Chapter nineteen Penn #2
I turn on my heel and walk back to my truck, vibrating with anger and wishing I could have done more damage to his face than I did. I didn’t plan on hitting him, but the second he started running his mouth about Astrid, I gave in to the instinct.
Still, there’s no telling if he’ll take my warning seriously, and confronting him doesn’t stop the gossip from flowing.
It also doesn’t stop the churning feeling in my stomach that’s come on in the last twenty-four hours, so I head to the one place and one person that can help me come to grips with my new reality better than anyone.
***
“Mom?” I shut the front door behind me and call out for her, not sure where she’d be at this hour. It’s late on Friday night and I have an early morning, but if there’s one person who can help me clear the fog from my brain, it’s her.
“In the kitchen!” she calls out to me. I find her standing at the stove, pouring hot water into a cup of tea.
“Penn, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you have fun plans with Astrid?
” she teases before turning to me and taking in my face.
And as soon as she reads my expression, her motherly instinct kicks in. “What’s wrong, Penn?”
I reach up and pull on my hair. “There’s just a lot on my mind, Mom.”
She motions for me to sit at the counter on one of the stools. “Do you want some tea?”
My mother drinks tea every night. She and my father used to drink it together. And even though I’m more of a coffee guy, I oblige her and hope she appreciates the company. “Sure.”
Once our cups are full and steaming, she motions for me to join her on the couch. She blows on her mug, takes a sip, and then says, “Talk to me, son.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
She grins at me softly. “I have to say that as a mother, I’m honored I’m the person you all go to for things like this.”
“That’s because you always give the best advice.”
She nods. “Most of the time, but I’m human too, Penn. Lord knows I’ve made my share of mistakes and needed other people to knock some sense into me a time or two.”
“Well, I didn’t make a mistake this time, Mom.
At least not yet.” I stare down into my mug, knowing damn well it’s too fucking hot to drink yet.
Hitting Dick wasn’t a mistake, but moving past this rock in my gut could be one if I can’t wrap my head around everything I know now about my best friend and his marriage.
“Talk to me, Penn.”
I glance over at her and let out a long breath. “Astrid and Brandon were going to get a divorce before he died.”
She swallows hard, pausing for a moment before saying, “I know.”
Her admission has me straightening in my seat. “What?”
Nodding, she inhales deeply. “Yes. He told your father, and naturally, your father told me after Brandon died.”
Holy shit. All this time Astrid thought that no one else knew but her mom and brother. But it looks like Brandon told my dad. He confided in my father, but not in me.
“Why would he tell Dad and not me?”
“You can imagine why, Penn,” she says tilting her head at me.
“I was his best friend…”
“Exactly. Don’t you think he was carrying around shame about his marriage being in trouble and didn’t want you to look at him that way? Like a man who couldn’t keep his relationship together?”
“Fuck.” I pinch the bridge of my nose as anger burns up my chest. “Do you know how guilty I’ve felt for the past four years?”
“Yes, but like I already told you, you shouldn’t. What happened has happened, and there’s no changing that. And it wasn’t my place to bring that up.”
“Astrid wasn’t ever going to tell me, Mom. I found out from Grady, who found out from their mom.”
“Is that why you’re torn up in knots? Because you feel like she betrayed you?”
Staring down into my tea again, I shake my head. “No. I’m not angry with her. I actually felt remorse when she broke apart in my arms last night. She carried that secret for years but didn’t want it to affect our relationship so she just kept it to herself.”
“That’s what she felt was best.”
“But it feels like she couldn’t trust me with the truth about her past, and now I find out that my best friend didn’t trust me either.” I look up at her again. “He always told me things were good between them, perfect even.”
“A lot of people lie to cover up the truth that they don’t want to face.”
“But he should have trusted me with the truth, right?”
Her brows draw together. “I don’t think it was about trust, Penn.
I think it was more about shame and disappointment in themselves, especially because Brandon was a Marine.
Being a military spouse comes with certain expectations, sacrifices that you sign up to make when you take your vows, and to want out of that, there’s a stigma attached to it.
” She reaches out for my hand. “You have to remember that when people are going through something, it's usually more about them than it is about you. They were navigating a life-altering change and did what they felt was best. Your friendship with both of them stood to be changed if you took sides. Did you ever think about that?”
“Fuck. No. But I fucking feel like my best friend wasn’t the person I thought he was.”
“That’s understandable, but not everyone shows us every side of them, Penn.
I wouldn’t take this personally, honey. And if Astrid finally confided in you, I would take that as a compliment—that she felt safe enough to let you see the darkest parts of her, the parts that she didn’t want to share with anyone. ”
“Yeah, only because Grady forced her hand.”
She takes my hand in hers. “Don’t you think that’s a good sign too? That Grady assumed she would have disclosed that detail of her life with you? Doesn’t that speak to the level of friendship and comfort you two share?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“You have to remember, Penn. What we find easy as friends becomes a burden as lovers. It’s difficult to cross that line and not have it affect your relationship.
” She squeezes my hand and then goes back to holding her mug with two hands.
“Let me ask you this. Did she tell you what was wrong in their marriage? Why she felt like she wanted out?”
“Yes,” I say through clenched teeth, still irritated that a man I respected so much couldn’t be bothered to invest energy into his marriage and the woman he chose to build a life with.
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Like I want to prove to her that I can be the man that she needs.”
Her lips spread into a slow smile. “Then you've learned everything you needed to in this situation. The only thing to do now is move forward and love her the way she deserves.”
***
The wind whips around me, but I keep trekking along in the grass, getting closer to the grave that I need to confront.
My mother may have said that the only thing I needed to do now is move forward, but in order for me to do that fully, there are a few things I need to get off my chest.
I don’t know if I believe in life after death, spiritual connection and the ability to send messages beyond the grave. But tonight, before I prove to the woman that I love that she’s the brightest star in my sky, I need to make my peace with the man who dulled her shine.
When the headstone comes into view, emotion builds in my throat.
I’ve only been out here one other time, just a few months after he passed.
I was pissed at him for leaving his wife and kids alone, for not coming home to all of us—and yet proud that he made the ultimate sacrifice for his country, something I never signed up to do because I didn’t want to be faced with that harsh reality someday.
No matter how I feel about his treatment of Astrid, I will always hold the utmost respect for the soldier that he was, the friend that stood by me when times were tough, the man who asked me to be the godfather to his children, and the boy who offered his friendship when I was just a lonely kid on the playground.
“Hey, man.” I stand above the headstone, staring down at his name and the dates he entered and left this life.
“It’s been a crazy month or so, and if you’ve been watching over us, you probably know why I’m here.
” My throat grows tighter as I talk, and the wind picks up.
The December air is frigid and part of me wishes I wouldn’t have left my big coat in my truck.
This suit jacket just isn’t thick enough to fight off the cold.
Pulling my jacket tighter around my body, I continue.
“I honestly don’t know what to say, don’t know if you’re even listening, don’t know if this shit even works—talking to those that aren’t here anymore.
But for me to move forward, I need you to know that I never planned this.
Hell, when Astrid and the kids lost you, I felt grief for myself and for them.
I thought my friend had lost the love of her life, and for a moment in time, you were that person for her.
But now?” I shake my head. “Now I want the chance to be that person for her.”
The frustration that’s been resting in my chest starts to come out.
“All this time, all of this guilt I’ve been carrying around, and for what?
You two were done. She was ready to move on and when I finally felt like we could, the truth slammed into me out of nowhere.
” I sigh and wipe under my nose that is growing colder with each minute.
“I can’t ever know what you may think of this.
And hell, if you were still alive, I don’t know if I would have felt this way about her or not.
But this is where we’re at now—desperate for one another and needing each other for the support it takes to keep living while chasing our dreams. And even though I know you’ll always be her first, the man who gave her children, I want to be her last, her fucking everything—the man she needs and deserves for this next phase of her life.
” I pound my fist on my chest as my eyes go blurry from the building tears.
I stare off in the distance, letting the breeze whip around me again for a moment.
“I’m sorry you can’t be here, that you don’t get a second chance, man.
The kids deserve to have their dad, but Astrid is worthy of happiness too.
And I hope you can accept that, accept that living after losing someone is one of the bravest things you can do.
It takes courage and the permission to be selfish because the only person that can keep living for you is yourself. ”
I swipe under my eye as one tear falls. “I’m going to her event tonight, the one she’s catering by herself, the one where she gets to showcase her talent and I’m going to support her, cheer for her, and kiss her in front of everyone because I want her to know how proud I am of her.
I only hope you can be proud of her now, too.
” I nod and then take a step back. “Until we meet again, brother.” I give him a salute and then turn on my heels as I blink away the tears that have yet to fall.
And just before I get to my truck, something flies through the air and hits me in the eye.
“What the?” I take the thin piece of paper off my face and stare down at it as goosebumps break out on my arms. “Holy shit.”
The tag from a Hershey’s kiss sits right in my palm, the thin white strip with blue letters clear as day and unmistakable.
I look over my shoulder, back at the graveyard behind me and swallow—unsure if this was just a coincidence or if this was the sign I needed—the reassurance that the past cannot be undone, but the future still remains bright.
And there’s only one woman that I want in mine.
***
Lights flash beside me on the other side of the highway, blinding me slightly as I keep speeding toward Raleigh.
I’m already behind schedule because of traffic.
I don’t know what the holdup was, but the irritation in my body multiplied the later the time on my app kept telling me that I was going to arrive.
I let Astrid know last night that I had some matters to take care of so I couldn’t swing by her house, but also I needed some time to get my head on straight.
And now that I have, I can’t wait to tell her everything that she needs to hear, and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to do that in a damn text message.
Brake lights flash in front of me, warning me that traffic is about to slow down again.
“Mother fucker! Are you kidding me?” I pound my palm into my steering wheel, running my hand through my hair again. This can’t be happening. It’s one of the most important nights of Astrid’s life and I’m going to fucking miss it.
Please God, don’t let me miss this.
If I don’t make it, she’ll never forget it. I have to be there, to support her, to be proud of her, to encourage her in everything that she’s already accomplished and still has yet to.
A car slides in front of me. I slam on the brakes.
And when I hear the screech of tires and crunch of metal, I brace for the impact that I know is coming.