Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
CALLUM/CASH
Now
Secret Sessions & Unworthy Woes
When my tortured thoughts take over, and I don’t know how much more I can handle.
Iflip my therapist’s fidget spinner through my fingers. “I should be grateful and moving on like everyone else is, but I can’t let this feeling go.”
“What feeling is that?” Sloane Mercer can be infuriating but she’s the best therapist in the music industry. She came highly recommended.
“That the life I’m living is about to slip through my fingers.”
“Tell me why you’re thinking this way.”
“You know why.” I slam the toy down on the side table next to me. “Livianna can’t remember important details of her life. I’m hiding things from her she should know.”
“I see.” Sloane writes something down on her digital notepad. “Let’s review this again, shall we?”
“You know everything. What else do I need to say?”
“How are you and Livianna doing?”
“Fantastic.” My heart fills with warmth. “Living with her is everything I’ve dreamed of.”
“And you’re convinced you’ll lose her when she regains her memory.”
“Yes. We’ve covered that.”
“Cash, we’ll go over this issue until you’re settled.” Sloane crosses her legs and dips her chin in knowing. “If you ‘spiral,’ as you say, you could relapse.”
“I know.” I suck in a breath and release my fears on my exhale. “How do I trust I’m doing the right thing by her?”
“Have her doctors told you anything different than they did when they released her from the hospital?”
“No, but…” I rake my teeth over my bottom lip. “What do you think about it?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.”
“It matters to me.” I lean forward with my elbows on my knees. “You’re the professional here.”
“And as a professional, I’m telling you that head trauma is complex.” Sloane sets her notepad aside and meets my gaze. “The brain doesn’t work on your timeline, Cash. It heals at its own pace.”
“I know that.”
“Do you?” Her tone sharpens. “From what you’re telling me, Livianna seems happy. She’s working, she’s engaging with her business, and she’s building routines with you. Those are all positive signs.”
“But she doesn’t remember—”
“She doesn’t remember five years. We’ve been over this plenty.” Sloane shifts in her oversized chair. “That’s her reality right now. And by your own admission, she’s functioning well within that reality.”
I sink back and run my palms over my thighs. “It feels like I’m lying to her every day.”
“You’re protecting her mental health per medical advice.” Sloane’s expression softens. “There’s a difference between lying and allowing someone to heal at their own pace.”
“Is there?”
“Yes.” She picks up her notepad again and references something. “Livianna’s doctors have been clear. Forcing memories or pushing her to remember could cause psychological harm. What does that mean to you?”
“That I have to keep my mouth shut.”
“No. It means you have to trust the process. Her brain experienced significant trauma. Pushing her to remember before she’s ready could trigger anything from anxiety attacks to complete psychological breaks. I don’t think that’s what you want.”
“Of course, it’s not.” My chest tightens at the thought.
“Then you need to let her heal.” Sloane taps her stylus against the screen. “Now, about how this is affecting you.”
“I’ve told you I’m happy. Ecstatic even. Everything in my life is going my way for once.”
“Yet, you won’t allow yourself to relax and live in that enjoyment.” Sloane’s tone turns stern. “Cash, listen to me carefully. Livianna is in a good place right now. She’s functioning and she loves you. Those are facts based on everything you’ve told me.”
“But it’s not real.”
“It is to her.” Sloane sets the notepad down again. “Help me understand why you’re struggling.”
“What if she remembers and hates me for not telling her?”
“What if she remembers and is grateful you gave her space to get better on her own timeline?” Sloane counters. “You’re catastrophizing based on fear, not facts.”
I stand and pace to the window overlooking the city. “I can’t lose her again.”
“Then what do you need to do that will help you through this?” The silence stretches for several beats before Sloane speaks again. “What do you want, Cash?”
I turn and face her. “If I had it my way, I’d be marrying Livianna tomorrow.”
“Even now?”
“Yes. If I knew she would be happy, I’d do it as soon as possible.”
“What’s stopping you from moving forward?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “She loves someone else.”
“No, she doesn’t. Not in her mind.” Sloane’s words land and give me hope.
“So, what are you saying I should do?”
“If you can’t trust her love, if you’re going to spend every day waiting for the other shoe to drop, you’re not giving either of you a fair chance.”
“That’s harsh.”
“That’s honest.” Sloane keeps pushing. “You’re creating worst-case scenarios in your head instead of living in the present moment with a woman who loves you.”
“She loves who she thinks I am.”
“Are you a different man than whom she believes you to be?”
“Yes.”
“How so?”
“I’m better than I used to be. No one can hurt us now. Not without me taking them out first.”
“How would someone hurt you today?”
I flop back into my chair. “I don’t know, but if they tried, I’d kill them.”
“Is that a serious threat to someone in particular?”
“No. It’s just a blanket statement. I’d only go after someone if they were threatening to hurt her.”
“You’re very protective of her. Where did that stem from?”
“I always have been. It’s just since her accident, I’ve been on high alert.”
“Your nervous system is overloaded.”
“You can say that again.”
“How are you coping with that?”
“I’m not taking anything for granted. I know how lucky I am.”
“How else?”
“I’m still going to the gym.” I glance away, hiding the lie from Sloane’s direct gaze.
“And that’s helping?”
“Yeah.” I sit in silence for a moment. “I’m doing fine with that part of my life.”
“Very well. Since you’re clear on that issue, how do you want to move forward?”
“How should I move forward?” I search Sloane’s eyes for clues.
“Livianna loves you. The question is, can you accept that love? Or are you going to sabotage it with your anxiety?”
My throat burns. “I’m trying to live in peace.”
“I know you are.” Sloane eases back. “Right now, the only person threatening your relationship with Livianna is you.”
I fake a laugh. “That’s something I’m really good at.”
“What’s that?”
“Ruining my relationship.”
“Then let’s come up with a plan that you can live with where you don’t sabotage what you want to happen.”
“Now that’s music to my ears.” I take a deep breath. “What’s it gonna take for me to make my dreams come true?”
“That’s a question you have to answer. So, tell me what you have in mind.”
I tap the remote that opens our gate and pull into the driveway when it’s clear. I’m feeling pretty good until I see Jaxon’s car sitting in front of the house.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” I pull into the garage and march into the house. All my nerves are spiked and ready to go.
He comes into view, sitting on the couch, working on his laptop. Livianna’s nowhere in sight.
He stands as soon as he sees me. “Cash, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, I’d say we do.” I throw my keys down on the coffee table. “Why are you here?”
He lifts a pill bottle. “Livianna is taking these?”
“Wait. Before I explain anything to you, you need to tell me how you got into my house.”
“Livianna let me in. She needed help to get inside.” His glare almost burns through me. “It seems she overindulged in pain medication today.”
My heart shrinks.
Shit.
“Where is she?” I work my leather jacket off.
“I helped her into bed. She needed the rest.”
I snap the painkillers out of his hand. “I was worried about her taking these, but I’m trying to follow the doctor’s orders.”
“You of all people know she shouldn’t be taking these.” His chest expands. “You told me she OD’d once before and you let her take them?”
“That’s not how it is.”
“Then how is it?”
“Have you met her? She doesn’t let anyone control her.”
“For fuck’s sake, Cash. Do better.”
“Do better?” I step toward him, curling my hands into fists. “You don’t get to come into my house and tell me how to take care of my girlfriend.”
“Someone has to.” Jaxon doesn’t retreat an inch. “She could barely walk when I brought her home. She was slurring her words and couldn’t focus on anything.”
“Her headaches have been brutal.”
“The headaches are her brain trying to process trauma.” Jaxon steps closer to me. “Covering them up with pills isn’t healing, it’s masking a problem that needs medical attention.”
“Her fucking doctors prescribed those.” I slam the bottle down on the kitchen island. “I’m following their instructions.”
“Their instructions are wrong. You know that, but you’re letting her take the lead, anyway.”
I clench my jaw. “I’m trying to balance her pain management without triggering her anxiety about the accident. It’s a fucking tightrope, Jaxon.”
“Then maybe you should call her doctors and tell them to prescribe something safer.” His chest heaves. “Or are you too worried they’ll take you off caretaker duty if they know you’re compromised?”
“Compromised?” Heat boils in my gut. “I love her. Everything I’m doing is to protect her.”
“By setting her on a path that could end terribly?” Jaxon crosses his arms. “That’s not protection, Cash. That’s negligence.”
I surge forward until we’re chest to chest. “You don’t know what it’s like living with her right now. Every decision is impossible. Push too hard and she breaks. Don’t push enough and she stays stuck. I’m doing the best I can.”
“Your best isn’t good enough.” Jaxon pushes me back. “She needs medical intervention, not a boyfriend who’s too afraid to set boundaries.”
“Boundaries?” I stabilize myself and bark out a bitter laugh. “You’re the expert on that now, aren’t you? You kept your entire relationship with her a secret for years. Don’t lecture me about doing what's right.”