BENNETT #3
Her throat bobs as she swallows roughly, and then her warm brown eyes slide to mine. “There’s nothing else to say. You made it crystal clear just now you don’t want me.”
“What? That is not at fucking all what is happening,” I mutter vehemently.
“Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me twice…”
When my brow furrows, a laugh rakes out of her, and she scoffs, her expression incredulous.
“You really don’t remember. I thought tonight might’ve jogged your memory, but clearly, I was wrong.” She pauses before saying, “Creative Writing isn’t the first time we’ve met, Bennett. And that day in the bakery wasn’t the first time we kissed.”
What?
What does she mean that wasn’t the first time we’d kissed. Until this class, I’d never even met her before, so what in the hell is she talking about?
A resigned sigh pours out of her, and she crosses her arms over her chest, taking a step back from me. “We hooked up sophomore year. We almost…”
I shake my head. “What? No. There’s no way.”
“Yep. There is. You just were apparently so fucked-up that you don’t remember it.
Or me,” Merritt retorts icily. “Not that there’s much to recount, but it was at a Sigma Chi party.
We danced, kissed, stumbled up the stairs to some frat bro’s bedroom, and apparently, you were much drunker than I was. ”
None of what she’s saying rings a bell or even remotely triggers any kind of memory, and that in itself is pretty fucking concerning.
I mean, okay, admittedly, my sophomore year is a little bit of a blur now that I’m thinking about it.
I was drowning in girls throwing themselves at me.
I was the Hellcats rookie goalie, and I spent more nights partying and ended up in other people’s beds more than my own, but how the fuck could I have gotten so fucked-up that I don’t even remember a thing about that night… how could I not remember her?
I swallow, resisting the urge to reach for her, because I’m certain I’ve never felt like a bigger asshole in my entire life.
I can’t even believe what I’m hearing.
“One second, we were making out, and the next, I was naked in your lap, just like tonight… and everything was going great, but then…” When she trails off, dropping her gaze to my pants, I look down, then back up at her.
“But then…” I say.
She shrugs, rolling her lips together. “You couldn’t get all the way hard.”
I nearly choke on fucking air.
“I’m sorry, what?” I sputter as I close the distance between us. “No fucking way, Merritt.”
“Yes fucking way, Bennett.”
Nope. No goddamn way.
Impossible.
Impossible that I had this beautiful, brilliant, amazing woman in my hands and I let her slip away.
Okay, well, that is plausible because I was a young, dumb fucking idiot, but to not remember it? Any of it?
How the fuck did this happen?
“You laughed about it like it was a joke, not a huge deal, but I was mortified, so I grabbed what was left of my dignity and my clothes and left you sitting there.” She laughs haughtily, shaking her head like she’s recalling the memory.
“The icing on the cake was when I saw you making out with another girl like an hour later. Really drove it home. Clearly, the issue wasn’t just that you were drunk; it was me. Just like tonight.”
For fuck’s sake.
No wonder she didn’t want shit to do with me. I wouldn’t either if I were her.
Not only am I an asshole, but I’m an asshole who was so drunk that I couldn’t get it up?
I’ve reached a new low. Well, an old low, but new to me.
“Merritt…” I trail off, reaching up to drag my palm down my face.
“Fuck, I don’t even know what to say besides I’m so sorry.
Clearly, I was the world’s biggest dumbass by letting that happen, and I wish I had something better to say than that to excuse my behavior, but it’s the truth.
” I blow out an uneven breath and reach for her again, tipping her chin up.
“I’m a dick, and please believe me when I say this is a reflection of me and had nothing to do with you that night.
I was a stupid, young kid who couldn’t handle his alcohol and made shit decisions.
I’m sorry if the way I acted that night made you feel like it had anything to do with you. ”
I’m starting to piece shit together now that she’s laid out everything on the table in front of me.
The reason she had so much bitterness toward me in the very beginning.
The reason why she’s hurt right now.
Because she thinks that I didn’t want it to happen. That I didn’t want her.
“Let me be crystal clear so there isn’t any room for miscommunication. I didn’t stop things just now because I don’t want you. You have no idea how bad I want you. Literally, I almost came in my fucking pants.”
A small, nearly indecipherable grin pulls at her lips, but she rolls her eyes, biting the inside of her cheek.
I chuckle. “Is that embarrassing enough for you to believe me?”
When she shrugs, I add, “I was about to come just from you in my lap, from tasting your lips. It has nothing to do with not wanting you. It’s…”
Fuck, I can’t believe how the night started and where it’s ended up now.
Any of it.
Including the fact that I’m about to say this.
“I’m… celibate,” I mutter sheepishly, watching as her eyes go wide and her mouth falls open. “I mean, obviously, I wasn’t always, but I haven’t touched anyone outside of you in the last seven months. Nothing.”
Silence stretches between us, weighing heavily in the air as she just stares at me.
For so long that I’m starting to fucking sweat.
“Wait, you’re serious? You’re actually serious?” is what she finally says, and I nod.
“A hundred percent.”
Merritt blinks, disbelief still written on her face.
“Why?”
The million-dollar question.
I shrug. “At the end of last year, I just had an awakening, I guess you could say, and I’ve spent the summer working on myself.
Trying to be a better version of myself.
I want to be a better man, and this is just part of it.
I want sex to be with someone I care about.
I want it to be different from what my past has been. ”
She looks at me like I’ve grown another head and just told her that mythical creatures are real.
I don’t blame her, really. I’ve got a reputation around campus, one I’m well aware of.
It’s no one’s fault but my own.
What I don’t tell her is that this is about more than just having sex with someone I care about. It’s about finding someone who sees me for the man I want to be. A relationship that is real, and intimate, and means something to me. Means everything to me.
“Wow,” Merritt whispers, tilting her chin up. “That was not at all what I expected you to say.”
I nod. “Yeah. I just don’t want to be the guy that I was anymore.
The one who everyone thinks they know.” Reaching up, I shove my hand through my hair as realization hits me in the center of my chest. “After everything I just learned from you about that night… that’s exactly the kind of guy I never want to be again.
The guy who carelessly chases after something that feels good and ends up hurting someone with his actions. I’m sorry, Merritt. It’s—”
“It’s okay, I get it. I understand now,” she says, interrupting me. “It was for the best that we don’t break any rules. This is for show and so that you win your games, right? I’m simply the good luck charm.”
The curl of her lip makes me feel only slightly less of a complete fucking tool, but only slightly.
She has no idea just how bad I want to break every single one of her rules and mine.