
I’ll talk to you soon, so we can make arrangements to go ahead and get our marriage annulled. With love from your Jason Alexander, C.