Chapter Nineteen Tom #2
I nodded. “I did two tours. First in Iraq, then Afghanistan. During my first tour, I met Matt. We bonded over living three miles apart in Staten Island and meeting thousands of miles away at Camp Victory.” I took a swig of my beer to wet my parched throat.
The next part was gonna get messy. “Matt was a pastor’s son.
He wasn’t even in the closet. He was totally unaware of his sexual orientation, and since this was back in the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell days, what we began together was just friendship. ”
I paused, took a breath, and continued. “The tour ended. We went back home. Matt was honorably discharged. He wanted out. I stayed in the army, worked my way up. We kept in touch and hung out every now and then. During that time, I had a serious girlfriend, Tiffany. One day, he had a terrible fight with his dad. Coincidentally, Tiffany broke up with me that same day. Said I was too cold, too hollow, too much. He called, we got shitfaced in a bar down my street, and ended up in bed. Turned out the fight was about me and him. He was in love with me.” I stared at my hands.
Large. Dry. Callous. Steady. “His father didn’t accept that. ”
“Fucker,” Enzo muttered, putting his food down on his plate.
“Matt was a serial pacifier. He wanted to appease his parents, his community, his God. Which drove me mad. All our fights were over that. We continued the relationship, though he stayed deep in the closet. I was busy with my career in the army, and he had taken a position as a youth counselor in church. It was a fucking mess, but I was too busy building my career to pay proper attention. Before Tiff left, she said I needed therapy. She was definitely right, but I didn’t listen.
Instead, I just pushed through.” Understatement of the century, but Enzo needed to know my exact brand of fucked-up for this to work.
“Matt and I weren’t living together, and barely went out to dinner without him breaking out in hives, but I accepted that because of the circumstances.
Then my second tour came, and Matt was adamant I shouldn’t go.
But we were in a really bad place, and I needed to take a step back from him. From everything.”
Enzo’s soft eyes said all the things his mouth didn’t. That he understood. That whatever had happened, it wasn’t my fault. But it was.
“I did. And when I came back…” I bowed my head. “I found out that he’d married.”
Enzo’s mouth made an O-shape.
“My grandmother, of all people, broke the news to me. She attended his family’s church—still does, actually.
When I heard, I was hurt but not surprised.
I think a part of me had accepted we weren’t meant to be when I signed up for the tour in the first place.
I vowed to never contact him again. I didn’t agree with his decision, but also didn’t want to make his messy situation even worse.
And if he wanted all the other components of the heterosexual life he desired so much, who the hell was I to stand in his way? ”
Enzo nodded, the somber expression on his face making me check another psychopathy trait off my list. He was an empath. He couldn’t be a sociopath.
“Then one day, I was walking down the street, on my way to the grocery store for some beer. And who do I see walking down the street in front of me? Matt, and his new wife, Iris, pushing a stroller.”
Enzo reared his head back, but didn’t say anything.
“I held it together, even though I had strong fucking words, none of them suitable to the ears of small children and respectable women. I introduced myself as his old army buddy. Congratulated him. He looked shell-shocked. For his sake, I tried to move things along as quickly as possible, even as Iris attempted small talk. We parted ways, and I went back to my place. That same night, he knocked on my door, and that thing between us ignited all over again.”
“You fucked a married dude?” Enzo whispered.
I nodded. “I’m not proud of it. But I did. Yeah. For…well, a long fucking while.”
“Does Iris know?” Enzo frowned. “She seems pretty into you.”
“She’s not into me.” I gave him a chiding look, taking a pull of my beer.
“And of course she knows. She’d known three months into Matt and I hooking up again.
He was torn apart about it. So was I. And Iris…
I think a part of her always knew who he was and what he wanted.
She loved him anyway. It was all severely fucked-up.
She hated me back then, of course, and I couldn’t blame her.
Matt would crawl into her bed smelling like me, and vice versa. ”
I knew better than to try to justify my actions during that period of my life.
They were inexcusable. But I also couldn’t ignore the state of mind I was in back then.
The severe PTSD I’d suffered from. The nightmares.
The panic attacks. No one was able to understand.
No one but him, because he’d been through it, too.
Enzo licked his lips. “Where’s Matt now?”
“Dead,” I croaked. “He, uh…” I swallowed. “He took his own life, and I never forgave myself for it.”
“When? How?”
“When Silas turned three. He’s eleven now.
Actually, he did it three weeks after his birthday.
I think he wanted to put enough space between the two dates so Silas’s birthday wouldn’t be overshadowed by it.
It all came to a head. Iris wanted another baby and pressured Matt to stop seeing me.
Said the stress prevented her from conceiving.
He wanted a divorce. One night, I got into a fight with him.
I had a PTSD episode—a bad one. Whenever I did, I’d hit the bottle.
And that night? I drank. A lot.” I closed my eyes.
I’d been rationing my alcohol units religiously and keeping myself on the straight and narrow for the past eight years because of what had happened that night.
“I said some things. Some nasty, inexcusable things. I gave him an ultimatum—divorce or a breakup. I couldn’t fucking do it anymore.
Lead this double life. Drag someone out of the closet when they weren’t ready to be out.
So I made him choose. And, as it turned out, he chose not to choose anyway, because now he’s gone, and it’s all my fault. ”
I released a ragged breath, clutching the edges of the counter for support.
This was why I never lost control. Why I insisted on everything being perfectly organized and utterly clean. As long as I stuck to one glass a week, as long as I stayed in line, people were safe.
“Hey, hey, don’t do that.” Enzo rushed up to his feet, circling the island. He placed his hand on mine, squeezing some of the tension out of my body. “You were both in a terrible position. You can’t take the blame for the hatred and bigotry of society.”
I stared at an invisible spot on the wall.
“That was our last conversation, that fight. I never followed up with him, too pissed and self-righteous to show I gave a shit. As it turned out, the day after, his father had threatened him that if he didn’t break it off with me, he’d out him in front of the entire church.
Make him lose his job, his livelihood. Iris didn’t know about that part.
And me…I was neck-deep in getting my master’s so I could move up the ranks in the FBI and didn’t pay much attention to what I considered family drama.
All this pressure was mounting on him, and I think he’d just had enough. ”
“I’m sorry,” Enzo said quietly.
I nodded, depleted and ashamed. Relaying everything out loud felt worse than stripping bare in front of a room full of people. Maybe worse. Enzo wasn’t just people. His opinion actually mattered to me.
Licking my lips, I pushed on. “I sent Iris and Silas a check every month. Something to cover the mortgage, groceries, the basics. She was a stay-at-home mom, and even though the church tried to help her, there was only so much they could do.
“I hated that she needed the money so badly that she actually cashed them. I never tried to contact her—that seemed too cruel. But I made sure she and Silas were taken care of using whatever means I had. And when my wealthy, childless aunt passed away, I used some of the inheritance she left me to cover the rest of Iris’s mortgage and opened an IRA account for Silas.
I also made sure to send him birthday presents.
Things I thought kids his age wanted—toys, a gaming console, you know, those kinda things.
Sometimes I would pass their house with my car not-so-accidentally, just to make sure they were okay.
Guilt.” I swallowed hard. “I picked up bits and pieces of who they were, what they liked. Silas liked bikes, so I got him one. Iris loved gardening, so I popped her Home Depot gift cards in the mail.”
“You wanted to alleviate some of that guilt,” Enzo said.
I nodded. “Three years passed before I got a knock on my door. Iris stood on the other side with one of the gifts I’d sent Silas that year.
An Xbox. She said, ‘A birthday gift is not enough. He wants cake, too, and for you to help him blow out his candles.’ It was an olive branch, and I took it immediately.
She accepted my silent apology, and I vowed to make it up to her.
We’ve been like family since then. He is practically my kid. ”
“And nothing ever happened between you two?” The wariness slowly faded from Enzo’s chiseled face.
I shook my head. “Never in a million years.”
“She’s pretty,” he pointed out.
“She is,” I agreed. “But all I see when I look at her is Matt.”
“Is this why you’re so closed off?” He balled the empty foil in his fist, slam-dunking it into the trash can. “Because you’re still in love with Matt?”