Chapter 29
LEE
“Are you sure you’re ready to go back to work?” I ask Lacey as she scoops up her purse and keys from the table.
“Yep. I just want to get back to normal. Nick’s meeting me afterward to go to the movies and dinner.”
Good. I’m glad that one of us isn’t struggling to leave that night behind. It’s only been a week, but I’m a mess. I can’t sleep for shit, don’t have an appetite, and all I do is keep running the things I’ve learned through my head.
Silver thinks that Isla was the one who tried to drown her, who set her house on fire, but I can’t imagine her being capable of that.
I desperately want to believe Xavier took her, used the years to threaten and brainwash her, that she was afraid to leave him.
Then I hear her voice shouting that I was boring.
That I tried to turn her into a housewife and mother.
That she never loved me, only the excitement of being with a man who did dangerous things.
Was she only trying to keep Xavier from killing her or was it the truth?
Then there was Silver, not begging for her life, but furious for what they’d done to mine.
Silver, who only ever tried to love me regardless of the things I’d been through and done.
I miss her every second. One of the hardest things this week has been realizing that what I’ve felt these past years wasn’t about love, not really.
Sure, I loved Isla. Of course I did, she was my wife. But it was the guilt that was eating me alive and keeping me from letting anyone else get close.
“I’ll see you tonight,” Lacey chirps, and bounds out the door.
With Lacey occupied, today would be a good day to visit Joshua and wrap things up like Arlow promised him we would. Arlow agrees when I call him, and I drive over to pick him up.
I haven’t seen Silver since that night and I’m not ready to.
I don’t resent her. She didn’t ask for any of this, and what she was put through because of me breaks my heart.
I chose her life over Isla’s and that hits me every time I picture her face, even though I don’t regret it for a second.
In the end, I chose. Now I have to live with it.
Isn’t that what we all do? Make our choices and live with them.
Still, I look for her truck when I pull in Arlow’s driveway. “Did Silver go back to work?” I ask as he hops in the passenger seat.
“A couple days ago. She and Calli are out shopping today.” When my only response is a nod, he adds. “She’s doing well.”
“Good.”
We don’t talk much on the drive to the tattoo shop. Arlow thought visiting him there might be better and freak the guy out less than going to his house. If he’s even staying at his house. I sure as hell wouldn’t be if the last thing I heard was that someone wanted me dead.
Joshua looks up from the tools he’s sanitizing, his back stiffening at the sight of us. Arlow holds his hands up. “Everything’s fine. We wanted to return your phone.”
His shoulders relax and he nods. “I haven’t heard from Lisa.” I look around and he realizes my concern. “There aren’t any cameras. It causes too many privacy issues when people have to take their clothes off.”
“Xavier killed her,” I reply and he takes a deep breath.
“Because of me?”
I know exactly how he feels at that moment. “No, it was more complicated than that.” He deserves to know the truth. “Isla…Lisa was the one who was trying to blackmail me to kill you. So that Xavier wouldn’t find out she cheated. But he showed up, everything came out and…neither survived.”
He sits down heavily. “She wanted me dead.”
“I’m sorry,” Arlow says. “But this means you’re safe now and so are your children. No one else knows about any of this and they won’t be found.”
Joshua nods, trying to take it all in. “Did you save the person she took from you?”
Arlow leans against the table beside him. “We did. She’s okay.”
“And you’re sure no one else knew anything? No one’s going to show up at my place looking for her?”
“No, you’re safe,” Arlow replies.
“Don’t get it fucked up though. You and your family are safe as long as you never speak of any of this to anyone,” I add, my threat clear.
“I just want to forget this shit ever happened.” I know how he feels and best of luck to him. He rubs his chin. “Fuck, I can’t believe I was so wrong about her.”
Tell me about it. “Did you do the tattoo on her chest?” Arlow blinks, surprised at my question. I haven’t mentioned what I saw to anyone.
“The bird? Yeah.”
“Was Xavier with her? Did he force her to get it?”
“No, that was before I’d even worked on him, actually.
She found me first and introduced us when he wanted ink done later.
” He pauses and thinks back. “She came in alone and she was excited. She went on about how Xavier was her murder bird, and she wanted to surprise him by getting it done. I always try to talk people out of getting names, but she insisted.” He shrugs.
There’s only so much denial a man can live in and mine has just been blown apart.
I vaguely hear Arlow tell him that we won’t be bothering him again as long as he doesn’t tell anyone, and the bell dings above the shop door as we leave.
I start my truck and sit there for a minute. “She left me for a pimp. She faked her death and let me believe that I got her killed for all these years. To be with him.” Arlow looks over at me with a solemn nod. He seems to understand I need to say it aloud.
“She destroyed me and even that wasn’t enough. She used the grief and guilt she caused to manipulate me. As soon as I managed to love someone again, she tried to take her away.” I shake my head, trying to let the truth sink in. “She never loved me. No one has ever hated me more.”
The next few weeks are hard, but nothing compared to the years I held myself responsible for Isla.
My emotions are all over the place, with anger taking the forefront.
Because how fucking could she? How could she do that to me?
When I think back to that time, to getting custody of Lacey, to buying this lake house, she never once said it wasn’t what she wanted.
If she wasn’t happy, why couldn’t she just tell me?
Leave me, divorce me, whatever. It’s an answer I already know, spoken from her lips, even if I don’t want to accept it.
She wanted excitement. It wasn’t the fact that I was doing good for people as a vigilante that she liked, only the danger of it.
She had no problem moving onto a man who rented out women like they’re not even human.
Faking her death must’ve been a thrill. It says so much about who she really was.
The realization leads me to the guest room closet where I grab the dress and our wedding photo. Lacey comes home just as I’m tossing them on the bonfire.
Her hand slips into mine. “Hey,” she says. “What are you doing?”
“Letting her go.”
She leans her head against my shoulder. “I’m glad.
” She stands with me, silently watching them burn for a minute.
“You should know I told Nick that I was drugged and robbed by my roommate. I hate to lie but he knew something was wrong and I couldn’t tell him the real truth.
We’re talking about moving in together soon. ”
“Is that what you want to do? Because you can stay with me as long as you want.”
“I know, but I’m fine, really. It’s not only that I don’t want to live alone.” She looks up at me and shrugs. “I’m in love with him and I want to be with him every day.”
At the mention of being in love, my mind goes straight to Silver.
I know I’m in love with her. I knew it when she tried to confess her love to me, but I couldn’t accept it then.
Every day I want to go to her, but I’ve resisted.
So much has happened, and I need to know I’m not too fucked up, not too broken.
“That’s a good reason.”
“Did you hear about the snow coming tonight? They’re saying it could be like last year’s shutdown storm. All snow, no ice though.”
“Yeah, I took a few trips earlier to stock all the cabins up on firewood and make sure they had enough propane.”
She looks up at me. “Would you be okay if I went and got snowed in with Nick for a few days? I won’t leave if you don’t want to be alone.”
I look down at Lacey and for the first time, I see the capable caring woman she’s become instead of the sixteen year old I raised. “I’ll be fine. Have a good time.”
“I plan on it,” she chuckles, turning to go. “I’m going to go before the snow starts then.”
“Don’t drive back if the roads are too bad. Wait until everything’s clear or call me if you want a ride. Your little car will get stuck.”
She promises and heads off with a smile to stay with her boyfriend.
After she leaves, I watch the fire burn down to nothing.
I wonder what Silver’s doing. Is she excited about a snowstorm?
I remember how she looked up at the sky, the flakes falling around her as we walked to my truck on Thanksgiving.
It seems like so long ago, and it’s barely been two months.
I pick up my phone to text her and can’t find the words to type. I set it down, pick it back up again, and almost hit the button to call her, but what am I going to say? I can’t call. I need to see her in person.
Now.