21
Ella
2 Years Ago— February 2016
“ … and you know what I says to him?” I slur.
“What did you say to him, Ells?” Matty questions. I leave him hanging for a moment, taking a large handful of chips from the kebab tray. He chuckles before saying: “Before you tell me, I’d like to know why you’ve taken the last few chips. That’s more than you can put in your mouth at once!”
I snort, stopping myself in the middle of the empty, dark high street. Though I do notice two drunk girls giggling as they run to the bus stop. They must be much drunker than me – they can walk in their heels, or at least try. My feet are killing me, and the shops are starting to twist and turn, the green colour of the shoe shop twists and contorts like a hypnotist’s spiral.
I put the chips in my mouth at once, regardless, struggling to close my mouth over them, but with a tiny bit of chewing, I manage to succeed.
“Oh, you are something else!” He sighs with a shake of his head.
I chew quickly and swallow the hot chips, instantly regretting it. “I know, amazing, I am!”
“You sound like Yoda!”
“I have… absolutely no idea who that is!” I admit, pointing my finger at his chest before missing a step and collapsing on the floor. “Oops.”
“You have had far too much to drink. Come on, my place is closer.”
“My hero!” I sing and warble our song. He sings along as he pulls me up.
“I love you, Matthew Davenport,” I tell him as he leads me down the high street.
“I love you, Ella Webb,” he replies. “But right now, you need a glass of water and bed.”
“Oh, you’re taking me to bed, are you?” I giggle.
“So, you can sleep, yes. No funny business,” he warns, and I pout. “Maybe when you’ve sobered up.”
“I am very, very sober, sir!” I giggle and salute him.
“Ells Bells, you can’t convince me when you’re giggling, tripping on your own feet, and screaming the chorus of our beloved Rick Astley song across the centre of Southampton!” he chuckles as we round the corner to his place. “But I’ll keep the ‘sir’ bit in mind.”
∞∞∞
“I think this room is blessed,” I decide. I glance at his digital clock; seven in the morning. My head isn’t as bad as I thought it would be for only getting four hours of sleep after drinking the… ridiculous amounts of alcohol I had last night. Just the thought of how much I drank makes me want to puke, so I focus on my words instead.
“Blessed? Isn’t it usually cursed?” Matty asks.
“Well, yeah, but I think the curse demons or whatever—”
He bursts into laughter, and in response, I pout.
He questions, “Curse demons?”
“Well, ye-yeah, what else is going to do the cursing?” I ask.
“Just demons, Ells Bells.” He chuckles. “They are just called ‘demons’, but it’s adorable you think there are specific ones.”
“Well, fuck that. I like curse demons better.” I wave his stupid information off. “Anyway. The curse demons took one look at this place and said, ‘Nah, we don’t like it here’ and turned around. The blessing demons—”
“Blessing demons?” He laughs.
“Excuse me, Mister Davenport, are you going to continue interrupting my story, or can I continue?” I arch an eyebrow at him.
“Continue, please,” he says, though he continues laughing.
“The blessing demons turned up to bless the room. That’s it, that is my story. Now stop taking the piss!” I whine.
“You’re cute!”
I laugh at him now, the dark eyes glistening over with tears as he continues laughing, the way his mouth looks so kissable, the way he just… looks like a pixie sent down with magic dust to fill my life with perfect moments like this.
I wish I could stay like this forever: just Matty and me, alone, completely ourselves with no one to impress, no one to conform to.
It’s so easy; I don’t have to keep my guard up, and I don’t have to pretend to be someone or something I’m not. I don’t have to try and think about what I’m saying, and I don’t have to try and live up to his standards, because he has none. I can wholly and fully be me.
There is no way I’d be comfortable allowing myself to get drunk around Dean. I wouldn’t know how he would act, or how he would treat me. But with Matt, I know if I do get drunk, he’ll keep me upright and give me painkillers before I go to sleep and I’m completely safe, whatever happens. Whenever I would get drunk around Dean, it would be at either his house or mine so I never got to know what he would’ve been like out at a club or pub, but I imagine he would’ve tried it on with me or something funny like that as well. Maybe I’m just being mean; he was my friend once upon a time. Maybe I’m projecting my disgust of our parents on him.
“Why do you think the room is blessed, Ells?” Matt interrupts my contemplation.
“Because this is the room where I first kissed you.” I shrug. “It’s a safe place; I know if I’m in here, it’s because you’re here, and you’re my safe place.”
“Ells,” he sighs wistfully. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I reply. “It’s true though. I know when I’m with you, I’m me. I’m safe to be me, to not be this… business transaction. That’s all I am to them.”
He kisses the palm of my hand; folding it up so his love gets absorbed into my skin and fills my veins, and eventually, every inch of my body so I don’t know what’s my blood and what’s his kiss. “You’re not that, Ells Bells, and you never will be. I’ll make sure of that.”
“I wish I could marry you instead,” I announce.
He looks at me with a serious face, I start to wonder if I’ve annoyed him by saying it.
But the truth is like a dandelion that gets blown into the wind: the seeds will always plant somewhere else and blossom into a new one.
“One day, I promise you, we will be husband and wife. One day, you will wear a white dress and I will vow to never let you go, and you’ll be Mrs Davenport. If you want my name.” He looks at me with absolute conviction so that I actually do believe him.
“I could think of nothing I’d want more,” I whisper.
∞∞∞
“So, I had a very interesting conversation with a person called Matthew this morning during my seminar,” Lily pipes up over her laptop.
“Hmm? Where is he anyway? He promised me he’d show me his essay,” Cate ponders. I roll my eyes and shift on the sofa.
“Work,” I say. “He finishes in… an hour. He said he’d come after work to help.”
“Interesting that you know that Ella!” Lily arches an eyebrow.
“I do sit next to him for lectures,” I say nonchalantly with a shrug.
“You were saying, Lily?” Hannah questions.
“Hm, so he was telling me he was seeing someone,” Lily pipes up. I roll my eyes, of course, he did. I go to the fridge and root around for a can of lemonade. “That’s a lot of beer for someone who doesn’t drink the stuff, Ella!”
“Yeah, all right, you caught me, I like beer now, okay?” I lie, grabbing a can of lemonade for myself. I don’t know why we haven’t told the girls about us. Probably, subconsciously, because we’re worried about it getting back to my family or Dean’s; not that they know my family. Or it could be the rush of a dirty little secret between us. It’s been four months, and no one has noticed.
“Oh, give it up, Ella. We know.” Lily snorts.
“We know what?” Hannah asks, clearly not understanding.
“That Ella and Matt are a couple!” Cate smiles as if she’d just won the Olympics for reading between the lines.
“All right, fine.” I hold my hands up. “Since October, okay?”
“Four months, girl, and neither of you said anything?” Lily’s mouth gapes. “Seriously? Why not?”
I shrug. “The thrill of it being secret? I don’t know. I spent Christmas with him and his brother. It’s just… it’s just not a big deal I guess.”
“Dude… this is… that’s so cute!” Hannah claps like a seal.
“It’s not cute, it’s just… we’re not broadcasting it. It’s just a thing,” I say.
“Our lips are sealed. Well, when we’re out anyway; there is no way we’re keeping quiet when it’s just us five. I could not think of a better couple!” Cate beams.
Something about those words gets to me: I couldn’t think of myself being with anyone else that’s not Matt either, except I have to. In two years and a few months, there won’t be an ‘Ells Bells and Matty’ because I have to face the very real probability that I will have to walk down the aisle and become Mrs Atkins. I have spent the last five months doing fuck all about my predicament and I need to start thinking about it.
“You okay, Ella?” Hannah asks, her hand appearing on my shoulder. “You zoned out.”
“Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m good!” I smile, wanting more than ever to turn to the three of them and spill everything about my family. But more than the support, I just want my life for the next two years to be as normal as possible, and I want to keep my home life and my uni life separate. The more people that know about both Dean and Matty, the deeper I get into a situation that endangers both me and them. The thought of my dad or Dean finding out about Matt genuinely sends shivers up my spine. I dread to think of the lengths or crimes they would go to keep this supposed arranged marriage on the straight and narrow.