Chapter fifteen Parker #2
“Thank you for pushing me,” I say sincerely, trying to show her that even though I’m a surly grump most of the time, I do appreciate her. I don’t deserve her and I’m afraid she’s going to fucking realize that before I can get my shit together.
I put my palm on my chest. “Fighting with you—fighting against you—was making my chest ache.”
She cups the side of my face. “I know you’ve been hurt, Parker, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you again. And one day, I hope that you’ll feel ready to share your past with me, your whole past.”
My pulse spikes just thinking about it, but deep down, I want that too. I’m finally ready to try to let go, to move forward, and to open my heart again. Maybe Cashlynn can help me see that it’s okay to have scars, as long as I can learn to live with them.
***
“There you two are! I was beginning to wonder if you were coming at all.” My mother greets us as we step through the front door, pausing just long enough to hug us before returning to the kitchen.
I lean down and whisper in Cashlynn’s ear. “Someone was coming, all right.”
Cashlynn swats at my chest as I laugh out loud.
“Did I just hear Parker laugh?” Hazel appears from around the corner, wine glass in hand, and eyes us both suspiciously.
We’re late because when Cashlynn came out of her room in tight jeans and a black sweater hugging her curves in all the best ways, I knew I wouldn’t make it through dinner if I didn’t fuck her one more time before we left.
I feel like a sex-crazed teenager right now, but neither one of us is complaining about it.
I narrow my eyes at my sister. “Yes, I laughed. Is that such a shock to you?”
Hazel looks at Cashlynn. “Did you two finally figure your shit out?”
“We did,” I say before Cashlynn can respond, wrapping my arms around her shoulders to keep her close to me. “And no thanks to you. Thanks for conspiring to drive me insane, by the way. I’ll be sure to repay the favor tenfold.”
My sister rolls her eyes, waving me off. “Look, it was for your own good.”
Cashlynn places a hand on my chest. “Don’t be mad. I’m the one that chose to go along with it, remember?”
I look down at Cashlynn with an arch in my brow. “Oh, I remember. And I’m still not done punishing you for that.”
Hazel gags dramatically. “Yuck. Okay, you two. I get it. You’ve bumped uglies, but spare me the details.”
I lean closer to my sister, lowering my voice. “Look, Mom still doesn’t know that this was all fake to begin with, all right? So keep your voice down.”
She mimics zipping her lips. “Got it. Your secrets are safe with me.”
Penn steps into the room. “What secrets?”
“Who has secrets?” Astrid echoes, trailing behind my brother. “Hi, Cashlynn.” She leans in to hug my fake fiancée.
Is she still a fake fiancée? Now that we’re sleeping together and seeing where things are going, are we technically dating? Engaged? What the hell are we?
Fuck. I don’t even know how to answer that.
Penn stares at me. “You look like you’re trying to do calculus.”
“I’m fine,” I mutter, turning to Cashlynn and pressing a kiss her temple. “I’m gonna head outside and catch up with my brothers. Will you be okay?”
“Of course.” She presses her lips to mine. “Have fun.”
I grab beers from the kitchen and step out onto the deck, where Dallas leans on the railing. Handing beers to both him and Penn, I pop the cap off my own.
“So,” Penn says, taking a sip. “What secrets was Hazel talking about in there?”
I sigh, unsure where to start. As solid as I feel about my decisions over the past twenty-four hours, I do need to process everything out loud.
“Cashlynn and I are…seeing where things could go between us, but Mom thinks we’ve been together this whole time, so I told our sister to keep her mouth shut until we figure it out. ”
Dallas’s brows draw together. “When you say seeing where things could go, you mean…”
“You guys were right.” I take another sip of my beer. “Cashlynn was doing shit to try to get me to snap and sleep with her. And it worked.”
Dallas and Penn both shake their heads, then Dallas speaks first. “These women, I swear they will be the death of us.”
“You’re telling me,” I mutter, taking a long pull from my beer. “But honestly, it needed to happen. After we…you know….”
Dallas nods. “After you had sex. You can say the word, Parker. You are a doctor, after all.”
I flip him the bird as Penn stifles his laughter. “After the sex, we had a good talk and…” I blow out a breath and shove my hand through my hair. “I can’t deny what’s between us anymore. And even though I’m scared shitless, I want to see what can happen between us.”
Penn wraps his arm around Dallas’s shoulder, resting his head against our brother’s. “Oh my gosh, Dallas. Our baby brother is growing up.”
“All right. I’m going inside,” I say, taking a few steps toward the door, but Dallas pulls me back by the collar of my shirt.
“Relax, Parker.” He elbows Penn in the ribs and then turns back to me. “I think what Penn is trying to say is that we’re proud of you.”
“Yeah, well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?” I take another swig of my beer. “There’s still a lot of shit I need to work through.”
“Have you considered therapy?” Dallas asks.
“I did a few sessions a couple of years ago, but I don’t think I was ready to let go of shit then. I might be more open to it now…”
Penn nods. “I think it could help you a lot, Parker. Honestly.”
I turn and face the two of them. “I’m fucking scared, you guys. I never imagined wanting another woman again, and now the stakes are even higher because I’m already pretending to be engaged to her and she’s my boss’s daughter.”
“That feeling is valid.” Penn props a hand on my shoulder. “I was fucking terrified when I decided to pursue Astrid. But I promise you, it was worth it. From everything you’ve said, it sounds like Cashlynn is worth it to you.”
“I wouldn’t be willing to work through my shit if she weren’t, dumbass.”
“I’m just making sure your head is in the right place,” Penn replies. “Well then, where do you go from here?”
I exhale deeply, running a hand through my hair. “I just want to get to know her better,” I answer honestly. “I know we have a connection, and it’s time to explore that.”
Dallas nods. “I think that’s a good plan. Take things slow.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Um, did you forget we’re already engaged?”
“Fake engaged. Just because your feelings are real, doesn’t mean that the engagement has to be.”
An ounce of relief courses through me. My brother is right. This only has a label if we put one on it. And Cashlynn assured me that she’d be patient. I’m almost positive she’s not expecting an actual wedding when this is all said and done—at least not right away.
Fuck. Could I imagine marrying Cashlynn? Her walking toward me in a white dress, her hair down in waves around her face, me peeling back a veil to kiss her and promise to love her for all eternity.
“Yoo-hoo,” Dallas says. “Earth to Parker. Where’d you go just now?”
I shake off the mental images flooding my mind right now and remind myself to breathe. “Sorry. My thoughts are fucking racing.”
“You’re so up in your head, man,” Penn says. “I know it might seem impossible, but stop overthinking, and instead, just do what feels right. The other shit will work itself out in due time.”
Dallas’s face lights up as Willow steps outside with Cashlynn trailing closely behind her, effectively ending our conversation. “Hey, Goose,” he says.
“Hi, boys. Whatcha doing?” she asks, walking over to Dallas. He pulls her in as close as her growing stomach will allow.
“Just guy talk,” Dallas says before he leans down and kisses his wife.
“Hey, you.” Cashlynn comes up to me, wrapping her arms around my waist, and fuck, the way she fits against me feels so right.
I tip her chin up, looking her in the eyes for a moment before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “Hey, sweetheart.”
“Oh my God, you guys are too cute!” Willow coos. Then she leans forward and says, “Don’t be mad at Cashlynn, but she told me about you two.” She waves her hand between us.
Dallas chuckles. “Yeah, we were getting the guy version of what happened.”
Willow rolls her eyes. “Sounds riveting. Well, we came out here to tell you guys that dinner’s almost ready and… Cashlynn has set the opening date for her gallery!”
I turn to look at the woman in my arms, surprised. “You have?”
She nods, her eyes sparkling. “Willow and I were talking, and given how things are progressing, it looks like everything will be ready by the first week of May!”
Fuck. So that means I have even less time to get my shit together now.
“And as long as I’m not in labor, Dallas and I will be there.”
“I’m ready to put in the shelves and cabinetry this week too,” Penn says.
“I can’t wait to see it all come together. The tables and chairs are getting delivered this week too.” Cashlynn squeezes my waist tighter.
“Have you started reaching out to artists yet?” Willow asks.
“Yes, and the flyers you suggested printing will be here tomorrow. Astrid said I can give her some to put in the bakery, and several other businesses also agreed to hand them out too.”
I look down at Cashlynn, in awe of her, memorizing the look on her face—the pure joy, pride, and excitement.
Her dream is becoming a reality, and I’m proud that I played even a small part in that.
Even though I wasn’t exactly thrilled about this arrangement at first, the closer we get to the opening of her gallery, I realize it’s been worth every minute.
Fuck. I think I’m in deeper than I realized.
***
My knees bounce uncontrollably as I sit on the couch in the waiting room.
It’s been years since I’ve sought out therapy, but after the talk with my brothers yesterday, I know this is what I need.
Cashlynn deserves a man that doesn’t have baggage, a man that can learn from his mistakes and do his best not to repeat them.
But waiting for the door to that office to open is making me more anxious by the second.
I left work and came straight to my appointment, grateful the doctor had a last-minute cancellation. But now that means it’s truly time for me to face the music.
“Parker?” A woman’s voice breaks through my spiraling thoughts. I look up to see a woman in her late fifties with short, gray hair and glasses standing in the doorway.
I stand from the couch and nod, adjusting my glasses. “Yeah, that’s me.”
She smiles warmly and gestures for me to follow her inside, shutting the door softly behind her. “Welcome. I’m Dr. Jensen, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.” I stand awkwardly, not sure what I’m supposed to do. I see a brown leather couch along the far wall, a matching chair to the right, and a few potted plants beside the large, mahogany desk that fills the corner to my left.
I gesture toward the couch. “Do you want me to lie down on the couch, or…”
She smiles. “Whatever makes you comfortable. Some people like to lie down, some prefer to sit—it’s up to you.” She waves her hand toward the furniture.
Nodding, I head for the couch and opt to just sit on it, clasping my hands between my knees as I lean forward.
“You seem nervous,” Dr. Jensen says as she settles into her chair, a clipboard poised on her lap, legs crossed.
I slowly release a breath. “I am. I’ve been to therapy in the past, but I wasn’t really open to it. But now, some things in my life have changed, and I—I’m ready to move forward.”
“Okay. I appreciate your honesty. What brought you in before?”
“I was engaged, and it…ended badly.”
She jots down a few notes. “Okay. What brings you in now?”
“There’s a woman…” The corner of her mouth lifts as she waits for me to continue. “After my failed engagement, I said I would never get involved with anyone again—swore off relationships completely. But then Cashlynn came into my life, and now…”
“Now what?” she prompts gently.
“Now I want to get over this fear of it ending badly too.”
She places her pen down on her pad and looks directly at me. “What is it that you’re afraid of, Parker? What happened that had you swearing off relationships?”
I shift uncomfortably on the couch, my hands clasped so tightly that my knuckles ache. “I’m afraid I’ll fail again,” I finally admit, my voice low. “That I don’t know how to be the kind of man who can really… be there for someone.”
Dr. Jensen nods slightly, her pen poised but not moving. She waits, and the silence stretches long enough for my heart to start pounding.
I take a deep breath and push through the lump in my throat. “Because Sasha…” My voice falters, and I look down at my hands, forcing the words out. “I failed her as a partner. And because of me… she died.”