Chapter eight #2
“I miss him too,” I say, even though I can feel my heart twist in my chest as I do.
My relationship with my father was complicated, but of course I miss him.
Of course I live with regrets that no matter what I did, no matter how many times I was deployed, and no matter how much I’d changed with each return, it never seemed to be enough to earn his respect.
He never wanted me to dedicate my life to the Marines, and what irks me the most is that he never gave me a good enough reason why.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to go to the dinner without him. I know they’ll probably say something about him, and I don’t want to break apart in front of everyone.”
“Well, we’ll all be there to support you. Dad would want us there to honor a cause that was so important to him.”
Even if he never honored my choice.
“I know.” She sighs, melting into me more. “Even though I never wanted you to see me like this, I’m glad you’re here, Dallas.”
“Me too, Mom. I love you.” I press a kiss to the top of her head, holding her close to me. “I wish I could take your pain away.”
“Sometimes I wish that too, but grief is just love with nowhere to go, Dallas. That’s a feeling that is both a blessing and a curse.”
This is what happens when you love someone and they leave—either physically or emotionally. Pain that can borderline on intolerable rests deep in your soul and threatens to stay until you can’t possibly fathom existing without it.
I feel my mother’s pain because I have my own that haunts me too—the loss of my father, the loss of my fellow soldiers, and that mother—the one I couldn’t save.
“I had that dream again,” I say, breaking the silence that had settled while I gave my mother time to collect herself.
Her sigh has her relaxing in my arms more. “I’m sorry. Dreams can be devilish little suckers.”
“Yeah. But…it was different this time, too.”
“How so?”
“The woman’s face wasn’t hers. It was…someone else.”
“Who?”
“I’m not sure,” I lie, not wanting to bring up my mixed feelings about the new girl in town with my mom right now, feelings I know I shouldn’t be entertaining at all.
“Well, sometimes our minds will play tricks on us, make us think one thing when there’s really an entirely different meaning behind it.”
I huff. “Yeah. Sounds about right.”
“Is that why you came over here? Because you had a bad dream?” she teases, pushing herself from my shoulder so I can see her face now.
The lilt in her voice makes me grin. “Maybe.”
She smiles, and fuck if the sight doesn’t make me feel ten feet tall. After seeing her moments ago, cradled on the floor, the bright white of her teeth is bringing a sense of comfort.
On our hardest days, it’s important to remember that we survived every single one that came before it.
“Good to know that my motherly powers are still intact.” She pulls me in for a hug. “I love you, son.”
“I love you too, Mom. We’ll get through this. I promise.”
***
“Hey.” Penn walks through the front door of the restaurant just after two, sweaty and covered in dust.
“Hey,” I reply. “What have you been up to?”
“I was over at Willow’s house, starting on some of the demolition.”
Just the mention of her name has my pulse spiking. I’ve lasted a few hours without letting her cross my mind, but work can only serve as a distraction for so long. “Is that so? What are you starting with?”
“Ripping out the shower in the downstairs bathroom. Since it’s something she won’t use, we thought we’d start there first. I want to do as much on the inside as I can while I wait for the materials for the roof.
” He moves around me, reaching for a glass and filling it with water, draining the entire thing in one long drink.
“Sounds like a good idea.” I’m not sure what else to say that won’t make it seem like I’m fishing for information, but part of me wants to know everything I can about the house—or about her.
Penn flicks his eyes over to me, reading my mind. “Just ask whatever it is you want to ask, Dallas.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I strengthen my stance. “I can’t believe you’re helping her.” Okay, that’s not what I planned on saying, but apparently my mouth took over my brain.
The smirk he flashes has me itching to put him in a headlock. “Why not? It’s good money. Surely you can’t fault me for wanting to be able to pay my bills.”
“I’m not. But it’s her, and it’s that house.”
“Does it matter? Or is your problem more about the fact that you want to fuck her, and not that she’s living in the place that you’ve already claimed as your own?”
I shake my head at him, clenching my jaw. “You’re a dick, and you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“No, I believe you’ve claimed that role with the way you’ve treated the woman since she got here.
” After she left the bar last Friday night, I told Penn briefly about our interactions thus far, but he doesn’t know about what happened yesterday with the chair.
“And contrary to what you remember from grade school, being a dick to a girl is not an acceptable way to tell her that you like her.”
“You’ve got it all wrong, Penn.” I slap the towel down on the bar and then move to walk away from him.
“Not so fun to be ridiculed about your crush, is it?” he calls after me, stopping me in my steps.
I spin to face him once more, striding back up to him, poking a finger at his chest. “This isn’t the same thing. I barely know this woman, and the situation is completely different.”
He straightens his spine, locking his eyes with mine. “No, it’s complicated, and so is the shit between Astrid and me. So maybe you’ll finally leave it alone because now you know what it feels like.”
I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose, taking a step back. “I don’t want to fucking fight with you today, all right? I slept like shit and I’m just…frustrated, with a lot of things. And I went and saw Mom today.”
He softens his stance instantly. “Is she all right?”
“Yeah. She’ll be okay, but she was crying, man. The invitation to the veterans’ dinner came in the mail.”
“Jesus.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Is she going?”
“I think so. I think we all should, actually. It would mean a lot to her, and to Dad.”
He nods. “Yeah, I agree.”
“I just hate seeing her like this, you know? She’s alone, and it fucking kills me.”
Penn stares off to the side. “Same. I don’t know what’s worse sometimes—loving someone and losing them, or never letting people in and dying alone anyway.”
Fuck. I hate that my brother’s words hit me so hard.
The older I get, the more I wonder if I’ll ever settle down or have a family. I always envisioned that being the end goal, but as each day passes, that vision gets blurrier. It’s hard to accomplish something like that when you live a life of solitude.
By your own choice, Dallas.
“Since when did you become philosophical?”
The corner of his mouth lifts, easing the seriousness of the conversation slightly. “I don’t know. It’s just been on my mind a lot lately.”
An image of Willow standing in front of me with her hand on her hip flashes in my mind. “Well, whatever is meant to be will be, right?”
“You sound like Mom,” he says with a grin. “Why don’t you just try to talk to Willow about the house again, Dallas?” he asks, shifting the subject back to where we started.
“It’s pointless. I got a flat-out no.”
He shrugs. “Maybe because you were acting like an ass to her every time you crossed paths.”
“I wasn’t…”
“Uh, yeah, you were. But maybe making things right with Willow will help your cause.”
“What makes you think I need to make things right?”
“She kept bringing you up today, asking questions about why you act the way you do. I think she was trying to be casual about it, but I saw right through her.”
“And what did you say to her?”
“I said she should ask you herself. She didn’t like that reply very much.” He grins.
“I built her a chair yesterday,” I admit, which has his eyes bugging out.
“Oh, shit. How did that happen?” I relay the details of our encounter, which only makes him smile more. “That’s a good start to smoothing things over, I guess.”
“I’m not sure that it’s enough.”
“Look, Dallas. You act like a dick most of the time, but that’s not who you really are. And if you want any hope of this woman selling this house to you eventually, you need to kiss her ass—both figuratively and literally, if you want to.”
I shove his shoulder. “Shut up.”
“Seriously, though. Why don’t you come over and help me a few days with stuff, let her see that you’re not a bad guy and you care about the work being done right. Not that I can’t handle it, but you get what I mean.”
“Yeah, I hear you. And truth is, I wouldn’t trust anyone but you to work on that house.”
His mouth drops open as he slams his palm to his chest, mockingly. “A compliment? From you? You must not be feeling well,” he chides.
“Don’t make me fire you.”
As my mind whirls with ideas, something sparks, and Penn sees it on my face.
“Uh oh. Does the look on your face mean the light bulb finally clicked on in your brain?”
I nod and flip him the bird at the same time. “Yup. If this woman wants her ass kissed, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
“Just use protection,” he mutters as he walks away.
But I don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. I’ve got work to do.