Chapter 34 #3
After a while, I spot Lucille near the front door looking around like she would rather be anywhere else.
I almost go to her, but then I see Marybeth with her mama in the baby goods area.
I stand by a rack of ladies’ rayon stockings and watch them.
They really are the spitting image of each other.
Dark shiny hair, pudgy cheeks, wide bottoms. Me and Lucille are both fair, but there is something very unrelated-looking about us.
Marybeth’s mama flaps her hand at something tacky, and Marybeth watches and does the same.
Maybe the actual difference is I will never, ever act like Lucille.
When they start to gather the necessary school materials, I study how her mama tucks some hair behind her daughter’s ear, smoothing it back from her face.
Get you two a those, honey, she says, rubbing her shoulders soft.
I bet that shoulder business alone would keep a girl sane.
Marybeth won’t ever get the lonesome feeling inside her.
Here I already know I’ll feel sad for the rest of my life every time I look at a can vegetable.
After a while, Marybeth comes over to get me like she said she would. I guess there are some folks you can rely on in this world. Meg, you have GOT to come look at these cute baby dolls.
I follow her to a row of baby dolls in boxes where Gloria is also looking. Each box says Newborn Sized, and there is something clear across the front so you can see in but not get your dirty fingers on it. That was a smart thing to invent.
Aren’t they the cutest baby dolls you ever seen? Marybeth whines, hugging one of the boxes.
I nod to be a part of things but to be honest, I’d rather read a book than fuss with a baby doll.
Which one do you like? I like the one in the blue bonnet. Meg, why don’t you get the pink bonnet one and we can have us a baby doll party!
I just have enough for school materials, I say. I don’t think I can—
But you have to! So we can be best baby doll cousins! Marybeth says.
I’m getting the one with the yellow bonnet, Gloria says and puts it in her basket even though she is too damn old for a baby doll. She is just doing it to show off.
Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll put both baby dolls in my basket so Mama’ll buy me two and then I’ll sneak and give you yours after we ring up. And she reaches up and takes two boxes.
Well. Who can argue with a free baby doll.
At the front door, Lucille is past ready to go home. I hand her my basket, and she lays my school supplies and candy up on the counter with nary a word. Marybeth and Gloria and their mamas are in line behind us. When the man takes the money, the shiny register makes the shiny register sound.
I turn to tell Marybeth goodbye when—
Marybeth, I am not buying you two baby dolls. You need to pick one.
But Mamaaa, I need both, Marybeth whines.
Marybeth, I said no. Now put one back.
But. It’s not for me. She glances my way and whispers to her mama, It’s for Meg.
I put my hands up to show this was not my idea. Lucille is barely listening to this baby doll business, she just wants to get the hell out of here.
Real clear her mama says, Marybeth, Lucille can buy Meg her own toys to play with. Now put the doll back or I won’t buy you either.
Marybeth is dug in, though. She sort of whispers, but she is no good at it. But Mamaaa, you said yourself Grandmama don’t trust Tom’s white trash wife far as she can throw her. It’s not Meg’s fault Lucille don’t get a red cent.
Marybeth! her mama says and looks to see if Lucille heard that. Lucille’s eyes have gone wide. The folks out in the parking lot probably heard that.
What did your fat little girl call me? Lucille says.
Lucille! Marybeth’s mama says. Both of you, that is enough!
Lord. All over a damn baby doll I didn’t even want in the first place.
Lucille sticks a finger in Marybeth’s mama’s face. You need to wash her piggy little mouth out, Rowena, and while you’re at it, wash yours out too. Who knows, maybe it’ll curb your appetite for a few hours.
If it looks like trash and talks like trash … Gloria’s mama says shaking her head. Lucille grabs my arm and near drags me out of there.
Here comes Marybeth’s mama after us, calling Lucille’s name. She catches up with us at our car. Lucille turns around to her with her chin stuck out.
You listen to me, Lucille. Don’t you ever speak to my daughter like that again. Marybeth was trying to do something nice for your little girl because she felt bad for her. Now I’m sure it’s real hard not being on the deposits, but you and Tom made your bed so you’ve got to lie in it.
Lucille jerks her car door open and says, Get in the car, Meg, but Marybeth’s mama is not done. She says, If y’all are that desperate and need things for Meg that bad, I’ll set some of our old toys out in the yard. You and Tom can come by and pick them up tomorrow.
On the ride home, Lucille grips the wheel and lights a cigarette.
She turns the radio up loud. While she flies down the road, neither of us speaks.
I don’t even know who to be upset with. Marybeth ought to’ve known better, and Lucille should’ve kept her mouth shut.
Mostly I am mad since this is bound to hurt my chances to play with Marybeth in the future.
Lucille checks the mirrors and pulls a bottle out from under the seat. She takes a long drink from it, sticks it back under there.
After a while she says, Listen to me, Meg, and listen to me good.
Those Heidelbergs will always treat you and me like they are better than us.
They’ve had everything handed to them. They’ve never been hungry or cold or poor.
So do not be fooled by their Christian smiles.
I guarandamntee you if they saw us drowning, they wouldn’t get their clothes wet to save us.
You and I are on our own in this family, and don’t you ever, ever forget it.
That afternoon I listen in the hall as Lucille tells Tom the story in their bedroom. The whole goddamn family knows we’ve been cut off. We’re a laughingstock! Rowena said she’d set old toys in the yard for us to pick up, like we’re charity cases—
I promise, Lucille, it won’t always be like this, Tom says. If she will just give him a chance to prove to his parents he can do something right. And put the bottle away, it’s two in the afternoon—
No. I can’t go back to being poor, Tom. I won’t do it.
Lucille has got that sound like the air is getting squeezed out her throat.
I lived too long eating dirt—I fought too hard to get away from my brothers and my uncles.
They did … unspeakable things to me. I can’t breathe—I am trapped here, Tom.
I’ve waited long enough. I’m not waiting anymore.
Either you ask her to put us back on the deposits, or that’s it. I’m leaving.
The next morning when Willy May comes in, she does not announce what those cousins are up to today. Law have mercy, Meg, she says and shakes her head. That’s how I know she heard the hullabaloo about yesterday.
You cousin wrote a letter ast me to give you. She sets it on the little table in front of me. It has my name wrote on the front in cursive but not lady cursive. Her handwriting looks like mine does. I see her set one with Lucille’s name on it over on the counter. I open mine.
Dear Meg,
I am sorry I said that about Lucille at the Little store. Please forgive me. I did not mean to hurt anybody’s feelings and it was not Christian of me.
Sincerely,
Marybeth
But there is a second page without a salutation to it like we learned in school. It is wrote messy like Marybeth scratched it fast:
Mama made me write these stupid letters but I am not sorry a bit. Lucille is trash and if she calls me or my mama fat or piggy again she will rigret it. I wish you did not have to live with the bich but I am still your best first cousin friend. I hope we sit next to each other in sixth grade.
Lord, I want to cry, reading that. And even though something tells me that Marybeth will grow up to be just like her mama, she is mine for now. The most I can hope is, spoiled as she is, it will keep her immature for a little bit longer.
After Lucille reads her letter, she goes in Tom’s office. They stay in there a little while and when she comes out, she has a letter of her own. I doubt it is a apology. She hands it over to Willy May and asks her to please deliver it this morning.
That afternoon, well past the reasonable hour, Mrs. Heidelberg’s car comes rolling up the drive. Lord, what now. I leave my school supplies in their exact perfect places and put a petticoat on.
Mrs. Heidelberg walks right on in without even knocking. She is standing in the living room, wearing head-to-toe red.
Lucille comes down all dressed up, with her hair curled like she was expecting the visit. Tom comes out of his office. There is no covered dessert or snack today. Today Mrs. Heidelberg has a paper in her hand.
Won’t you sit down, Isabelle? Lucille asks.
I prefer to stand.
Tom doesn’t say a word. He just looks over at his wife, nervous.
Lucille raises her chin and says, I know you’re here about the letter we sent over. And like it says, I believe we’ve been punished more than enough. And frankly I don’t think it’s fair how we’re being treated in this family. Yesterday I was taunted by my sister-in-law for not having any money—
I heard. I know exactly what was said, Lucille.
Well I … I might’ve said some things I shouldn’t have. But that’s not the point here. The point is Tom and I have proven ourselves to be trustworthy and responsible, and we deserve to be put back on our deposits like the rest of the family.
Mrs. Heidelberg takes a deep breath. What do you take me for, Lucille, a fool? Without taking her eyes off Lucille, she hands Lucille the paper.
Lucille takes it. She licks her lips and frowns, reading it. This is … how—how did you get Little Meg’s adoption papers?
I look at Tom and his mouth drops open. No words come out.
Lord, it is hard to watch. It all happens too slow.
In a deep, scary voice, Mrs. Heidelberg says, Son, how could you do this to me?
Oh Mama, I promise—Mama, we didn’t intend to do it like this. Things … they just got out of hand—
How could you lie to us? After everything your father and I have done for you? How could you look me straight in the face and lie about the money we gave you and Lucille?
I don’t know—I’m so sorry, Mama. It was a mistake—we planned on giving you back what was left of the money, and then pay you back the rest when we could …
That’s right, Isabelle, Lucille says. We always intended to pay you back just as soon as we could. Which is a big fat lie from Lucille. It was just a temporary arrangement. You left us no choice—we had to do it because you took us off those deposits.
At this, Mrs. Heidelberg’s face changes. Her eyes bulge and she shows Lucille her dentures. She draws up to Lucille, and I duck behind Tom with my face against the back of his shirt. I watch from one eye.
You, she says, putting a knotty finger in Lucille’s face.
Don’t you dare turn this on me. You have been a depraved influence on my son since the day you met him.
You are why I have to send Willy May over here to search for liquor and God knows what else—you are everything our family stands against, Lucille.
And then you had the gall to lie to my face about adopting Meg from Mrs. Tann, when all along you picked up an urchin for free.
I expect you to pay every red cent of that money back, do you hear me?
Another girl might be offended at being called a urchin. But after what all I have been called, it hardly stings.
Lucille nods. I have never seen Lucille scared before. The freckles that are usually light on her face are now a bright, ugly pink.
Go get it. Bring me what’s left of my money, Mrs. Heidelberg says.
I’ll … have to bring it by.
Mrs. Heidelberg nods. Just as I thought. You spent it all, didn’t you, on trips to Memphis to see to sick friends while you were really shopping and probably buying bootleg liquor. You should be mortified by your behavior, Lucille.
Lucille stands up straighter at this. Me? What about him? She thumbs over at Tom. None of this would’ve even happened if TOM hadn’t lost all that money at the track! Half your adoption money went to his damn bookie up in New York!
Tom rolls his neck over to Lucille. I am still behind him, so I cannot see his face.
Why would she go and say that when they are in enough damn trouble already?
I want to kick Lucille! This is her damn fault, when all Tom does is tell her she looks beautiful and let’s get some food in you and pour her damn coffee cup.
From my one eye, Mrs. Heidelberg looks ready to faint. Is that … is that true? Was this all because of your doing, Son?
Tom groans. It was from months ago, Mama, I promise. It was to pay debts from eight or nine months ago. I don’t do any of that anymore, I swear, and he reaches for his mama.
Mrs. Heidelberg puts her palms up at him like she does not want him to touch her. I bury my whole face in Tom’s shirt. Now that the jig is up, there is no reason for Lucille to keep me here. I pray this does not mean what I dread.
This is not about money anymore, Tom. This is about trust. Mrs. Heidelberg is panting now. And I can’t … I just cannot believe that letter you sent over today was in your handwriting. You will not be put back on those deposits anytime soon.
No. Of course not, Mama. I understand.
Your father is going to be so disappointed in you, Tom, and I am too. She turns around and leaves like she came, without any of us opening the door for her.
After that, we all three of us sit down on the vegetable sofa. I am on the end, far away from Lucille as I can get. Tom is in the middle. I can feel his heart beating in his hand. I hold on to it, and he is holding Lucille’s next to him. We just sit there for a while, nobody talking.
What good am I to Lucille now that Mrs. Heidelberg told her she knows? The most I can hope for is Tom will stand up to her if she tries to take me back to Oxford.
Lucille is the first to get up without a word. She goes upstairs. Tom is next. I’m sorry, Meg, he says, but I need a little time by myself.
You go ahead, Tom, I tell him. I will be all right. I feel so close to him, I want to cry. He goes in his office, and I go in the library where I don’t feel so alone. I look in the encyclopedia letters awhile.
Later on, I hear Tom tiptoe upstairs. When he comes back down, I peek out and see him at the china cabinet. He puts the key in the lock and turns it.
No, don’t do it, Tom, don’t do it. After all this, I still got to be the old lady’s spy. Don’t make me lie to her about you too.
Tom stands there with his hand on the key, and then he turns the lock back again. He goes to his office and shuts the door, and I hear the typewriter clacking.