Chapter five #2
We did, but she doesn’t need to know that. “He’s not good enough for you,” I say instead—because it’s the fucking truth.
“I’m not going to marry the man, Penn. It’s just dinner.” Then she straightens her spine and steels her gaze. “And you know what? It felt nice to be wanted. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.”
If she only knew how badly I want her, how much I fucking crave her.
Does she not think about that night as much as I do?
Tell her, Penn. Tell her and remind her what that kiss felt like three years ago. Show her how she makes you feel, how she makes your body come alive—how being with her feels like breathing.
“Astrid, I…” I fucking want you.
“Mommy?” Lilly comes down the hall, rubbing her eyes.
Fuck.
It’s just as well. Letting the truth run from my lips would only do more harm than good.
Astrid instantly softens and approaches her daughter. “What’s up, baby?”
“I had a bad dream.” Her bottom lip trembles.
“You were barely asleep so I’m not sure that’s possible.” Astrid rubs Lilly’s back and rolls her eyes at me. “Let’s go back to bed and twirl your dream catcher, okay?”
She nods, her eyes half closed already. “Okay.”
Rubbing the back of my neck as Astrid walks away, I say, “I think I’m gonna take off.”
She nods hesitantly, a crease between her brows still, but her shoulders fall. “Okay. See you at the bakery in the morning?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
“Good night, Penn.”
“Good night, Astrid.”
I watch the girls walk down the hallway and then I head for the door. I can feel her eyes on my back for a moment, and I almost turn back around. But what would I do?
It’s not like I can change her mind. It’s not like I can tell her that the thought of her going out with Dick or any man that isn’t me makes me want to vomit and explode at the same time.
And even though I live for our game nights, part of me feels like it’s just another thing that keeps me firmly planted in the friend zone.
But that’s where you chose to live, Penn, and that’s where you have to stay.
Astrid belonged to Brandon first and she always will on some level.
And now she may belong to Dick Cockwell.
Lava is boiling inside of me, and I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I erupt. I just hope I don’t create a crack in our friendship that is beyond repair when I do.
Because hurting my relationship with Astrid isn’t an option. It’s why I’m still on the outside of this wall between us, knowing that everything will change once it’s torn down.
***
“Penn. Are you listening to me?” Dallas snaps his fingers in front of my face, pulling me out of my head.
“Sorry. What?”
“Jesus, what is going on with you tonight?” He hands me the tray of drinks. “Take these to table seven, please.”
“Yeah. Got it.”
I trudge away, trying to shake off the image that’s been on repeat in my brain since eight o’clock this morning.
“So, did you give any more thought to my question from last week?” Dick rocks back and forth on his heels, his hands in his khaki dress pants as he waits for Astrid to answer him.
She tucks her hair behind her ear as her cheeks pink up.
And even though I’m hiding behind the swinging door that separates the front and back of the bakery, I can still see the change in the color of her skin.
“I did.” Dick doesn’t say anything, just waits for her to continue.
“I think…I’d really like to go out with you sometime. ”
If she wasn’t standing right in front of him, I bet he’d fist pump the air. Instead, his smile becomes blinding. “That’s great, Astrid.”
“My schedule is kind of crazy though, so…”
“I’ll be free whenever you are,” he says, cutting her off. “Why don’t we exchange numbers and try to set something up for next week?”
She nods, but it’s not confident, and her hands are shaking as she reaches for her phone.
Meanwhile, I’m clenching my jaw so tight that I might just crack a fucking tooth.
After they exchange numbers, Dick grabs his box of baked goods and leaves the store.
And I have the strangest desire to go out after him and break every one of his fucking fingers so he can’t touch her—ever.
Once I drop off the drinks at the table and clean the one right next to it, I toss the empty drink tray on the counter behind the bar and blow out a long breath.
“All right. What’s got your balls all twisted up?” Dallas leans over to me as we rest our backs on the counter behind us, watching the restaurant run around us.
“That’s a visual I never needed to conjure up.”
“Well, that’s how you’re acting.” He raises one brow in my direction. “You’re scaring my customers.”
“I am not,” I argue.
“Sure. You didn’t see the looks on the faces of the two women at table eight as you stomped away after delivering those drinks to table seven.”
I turn my attention to the elderly women sitting there as one looks in my direction, assessing me with wide eyes.
“I’m just tired.”
Dallas shakes his head at me. “Nope. Not buying it.”
“Hey, gentlemen.” Of all the fucking people to come into Catch & Release tonight, it had to be this fucking guy.
Dick Cockwell stands on the other side of the bar, grinning like a fucking fool, like he had the best fucking day of his life, and you know what? He probably did since Astrid agreed to go out with him.
I know I’d feel the same way.
“Richard. Good to see you,” Dallas greets him as he pushes off the counter behind us and reaches out to shake his hand.
“Same to you. I was craving the fish and chips, so I stopped to grab some on the way home.”
“Did you call your order in?”
Dick nods. “Sure did. Although, it was weird hearing someone other than Astrid answer the phone.”
Dallas eyes him curiously. “Yeah, we really miss her around here.”
“Her baking skills are being put to better use now though, aren’t they?” Dick turns his eyes to me, a cocky grin on his lips. “How’s it going, Penn?”
I glare at him, debating how many bones I could break in his body with one punch. “It’s going.”
“Still doing work on Astrid’s shop?”
“Yup.”
“Did she tell you she agreed to go out with me next week?” he says, and Dallas’s head twists in my direction so fast that I’m surprised he doesn’t topple over.
“Was she supposed to?” I counter as my blood pressure rises.
Dick shrugs as Dallas blows out a breath and intercepts Dick’s order from one of the other waitresses that just finished packaging it up from the kitchen. “I just thought you two were friends and you were there when I asked her out, so…”
“Richard, let me ring you up at the register,” my brother interrupts, and in that moment, I’m grateful that he did. Otherwise, the tension in my jaw was about to crack my skull in two.
“Thanks. See ya around, Penn.” Dick fucking waves at me as he walks away. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and then head toward the back of the restaurant, slamming the swinging door against the wall as I walk through it.
I run my hands through my hair and fucking seethe, looking for something to punch but knowing that won’t fucking help. And besides, Dallas’s restaurant doesn’t deserve to be the victim of my anger.
A few minutes pass by as I pace and then I hear Dallas come up behind me. “So, I think I figured out why you’re in a pissy mood.”
I glare at him over my shoulder. “Fuck off.”
“Hey, you have every right to be pissed off, Penn.” I eye him skeptically. “I guess my question for you is, what are you going to do about it?”
“What am I supposed to do, Dallas?”
“I mean, are you just going to stand by and do nothing? Or are you going to fight for her?”
Dropping my hands to my sides, I stare at him. “I can’t fucking do anything, Dallas. And you know that.”
Dallas scoffs. “God, you’re so fucking stubborn.” Then he shakes his head. “You know what? No, stubborn is giving you too much credit. You’re a fucking coward!”
My desire to punch Dick just instantly shifted to my brother. “I’m not a fucking coward!”
“Yes, you are.” He pokes me in the chest, but I don’t budge as he gets right in my face.
“You’ve been pining after Astrid for years, and now she’s about to slip through your fucking fingers, and you’re going to just watch it happen?
” I stay silent, meeting his glare with my own.
“I thought more of you, Penn. I really thought that eventually you’d get over this hero complex, stop putting Brandon on a fucking pedestal, and finally go after what you want. But I guess you’re just too scared.”
His words sting because deep down, I know he’s right.
I am scared. I’m fucking terrified.
It’s why I never pulled the trigger on my business idea.
And it’s definitely why I never said anything else to Astrid after that night—because the reality is, she could turn me down again—and she probably would.
“If you don’t fucking say anything, you’re never going to know, Penn. And she will move on eventually, but not with you. That’s the truth you need to face.”
Keeping my composure but vibrating with adrenaline, I say, “What if it fucking ruins everything, Dallas? What if she turns me down again, or it makes things weird between us? I can’t lose having those kids in my life.”
He crosses his arms over his chest and takes a step back.
“Well, seeing as how you never told me what happened between you two, I can’t give you my honest opinion.
Regardless, that was a long time ago. You’ve both changed since then.
And bottom line, living with regrets fucking sucks, Penn. At least trust me on that one.”
My chest starts to ache because regret has been a close comfort lately, especially in the last week.
“When I took my chance with Willow, despite the complicated situation between us, you were the one that told me to make a decision, and I did. And it was the best fucking decision of my life.”
“This is different.”
“It’s taking a chance, Penn. There’s always excuses you can make to talk yourself out of what you want, but if you never try, you’ll never know.
That’s the harsh truth of it.” He rests a hand on my shoulder now, making me tense up even more.
“Take off the rest of the night. Me and the crew can handle the rush. Figure out what the fuck you want to do and do it quickly because the last thing I want is for you to look back later and realize this was the moment that your entire life changed for the worse because you didn’t take a chance on getting the life you wanted—the life you fucking deserve. ”
Dallas walks away from me, back out to the main part of the restaurant, and I stand there for a few moments, getting my thoughts together.
Once I feel composed enough to drive, I find my keys in the office, exit through the back of the building, and hop into my truck, headed straight for my rental property where I can process everything.
With my safety glasses on and rock music blaring from my portable speaker, I take a sledgehammer and go to town on the kitchen counters, breaking up the old tiles and smashing the cabinets to pieces.
Every swing helps me channel the anger that’s been building in my body.
Every crash of ceramic on the floor makes me feel lighter.
And every chunk of wood I get to toss into the pile building in the dining room helps me sort through the chaos in my mind.
Astrid is everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman, which is why I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. Even the handful of relationships I’ve had over the years never lasted and never ignited emotions like this. No one else has made me want to better myself either.
Honestly, I wonder if she’s been the perfect woman in my mind for far longer than the past three years. She’s the standard I’ve compared every other woman to.
She’s strong, resilient, kind, genuine, and sexy. She loves hard, is an incredible mother, and is gracious to the people in her life. She befriended Willow without a second thought and took a leap of faith buying the bakery from the previous owners.
If I’m being honest, a part of me knows that going after my business idea is in part so I feel like I fucking deserve her.
She did it. She went after her dreams after years of waiting. And she ought to have a man who is brave enough to do the same thing.
And that’s when Dallas’s words come back to me.
I am being a coward by holding back, by not being truthful with her, by letting Dick have his chance when I know I deserve mine.
As I toss the last scrap of debris into the pile, and look at the gutted kitchen, I make peace with myself.
This could end in disaster, or it could be the beginning of everything I’ve wanted for the past three years.
Either way, my life isn’t going to be the same after today—because this is either the moment I lose Astrid forever, or the moment we start something new together.
And it might get messy, but I’m finally ready to take that risk.