Chapter 23
SILVER
This is the best day I’ve had in months.
Even my employees comment on what a great mood I’m in.
Things are finally turning around for me.
There are no worries over losing my diner, and after the holidays, I'll get my property sold and look for a new house. Above all, I don’t have to worry about Lee being in danger anymore. Things are good.
I’m especially pleased when an item I ordered weeks ago gets delivered right after lunch. Lee’s Christmas gift. It took some tracking down, but I think he’ll love it. I tuck it behind the seat of my truck where he won’t see it.
I also sent out the holiday bonuses to my employees along with a reminder that Lucky’s will be closed from Christmas Eve through New Year’s Day.
It’s something Mom always did to make sure they all got a paid week of vacation and time to spend with their families. It’s a tradition I plan to carry on.
Even the thought of Mom doesn’t make me sad today.
I know how proud she would be for how I’ve gotten through this horrible year.
I wish I could tell her about Lee. About how strong and protective and caring he is and how much he’s done for me.
I wish I could tell her I’ve fallen in love with the type of man she always wanted me to find.
I haven’t put myself on the schedule for this week before Christmas break so I can come and go as I need to.
I have more than enough staff to cover without overworking anyone.
I still haven’t decided whether to go to my brothers.
Maybe I’ll just go for a night to see them and then come back to spend Christmas with Lee.
It’s after dark when I get home and the house is empty.
Justus has taken all his stuff from the guest room and either he or Lee has stripped the bed.
I wrap up the gifts I have for my family and friends, then tuck them in the guest room closet.
Lee’s is too bulky to wrap so I’ll just put a bow on it when the time comes.
The smell of beef stew fills the kitchen from the crock pot.
Lee must’ve put it on this morning since it’s already done.
I turn it down to the lowest setting to keep it warm until he gets home.
He had plans to see Lacey today since she’s leaving to spend a week with her boyfriend’s family. That’s probably where he is now.
I’m not hungry yet so I pour myself a glass of wine and turn some music on.
I feel good, but a little restless. My hips start to move with the song as I open the dishwasher to unload it.
By the time I get to the last plate, the wine has loosened me up, and I dance across to the cabinet to put it away, then turn back to see Lee standing in the doorway.
He watches me for a second, his expression unreadable, and I grin, not embarrassed about being caught dancing around with dishes. I close the distance between us, grab his hands, and pull him closer to dance with me.
He obliges, grabbing my hips and matching my movements as I ask. “Did you see Lacey?”
“I spent most of the day with her, exchanged gifts and everything.”
“What did you get her?”
“I put new tires on her car. I’ve been after her to replace them for months.”
The music changes to a soft slow song and David Gray’s voice slides in to sing This Year’s Love. I hook my arms around Lee’s neck and press my body to his, happy to switch to a slow dance with him. It feels like he hesitates for a moment before putting his arms around me.
We sway together under the kitchen lights.
His chest is warm against my cheek, and his heartbeat is steady.
I’ve grown to love listening to it with my head resting on him at night.
I’ve grown to love him. He cups one hand over the back of my head, and I close my eyes.
The house is quiet around us. There’s no tension or threat, just the low hum of the refrigerator, the music, and the shuffle of our feet on the floor.
I lift my head to look into dark eyes, and the words won’t be held back any longer. “Lee, I lo—”
His finger lands softly on my lips before I can finish.
“Don’t,” he says, his voice thick with despair.
The rest of my declaration dies in my throat and is replaced by a lump. Everything inside me feels like it drops to the floor along with my heart.
“I can’t,” he says quietly. “Please don’t.” He removes his finger from my lips and brushes his hand over my cheek. “I’m sorry.”
The song keeps playing but now it sounds like a lament, a plea when no one is listening. I nod, stepping back out of his arms. My hands fall to my sides, and it feels like someone has peeled my armor away, exposing me.
It’s everything I can do not to burst into tears.
“It’s okay. You told me from the beginning you didn’t want more.
I should’ve listened.” When he reaches for me again, I step back, shaking my head.
“I can’t keep doing this. I’ll move my stuff back to the guest room and start looking for an apartment. ”
“You don’t have to—”
“I do.”
He takes a deep breath and nods. I put my wine glass in the sink then walk back and gather my clothes to take a shower. I need to be alone before the tears start because I know I can’t stop them. The sound of his truck starting tells me he’s left again as I step under the spray.
All this time we’ve spent together, all the breakfasts and dinners, all those nights cuddled on the couch and holding one another in his bed.
I let myself think that it meant the same to him that it did to me.
I shouldn’t have said anything when he’s recently lost Isla again, or the chance of finding her body.
I didn’t plan to say it, but it can’t be undone now.
I let myself cry for both of us because I know he isn’t happy either.
He hasn’t returned by the time I’ve dressed, moved my things from his bedroom, and climbed into the guest room bed. I’m going to have to figure out my plan for the next few months, but for now, I just want to sleep. I’m suddenly exhausted.
I’m not sure how long I lie there, my body feeling heavy and worn. As I doze off, all I can think about is him picking me up and carrying me. To a graveyard shed, through a fire, from his couch to his bed, from a tub of water.
He’s carried me in so many ways through the worst time of my life.
I can’t go on like this. The last few days have been torture.
I’ve stayed at work as much as possible and Lee is barely around at home.
When he is, our forced smiles are almost as bad as the long stretches of silence.
Neither of us seems to know how to navigate this.
It’s so hard to miss someone who’s in the next room.
Yesterday, I found myself dreading going home and I knew I couldn’t keep doing this to both of us.
I arranged for Camille to oversee things at Lucky’s for a few days until we close for the break.
My brothers were thrilled to hear I’d be coming for Christmas a couple of days early, and Calli said she’d be happy to keep Goblin for me.
My truck is all packed up, and I’ve left Lee’s gift on the kitchen table. As soon as I hear his truck pull into the driveway, I scoop up Goblin, head outside, and put her in my passenger seat.
Lee waits for me when I close the door. “I wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye,” I tell him.
“You don’t have to go anywhere.” The pain in his voice shreds me.
“It’s too hard,” I confess. “I need to get my feelings under control. I’m going to my brothers’ house for a bit, and I’ll find a place when I get back. I’ve got my money straight. I’ll be okay.” Despite him not loving me, I know he’s still worried about me.
He brushes my hair out of my face and looks into my eyes for a long second. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong.
I’m not angry. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me.
You saved my life. You helped me more than anyone ever has.
” I lay my hand on his chest. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known, and I hope you find a way to be happy.
You deserve it.” My voice cracks, and I know I need to go before I end up sobbing.
I force a smile. “It’s not like we won’t see each other again.
We’ll be friends. I just need some space first.”
He pulls me into his arms and holds me so tightly it feels like we might shatter and blow away in the bitterly cold wind. His voice comes out rough when he lets me go. “Be careful. It’s supposed to snow tonight. Will you text and let me know you made it safely?”
I wonder if he understands that there’s love in that? There’s been love in so many of the things he’s done for me. “I will.”
My heart sits heavily in my chest as I climb into my truck. I glance in my rearview mirror as I pull away and see him watching me from the porch.
When I stop to drop Goblin off at Calli’s, along with the gifts I have for them, Arlow scoops her out of my arms as soon as I enter.
“Hey, look who’s back. I have those treats you like,” he says, and my cat gives him an affectionate forehead bump.
“I will be coming back for her!” I call, laughing as he carries her away.
Calli leans in to whisper. “I’m getting him a kitten for Christmas. It’s all arranged. I have to pick it up at the shelter on Christmas Eve.”
“He’s going to love that.”
Maybe it’s my tone or the expression on my face, but she knows something’s up. “Let’s go to my room so we can talk.” She closes the door behind us, shutting out the noise of the house, and sighs. “I love Arlow’s family, but I’m looking forward to peace and quiet again.”
“Thank goodness for birth control and vasectomies.”
“Absolutely,” she agrees with a chuckle.
We sit on the edge of her bed. “What’s wrong? Is Grady not holding up his end of the agreement? Are they messing with you again?”
“No, everything’s good there.” I’m not sure how to start. “I’m not going to stay at Lee’s anymore. When I get back from Peoria, I’m going to get a hotel room until I can find an apartment. It shouldn’t be for long.”
Calli tilts her head and asks softly, “Did something happen with Lee?”
God, there’s a long story that I can’t even tell her half of. I get to the heart of it. “I’m too attached.” My voice cracks, and Calli reaches for my hand.
“I could see that on Thanksgiving. But the way Lee looked at you, I thought maybe he was too.”
“No. He’s…” What is he? Too damaged and traumatized to love again? Too focused on the things he’s lost? Too overwhelmed by guilt for things that weren’t his fault? “He doesn’t want that.”
“I’m sorry,” Calli says.
“It’s okay. You tried to warn me.” I wipe away a tear that leaks out.
“Are you in love with him?”
I nod and take a deep breath. “At least, it sure fucking feels like it. I wasn’t this torn up when I caught Kyle cheating.
Maybe because I was too angry to be heartbroken, and I can’t be mad at Lee.
He’s done so much for me, and he told me from the beginning that he’d never want anything more than a friend with benefits arrangement.
It isn’t his fault. But it’s been so much, grieving for mom, the house fire, and fighting for the diner. ”
Not to mention almost being drowned and Lee killing the man responsible. “Maybe it isn’t love, you know? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed and not dealing with it well now that it’s all over.” Even as I say it, it feels like wishful thinking. I was happy until Lee stopped me from saying those words.
“Some time away and distance is a good idea to help you sort out what you’re feeling,” she agrees.
“Either way, I’ll be alright.”
Calli gives me a sad smile. “You absolutely will. But you aren’t going to a hotel. Arlow’s family is leaving the day after Christmas. You’re staying here.”
“No, you’ve had company for two months. I’m sure you want to be alone with Arlow. I’m not moving in right after they leave.” When she opens her mouth to object, I add, “And I think I need some time alone to figure things out too.”
“Then stay in the cabin here. You said it wouldn’t be for long. Then we can hang out when we want to, but you’ll still have space. I’d love to have you here. We’ve barely seen each other for the past couple months.”
I pull her into a hug. “Okay. Don’t go to any trouble with the cabin.”
“Go see your brothers. Get through the holiday and things will seem better. Then we’ll get trashed on New Year’s Eve.”
“That sounds good,” I laugh, getting to my feet. “Thanks girl. I’m going to go. I have a long drive ahead of me.” After a moment, I add, “Maybe Arlow could check in on Lee? Lacey’s gone through Christmas, and I know he’s hurting too.”
“I’m sure he is,” Calli replies, her voice full of sympathy. “We’ll check on him.”
When I return to my truck, I put on one of my favorite playlists, turn the music up loud, and head for the highway.
It doesn’t start to snow until I’m about an hour away and I welcome the distraction.
I take my time as it coats the streets, making everything look bright and clean, and my mood improves as I look forward to seeing my brothers.
As soon as Sean throws open his front door and shouts “Shiny!” and they both pounce on me, I know I made the right decision.