Chapter Four When Harry Met Sally . . . , dir. by Rob Reiner #3
“Yeah, I never really gave it much thought until recently.”
“It feels like your peers have passed you by, huh?”
“Yeah. I guess so. Growing up, I never got the chance to date. There was...” His words trail off. “There was one other
gay person in my school, but he wasn’t out. We just happened to know each other. I wasn’t kidding when I said you were my
first date. I tried to get on apps when I moved out here, but everything was so scary and everyone just wanted sex right away.
Or drugs. Then there’s the people with ‘No Asians’ in their bio, and that made me feel...” The words slip away from Peter,
his last thoughts left unsaid.
Eli wants to say something, but he isn’t sure just what he can say in this moment.
He knows that feeling. Not the exact one, obviously.
Eli’s white, regardless of his gender identity.
He has and always will benefit from a system like the one that shuts Peter out before he even reaches the door.
Peter’s identities as a gay Korean man intersect in ways that Eli will never truly understand, let alone him growing up in an area of the world that he assumes would hate every part of Peter that he can’t change.
But Eli can at least listen. And it is a familiar feeling, to be shunned for something you can’t change, a core part of your being. It’s all too easy to recall
the men who rejected him once they saw Eli’s private photos, and when he dared to put “trans man” in his bio to keep it from
ever getting that far, strangers seemed to take that as an open invitation to give Eli their opinion on his body.
“It’s been weird and new and I thought it’d get easier after being here for years. I’ve read articles and books, watched YouTube
videos on making friends, being gay, how to find a place. But it was too much.”
“That right there!” Eli exclaims. “That’s what I want to write about. How so many queer people grow up without those experiences
that most would consider essential.”
“And you think people will read that?”
“I hope so.” Not that it’ll matter if Michael fires Eli the moment he figures out what’s going on. But if he can work with
Peter, make this the best essay he’s written, then maybe, just maybe , Michael will give him a shot.
Eli just has to keep him happy while he waits.
“And, in exchange for helping me,” Eli begins to say. He can’t believe he’s going to offer this. But he has to admit that
Rose’s idea—and, okay, Michael’s too—wasn’t a bad one. “I’d like to teach you how to date.”
He has to have something to base the fake article on.
“You want to teach me how to date?” Peter stares with an unsure look.
“Yeah, we’d go on these dates where I’d coach you. Teach you to be a better, more attentive date.” Eli spills the words in a single breath, knowing just how ludicrous it sounds; he has to get the idea out before Peter decides to walk away.
Peter’s gaze darts to the table, then out the window of the café.
God, how could he ever think this was a good idea? Of course Peter wouldn’t agree to this—who would? The last time he and
Peter had a real conversation, Eli was telling Peter off and storming away with semi-dry pants and soup-covered shoes. In
what world would Peter ever want to pretend to date another person just to—
“I’ll do it.”
It takes Eli a moment to truly register Peter’s reply.
“You will?
“It doesn’t sound stupid. I mean, it does. But... listen... you’re not the first person I’ve talked to since moving
here.” Peter sighs, his shoulders seemingly lighter, like he’s been waiting for the moment when he can finally talk to someone
about how he’s been feeling. “I’ve been trying my best, but clearly it isn’t enough. I’ll accept any help I can get.”
“That sounds pretty desperate, Peter.” Eli doesn’t mean it as an insult, just a simple and plain fact.
“Yeah, I guess you could say I am.” Peter smiles awkwardly, his eyes catching his own hands where he’s been playing with them
nervously. “I don’t know how all of this works. Obviously. And I need the experience, but I can’t get it because my stupid
brain can’t get past the part where I have to meet someone new, where I have to like... form a connection or something.
If you’re offering to teach me, help me learn, then I want to do it.”
“Well, Peter... that’s great to hear!”
“So... how do we do this?”
“Well, I...” Eli has to admit, Peter’s got him there.
The idea is so new, fresh, he hasn’t really had time to consider the details.
“I think it’ll be easiest to go on these fake dates and get to know one another.
And through getting to know more about you and how you grew up, I’ll be able to shape my article. ”
Peter takes a heavy breath, still recovering. “That’s going to be weird.”
“It is, but I think it’ll be good for you,” Eli tells him. “Now, I think we should lay some ground rules, before we really
make a plan here.”
“Like?”
“Nothing can be personal.”
Peter stares at him, confused. “In what way?”
“I’m here to help you, to teach you how to be a better boyfriend to someone. And to do that, you’re going to have to face
some insecurities. Nothing that I’m going to say to you will be personal,” Eli promises to him, but then backtracks. “I mean,
it will be personal. There’s really no denying that. But you can’t really take it that way.”
Peter seems to chew on the words for a bit. “So, honesty is the best policy?”
“In this case, I think yes,” Eli agrees. “I have to be honest with you. And that goes both ways. If you have a problem with
something I say or what I want you to do, I need you to tell me. I’m not trying to change you as a person.”
“You literally are, though. Aren’t you?”
“There’s a difference,” Eli attempts to explain. “We’re trying to make you into a better dater, which... yeah, sure, we’re
going to have to change some things about how you behave, how you tackle certain situations. But I don’t want to fundamentally
change who you are.”
“That’s... admirable.”
Eli smiles at him. “Chivalry isn’t totally dead.” Never mind that Eli is lying to both Peter and Michael.
“So, with these dates... do we pretend that we don’t know what’s going on? Like do we try to act as natural as possible?”
“I think we should have a safe word.”
“A safe word...” Peter swallows, the very tips of his ears turning rose red in an instant. “There’s not going to be sex,
right?” He whispers that last part, almost like he’s ashamed. Eli can’t stop himself from wondering if Peter’s ever had sex
before.
Not that it matters in the slightest. Virginity is a social construct, an invention meant to shame people when it literally
doesn’t matter at all. It’s just that he can’t get over how Peter seems so quiet about sex, almost as if he’s afraid of it.
Of course, that doesn’t have to matter either. For all he knows, Peter is asexual. Perhaps he’s never considered sex as a
thing he wants, maybe he’s indifferent about it, or maybe he’s entirely repulsed by the act.
It’s enough to leave Eli chewing on what that could mean for them both.
“God, no!” Eli assures him. “That’s not what this is about.”
“Oh, I, um...” Peter’s nervousness is on full display, his cheeks matching his ears. Eli decides to spare the poor man,
skipping right past any and all awkwardness.
“No, this safe word is one that we both can use to break character, talk about what’s happening, if we’re both comfortable
with what’s going on. Otherwise, we’ll act like complete strangers, getting to know each other, no prior knowledge of...”
Eli looks around the coffee shop, as if the living example of the mess his life has turned into just strolled right in. “This.”
“So, we’ll be acting?”
“In a sense.” Eli nods. “Yes.”
“What’s the safe word?”
“It can be anything we want, maybe not something so common it’ll come up in conversation often.”
“Iced Americano?” Peter offers.
“Iced Americano?” Eli repeats, staring at him.
“I hate them,” Peter says, sticking his tongue out. “So, I won’t want to talk about them.”
Eli can’t help but smile. “Yes. Our safe word, or words , will be ‘iced Americano.’ If either of us says that, then we stop what we’re doing, talk Eli-to-Peter about the situation.”
“I have a question,” Peter asks.
“Give it to me.”
“What if we develop real feelings?”
“Whoa, okay,” Eli sputters. “I think you’re getting ahead of yourself there, tiger.” Sure, Peter is an attractive man, with
his broad shoulders that so easily paint a picture of what lies underneath the sweatshirt he’s wearing, but Eli doesn’t intend
to go there.
“That’s not what I was—” he stammers. The blush on Peter’s cheeks is immediate , and Eli can’t deny that there’s something cute about how embarrassed he looks. “I didn’t mean it like—”
“Relax, Peter.” Eli reaches for his hand, hoping to pull Peter back down to Earth. “I was just messing with you.”
Peter takes a pregnant pause. “Right...”
“But you’re correct. A pull-out clause might be useful. Who knows, emotions might be flying high. And we’re literally going
to pretend to be boyfriends and do boyfriend things. It might be easy to get confused.”
“And if I find a date, or I meet a person,” Peter begins to say. “I don’t want them to think that you’re someone to be worried
about.”
“You’re right, you’re right.” Eli notes the rule. It’s a fair one; being the third wheel could scare away any potential suitors
that might catch Peter’s eye.
“What kind of dates would we go on?”
“Uh, dinner. Movies. We could go to the park, or...” Eli thinks, having to remember what actual dates feel like. “A cooking
class?”
Peter chuckles. “I actually tried a cooking class, to meet people. I caused a fire.”
“Seriously?”
Peter nods. “I forgot that you can’t put water on a grease fire. They banned me from any future classes at the center.”
“Peter...” Eli can’t resist the laugh that slips out, which makes Peter laugh too.
“It’s not funny!” he argues, still smiling.
“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” Eli can’t stop himself, though.
“People could’ve died.”
“I’m sorry.” Eli hides his face. “See, where was this on Friday?” He can already sense Peter’s ease. There’s a relaxation
that wasn’t there Friday night.
“I... I don’t know. I guess I find it easier to talk to you since you’ve seen the bad parts of me.”
“That’s the kind of self-awareness that we’re looking for, I think.”
“So...” Peter starts to say. “Where do we start? With my... rehabilitation?”
“Finding a better name for it, for starters.” Eli sits back in the booth, crossing his arms across his chest.
This has to be the biggest hurdle to climb over in this entire scheme. Eli isn’t a big fan of it either—in all the rom-coms
he’s watched, fake dating always leads to muddy feelings, people falling in love. Not that Eli has to really worry about that.
Then it comes to him in a sudden burst, so obvious. Eli smiles. “But I have an idea.”
Peter stares at Eli, his eyebrows raised. “Which is?”