40. Matilde #2
“‘We’ll get this over with, but don’t make me look at your face or that ugly scar.’ Those were her words. She climbed on the bed, slipped the blindfold on and spread her legs.”
“That is cruel."
"No crueler than I deserved."
"I disagree. But wasn’t she concerned how you might react?”
“A virgin bride, rightly afraid of a man like me? Yes. Not Margareta. She wanted me to be angry. She wanted me to be hurt by her words and attempt to hurt her in return. She wanted it rough.”
“For her first time? What did you do?”
He gives me a rueful smile. “What was expected of me. I claimed my bride. I told myself I didn’t give a shit if she wore a blindfold.
I’d hardened my heart to what women felt toward me by then, but there was no blood like she’d hoped.
” Seeing my confusion, he explains. “She wasn’t a virgin, Matilde.
She’d managed to have an affair right under her father’s nose with one of his soldiers.
She thought if I took her roughly she’d bleed to keep up the facade. ”
“Oh Dio. What happened to her lover?”
“He died shortly before our wedding. A skirmish with the Bratva was the story, but I suspect Russo found out and had him killed for the sake of his pride.”
“Did she love him?”
“I don’t know. She never spoke of it again after she admitted the truth to me.
I told her I didn’t care if she’d had sex before.
I was relieved that her first experience wasn’t with a man that disgusted her while wearing a blindfold.
But my indifference only made her angrier.
She asked for my knife, saying there must be blood. I cut myself instead for the ruse.”
“A bad start to your marriage.”
“It only went downhill from there. Before I left for my Seconda Notte, Margareta suggested I take advantage of the prostitutes there since we wouldn’t be having sex again anytime soon.”
“She blamed you for what her father’s decisions meant for her.”
“I won’t pretend I understood her, but her father is uniquely horrible.
Over time, it became clear she thrived on conflict and drama.
She envied my love for my siblings, especially Caterina, but she wanted nothing to do with me either.
A deeply unhappy woman at heart, and I didn’t have the heart to fix her. ”
“I doubt you could have. Did you act on her suggestion with other women?” I ask, thinking of my father’s actions.
“After realizing what a miserable marriage I was trapped in, I was tempted. Unlike Margareta, they wouldn’t wear a blindfold or look away if I commanded them not to but…
I couldn’t do that. My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage.
I didn’t want to be like him. Our marriage descended into a cold war of indifference with her occasionally trying to provoke me into feeling something for her. Even if it was wrath.”
“Were you ever provoked?”
“No. The most I felt was annoyance and impatience.”
“The children? You had sex with her again?”
“A few times. When Margareta wanted something, she’d come to me, always with her blindfold in hand.
I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else so I’m not going to pretend I refused her.
Eventually, she asked about a separation if she gave me an heir.
Still married in the public eye but living our lives apart behind closed doors.
I agreed, suggesting we use in vitro so we wouldn’t have to… ”
He hangs his head. “Per favore, tell me.”
“I just couldn’t have sex with her anymore.
Not like that. Once she got pregnant, she was upset over conceiving twins, saying I’d tricked her and they would ruin her figure.
I’m not sure how me jacking off in a cup was to blame for two babies instead of one.
As the pregnancy progressed, she grew depressed and started drinking, saying the most horrible things that I won’t repeat.
I locked up the liquor and kept a very close eye on her through Ugo and Enio.
She hated them, and they grew to hate her.
I was surprised she was so insistent on going with me to Cat’s wedding. If she hadn’t…”
Their story is as sad in a way as my parents’, but at least I know he’s not still hung up on feelings for his dead wife. I feel for Margareta, though it’s tempered by wondering how she would’ve treated the twins if she had lived.
“No one could have known the Bratva would attack that day.”
“Our world offers women very little, but protection is something we’re supposed to provide. I failed her, just as I failed Caterina.”
“It wasn't your fault,” I insist. “Did she have any friends here in Chicago?”
“Just one. Cosima Barzetti.”
The wife of a future traitor. A woman full of malice and schemes from what I can tell. “Do you ever wonder if Margareta knew…”
“About the budding Barzetti coup? I have wondered. I’m not sure I want to find out.”
I can’t blame Nico. The acrimony of his first marriage was enough to work past without her conspiring with those who would’ve killed him.
“Earlier, you said you do not want sex with eye contact,” I remind him. Searching his eyes, I seek the courage to ask once more, “Did you mean it?”