Chapter sixteen Astrid
Chapter sixteen
Astrid
“Oh God. I’m close,” I whisper in Penn’s ear as he tightens his grip on me and his hips slam into me so hard that I feel like he might break me in half. But fuck, it feels so fucking good, like he knows exactly how much I can take.
This man knows what I need before I can even figure that out myself.
I let his fingertips take control of me in the dark, I let him guide me up and down his cock, hitting the vibrator right where I need him, and when my orgasm crests, he finds his release too.
We’re so loud that I’m grateful we don’t have neighbors. And it feels good to not have to worry about that—about waking up kids, about alerting people around us, about worrying what someone might think.
In this moment, it’s just him and me.
But the reality is, it will never be just the two of us.
And that’s where I’m still struggling.
Penn brushes my hair from my face when I push myself up from his chest. “Fuck, Astrid. Are you all right?”
Smiling down at him, I say, “I’m perfect. So perfect.”
He leans up and presses a kiss to my lips. “Let’s get cleaned up.”
Once we both take care of necessary business, Penn summons me back to the bed, naked still, of course. He cups the side of my face and stares down at me, reverence in his eyes. “Hey.”
“Hey, yourself.”
“We’re alone.”
“I know.”
He lets out a sigh. “It’s time to talk some more, baby.”
I close my eyes. “I know.”
“I need to know where your head is at, Astrid.”
“My head is spinning right now from the orgasm you just gave me,” I say, opening one eye to look at him.
A sexy grin spreads across his lips. “You mean orgasms.”
I roll my eyes. “Sorry. Orgasms.”
“Tell me about this benefit,” he says, surprising me. I thought for sure he’d dive right in to talking about the elephant in the room we’ve yet to address. But honestly, I’m grateful he hasn’t yet.
“You mean…”
“The one you never told me about.” He bops me on the nose. “Remember, we both kept things from each other before this happened.” He gestures between the two of us with his hand.
Yeah, but I’m keeping the worst secrets, Penn.
“Well, it’s all Willow’s fault, honestly.”
Penn laughs. “When the woman gets an idea, she goes all in.”
“That she does.” I spend the next few minutes explaining the details of the event to Penn.
He trails his fingers up and down my arm, leaving tingles in their wake. It never ceases to amaze me how his touch makes me feel, how this shift in our friendship feels so natural that even my guilt is dwindling the more we’re together. Lying here with him feels so right. “So, what’s on the menu?”
“Two types of cupcakes and custom cookies with the Morgan logo on them.”
“You know…” he says thoughtfully, continuing to trace gentle patterns on my skin. “I’ve been wondering why you haven’t made a Ferrero Rocher cupcake yet, considering they’re your favorite chocolates.”
The question makes me hesitate. Honestly, after years of Brandon's dismissive attitude toward my baking, I never got too adventurous with my recipes. But I can’t explain that to Penn without getting into everything with Brandon. So, I just shrug and say, “I guess I never really thought about it.”
“Maybe you should for the benefit. A specialty cupcake like that would really make an impression.”
“But some people are allergic to hazelnuts. And that many chocolates would be expensive.”
He nods and goes quiet, clearly trying to devise a solution.
Then, his eyes light up and he says, “You put your own spin on it, incorporating similar flavors without the actual candy. And you can make the other cupcake an allergy-free option.” He smiles broadly, visibly excited on my behalf.
I reach up and cup his jaw, moved that he takes interest in things that matter to me.
I take a moment to consider his suggestion. The flavor profile wouldn’t be hard to recreate with simple ingredients. All I’d really need is chocolate, hazelnuts, and a lot of Nutella. “Okay,” I say simply, returning his smile.
“I assume Willow is going to be there, right?”
“At the benefit?”
He nods.
“Yeah, she’ll be there.”
“Anyone else coming?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “What are you asking, Penn?”
He leans in and presses a chaste kiss to my lips. “I want to be there, Astrid. I want to support you in such a pivotal moment in your career.”
God, this man. Brandon would never have wanted to do that. Even if I asked him to, it would have been unlikely. And here Penn is begging to be able to stand by my side.
“Are you sure you want to go all that way? I’ll have help.”
“I have a job that morning and some supplies being delivered to my rental, but I’ll be there. You know I’ll fucking be there for you, Astrid. I wouldn’t miss this for anything.”
“I know. I would love to have you there, Penn.” I kiss him again, this time letting my lips linger.
“But I want to be there for you as more than your friend. I want people to know that you’re mine, Astrid,” he says, his voice low and his eyes penetrating mine when he lifts his head.
My heart starts to race. Our eyes are moving back and forth between each other’s, and suddenly the topic I’ve been dreading is unavoidable.
“Penn…”
“I don’t want to hide anymore, babe,” he says, pushing my hair away from my face as he stares down at me. “I understood why we needed to for a bit, but life is too short to keep denying ourselves.”
“But what about Brandon?” I whisper, tears forming in my eyes. It’s the main reason why we’ve both been in denial and maybe if I know how he’s feeling first, it will help me decide if I should come clean to him about our marriage.
I know that Willow said I should be honest with him, tell him about my marriage and what I want in a relationship moving forward.
But the circumstances are also fragile, and if I get a fresh start with Penn, I think I want it to be just that—fresh.
No reminders of the past and no chance of destroying a life-long friendship between two men when one is now gone.
Sighing, he pulls me closer to him, wrapping his arm around my ribs. “Brandon was my best friend, but he’s gone, Astrid. We can’t keep living our lives in the shadow of his ghost.”
“I know. But…”
“I’ve felt guilty, babe. For the years I wanted you, for weeks after I gave in…” He inhales deeply. “Not just about Brandon, but about my dad too.”
“Your dad?”
He nods. “My entire life he preached to me about helping others, honoring your friends and staying loyal to your brothers. He instilled in me that brotherhood extends beyond blood ties, so Brandon and I were as good as brothers in his eyes. Knowing what he would say to me, how he would react if he knew I gave in to my feelings for you?” A sigh leaves his lips. “It’s kept me up at night.”
“Penn…” My heart aches for him, for the guilt that he’s carrying around too. But it makes me even more afraid that the remorse will never fully go away for either of us.
“But my mom said something last week that finally put things into perspective for me.”
“What did she say?” I ask timidly, not sure if Katherine’s words could make me feel better or worse about the situation.
“She said that my father was a closet romantic,” he says with a small smile on his lips.
“I never knew that, but she assured me that he could never be disappointed in me for going after what I want, especially if it’s for love.
” He pulls down my bottom lip with his thumb.
“And I can’t keep living my life based on what my father and Brandon might have thought about it, Astrid. I refuse.”
“Easier said than done though, right?”
Penn nods. “Yeah, but I think if we both adopted that mentality it would be easier.” He reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers.
“I want to romanticize every little thing about my life with you, Astrid. I want to keep you forever, show you that you can have it all. That you fucking deserve that, and that I can be the someone that you need in your life.”
“You are someone that I need,” I tell him honestly. “I need you so much that I’m terrified of losing you, Penn.” A tear streams down my cheek, but he brushes it away.
“You could never lose me.”
“You don’t know that. I never thought I’d bury my husband…”
Pain etches itself into his features. “I know, and I hate that you’ve had to experience that pain, but the only thing we can do is focus on now.
” He brings our clasped hands to his lips and presses a kiss to my skin.
“When you went to the bathroom earlier, Donald said something to me that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. ”
“What did he say?” I ask through a sniffle.
“He said, if you were in a room full of every person you’ve ever met, who is the person you’d look for first?
” My mouth falls open and my heart squeezes.
With his eyes locked on mine, he continues.
“The answer is you, Astrid. You’re the person I would look for in a crowded room over and over.
It’ll only ever be you. You’re my person. ”
My entire body is overwhelmed by his words, by the love pouring out of him. His strength, his determination, his protectiveness and vulnerability have me in a chokehold. But his next words stun me even more.
“I’m in love with you, Astrid.” But before I can say anything, he presses a finger to my lips.
“You don’t have to say anything back, okay?
In fact, I don’t want you to. I just want you to know that this?
” He waves his hand between our chests. “This is it for me. This is what I want. You and the kids. A life of the two of us chasing our dreams together, lots of naked times, and late-night talks. I want to build a future with you because you are the woman that was meant for me. Brandon may have been your first love, but I want to be your last.” He rests his forehead on mine. “I just need you to let me.”