5
Ella
3 Years Ago — September 201
I f my head was a war drum, I really wouldn’t be surprised. Mix that with the disgusting stench of burnt toast. I just want to go back to the land of sleep. Though the way my eyes still feel heavy, and my throat feels as dry and brittle as that burnt toast must be, I don’t think sleep is welcome either. It’s only when I hear the creak of the door being opened and the shuffle of footsteps that I dare to open my eyes.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” Matt greets. It all comes back in the crash of a wave: dancing in the kitchen, not playing spin the bottle, pouting about not kissing him and then the kiss. We fell asleep spooning; our bodies fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. The heat of embarrassment creeps up my neck and around my face like the swirl of steam coming off those hot drinks as I watch him walk in with a mug of tea and toast.
There is absolutely no way I would have done any of that sober; though the one thing I’m sure of is how my pulse accelerates, butterflies form and take flight in my body the minute he appears, no matter how cloudy my head and senses are, the attraction to him is clear.
Is this attraction? It feels like more than that, but is there a difference? I want to kiss him, get to know more about him and never leave him alone. Or is this some crazy rebellion based on mere attraction?
“Hey,” I mumble as he puts the tea and toast on the desk, next to another plate and mug. He made me breakfast, despite not doing anything past kissing last night. That’s more than attraction, right?
“I thought you might want breakfast after last night. I also found some painkillers.” He produces a box of ibuprofen from his pocket. “Just don’t tell Jason; I took them out of his cupboard.”
Oh, so Jase is short for Jason. Got it . I watch Matt pass me a plate of chocolate spread on toast and gesture to the tall white mug with Wall-E’s face on it.
“So, I figured chocolate spread would be fine because it’s got sugar for the hangover, and hell, who doesn’t like chocolate spread? And before you moan about the mug, who doesn’t like Wall-E?” He smirks, handing me two tablets and a glass of water.
I laugh despite the pounding in my head and take the tablets before answering. “I love chocolate spread, and for what it’s worth, at my flat, my entire cupboard is Disney-themed mugs, so you don’t have to justify it to me.”
“How’s the hangover then?” he asks between bites.
“Pretty bad,” I admit with a slight nod of my head. “But I’ll get over it in a few hours. How about you?”
“I haven’t got one because I didn’t drink a lot.” He winks at me and takes a sip of his tea. “I think I had three small bottles of beer; I drink slowly.”
“Smart!” I snort before finishing the food and swapping the plate for Wall-E. The unspoken memory of our kiss is lurking between us like a massive elephant in the room. I take a small sip of tea, watching him over the rim of the cup. His curls look unkempt from sleep and his cheeks look a little flushed. I wonder if that’s the memory of our kiss last night.
They say alcohol makes the truth come out, and I wasn’t lying last night when I said I wanted to kiss him, but I know having feelings for someone will just complicate my life even further than it already is. I don’t want to bring Matt into my life for him to then get hurt by finding out about the stupid arranged marriage.
It’s been twenty-four hours. I don’t know much about him. He doesn’t know the deep secret that keeps me ticking, but I want him to know. I want to know everything about him as well. He’s like an open-world video game without a mini-map; I want to explore and uncover the map of Matt. Whether that means as friends or more than that, I don’t know. I know I can’t have feelings for him, but the flutter that keeps going off inside tells me otherwise.
“If you want to have a shower or whatever, feel free. It’s a student shower, though, and probably not like yours, but you’d get your own towel.” He smiles, showing me a folded towel for proof. I laugh in response as I finish my drink and pop Wall-E back on the desk. I watch his eyes shine at me and wish more than anything, I hadn’t met him – then I wouldn’t be in the position where we are both clearly attracted to each other.
“Thanks, I’ll take you up on the irresistible offer.” I smile and stand slowly off the bed to find everything around me spinning just a little.
∞∞∞
“Better?” Matt asks when I walk back into the room after the shower. He’s changed his clothes and I can smell some manly-smelling spray mixed with that fresh aftershave that made me smile last night. Thank goodness he’s not wearing that black beanie again, so I can see those irresistible curls. They’re definitely my favourite part of him. Secondary to that tiny dimple that shows when he smiles.
“The hangover’s passed I think,” I answer. “Just wish I’d thought to bring a change of clothes.”
“I can drive you home if you want, save you walking around in heels and last night’s clothes,” he offers. I raise an eyebrow and smile at him. “Yeah, I have a car here.”
“Nice. That would be amazing. I, uh, can’t drive, so I don’t have a car.”
“Whenever you’re ready, let me know, but I need a coffee first.” He leads me out into the kitchen which is empty of people and full of last night’s empty bottles. It looks like someone ordered a pizza and left half of it. “Coffee?”
“No thanks.” I shake my head and sit on the sofa, watching him move around the place. “If you want, I can pick you up a Starbucks or whatever your coffee of choice is on the way. Or pay for it, anyway.”
He laughs. “Is that code for you want to go home now?”
I smile and look down, hoping he didn’t really take it that way. “No, I was going to suggest we could go for a coffee if you want, or I have a coffee machine at home if you prefer,” I offer. He puts the mug down and shrugs.
“Well, now you said you have a machine, I’m down. Let me go and get my shoes,” he says and rushes into his room again. I smile to myself, even though I know I really, really shouldn’t be encouraging this. But then maybe if I tell him where my life stands, he might understand. I have to sit with him for the next three years, I don’t want to make things awkward by blanking him over a kiss, or by not being his friend.
It was one kiss, it’s not like we slept together… as much as I wish it was the latter.
“Right, let’s go see how the other half lives,” he jokes, and he leads me out, jingling his car keys so I can see he does actually have a car.
∞∞∞
I fiddle with the radio which looks like something just as CDs became a thing.
“So, before you ask why I have a pensioner for a car—”
“Matt, you don’t have to explain your choice of car to me,” I cut him off.
“I’m surprised you can’t drive and don’t have a car yourself,” he adds. “Seeing as your dad bought you a bloody penthouse.”
I snort. “A woman driving apparently isn’t the ‘done’ thing in the Webb family, I’m afraid. I may learn while I’m a student, surprise myself.”
“I’m not going to ask,” he decides, just as I find a decent enough station.
“Did you learn to drive as soon as you turned seventeen, then?” I ask.
“Yeah. I had money saved up for it. Sort of. My parents kept a bank account for both me and my brother to learn. My dad taught my brother, Nick, but they never got to do that with me. So, I used the money they kept aside to learn.”
“What happened? Why didn’t he teach you?”
“My parents died when I turned sixteen; Nick raised me until, well, now. Kind of. I have no idea how he managed my grief, to be honest. I was a moody arsehole.”
He seems indifferent to it, though a little sadness seeps through as he clenches his perfectly shaped jaw.
“I’m so sorry.” He moves his hand to change gear and I instinctively put my fingers over his. It’s purely out of empathy and sympathy, but the fire crackles between us, nonetheless. He gives me a quick glance and smiles before his eyes dart back to the road.
“This way, right?” he asks, and I confirm. “You don’t need to be sorry, Ells Bells, it’s just one of those things. They died, funnily enough, in a car accident. A lorry drove right into them; a freak accident they called it. Nick’s four years older than me, already working and they left us some money, so the social workers said they’d give him guardianship, seeing as I was sixteen anyway. The house was already paid off, it was pretty much the best of a bad situation. I think because of that, I kind of want to become as independent as possible, you know. Drive, and have an education, that kind of shit. Not saying you’re not.”
I laugh as I guide him to the allocated parking. “I get that. That must have been absolutely awful.”
“Probably one of the worst moments of my life. So yeah, that’s why I have a beat-up old car: Nick bought it for me as a going-away gift. Well, he lives in Portsmouth, so not far away, but yeah,” he explains. “Let’s go see this coffee machine then!”
“I have a nicer shower than yours, with hotter water as well, if you wanna use it,” I mention awkwardly.
He chortles. “You’re insulting the shower now?”
“You wanted to see how the other half lives . I’m just offering!”
“Well, then, it would be rude not to accept.”
“I’ll even give you your own towel. I have body wash in there that probably costs more than a night in a hotel on a budget as my mum would say.”
“Now I’m sold. Let’s go!”
∞∞∞
“This is so cool,” Matt exclaims as I hand him his fresh coffee. I put mine on the coffee table and put my bag down, unpacking my packet of bluebell bulbs, reminding myself to research how to plant them, though I’m tempted to keep them somewhere where I can see them all the time to make me smile.
“Did you enjoy the shower?” I ask with a smile.
“Well, it was definitely better than the student one, I have to admit. I’m surprised you accepted my offer of a shower at mine after this,” he acknowledges. “This place is just bloody ridiculous. In a good way.”
I smile and sit down in the armchair. “I know. My dad refused for me to go into student halls, and this is his idea of a compromise.”
“Hell, that’s insane,” he says. “A three-bedroom, three-bathroom compromise for what I have? I’ll take that!”
“Trust me, you don’t want my dad.” I raise my eyebrows. “I’d honestly swap with you right now if I could.”
His wet curls are sticking to his head. I just want to go over there and run my hand through them. I want to relive that kiss all over again; kiss those sumptuous lips and get lost in them and let myself be free, but I know if I do, I’d end up breaking him with the truth.
“Do you remember much about last night?” he asks, putting his mug back on the table. I knew this was coming. I knew he wouldn’t let us pretend it didn’t happen. From the little bit I know about Matt already, especially from the way he spoke up in the lecture, I know he’s not the type to brush things under the carpet.
“All of it.” I nod in response.
“You remember our kiss?” He raises his eyebrows.
I laugh. “Matt, I said I remember everything. Why do you ask?”
“I wanted to establish whether it was a drunken mistake to brush under the carpet, or whether you wanted to, I don’t know, go out for dinner or something. I’m not very good at this kinda thing.” He looks away, embarrassed. His ears turn bright red like Rudolph’s nose.
I close my eyes, thinking this through for a second. I could tell him everything and sweep it under the carpet as a mistake. Or I could twist the truth and tell him I’m not looking for a relationship and break it gently. Or I could do what my heart’s telling me and jump right in, regardless of who it could hurt.
“You don’t have to answer, I get it—”
“Matty, it’s not – er, did I just call you that? I’m sorry!” I snort.
“No, I like it. Matty. That’s a new one.” He smiles. “Only you can call me that, though.”
I smile back. “Good, ‘cause I like how it sounds. It suits you.”
“Just like Ells Bells suits you, but only I can call you that.”
“Agreed!”
“If you want to brush last night under—”
“Will you let me finish?” I express with a groan, and he sits back with his hands up in defeat. The smile on his face shows he’s taken it light-heartedly as intended. “I don’t want to act like it didn’t happen. But it’s complicated. I have a complicated life, and to be honest, I don’t want to hurt you. If we go any further, I’m afraid you’ll get hurt, and you deserve so much more than that.”
While he was showering, I managed to get changed from last night’s dress into a simple blue tea dress, seeing as he clearly likes the colour blue. A subconscious decision at the time, but now I know why I did it, and I shouldn’t have. I notice him checking the dress out, or is he checking me out?
“I want to know about your life, Ells. It can’t be that bad. I’m an adult. Barely, but I’m an adult, I can take a complicated life. I mean, I’m an orphan after all.”
I give him a small, sad smile. “Compared to your life, this is really a drop in the water.”
“It’s not to you, though. You can’t compare our lives when we come from different backgrounds and led completely different lives.”
I look into his eyes, and though I’ve only known him for just over twenty-four hours, I feel like I’m completely at ease and at home with him. He makes me want to sing, to tell him everything. He makes me feel alive in this sorry tale of my life, which isn’t even mine to lead. With Matty here, I can be anyone, do anything, and be free.
Maybe that’s why I make the completely random and spontaneous decision to tell him the truth about my life. Or maybe it’s me giving him the option to walk away before we go any further.
“Okay, I’ll tell you. If you want to walk away after I tell you, then honestly, I won’t be offended.”
“I’m sure I won’t.”
∞∞∞
It’s the silence between us when I’ve told him the complete sorry tale that makes me nervous. I was completely stupid; I was stupid to let myself flirt with him, I was stupid for reciprocating the looks, the winks. I was stupid for letting myself kiss him, I was stupid for continuing flirting today, and I was stupid for telling him about the arranged marriage.
“So… you’re telling me your parents haven’t told you the truth about why they’re forcing you to marry this best friend of yours?” Matt finally speaks. I shake my head in response. “And… they’re basically in control of your whole life, including your education?”
“Basically.” I shrug. “I had to fight to get into uni, and my dad had to ask for Dean’s parents’ permission.”
He shakes his head. “That’s disgusting.”
“It’s my life, though.”
“I understand that,” is all he says. I watch him get up and stand at one of the windows, looking out over the marina. “Wow.”
“I didn’t want to lie to you, Matty, ‘cause hell, I’d love to go out on a date with you. I want to kiss you over and over again. But if I do; if I fall for you, then it’ll hurt you and it’ll hurt me. You don’t deserve a temporary love; you deserve so much more than that.”
“Tell them to go fuck themselves, then,” he retorts.
“If I don’t marry him, my family loses everything, literally. There’s more to it though, I just don’t know what it is. No one will tell me more than that,” I reply. “His parents have some kind of hold on me, and this is what they want.”
He shakes his head. The anger radiates off him like a volcano. He folds his arms, straightens his posture and sighs. “This is ridiculous.”
“I know,” I agree.
“Divorce? You could marry him, divorce him in like a month or whatever?” Matt suggests.
“It isn’t the act of a wedding, Matt, it’s the actual marriage. Divorce isn’t an option,” I reply.
“Live apart from him then! That’s more common these days. Do that.”
“It’s the marriage that’s important.”
“So, what, you just live your life looking through other people’s windows? Always seeing something you want but can’t have?” He approaches where I stand by the kitchen bar and his eyes glower into mine. “Because you’re an adult, Ells. Right now, your daddy isn’t around to tell you how to live your life. What is this? The Victorian ages? How exactly are they going to measure your virginity? Because you can lie. Sure, you can marry him in three years, but who’s stopping you between now and then?”
He’s right, and we both know it.
“We can stay friends if that’s what you want, but you fought like hell for these three years from what you’ve told me, so for goodness’ sake, live them how you want to,” he expresses. Those eyes shine into mine and more than anything, I want to grab him and kiss him like there is no tomorrow.
Now is one of those moments from the films – the love interest makes a declaration of love or something and then the two of them kiss and it fades to black, right?
“I’m afraid that if I have that taste of freedom, I’ll never want to let it go,” I admit in a whisper, and we both know I don’t just mean going out and getting drunk every night.
“What do you want?” he asks me.
“I… I don’t want to hurt you, Matty,” I admit, reading those dark eyes as if they were my favourite dog-eared novel.
“What if I told you I was willing to take that risk with you?”
“Then I’d say you can take me out for dinner on Friday night.” I smile despite the warning bells chiming in my mind.
“Then I’d say kiss me once more and I’ll do just that,” he quips and without waiting any longer, I step forward and our lips mould together just like they should.