25
Ella
2 Years Ago—September 2016
“E lla, it’s time to talk about Christmas, darling.”
I roll my eyes at her from across the dinner table. “Mum, it’s September.”
“Yes, and Christmas is coming soon.”
“I haven’t even started my second year of university yet! Which means we have at least twelve weeks to go!” I laugh, but no one else joins in – so I’m the only one who finds discussion of Christmas in September ludicrous. Not even Dean’s humouring me. He just awkwardly takes a sip of his wine.
“Are you coming home for Christmas, seeing as you spent your holidays with others last year?” she asks
“I’ve been invited back to Essex this year,” I tell her a half-truth.
“Well, you were there last year, darling. You barely spend time with us,” Mum laments, but I know it’s a show for Dean’s family.
“You could all come to ours for Christmas, couldn’t they, Mother?” Dean suggests.
“I’ve already agreed with my friend,” I say.
“She can come to ours,” Dean suggests, and I arch an eyebrow at him.
“Indeed, they can,” Amelia agrees. “We would be more than happy to feed the poor—”
“Mother,” Dean cuts her off.
“I’ll ask her,” I mutter, knowing I won’t win this war. Pick your battles, Ella.
“That’s wonderful!” Mum claps her hands in glee.
I excuse myself from the table and go into the lounge, which is now a deep orange and cream colour, fit with new leather sofas.
“It’s not a nice decoration, is it?” Dean’s voice forces me to jump and turn around. I smirk and shake my head. “I overheard her talking to my mum about colours and wallpaper, so I wouldn’t try to get used to it.”
“Thank fuck for that, this colour hurts my head,” I snort as I collapse on the sofa. He follows suit and sits beside me.
“How have you been?”
“Yeah, good.” I nod. “You?”
“Busy with work. Summer and cruises, you know? I was hoping to give you this.” He hands me an envelope. “It didn’t cost me anything. We’ve got new clients, and they’ve started a new Christmas cruise or whatever. They gave me three tickets as a thank you: one each for my parents and one for me. I thought you might like them. If your friend wants them, or if you want to have them. No pressure.”
The tickets are for over Christmas.
“If you don’t want to spend Christmas with us, Ella, don’t. I just thought it might be nice for you to spend it with your parents. They missed you last year.”
“Thanks, Dean, that’s lovely of you.” I smile and stand up to give him a hug of thanks. He reciprocates and for the first time since we found out about this sham of a marriage, I feel like he’s back to the Dean I knew before the truth came out.
∞∞∞
“Is Nick okay about the cruise? Have I interrupted a family tradition by inviting you both on the cruise?”
“Come here!” He gestures and I sit on his lap, inhaling his scent: fresh, slightly minty aftershave that hypnotises me every time. “There is no family tradition. We spend Christmas together because we have no one else and Christmas growing up was special. I know if both of us spent the day alone, it would just bring back memories. He’s happy I found you, and he seems to get on with you, so as long we’re not alone, we’re happy. Hell, a cruise sounds like fun, Ells. I just don’t want to risk things for you or us.”
I kiss his cheek and burrow my head under his chin, grabbing his hand and threading our fingers together.
“I wish we could stay like this, forever,” I whisper.
“Hey.” He leans his head over and puts a kiss on my hair. I glance at his serious face and sit properly. “We’ll be together for—”
“Matty, be realistic.”
“Just because you might marry him, Ells, that doesn’t mean we can’t be together.” He knits his eyebrows together. “You don’t think we can’t be together despite a ring on your finger?”
“Marriage vows—”
“Are for people who love each other. You don’t love him, so you’ve already broken a marriage vow before you’ve even set a date!”
He has a point, and my silence proves it. He gestures me off his lap, and I move so he can stand. I watch him as he walks across the lounge to stare out at the marina in the dark of early morning.
“Do you honestly think once you walk down that aisle that it’ll be the end of us, Ells?” he demands.
“No, it’s not that, Matty—”
“So what? Because plenty of supposedly happy couples cheat on their spouses.”
I keep silent again; we both know I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’m living in the happy bubble of here and now with Matty, not thinking about graduation or marriage. He’s thinking of the long term.
“When we got together, I knew not to expect a way out. I knew falling in love with you would be dangerous, that it could mean I would never be able to have you fully. Obviously, I hope to God – if there is one – that somehow, we can get you out of it. But in the very real prospect that you don’t, I’ve made my peace with that. All I want is to be with you; to kiss you, to hold you, to spend time with you. If you’re married to him, well, that doesn’t bother me.” He turns back to me. “Do you want that, Ells? Do you love me?”
I stand up. “Of course, I love you. I wouldn’t be risking everything if I didn’t. I haven’t even thought about our lives after graduation.”
“Maybe it’s time we started to,” he suggests. “You just mentioned your marriage vows to me. Clearly, that bothers you. Be honest with me.”
I stay silent. We both know it’s because I haven’t thought that far ahead.
“Ells Bells… do you know what this is like for me? I may have known about Dean and the marriage pact. While being your bit on the side while you’re engaged to someone else isn’t that great, I made peace with it because I am in love with you . But if you’re not in this for the long term with me, then what is the point of being together? I’m in this with you forever, and with your situation, I don’t care if that’s out in the open or whether it’s secrets and betrayals. This is hard on me too. I have to watch you plan a wedding, have kids… have a life with someone that isn’t me.”
His words hit my brain like a storm of hailstones. He’s always made it known that he’s not happy with the arrangement but he’s never, ever said these precise words before.
“Matty—”
“I know this is shit for you more than anyone else, but this is heart-breaking for me, too, and if you’re not willing to break those vows after you make them, what’s the point in us? I sometimes feel like a burden because we love each other, but we can’t be together unless you fight this.”
My eyes narrow, his words tear at my heart. “You’re anything but a burden.”
“Maybe not me , but there is a burden of our relationship. The burden of us is there, Ells. Us as a couple create a problem, not for just you and me, but for Dean, and your parents. Whatever is going on here, if we choose to be together, it causes problems for everyone involved. Whatever is going on beneath the surface must be big. You don’t want to risk that beyond graduation. I will not let there be another burden or be strung along.”
I stand in front of him, and with a leaf-like hand, move a stray curl out of his teary eyes. Seeing him heartbroken breaks everything inside me, but I know this conversation needs to happen whether we like it or not. I decide to go for the truth.
“I’d feel guilty betraying him, no matter if I love him or not. Marriage, to me, is a sacred thing. I guess I’ve always believed that while it may be a loveless marriage, I should still have the decency to fulfil the rest of my wedding vows.”
“Because they knew about it before you were born, Ells Bells. They didn’t instil those values on you because they think it’s really important,” he retorts.
“You will never, ever be my bit on the side,” I whisper, sealing each word into his cheek with a kiss.
“What am I, then? Because once you marry him, that’s it,” he says.
“Married or not, Matt, you’ll be my number one. Forever, and always,” I whisper. His confusion glitters into my eyes and all at once, I forget how to breathe.
“It’s time you started to be more selfish, Ells Bells,” he breathes. “I started you on that path. Maybe it’s time you started walking down it.”
“I don’t want there to be a burden of us . There needs to be just be the us .”
He pulls me into a kiss so desperate I forget how to breathe.